Saturday, November 24, 2007

Very.Bad.Day

So yesterday morning, I had my IVF stim check #3. And it was pretty much my nightmare. Almost all but like 5 of the 19 eggs that they counted on Wednesday had stopped growing. The nurse said we would be lucky to get between 5-8 eggs on retrieval. I totally lost it.

My worst fears are coming true. I can't believe I can go from 19 to maybe getting 5 out of this? Can I...

NEVER CATCH A FUCKING BREAK IN THIS SHIT?

We were going down to see George's show, "Walking with Dinosaurs" and I knew they wouldn't call me before I had to go be in front of Jeff's family so I called them at 1:50 so if they were going to cancel my cycle, I could find out about it in private and decide if I was still going to go or not. They are not canceling me. In fact, they didn't even think they should increase my meds at this point which shocked the shit out of me? Don't we want to try to get a few of these bitches that are at 11's and 12's to pump it up and mature? Nope. They think I need a few more days. I just cook more slowly than some. So I don't go back till Monday and they will trigger whatever is there at that point.

And the nurse was totally rude to me. She goes.."I know you were upset today, like you are every time you come in here". I was like.. excuse me? This is my life we're talking about and you're fuckin A right I am upset you stupid bitch. That is what went through my head but I didn't say anything back to her. But I am going to find out who it was I talked to when I go back on Monday.

THEN..the goddamn pharmacist was a rude ass to me too! I could not win for losin yesterday. With anything. When they increased my Bravelle, I had to go get more, but I didn't want to refill the Menopur unless I absolutely had to. It's another $80! So when I found out I have to take shots till Monday, that meant I needed to refill Menopur now. When I picked up the Bravelle, they had bagged the Menopur too and I told them no.. just the Bravelle right now. Well, they put it in their computer as "filled" and then they couldn't find the non-picked up boxes and since the jack ass that was working yesterday was not the one I worked with before, he was telling me that I couldn't have it. Well... all he had to do was call other pharmacist to verify and find out where it was.. this was a pain to him evidently. Disregard the fact I was about to flip out on him. He was such an ass. But he finally did it after I did flip on him. Fucker.

So.. that's that. I may be cancelled. I may not. But it is a possibility hanging out there in front of me now. And I think what this did was finally convince me to realize: I may never have a biological child. It's a reality I need to start considering. No matter how painful and no matter that Jeff thinks I am crazy for saying and thinking it. It is a possibility. One that even after losing two babies and both my fallopian tubes that I had not really believed. After yesterday. I do believe that it is a possibility now. A heartbreaking, life altering possibility.

So today, I am going to do things for me. Go to acupuncture. Go get a pedicure and eye brow wax. Walk my dogs. Things for me.

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