The day that started it all

Today is the one year anniversary of the day that really started this mess. One year ago today, I was awaken at 1:00 am in the morning to "the" most unbearable pain one can ever imagine. It was the same pain I had experience 4 other times in the two weeks prior to that morning. Only this time, it was worse. Much worse. I paged my doctor and she said to try to hold on until 7:30 to meet her at her office. We would do the 3d ultra sound, but she suspected that my tube may be about to rupture. We were all just so surprised as I had just spent the last 3 days bleeding like crazy and sick from getting the methotrexate shots.

Sure enough, the 3d ultrasound showed it loud and clear. My tube was bursting and I was bleeding. The ultrasound tech just gasped. Within minutes, Jeff and I were pushed out the door and told to go directly to the hospital to get admitted. My tube was coming out NOW. Within a couple of hours, I was on the operating table. Done. No more left tube.

The surgery went fine, however I also had pnemonia and my lungs were soooo bad. My cough was just painful to hear. They sent me home with tons of vicodin for the surgical pain and tons of codein to supress my cough. I was told to roll into a ball if I had to cough immediately.

Things were going fine, but 5 days later, Christmas Eve, I ended up back in the hospital as I finally had done it: my coughing from the pnemonia had gotten so bad that I coughed one of my internal stitches into a nerve. I am not really sure which pain was worse? After they got me stablized and calmed down, I was able to go home and told in increase my vicodin. I seriously don't remember a whole lot about Christmas last year. I slept most of the day.

We were so sure this year would be different for us. And it is. It's worse. But for today, there was one bright moment. Jeff had his yearly review today and was the recipient of a 5 digit $$ raise. It is so NOT the money that makes me happy, but it means that if we get to where we have to pay out of pocket for IVF or an adoption this year. The money is there. I feel like it's some sort of a sign. That even if IF is breaking me physically and mentally.. it just might not break me financially. And for today.. that's something.

Lost

I don't know where I am. I don't know where to go. I don't know how I got here. I don't know how to get out of here. I am depressed. Big time. I am sad. I am not suicidal, but I seriously think I am about only a notch or two above it.

There is the part of me that says.. "you might as well throw in the towel now, everything you do and touch turns to shit" In the last 12 months:
1. I got pregnant and had my fallopian tube burst
2. I had lasik eye surgery and got blinded in one eye for a month. Had to have a second surgery to repair it.
3. I got completely screwed, humiliated, fucked over, embarrassed when I did not receive the promotion at work in March that I was told over and over again that I was getting. And no one could tell me why. The fuck face who runs our practice simply told me "too bad, it happens". Yeah? the same could be said about terrorist attacks. Thanks for the insightful solution ass clown.
4. I suffered through 4 months of unsuccessful fertility treatments, testing, and battles with my insurance company only to...
5. Have my 2nd IUI turn into ectopic pregnancy #2, 2nd lost baby, 2 surgeries, 2nd lost fallopian tube and 3 more weeks of STD vacation. Which led me too...
6. IVF being the only way I will ever have a child and even that has failed me now.

Overall this year cannot end fast enough.

But, there is a small part of me saying.. Jen, it can't be like this forever. There has to be something wonderful out there for you and Jeff. It has to be just around the corner. We are both good people. Good things happen to good people, right? Sometime? Someday? I am really at the end of my rope. I can't see straight. I can't think straight. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I can't look at my husband with out complete agony. Will I ever be the person he fell in love with again? Is he better off with out me? Can't God see what wonderful parents we would be and send a child to us? And if it isn't meant to be that the child is of our DNA, please send us a sign to move on from these fertility treatments and end this pain and anxiety. My body has been nothing but a fucking science project. I am starting to wonder if Jeff wouldn't be better off with someone else. Someone younger who can give him a child. Someone who isn't broken.

Someone who isn't me.

It's Over

Well, I am now typing the entry to my blog that I really hoped to never have to type. My IVF failed. Part of me is in total shock and the other part of me is like.. of course it failed! This is me we are talking about and nothing good can ever fucking happen to me anymore.

It's frustrating on so many levels because it really should not have failed. I made it to a 5 day blast transfer. Two perfect blasts were put into me. You don't get any better than this. We were SO hopeful. There was NO reason that it shouldn't have worked. And yet, here I am again. It didn't work.

I cannot believe that this is my life. That this is what my life has become. A series of unfortunate events. This year has sucked ass so bad there are literally no words. My life has become so fucking tragic that none of my friends even knows what to say to me anymore. Honestly. Can't ONE FUCKING THING EVER WORK OUT FOR ME? ONE??? JUST ONE???

At least after losing two babies, both my fallopian tubes, 3 terrible surgeries and 7 weeks of disability later... I could at least say.. 'well, thank god I can do IVF". Now what the fuck do I say? I feel like I am standing with my neck on a log and someone just chopped my head off and there's nothing left. As of today, I better move into the acceptance phase of the program: That I might never have a biological child. Obviously I can't count on IVF to give me one. And since that is my only option. I better start getting used to the fact that this isn't going to get me where I want to be. To reach my goal of having a child. A family of my own. I have to face the fact that this might not happen. Ever.

This to me will be a tragedy. Like when I lost my father. Like when I will lose my mother. This is a death to me. A huge one. I am/will be mourning the loss of the family I never had. The children I will never hear their first cry, see them take their first steps, smile for the first time. Get on the bus to school for the first time. The cookies that will never be left for Santa at my house. The toys I will never shop for. The nursery that will never be in my house. The SUV that I bought so it would be big enough for car seats. The puppies that will never get to kiss our babies faces. The family trips to Disney World that I'll never go on. The stockings that will never get hung by our fire place. The HUGE EMPTY FUCKING HOLE IN MY HEART.

