Monday, August 27, 2007


It just doesn't get any better than this. Yesterday morning at 11 dpo, I woke up dizzy and nauseous again so was very hopeful. I went to pee about noon and boom: Spotting. By 6 last night, I had terrible cramps and starting some flow. Woke up this morning and took out the tampon and there wasn't much on it so I poas. I thought I saw a faint line but thought I was seeing things. Once I pee'd, the flow came on full force. Game over.

So.. I called the new RE's office, Dr. Abuzeid and they gave me a little schedule to get my IVF cycle started. Wednesday, I go in for blood work. Friday, start b/c pills. Tuesday, HSG at Beaumont to see if my other tube is even open. It isn't necessary with IVF, but I want to do it for peace of mind. As I was scheduling the HSG, the lady says.. are you sure you are not pg? I was like.. oh yea. AF is here full force. Not pg for sure!

Well.. I was still a bit nagged by the line I think I imagined this morning. I was like.. did I want to see it so bad that I actually willed it on to the pregnancy test? Well.. to give the Beamont Lady peace of mind.. I decided to poas again. This time... no doubt about the faint line. What the fuck?

So now I will poas again tomorrow morning. if it is positive, I will go to Dr. Mersol Barg's for a beta test and see what they say. Until then.. I assume this must be a chemical pregnancy or a miscarraige.

Unreal. Well, I did dream about my dad congratulating me about getting pregnant. I guess it was correct. It just might not last.

Saturday, August 25, 2007


Today sucked. Big time.

I awoke to a very vivid dream today. I dreamt that Jeff and I were with my mom and dad in some cabin up North. Actually I think it may have been my grandparents trailor at Indian Lake where i spent so much time as a child.

In my dream I was still going through fertility treatments and was at the stage in my cycle I am right now. I woke up and took a pregnancy test. It was positive immediately. I walked down the hall and bumped into my dad who said.. congratulations honey. I even remember what he was wearing. Jeans and a white tee shirt.

I woke up to this and thought.. well go with it. Maybe it's a sign. So I tested, even though I officially wouldn't have been 10dpo until like 3 today. Of course, it was a BFN. I was so upset and spent half the day in tears. For a variety of reasons.
1. It was a BFN. Not even a hint of a line.
2. I'll never hear those words from my dad.
3. I am afraid I will never be able to get pregnant again.

The cramping was with me all day again. Dizziness off and on for sure and a nasty headache this afternoon. Feel like AF will be here any second.

I also cannot shake the feeling that my right tube is blocked and I should have done an HSG before I got into these fertility treatments. I feel like I have just wasted 7 months of trying.

I am so hopeless today. Hopeless and just in total dispair.

Friday, August 24, 2007


Making this really quick. I woke to the dizzy feelings again. No boob soreness but had the pre-af cramping all day. It was very low in the uterus and mild. But off and on all freaking day again.


Thursday, August 23, 2007


This morning when I woke up, i was totally dizzy and nauseous. Big time. It lasted until mid morning. Then later afternoon the cramping started up. By dinner time, headache and dizziness back. tonight.. cramping. twinging. Still dizzy. Dying of thirst. No spotting at all today! Knock on wood!


*update* I got completely sick tonight. bad stomach cramping and bad scene in the bathroom.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Today.. nothing. Everything that was happening to my body seems to have gone away. I had a few mild cramps today but nothing to crazy. Boobs feel fine. Still look a bit big, but nothing to crazy.

I tested my trigger out this morning and it is indeed out of my system.

Kim is pregnant again. 3 tries, 3 pregnancies. All 26 years old of her. Bitch. I do hope it sticks. I don't know how anyone could handle another miscarriage. This one has to be it for her. But why why why can't it be this easy for me? I've been trying again for 6 months and nothing.

Idiot that I hit yesterday went to the ER to try to find something wrong with him to probably try to sue me. Great.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


Today was a horrible day. I am not myself. I am off in la la land or something and totally scatter brained. The highlights of the day are:
1. I ran a red light. I could have killed someone or myself.
2. I hit a man on a bike. Again.. I could have killed someone. He was fine.

Today.. my boobs are still huge and I have been cramping terribly all day. Feel like AF will be here any second.

Monday, August 20, 2007

The 2ww

Well, this is the 6 2ww since my ectopic pregnancy and fallopian tube removal. It also marks 11 months since we officially started trying to conceive. Gosh.. it's actually hard to see that in writing! A year ago, I was so full of excitement and hope about having a baby. I had never had any 'female' issues in my life. Not even so much as an abnormal pap smear! And I got pregnant the second month we were trying and wham.. the nightmare began. I got pregnant and ended up with big time fertility issues. It still blows my mind... and breaks my heart. It's been almost 9 months and my due date from that pregnancy has come and gone and I still cry about it. The lost baby, the pain of the ectopic, the surgery, the looks on my husbands face as he watched me go through hell. It just sucks. There is really nothing else to say about it.

So that brings me to today. I am currently 5 days past my IUI. Intra Uterine Insemination. I was really lucky this time. I had two eggs for sure on my right side - where my remaining fallopian tube is - so I am really hoping that this is the lucky month. This is my 2nd IUI. I was hopeful last time but I went into the procedure thinking it wouldn't work. I didn't know why. I just did. This time it's different. I am more at peace with what is going on in my non-baby world. I can't control this. Not even a little bit. So, I have given it over to God and St. Therese. The Little Flower.

Everyone loves to analyze their 'symptoms'. Since I am more of a pessimist, I assume every twinge is nothing or at least nothing good like.. a cyst. Another ectopic. Anything but a baby.
The ovulation was really painful. I guess it's because my ovary was trying to push out multiple eggs at one time. Holy man. But here's a list of what I have felt so far. Writing them down now in case they are pg symptoms or perhaps just my body adjusting to all the drugs and medical stimulation.

1dpo: major cramping and bloating
2dpo: still cramping and bloating. Had a progesterone check at only 36 hours post ovulation and the result was an 11. That's low since I was a 23 last month. But 36 hours is really to early to get a peak reading on progesterone so I am taking that number with a grain of salt. Sore boobs
3dpo: sharp stabbing pains/twinges around my right ovary/fallopian tube. Man. It scared me. Thought I was having another ectopic for lords sake. Sore boobs
4dpo: really no symptoms or otherwise
5dpo: sore boobs again and cramping. The boobs are big. Thinking the progesterone is really peaking now.

That's it for today.

Had my IVF consult last Thursday. If this is a bust, that is where we will be. On the road to the Big Gun. ugh.......

Thursday, August 9, 2007

And in the begining.. God created..

Just kidding. Really my life isn't all that grand or formal. I just decided that I needed a place to vent, talk, discuss, think about life. All for myself. I've been thinking about blogging for quite some time and today was the day. Today was 'one of those days'. I've had worse for sure, but today was challenging.

I hate my job. It's the most dysfuntional place I have ever worked in my life. Words cannot describe the nonsense that goes on there. And these people are educated intelligent people but some of who act like complete idiots! unprofessional, immature.. you name it! We've had 3 people quit in the last week. Leaving us with 11 left. That's crazy. Had to go to a meeting at DTE today and after the meeting I completely unloaded on Barbara, our office leader and told her what a fucked up place this is to work. Probably a career limiting move. I honestly don't care. i am there for the insurance and until I get pregnant. Then I am out of there!

On that note, nervous about tomorrows follie check. Hope I have something or some two or three things.. growing on my right ovary! Here's to luck blessing us this month!!