Thursday, January 31, 2008

IVF # 2 is officially underway

Yippee Skippee.

I guess I just don't have the excitement I did when #1 was getting underway. I was so sure it was going to work. Or maybe not sure, but at least very very optimistic that it would. Now I feel like all the innocence (oh please.. I guess what smidge there was left) has been taken away from me and I'll be going through the motions. Or really detached from this. It's not that I don't have any hope, the only way I can describe how I feel is detached. So strange.

I had my SHG on Monday. It went fine. No issues were found, thank god. Dr. A himself did it so I feel good about that. I also am in week #2 of my birth control pills. It seems so far away right now, but I know it will go fast.

I visited with my therapist yesterday. I asked her how she thinks I am dealing with everything. She said this:

You get out of bed every day
You shower every day
You eat every day
You feed and play with your dogs every day
You go to work and function at a high stress/fast paced job
You visit with friends and make plans with them. Even the ones with newborns or are pregnant
Your marriage seems to be as solid as ever, if not more
You are doing just fine

I thought about it. She's right! I still have my bad days and breakdowns. I still cry. Alot. But I do manage and manage pretty good. And I am proud of myself for that!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The IVF WTF Results

And of course. We left saying.. what the fuck. Of course! LOL.

Anyway....Had the WTF appointment yesterday morning. It was just us and Abuzeid himself for an entire hour. I was begining to doubt his exisitance around there. He's like a phantom. A ghost who does not exist.

Anyway.. It was pretty much what I expected. It *should* have worked but didn't. He was very encouraged that what did fertilize, made it to the blast stage. Our goal is to get more more more this time. And I just have this "thing" in my head, that I did really good with the Gonal F on my IUI's last summer AND I got pregnant on Gonal F, so Gonal F is what I should be on again!! So, we're going back to Gonal F and pumping it up baby! For IVF #1, I was on 150 of Bravelle and 150 of Menopur. This time I'll be on 225 of Gonal F and 150 of Menopur.

Strange thing was, he actually told me I would qualify to go into an IVF study they are doing. And since it was my second cycle, apparantly there is a discount. So had I been doing this out of pocket, they said it would have only cost me $6000 total for everything (excluding drugs). That's like a $3000 savings. I was like.. even with the failed/chemical IVF? He said yep.. causeI made good embroy's. Anyway.. doesn't matter for me since I am insurance paid, but I thought that was surprising.

Of course there has to be some pissy news too. He wants to do my retrieval and transfer himself this time. (last time it was his associate). They way the calendar would work, I would be ready for retrieval/transfer the last week of February and OF COURSE.. he will be out of town AGAIN. So instead of 21 days of birth control, I get to do 32 days to be sure I am cycling when he is in town. Jesus Christ. Honestly.

I also have to go back in for another saline ultrasound on Monday to be sure my uterus is still clear. Will it ever be over? Seriously. They are so miserably slow with their IVF cycles, if this freakin fails, I'll be having my 4th of July beer and burgers with a side of lupron and Gonal F.

The Deliberate Slacker

Yep.. that's me! I have stayed away from my blog for a couple weeks now. On purpose. Let me explain:

For the most part, I believe if you have nothing good to say, then don't say anything at all. And last week, I had nothing good to say.

After the initial sting of the IVF bombing, I did pretty good blocking it all out. We went home for the holidays and kept really busy. Sure, some of our friends and family asked how things were going, but we only told a select few that we were doing the IVF for that reason. I didn't want to have to relive it 100 times if it did fail. So it was nice to not have to discuss it for a couple weeks.

Then we came back, went back to work. Still not talking. At this point, I figured 'why bother'? I have nothing to say. I am not doing any treatments till the next IVF so why bring it up.

This also meant alot less crying for me. And that's a good thing.

However.. last week, I had a tough time. As I have said before, I can't even try without IVF. I discovered last week that it's even hard for me to talk to some of my other tttc friends. I admitted it to them: I am insanely jealous of the fact that you all get to do IUI's every month! That you get to talk about the size of your follies and how many. What your latest E2 level is. What day are you triggering?

I cannot partake in the conversations right now. I have nothing to add. So.. how can I be a good friend while grieving my situation. Which it's obviously clear I still am. And no amount of blocking it out and pretending it doesn't exist will permanently cure the problem.

So I decided to just 'shut the fuck up last week and say nothing.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I ovulated today. WTF?

Seriously.. I cannot believe this!

My cycles have always been 27-29 days and I ovulate on day 15 like clock work! Today is cycle day 25 and I just assumed I ovulated last week and didn't feel it. Well, yesterday I was crampy all day and assumed AF was on her way. But last night, I went pee and... tons of egg white cervical mucus. The next time I went pee, I took an OPK. It was blazing positive.