Oh yeah.. and the look I will never get to see on my husbands face. My dear sweet, loving, amazing husband. My husband who has had to nurse me through surgery after surgery, loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. If I don't deserve to be happy or deserve to be a mother, then how does he factor into all of this? He is the most loving, genuine, loyal person I have ever met in my life. He is a good husband, son, brother, friend, coworker, and doggy daddy. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to be a father. He deserves a wife who isn't broken and broke down.

I don't know where I go from here. I don't know what to do from here. So for today, for this week, for this month, for the last year....the pieces that my heart was already in got broken further and it's all I can do to keep breathing.

9dp5dt

I honestly can't believe I have not taken a pregnancy test. I am amazed at how I feel. TERRIFIED. I just can't bring myself to do it. It's nuts really. I am terrified but the other thing is that stupid trigger could still be in me. I would think by today or tomorrow it will definitely be out. I always tested it out at 7dpo and it was always gone. So... I still can't do it. I refuse to believe that it would be negative.

I was cramping off and on all day again with a few jabbing pains here and there. I can't believe the amount of cramping I have had. If I am not pregnant, this is one hell of a progesterone lesson that I have learned. It's been crazy.

I have to be honest. I am freaking out a bit about tomorrow. I have to go in for blood work in the morning. I don't know what to expect. Will they call me or won't they? And is a call a good thing or a bad thing? If I had to guess, I would say that I do NOT want them to call me. That would mean my blood work is all in a 'normal' range. Whatever the fuck normal means. I have no idea. But I just have to go with the old saying: no news is good news. I have this gut feeling that they are going to run a beta on me tomorrow and not tell me. I think they may have done this on Monday as well.

One thing I do know for sure.. from about 1-5 tomorrow afternoon, I will be hyperventilating.

8dp5dt

Well, I could totally get a pregnancy test to work now. I know I could. Problem is. I can't. I am to terrified to try. What if it's negative? I am not ready for that yet. I still have hope and I am not ready to let go of it yet.

But.. today. I feel disgusting. I am so bloated, crampy, constipated. Every 5 seconds, there is something leaking out of my coochie. These dang progesterone supplements are the devil. I am tired, nauseous, and the cramping. Did I mention the cramping? I feel like any second.. my period will be here. This is the most nasty case of PMS I have ever had.

But I still have hope. I am still pregnant.

7dp5dt

I did not test today. I am so proud of myself. When I woke up, I really thought about testing. But I didn't. I just didn't have the courage to ruin my week before 7 am on Monday.

I got up, got dressed and showered and drove myself to the clinic for bloodwork part 2. Then, at noon the sweating, hyperventilating, nervous breakdown began. Waiting for them to call me and give me instructions. They only had me take half of the Pregnyl shot on Thursday and they said there was a chance that I would have to take the rest of it Monday - Today.
1:00.. came and went

2:00 came and went

3:00 came and went

4:00 came and went

5:00 came and went

The call never came. I am looking at this as a good... even GREAT sign that everything is where it should be. I do wonder if they secretly ran a beta on my blood just to see. A girl on the Nest said her doctor did this and they didn't tell her until after the planned beta test. My thought is they either did not run a beta or they did run the beta and I am pregnant. I say this because I would like to believe that, if they ran a beta and it was negative, they wouldn't let me go on for at least another 3 days of sticking things up my coochie 5 times a day and shooting myself in the ass with those dagger PIO shots if the beta was negative. I've never seen another girl on the Nest have to do 4 days worth of bloodwork post IVF.

So the call never came.. and neither has my period or any spotting (praise God, knocking on wood)! I was however.. cramped up the entire day off and on again and at times, had more jabbing little pains. Different than the others. Seems like my body can find a new jab or pain for me to analyze every 5 minutes.

For today. I am still pregnant. Please God.. let me stay this way.

6dp5dt

So, we're getting into that potentially 'pink' area. And I do mean pink area. Today was probably the first day I could have got a postive.. faint.. but positive pregnancy test. However, due to that trigger shot, I didn't test. Nothing good could have come from it:

a) It could have been negative, in which case it would have just ruined my day. Even though it is early, it would have just ruined me and took away most of my hope.

b) It could have been positive, in which case I wouldn't know if it was me or the fucking Pregnyl shot entirely turning the test positive. And the last thing I need is a positive test only to find out it was a fake. No thanks.

I did not test. And I won't tomorrow either. I go in for more bloodwork tomorrow morning and I am really anxious to hear how this is going to go. If they will make me take another booster shot or leave me be. Humm....

As for symptoms, I HAD to go to bed last night and I slept like a freaking log. In a total coma again last night. And the cramping? Oh my god.. so much cramping it's crazy. The only time I really got a let up from it is if I am laying flat on my back in bed. Man. If this is the progesterone talking via the cramps. I am gonna be pissed.

I know I am pregnant. I just feel it. Please God let it be so...

5dp5dt

So I conducted a little experiment on Thursday night when I had to take my hcg booster. I took a pregnancy test and of course, it was negative. I know it was early, but it sorta did something to me psychologically. It upset me. I was stark white negative, which is what I expected because 1. it was to early and 2. I wanted to see if the other trigger shot was out of me and it was.

I had Jeff give me the shot and it hurt like a bitch again. And I started sobbing. I just can't believe i had to take another one of these daggers in my ass and it's potentially for nothing. It's very defeating and wrenching. But, it's done. Whatever.

Yesterday, I didn't really have any 'symptoms' at 4dp5dt. Just a little dizziness and hunger. A couple more of the sharp little pains here an there. I ate some heavenly chicken for dinner and then about 3 hours later I was so freakin hungry again it made me light headed.

When I got home last night, I took another pregnancy test and sure enough.. positive. It had been like exactly 20 hours since the hcg shot. It was faint.. but still positive.

