Wow.. I suck. it's been over two months and what a couple months they have been. I was pregnant. again. It was ectopic. again. I had surgery. again. Twice this time. I lost a fallopian tube. again. Unfortunately this time, I have none left. I am officially out of business. I can never get pregnant again without major medical intervention. AKA. In Vitro Fertilization.
It's been a really hard couple of months for me. With both of my pregnancies, there has been so much damage to my body physically, that I can barely get to the whole 'I just lost a baby' aspect of the situation. This whole bullshit experience has led me to many many feelings:
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and not have the first word out of my mouth be FUCK.
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and not end up in a life endangering situation of my own
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and not need to have an organ surgically removed from my body.
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and have it be in the right place.
My spirit is very broken. My body is very broken. I have major guilt. What if Jeff can never have a biological child because he married me? I also have major questions. Like, what did I do to deserve this? My doctors told me I had a better chance of being struck by lightening- twice. Did I piss off the big guy upstairs? What did I do wrong? Is my Karma THAT bad? And if so, how do I fix it? Who can I talk to? Who makes these bargains? I am willing to pay whatever I have to. Do whatever I have to to get a baby out of this life. The only thing this experience has taught me is to never utter the words.. it can't get any worse. Because it can. It always can.
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