The Down side of Anger

To bad anger has 5 letter in it. It is something of a four letter word to me lately. I am angry. A.N.G.R.Y

Angry that I did not find my soul mate until I was almost 31 years old.
Angry that my stupid fucked up job sucked so we waited until we were married a year before we started trying to have a baby
Angry that I got pregnant so fast and it was ectopic
Angry that it was the most physical pain I ever hope to be in in my entire life with that tube bursting.
Angry that I decide to reward myself by getting lasik eye surgery and even that got fucked up and I spent almost a month blind in one eye and needed another surgery to repair it.
Angry that I will not have a child before I am 35 and it this point, I'll be lucky to have one by the time I am 36 too
Angry that I was not pregnant again before my due date of August 2nd, 2007
Angry that all the time and money I spent on treatments resulted in nothing but...
Angry that I finally got pregnant again for it to be ectopic again
Angry that my beta' started doubling like a normal pregnancy and gave us hope that this was our baby
Angry that after the fifth beta doubled awesome, the ultra sound said.. sorry. It's in your tube again
Angry that the first surgery was enough to get the pregnancy out of me
Angry that I needed two surgeries in 5 days
Angry that I can never get pregnant again with out IVF
Angry that I will never have an 'opps' baby
Angry that every cycle is now an 'off' cycle for me unless it's an IVF cycle
Angry that my life has become so fucking tragic that my friends and family no longer know what to say to me. There really are no words
Angry that we may have to go into debt to have a family now
Angry for my darling wonderful husband who doesn't deserve this.


I am really mad at the world. I don't want to be mad. But I am. I am so frustrated. I've been trying to bargain with God to be sure this IVF works. What if I am nice to this person? Or if I don't have bad thoughts about that person? Will the good Karma come back to me? My therapist and acupuncturist say no. That no matter what kind of a person I am, IVF can fail and it can succeed. There are to many other factors besides if one is a good person or not.

I still feel like trying to put some good karma out there. Some of it is bound to come back to me someday right?