Today.. I am feeling a lot of things.
dizziness
queezy
non stop hunger
constipation
major aunt flo type cramping
tired

Of course all of these things are total pregnancy symptoms.. cause I AM pregnant of course. Or all of these things can of course be chalked to the fact that I am technically pregnant from the hcg shot and I have 400 pounds of progesterone in me right now. Ahhh... gotta love IVF.

Snowbaby!!!

I can't believe it! We have a snowbaby! Turns out that, when the nurse called me with the fertilization report last Thursday, the she said we only had three fertilize. Nothing else. Saturday when we went in for the 3 day transfer, Dr. A said that we had the three 8 cell embryo's and two others still going for a total of 5! 5 out of 7 ain't that bad and definitely wouldn't have sent me in to the panic stricken state that I went into. ugh.

In other news, I have to take another HCG trigger shot tonight. They tell me it is to make sure my body is a hospitable environment for a baby and my body keeps thinking it is pregnant. Ok great. I will do whatever I have to do. But having to take another shot in my already sore ass is just sending me in to sadness. My butt is so sore there just are no words.

She also said my progesterone is 24 today. That's pretty good! Hopefully as the twins implant, it keeps going up and up!

I am 3dp5dt and still no symptoms. I am not even cramped.

So, I am 2dp5dt...

Let the analysis of the symptoms begin! In TTC land, 2dp5dt is the equivilent of 7dpo.

Ever since the retrieval, I have been really crampy and boobs have been way sore. Of course I started the PIO shots AND 400 progesterone and estrace suppositories daily! So, all of the 'symptoms' can be attributed to all that pretty much.

But I do want to record a bit of what I am feeling:

1dpt5dt: I did feel a couple of sharp stabbing little pains around the uterus. Like someone jabbed me real quick with a needle.

2dp5dt: I felt absolutely nothing. I felt to good. And absolutely nothing. Until about 2 this afternoon. Now, I am crampy big time. My boobs are sore to the touch, but that's about it. Oh yeah.. these freakin suppositories are leaking out of me like crazy. YUKK!

My Babies..

Bailey and Kali are my babies. My only babies right now. They are two mutts. Two mutts who have brought me so much happiness in this year full of crappiness.

Bailey is part Pitbull and part Lhasa Apso. And her mother was the Pit Bull if that ain't a crazy hook up to picture. She's a whopping 40 pounds. The perfect medium size dog. She, along with her mother and siblings were surrendered to a foster care/rescue group when she was born. Whoever owned the mother didn't even want her either. One night in late January of 2007 while I was still recovering from ectopic #1, I was surfing Petfinder.com. I saw her picture. It was freakin adorable. The picture showed this scruffy 2 month old puppy. I clicked on it, enlarged it and showed it to Jeff. His response? "That's our dog". I totally knew it too. It just was. We loved her 'story'. We loved her look. I emailed the rescue then and there and asked if she was available. She was. We went and met her two weeks later and gave them a check on the spot.

This dog is special. Everyone who meets her thinks so. She is what I would call an 'old soul'. She never really had all that much 'puppy' in her. She isn't crazy, she doesn't chew. Rather she looks at you with soulful eyes as if to say "I understand". She is my dog. She follows me everywhere. She layed by my side everyday as I lay in bed recovering from my two surgeries.

Kali is the 'puppy dog' for sure. We got her two weeks into my recovery from ectopic #2. Because Bailey is so passive and demure, we had been discussing getting her a playmate. We thought she would benefit someone else around with a little bit more energy than her parents!
The Detroit Zoo had a weekend event called "Meet your best friend at the Zoo" where shelters and rescues from around the metro area were coming together for a huge pet parade and adoption event. The Zoo is 5 minutes from our house. So we went. Kali was the third dog we really looked at and the second we really seriously considered. She was sitting in her cage completely silent in a sea full of barking dogs and meowing cats. She is a mystery mutt. They said she was a terrier mix, but I don't really agree. She looks like a mini chocolate lab! It was obvious that she was very malnurished. Her ribs and hip bones were ghastly visable. We asked the caretaker next to her what her story was and he said that they were from Detroit annimal control and they picked her up as a stray on the streets in downtown Detroit a couple weeks ago and here she was. not only was she malnurished. She was sick. Terribley sick with kennel cough. It was awful to watch this poor little 17 pound doggy girl wretch like that. We had to save her. So we took her immediately.

Last night after my egg retrieval, Kali came into the bedroom with a sceen of baby blue yarn in her mouth and dropped it on the floor. . The yarn was from when I crocheted a baby blanket for Cheri's son, Andrew when he was born. She wrapped him in it when he was baptized. Maybe Kali knows something I don't? Kali makes us laugh constantly. We have so enjoyed nursing her back to health and I am thrilled to say she is now 23 pounds and looking perfect!

It dawned on me tonight: if it weren't for both of my ectopics, we would not have either of these two little souls in our lives. That chokes me up.

I have always been a huge dog person. Jeff had a dog once and it got hit by a car. He and I both couldn't wait to have a dog someday. But we had decided. Baby first, dog second. We wanted them to grow up together. When the baby thing didn't work out the first time, we got Bailey. When it didn't work out the second time, we decided it was time for Kali.

They have been our sunshine through the rain. I love my dogs. They will always be my first babies.

The embabies have come home.. for keeps!

Yesterday.. was THE day. We got to the Dr. office and right away the nurse ushered us in and started getting us ready for transfer. She was telling me to strip down! I asked the nurse.. so does this mean I officially have embryo's left to transfer? The nurse says.. well, I guess so cause I haven't heard otherwise!

Ok.. that was a good sign that no one told her to call and tell me not to show up! right?!?!?!