Ok.. I do realize this is my first non medicated cycle since the IVF and c/p. But I have never ever ovulated this late before. I am shocked. So, I guess this puts me at least another week off of my next IVF. Boo. Not that I am jumping at the chance to do my shots again, but I want to get on the road. I cried this morning when I realized I was ovulating. It means nothing now. I can't do a damn thing with it. My eggs go out there to float around in space like some abandoned satellite. It sucks so bad. Every non-IVF cycle is an off cycle for me. Will I ever get over it?

I am now doing the IVF check-ins on the board. I am glad to do it. It gives me a chance to know the girls better and see what and how everyone is coming out of this mess. It also helps to know that IVF #2 or IVF #4 might be the one. I can't stop cause the first one didn't work. Some of these girls have been through it so many times and it really is an inspiration to me. I am looking forward to keeping up with everyone.

On the bright side, I met two of my Nesties for dinner tonight. Monkeysgirl05 and Bebee29, aka Sam and Steph. We get together often. I love that they are not just screen names to me anymore. They, along with TheSkimmy and naturalblonde05 have become my support system. When I am sane enough to actually see a bright side of infertility it's them. Because of this shit, I have made some wonderful new friends. Friends I will keep for life, I know it.

Thanks girls! I don't know what I would do with out you!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008


So.. I am irrationally pissed today. I guess I should say it started last night. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I do.

What is making me this way? Well.. two things.
1. The fact that I am not pregnant or do not already have a child. Of course right? My infertility is what started this blog and what primarily keeps it going. Some days, hearing that other people are pregnant really gets to me. Yesterday was one of those days. It's hard to hear no matter who the newly pregnant person is. Someone with IF like me or not. If they don't have IF, then I'm like.. of course. Everyone can get pg but me. But if it is someone with IF, then these days, that prompts me to think, great. So why are these treatments working for everyone but me? When will it be my turn? It's hard not to feel 'left behind'.

This is not to say I am not happy for these people. Especially the IF people. It IS good to see these treatments working. But again, I feel soooo left behind. Especially when I can't even TRY to get pregnant every month. I can't even TRY unless I am doing IVF. How do I ever get past this? oh yeah.. I know. To have a baby. This is so hard for me to swallow.

2. My family situation. Particularly what is going on right now with my oldest brother and his wife and their treatment of my mother. It's a long story and one that gets me so upset and riled up, I don't even care to type it. Suffice to say the mentally ill should stick together so it's nice that they have each other to fight with.

Honestly.. my family sucks. My immediate family that is. I am 12 years younger than my nearest sibling so I didn't grow up with any of them. They don't know me. They don't want to know me. Hell, they grew up together and and they don't like each other, how could I expect them to like me? I don't. And I honestly don't care. I only care about how they treat my mother. Which, since my dad has been dead, has been pretty shocking. And these people are all in their late 40's. Heck.. my one brother will be 50 this year! After my mom is gone, I truly do not see having a relationship with any of them except my one brother. And that's only because his wife is the sister I never had. And I am ok with this. You can't pick your family. And I do not believe that just because they are blood I have to keep allowing them to mess with my life. They are toxic and I have enough problems in my life without these fools.

But still.. it is upsetting. I just want to have my own family because the one I was born into sucks.

And I can't have my own family unless there is a miracle out there somewhere .

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Dear 2008..

First, I would like to say Welcome Welcome Welcome!!

It is with utter joy and excitement that I welcome you into my life! Even though Jeff and I are really sick with bronchitis and were awaken at 7am by the retarded neighbors snowblowing their drive ways, I have very very high hopes for you!

I don't know when I have looked forward to a new year so much as I have to you! Wait, actually I do remember that I was pretty darn excited to meet 2004 as well and I gotta tell ya... 2004 did not disapointment!! So you have some pretty big shoes to fill! After all, 2004 was the year that put Jeff permanately in my life and saw our relationship blossom in to THE relationship of a lifetime!

This is officially a challenge to you.. 2008... start your engine now cause there are high expectations of you! It is up to you to show Jeff and I that our pain, patience, hard work, and unconditional love will be acknowledged, if not rewarded greatly. You will never hear me say.."I know you cannot be worse than 2007" cause I know that things can always get worse. But to you I ask and pray that you show us the way to our rainbow. To our pot of gold. For I refuse to believe that Jeff and I are only meant for pain. I know the next great thing in our lives is just around the corner waiting for us to find it.

So 2008.. let's get busy and work together!