A little while later, Dr. A popped in and said that of the three that were so good on Saturday, two were not perfect little blastocysts!! Yippeee!!! The other was getting a bit sketchy, but one of other two they had been just watching looked like it might become a blast too and be ready to freeze! We were ecstatic. It was exactly what we wanted.

We transfered in the two blasts and the transfer went perfectly. AMEN. Thank you GOD! My prayer was answered!

I finally feel like I have H O P E. Something I have not had in soooo long. Probably since May. Its a nice nice feeling. I am so greatful. We are so greatful. We just hope at least one of these little embabies snuggles in for a nice long 9 months!

WE LOVE YOU EMBABIES!!

Nerve wracked.

I hate this. I want it to be over. There is so much riding on tomorrow that I can't stand it. Tomorrow is as big a day as my wedding day. Which up until now, was the most important day of my life. Tomorrow is going to run right with the wedding day.

I hope and pray that we go in and all three of our little embryo's are still there waiting for their mother and father to bring them home.

I hope and pray that they are healthy and ready to be found by us. Amy said to me once that she knew there was a little soul out there for me somewhere and it was just a matter of finding it. That with the ectopics.. those were not the souls that were meant to come and live with us. It was still out there. I hop and pray at least one of these embryo's is that soul and wants to come home with us.

I feel like I should have prayed more this weekend. But I didn't. I am sort of numb. I am sort of on auto pilot. I just don't know what to do. But what I have been doing is trying not to think about it. I don't know why. I know that Jeff and I have done all we can do to make this IVF successful and there is nothing more we can do. I guess I truly feel like it's out of our hands at this point. If it is His wish that we have a baby now, then it will be. If not.. then we go back to the drawing board. At this point, I just want a chance. I just want at least one of those embabies to be there waiting for us tomorrow morning....

I put the Christmas tree up today. I debated about whether or not I wanted to do one this year. I haven't found my holiday cheer yet. I know why even though it's probably silly. If this IVF does not work, I know I will have little joy to carry me through the holidays. I keep going back to the nightmare I started living one year ago December 7th, they day I found out I was miscarrying my first pregnancy. The nightmare that insued from that... well. I will never be the same person again. And unfortunately, that nightmare has ruled, dominated, and over run our lives for the entire year. So December 7th will be a day of mourning for me. It's when the infertility battle officially began.

Jeff and I deserve a reason to be merry and bright this year.

Finally.... a break

Jeff and I went to Dr. A's office this morning for 10 for my 3 day transfer. We got the best news possible: All 3 of those little embabies of ours are perfect 8 cell babies and the Dr. and embryologist recommended that we push the transfer to a 5 day on Monday. I am beyond happy. I just wanted to lay down and sob. This TTC journey has been wracked with one piece of terrible news after another and this IVF hasn't gone so smoothly either. To be given this news when it really counts... I am humbled.. speechless.. greatful.. ecstatic.

That said, we are not out of the woods yet. Now we just need at least one of them to make it to Monday to come home to momma and poppa. GROW EMBABIES GROW!!!!!!!!!!!

Some ok news.. then some not-so-ok news..

As so the punches roll on.. I really really can't catch a break. Not in this TTC game I am in.

I had my egg retrieval for IVF yesterday morning. It was very smoothly and they were able to get 8 eggs out of me. Not the 10+ I had hoped for and SHOULD have gotten for sure. But that is a good amount. So I was feeling hopeful. For about 5 minutes.

Then this morning the call came. 7 were mature and only 3.. yep 3.. fertilized. I am so upset. How could this have happened? How did we get 3? I have been pregnant twice in less than 9 months. The first time is au natural and on the 2nd month we ever even freakin tried!! I have been a good responder to the meds before this. My FSH has been a 9.2 at the highest and this cycle was a freakin 6.1!! My E2 level was 2213 when they triggered me so I thought for sure we would get a good 10 eggs out of this! And Jeff has absolutely no issues at all and even with ICSI we get three???????

What the fuck is going on?

This just doesn't make any sense at all. I knew I would never be 'super responder' or wonder-egg women.. but I thought we'd at least have mediocure response and fertilization! Not poor!

Somehow.. someway, at least one of those three little embabies growing in a petrie dish 20 miles north of this house right now has to be our baby. It just has to be.

IVF has been triggered!

So the biggest needle ever was just in my butt. It hurt like a bitch and I took that shoot like a little bitch. I seriously had my self totally worked up and crying. How many shots have I done throughout this process? 100? Probably! But the stim shot needles are so tiny you don't even feel them. Not this sucker! For the Pregnyl, it was HUGE. ugh. Same as these damn PIO (progesterone in oil) shots that I have to do once the transfer happens.

SO.. on that note... I had a good ultrasound this morning and I had 8 follies that were over 15 and a couple that were close. So, hopefully, we can get 8-10 eggs out of me. My retrieval is scheduled for Wednesday at 9. Oh my god.. can you say BIG DAY???????

Also, tomorrow is mine and Jeff's two year anniversary! Happy day to us! I love him more now than I ever thought possible. He's the best husband ever! We are going out to dinner at the new MGM Grand Casino. Wolfgang Puck has a new restaurant there so we are going to go check it out! Can't wait!

Getting sick. Physically, not just mentally this time

Ugh.. I am getting sick! As the day has gone by, my throat has progressively gotten sorer and sorer until at present, I can barely swallow! UHGGGG. I Can't believe this. Just what I need. Seriously.

That and my ovaries are out of control sore. I don't know how else to describe it but to say they are sore. I am very bloated but the ovaries are just aching. I hope this is a good thing and means that I know have lots of big eggs sitting out there just waiting to be cherry picked out by the egg retrieval. The aching started yesterday afternoon after I got done with acupunture. So I am wonder if that really helped do the trick and get the blood really flowing to my ovaries and encourage the eggies to grow grow grow!

On that note, tomorrow is the big day. Will she trigger or will she not? THAT is the question. I am thinking positive due to the soreness of my ovaries. BUT.. will they still put me under anesthesia if I am sick with a frickin cold?Christ. I So don't need this right now. I am freaking out again.

Very.Bad.Day

So yesterday morning, I had my IVF stim check #3. And it was pretty much my nightmare. Almost all but like 5 of the 19 eggs that they counted on Wednesday had stopped growing. The nurse said we would be lucky to get between 5-8 eggs on retrieval. I totally lost it.

My worst fears are coming true. I can't believe I can go from 19 to maybe getting 5 out of this? Can I...

NEVER CATCH A FUCKING BREAK IN THIS SHIT?

We were going down to see George's show, "Walking with Dinosaurs" and I knew they wouldn't call me before I had to go be in front of Jeff's family so I called them at 1:50 so if they were going to cancel my cycle, I could find out about it in private and decide if I was still going to go or not. They are not canceling me. In fact, they didn't even think they should increase my meds at this point which shocked the shit out of me? Don't we want to try to get a few of these bitches that are at 11's and 12's to pump it up and mature? Nope. They think I need a few more days. I just cook more slowly than some. So I don't go back till Monday and they will trigger whatever is there at that point.

And the nurse was totally rude to me. She goes.."I know you were upset today, like you are every time you come in here". I was like.. excuse me? This is my life we're talking about and you're fuckin A right I am upset you stupid bitch. That is what went through my head but I didn't say anything back to her. But I am going to find out who it was I talked to when I go back on Monday.

THEN..the goddamn pharmacist was a rude ass to me too! I could not win for losin yesterday. With anything. When they increased my Bravelle, I had to go get more, but I didn't want to refill the Menopur unless I absolutely had to. It's another $80! So when I found out I have to take shots till Monday, that meant I needed to refill Menopur now. When I picked up the Bravelle, they had bagged the Menopur too and I told them no.. just the Bravelle right now. Well, they put it in their computer as "filled" and then they couldn't find the non-picked up boxes and since the jack ass that was working yesterday was not the one I worked with before, he was telling me that I couldn't have it. Well... all he had to do was call other pharmacist to verify and find out where it was.. this was a pain to him evidently. Disregard the fact I was about to flip out on him. He was such an ass. But he finally did it after I did flip on him. Fucker.

So.. that's that. I may be cancelled. I may not. But it is a possibility hanging out there in front of me now. And I think what this did was finally convince me to realize: I may never have a biological child. It's a reality I need to start considering. No matter how painful and no matter that Jeff thinks I am crazy for saying and thinking it. It is a possibility. One that even after losing two babies and both my fallopian tubes that I had not really believed. After yesterday. I do believe that it is a possibility now. A heartbreaking, life altering possibility.

So today, I am going to do things for me. Go to acupuncture. Go get a pedicure and eye brow wax. Walk my dogs. Things for me.

IVF Stim update #2

Had my second ultra sound and blood work check this morning. I still have 19 follies growing. I have a lead follie at 16 and then the rest are all between 7-12 mm big. I have 11 on the left ovary and 8 on the right. I was really hoping that they would all be between like 11-16 by now but as my history would say.. this is pretty much how mine grow: slow and steady. The nurse will call me later today to see about increasing my dose of meds again after she talks to Dr. A. But she says I look great and will trigger by Friday or Saturday night!

GROW FOLLIES GROW!!!!!!

IVF Stim Update #1

I am a day late. I went to Dr. A's yesterday morning for my first ultrasound and blood work since I got started on my ovarian stimulation drugs. I have been on 150 units of Menopur and 150 units of Bravelle for 6 nights prior to the check.

I had the following:
On the left ovary:
1 at 11mm
4 at 8
1 at 7 and
6 >7

On the right side:
1 at 8 mm
2 at 7
and 8 >7

So 23 potential follies. I wish that there were more that were measurable or over 7. I am nervous. The nurse said that everything was looking really good for being early after only 6 nights of stims. Of course I was so nervous I was almost ready to puke going in to this appointment and when I go in on Wednesday, I will probably be worse now.

Nurse Wendy called me around 2 that afternoon. They decided to increase my meds from the 150 of Menopur and 150 of Bravelle up to 225 of Bravelle. Just up'ed it by one vial. Which I guess isn't really that much, but it still scares me. Please let my follies keep growing. There is so much riding on this.

Speaking of that, one of the girls on the TTTC board experienced my 2nd worst fear today. My first fear is getting no eggs out of me. My second is that they are all bad quality and none make it to transfer. This is what happened to the girl on the board. In her 3rd IVF. I cannot imagine the heartache they must be experiencing tonight. It is gut wrenching and my thoughts are with her and her dh.

So.. until tomorrow morning. I will take my shot, relax, and pray for my appointment tomorrow. ugh.

Space Cadet

I am a total space cadet. Last night I was mixing my shots and I guess I put the needle on wrong cause as I pulled the trigger to inject, next thing I know I was wearing half the shot. Great. Fan frickin tast tic. How much money did that cost me? So I called the nurse emergency line and they had me do another half shot.

Then this morning, I went to work and while at work I was chatting on the next about F'ing up my shot and then it dawned on me.. I FORGOT TO DO MY LUPRON SHOT THIS MORNING!!! OMG... I am a space cadet. Once again, urgent call to the nurse at Dr. A's. They tell me to take it as soon as I can. So, I left work at 1:20. I had to go drop some rate books at DTE. So I ran home and did my shot this afternoon and went back to work.

I was supposed to go to a happy hour tonight a guy that quit my office. I decided not to go. To many people I don't care to see and since I can't drink anyway, what was the point? oh well.

Tonight was night #4 of my shots. Wow.. time is flying. Tomorrow I got to accupuncture again. So nice to relax.

A girl on the TTTC board had some really terrible news today. They submitted all the paper work and $ to start the adoption process and yesterday they found out that their agency basically got shut down and they lost all their money. They hope to recover some of it but they have to start the process all over again. ugh.. They are in my thoughts tonight.

Let the Stimming Begin!!

Jeff and I went in to Dr. Abuzeid's on Tuesday morning for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. We also had to sign all of our consent forms. It was pretty uneventful. The nurse called later on Tuesday to tell me all was normal with my blood work and I could start my stim shots that night. So I did! It was like me and Jeff doing our own little science project! I am on 150 units of Bravelle and 150 units of Menopur. I am still doing 5 units of Lupron every morning to make sure I don't ovulate before they want me to. The first shot went in fine and I felt no burn. I just hope I did it correctly!

Still, I must admit, it was a very emotional thing for me and Jeff to do that shot. Looking at the absolute MOUNTAIN of drugs sitting on my kitchen table, I can't believe this is what it has come to in order for us to ever have our own biological child. It really chokes me up. There are no words to describe how much we want this to work. There is so much riding on this IVF.

Some people are just freakin psychotic...

And apparantly, I am related to quite a few of them.

I am the youngest of 4. And they are 12, 13, 14 years older than I am. They were all moved out of the house by the time I was 6 and went off to do their things. College, milatary, and to just move around. Then, at age 18, I moved 500 miles away to go to college and never went back. For the most part, I grew up as an only child.

As a kid, I managed to get all A's and B's (I never missed the honor roll), always attended my dance class, ccd class, performed in all the school plays, sang in the high school's select chorale, sang in my church choir, cantored at church, played softball, didn't do drugs or get MIP's, participated in Key Club and Youth in Government, was part of the 'in' crowd at school and got accepted with no problem at Michigan State University. I graduated in 4.5 years and managed to put myself through 2 years of grad school on my own. Most of college, I worked two and three jobs at a time.

At 34, my student loans are paid off and I have a very good job at a very prestigeous global consulting firm. I am married to a wonderful man whom I love with all my heart. We own a house, have two dogs who we adore and are now trying to have a baby. I used to volunteer at the local hospital and give as much money as I can to help homeless annimals. I have never been in jail, I am a loyal friend, I love my mother and I am an ethical co worker and employee. I would like to think that I live my life in a good, respectful, decent way.

The most fond memories I have of my childhood and high school years are as follows:

-Spending my summers at my grandparents house on Indian Lake playing with my cousins all summer long.
-Traveling all over with my dad to see Detroit Tiger baseball games.
-Camping with my dad
-Road tripping with my mom and dad to places like Disney World, Mt. Rushmore, and Great America
-Playing with my best friend Cheri, and hanging out with her family. Since I was an 'only child' her and her 3 siblings across the street were the only siblings I knew

I love/loved both of my parents and am totally appreciative of everything they gave me.

Apparantly, though.. I was a sassy child and as a teenager, fought with my parents. Alot. I know this becuase my siblings tell me and my mom so. They did and still do, even though I am 34.

--They tell my mom and I that I was the cause for all of the damage ever done to my parents marriage
--That I was disrespectful and spoiled
--That I was a deceptive liar and would push anything or anyone out of my way to get what I wanted
--That I am responsible for the abusive way my niece has always talked to her parents, especially her mother

Here is what I remember:
--That my parents were never truly happy during my childhood. They slept in separate bedrooms and coexisted for as long as I have any memories at all.
--That I was an only child growing up. My parents were in their 40's when they were raising me and had a lot more time and money than they did in their 20's raising three children. I spent my Christmas' opening Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids, and my sister and sister in law spent their holidays counting my gifts against the number their children received and taking that out on me when my parents weren't around. Especially the Cabbage Patch Kids christmas. I was 10. My sister was 24.
--That my sister had a terrible relationship with my parents, moved out at 16 and spent her days trying to figure out how to piss my parents off. Then, when she was around, she spent her time making things up to try to get me in trouble. Like how I was always on the phone (gasp a teenager on the phone!) or that I 'shoved' her out of the way when I needed to use the bathroom mirror. My parents never let me forget what a disappointment she was to them and that I would never grow up to be like her.
--My niece was born when I was 11. I did go to her house to baby sit alot until I was 14 and then going out with my friends became more important than baby sitting. Until I was 18, I did see her at the holidays and a few other times per year when they would stop by my house or I would stop by theirs with my mom and dad. Truthfully.. I don't really remember a whole lot. Then at 18 when she was 7, I moved away to go to college and then my only contact really began 2-3 times a year.

I do not have a good relationship with my siblings. I never will. I am ok with this. Really. I am more than ok with this.

1. Rob. My oldest brother. I used to think he didn't have much of an opinion on what terrible child/person I was/am. It was his wife that made up for the both of them. She is a miserable jealous person. She is a gossip. She believes she is perfect. She is the first person to cast stones at everyone else's house when she herself lives in the biggest glass house of them all. She cannot look in the mirror and take the blame for anything.

Lisa.. you're fake phony miserable bitch. Look in the fucking mirror at your life. Your marriage, your relationships with your children. they are just that.. YOURS. YOU. YOU DID IT ALL TO YOURSELF. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS. You are the one person in all of this family mess that I can honestly say.. FUCK OFF AND I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I don't care about you. I don't care if you live or die. I have not lived by you for 15 years nor have I ever been a part of your every day life. If it makes you feel better to blame me for what I could not possibly have affected.. you go for it. There.. do you feel better now? Hate me. I really do not care. Really. You're miserable existence means nothing to me. You are nothing. Nothing.

I spent my childhood doing nothing but fighting off my sister and sister in law. These are two crazy fools and you can't reason with a fool. They are driving my mother to her death. and it's making me sick and crazy.

IVF Update!!

There is a hint of excitement. Aunt Flo is here YEEEE HAAA!! Can't believe I am saying that LOL. That means I call the RE tomorrow and will go in on Tuesday morning for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. Jeff and I will sign all the consent forms and do the injection training! I will start the BIG SHOTS on Tuesday!

We were out walking the dogs today and Jeff asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said..'baby stuff' with a wink. He goes.. nope. Saving it all for NEXT Christmas when it will be babies 1st Christmas! I had to choke back tears. Here's to hoping our Christmas wish comes true this year!

The Down side of Anger

To bad anger has 5 letter in it. It is something of a four letter word to me lately. I am angry. A.N.G.R.Y

Angry that I did not find my soul mate until I was almost 31 years old.
Angry that my stupid fucked up job sucked so we waited until we were married a year before we started trying to have a baby
Angry that I got pregnant so fast and it was ectopic
Angry that it was the most physical pain I ever hope to be in in my entire life with that tube bursting.
Angry that I decide to reward myself by getting lasik eye surgery and even that got fucked up and I spent almost a month blind in one eye and needed another surgery to repair it.
Angry that I will not have a child before I am 35 and it this point, I'll be lucky to have one by the time I am 36 too
Angry that I was not pregnant again before my due date of August 2nd, 2007
Angry that all the time and money I spent on treatments resulted in nothing but...
Angry that I finally got pregnant again for it to be ectopic again
Angry that my beta' started doubling like a normal pregnancy and gave us hope that this was our baby
Angry that after the fifth beta doubled awesome, the ultra sound said.. sorry. It's in your tube again
Angry that the first surgery was enough to get the pregnancy out of me
Angry that I needed two surgeries in 5 days
Angry that I can never get pregnant again with out IVF
Angry that I will never have an 'opps' baby
Angry that every cycle is now an 'off' cycle for me unless it's an IVF cycle
Angry that my life has become so fucking tragic that my friends and family no longer know what to say to me. There really are no words
Angry that we may have to go into debt to have a family now
Angry for my darling wonderful husband who doesn't deserve this.


I am really mad at the world. I don't want to be mad. But I am. I am so frustrated. I've been trying to bargain with God to be sure this IVF works. What if I am nice to this person? Or if I don't have bad thoughts about that person? Will the good Karma come back to me? My therapist and acupuncturist say no. That no matter what kind of a person I am, IVF can fail and it can succeed. There are to many other factors besides if one is a good person or not.

I still feel like trying to put some good karma out there. Some of it is bound to come back to me someday right?

Talk about a break

Wow.. I suck. it's been over two months and what a couple months they have been. I was pregnant. again. It was ectopic. again. I had surgery. again. Twice this time. I lost a fallopian tube. again. Unfortunately this time, I have none left. I am officially out of business. I can never get pregnant again without major medical intervention. AKA. In Vitro Fertilization.

It's been a really hard couple of months for me. With both of my pregnancies, there has been so much damage to my body physically, that I can barely get to the whole 'I just lost a baby' aspect of the situation. This whole bullshit experience has led me to many many feelings:

--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and not have the first word out of my mouth be FUCK.
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and not end up in a life endangering situation of my own
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and not need to have an organ surgically removed from my body.
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and have it be in the right place.

My spirit is very broken. My body is very broken. I have major guilt. What if Jeff can never have a biological child because he married me? I also have major questions. Like, what did I do to deserve this? My doctors told me I had a better chance of being struck by lightening- twice. Did I piss off the big guy upstairs? What did I do wrong? Is my Karma THAT bad? And if so, how do I fix it? Who can I talk to? Who makes these bargains? I am willing to pay whatever I have to. Do whatever I have to to get a baby out of this life. The only thing this experience has taught me is to never utter the words.. it can't get any worse. Because it can. It always can.

12dpo

It just doesn't get any better than this. Yesterday morning at 11 dpo, I woke up dizzy and nauseous again so was very hopeful. I went to pee about noon and boom: Spotting. By 6 last night, I had terrible cramps and starting some flow. Woke up this morning and took out the tampon and there wasn't much on it so I poas. I thought I saw a faint line but thought I was seeing things. Once I pee'd, the flow came on full force. Game over.

So.. I called the new RE's office, Dr. Abuzeid and they gave me a little schedule to get my IVF cycle started. Wednesday, I go in for blood work. Friday, start b/c pills. Tuesday, HSG at Beaumont to see if my other tube is even open. It isn't necessary with IVF, but I want to do it for peace of mind. As I was scheduling the HSG, the lady says.. are you sure you are not pg? I was like.. oh yea. AF is here full force. Not pg for sure!

Well.. I was still a bit nagged by the line I think I imagined this morning. I was like.. did I want to see it so bad that I actually willed it on to the pregnancy test? Well.. to give the Beamont Lady peace of mind.. I decided to poas again. This time... no doubt about the faint line. What the fuck?

So now I will poas again tomorrow morning. if it is positive, I will go to Dr. Mersol Barg's for a beta test and see what they say. Until then.. I assume this must be a chemical pregnancy or a miscarraige.

Unreal. Well, I did dream about my dad congratulating me about getting pregnant. I guess it was correct. It just might not last.

10dpo

Today sucked. Big time.

I awoke to a very vivid dream today. I dreamt that Jeff and I were with my mom and dad in some cabin up North. Actually I think it may have been my grandparents trailor at Indian Lake where i spent so much time as a child.

In my dream I was still going through fertility treatments and was at the stage in my cycle I am right now. I woke up and took a pregnancy test. It was positive immediately. I walked down the hall and bumped into my dad who said.. congratulations honey. I even remember what he was wearing. Jeans and a white tee shirt.

I woke up to this and thought.. well go with it. Maybe it's a sign. So I tested, even though I officially wouldn't have been 10dpo until like 3 today. Of course, it was a BFN. I was so upset and spent half the day in tears. For a variety of reasons.
1. It was a BFN. Not even a hint of a line.
2. I'll never hear those words from my dad.
3. I am afraid I will never be able to get pregnant again.

The cramping was with me all day again. Dizziness off and on for sure and a nasty headache this afternoon. Feel like AF will be here any second.

I also cannot shake the feeling that my right tube is blocked and I should have done an HSG before I got into these fertility treatments. I feel like I have just wasted 7 months of trying.

I am so hopeless today. Hopeless and just in total dispair.

9dpo

Making this really quick. I woke to the dizzy feelings again. No boob soreness but had the pre-af cramping all day. It was very low in the uterus and mild. But off and on all freaking day again.

I AM PREGNANT. I KNOW IT.

8dpo

This morning when I woke up, i was totally dizzy and nauseous. Big time. It lasted until mid morning. Then later afternoon the cramping started up. By dinner time, headache and dizziness back. tonight.. cramping. twinging. Still dizzy. Dying of thirst. No spotting at all today! Knock on wood!

I AM PREGNANT RIGHT? I HAVE TO BE! =)

*update* I got completely sick tonight. bad stomach cramping and bad scene in the bathroom.

7dpo

Today.. nothing. Everything that was happening to my body seems to have gone away. I had a few mild cramps today but nothing to crazy. Boobs feel fine. Still look a bit big, but nothing to crazy.

I tested my trigger out this morning and it is indeed out of my system.

Kim is pregnant again. 3 tries, 3 pregnancies. All 26 years old of her. Bitch. I do hope it sticks. I don't know how anyone could handle another miscarriage. This one has to be it for her. But why why why can't it be this easy for me? I've been trying again for 6 months and nothing.

Idiot that I hit yesterday went to the ER to try to find something wrong with him to probably try to sue me. Great.

6dpo

Today was a horrible day. I am not myself. I am off in la la land or something and totally scatter brained. The highlights of the day are:
1. I ran a red light. I could have killed someone or myself.
2. I hit a man on a bike. Again.. I could have killed someone. He was fine.

Today.. my boobs are still huge and I have been cramping terribly all day. Feel like AF will be here any second.

The 2ww

Well, this is the 6 2ww since my ectopic pregnancy and fallopian tube removal. It also marks 11 months since we officially started trying to conceive. Gosh.. it's actually hard to see that in writing! A year ago, I was so full of excitement and hope about having a baby. I had never had any 'female' issues in my life. Not even so much as an abnormal pap smear! And I got pregnant the second month we were trying and wham.. the nightmare began. I got pregnant and ended up with big time fertility issues. It still blows my mind... and breaks my heart. It's been almost 9 months and my due date from that pregnancy has come and gone and I still cry about it. The lost baby, the pain of the ectopic, the surgery, the looks on my husbands face as he watched me go through hell. It just sucks. There is really nothing else to say about it.

So that brings me to today. I am currently 5 days past my IUI. Intra Uterine Insemination. I was really lucky this time. I had two eggs for sure on my right side - where my remaining fallopian tube is - so I am really hoping that this is the lucky month. This is my 2nd IUI. I was hopeful last time but I went into the procedure thinking it wouldn't work. I didn't know why. I just did. This time it's different. I am more at peace with what is going on in my non-baby world. I can't control this. Not even a little bit. So, I have given it over to God and St. Therese. The Little Flower.

Everyone loves to analyze their 'symptoms'. Since I am more of a pessimist, I assume every twinge is nothing or at least nothing good like.. a cyst. Another ectopic. Anything but a baby.
The ovulation was really painful. I guess it's because my ovary was trying to push out multiple eggs at one time. Holy man. But here's a list of what I have felt so far. Writing them down now in case they are pg symptoms or perhaps just my body adjusting to all the drugs and medical stimulation.

1dpo: major cramping and bloating
2dpo: still cramping and bloating. Had a progesterone check at only 36 hours post ovulation and the result was an 11. That's low since I was a 23 last month. But 36 hours is really to early to get a peak reading on progesterone so I am taking that number with a grain of salt. Sore boobs
3dpo: sharp stabbing pains/twinges around my right ovary/fallopian tube. Man. It scared me. Thought I was having another ectopic for lords sake. Sore boobs
4dpo: really no symptoms or otherwise
5dpo: sore boobs again and cramping. The boobs are big. Thinking the progesterone is really peaking now.

That's it for today.

Had my IVF consult last Thursday. If this is a bust, that is where we will be. On the road to the Big Gun. ugh.......

And in the begining.. God created..

Just kidding. Really my life isn't all that grand or formal. I just decided that I needed a place to vent, talk, discuss, think about life. All for myself. I've been thinking about blogging for quite some time and today was the day. Today was 'one of those days'. I've had worse for sure, but today was challenging.

I hate my job. It's the most dysfuntional place I have ever worked in my life. Words cannot describe the nonsense that goes on there. And these people are educated intelligent people but some of who act like complete idiots! unprofessional, immature.. you name it! We've had 3 people quit in the last week. Leaving us with 11 left. That's crazy. Had to go to a meeting at DTE today and after the meeting I completely unloaded on Barbara, our office leader and told her what a fucked up place this is to work. Probably a career limiting move. I honestly don't care. i am there for the insurance and until I get pregnant. Then I am out of there!

On that note, nervous about tomorrows follie check. Hope I have something or some two or three things.. growing on my right ovary! Here's to luck blessing us this month!!