Wednesday, February 27, 2008

And... we're off...

Yesterday marked the official begining of the big begining. The baseline ultrasound and first shot of stims. I went in for the u/s and b/w. Everything came back where it should. I.E. E2 was <60 and progesterone was less than .5. Today is the first full day of stimming. Did my Menopur shot this morning along with my Lupron. Will do my Gonal F shot in about a hour or so. I am doing the stim shots 12 hours apart. It's kind of a pain in the ass. oh well. I don't go back for a u/s check until Monday. So I will stim for 5 full nights till I have a check. Pretty standard and probably to early for me since I had to stim for 14 nights last time.

There are a couple of things we're doing differently this cycle:

1. I did one shot (half my dose) of stims last night on cd1. Full stimming on cd 2. I did not start stimming until cd4 last time. I wonder if this is contributed to only getting 8 eggs. That seems late knowing what I know now.

2. I am doing Gonal f instead of Bravelle

3. I am doing the 150 of Menopur in the am and the 225 of Gonal f in the pm. Keep the ovaries pumping 24/7

All of that said, I am different also. I am not as excited as I was the first time. I do not have the hope that I had the first time. If it fails, it fails. I am done being devastated. I am done letting this rule my life. If it fails, we're adopting. The application is 80% filled out and the stamp will get licked the day I see a BFN.

I am detached. Complacent. Accepting.

Perhaps it's a defense mechanism. I don't know. I just can't be devastated again.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

This One is for Jeff

Since this is my blog, I am going to take the opportunity to say that I am married to the most wonderful man on the face of this planet. I am humbled, honored, and just plain ole' bewildered that I ended up married to this man.

How did it happen you ask?

Well, one very cold wintery night, I was on my way home alone from a 30th birthday party celebration for a friend at a bar. It was snowing and I was bored so I wanted to get home. I was walking the 2 blocks to my car alone at about 1:15 in the morning after another night of being out at the bar and meeting absolutely no one of any interest. As I approached my car, I saw two guys also walking in the parking lot, which by the way, was the parking lot of St. Mary's Catholic church. As I walked I heard, "excuse me, do you the the time?" I said "sure, and I am sure you do too if either of you have a cell phone" and kept walking. They came up next to me and at first I was a bit startled. But they said.. yeah, you're right.. do you want to have a smoke with us?

Well, I was in no hurry to get home to my lonely bed and they were both dressed in suits and coats so they looked respectable, so I said sure, why not? I talked with them for about a half hour and then was cold so I said good night. Then one of them said I just want to tell you how beautiful you are and can I have your phone number? I laughed. He was cute-ish. I gave him my business card and said I don't give my number out. Sorry!

He emailed me. We emailed. We went on a date. And another and another. I moved to Chicago and he didn't let it go. Through a twist of fate, I got another job back in Detroit and came back 6 months later. We bought a house and got married.

We had the most beautiful dream wedding I could have ever imagined and an even better first year of marriage. We decided to wait to try for a baby as I had never been pregnant before, but never had a 'female' issue in my life and was a 28 day clock. My obgyn said, I'll bet you'll be pregnant in no time. So we waited. And we've now been waiting 16 months. If my first pregnancy had worked out, we'd have a 6 month old baby now. That's how is should be. But it isn't.

Jeff has taken care of me, supported me, cooked for me, cleaned for me and.... nursed me back to health through 3 surgeries and 3 pregnancy losses in these 16 months. I often ask him if he could have ever imagined what he was signing up for when he married me. He got me and all this shit.

He says he wouldn't have it any other way.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Yeah for AMA!!

I officially have something else wrong with me says the world of infertility. I can now add advanced maternal age to my diagnosis. I turned 35 on February 7th.

When did this happen? How did I get to be 35?

I don't feel 35. I don't think I look 35. And I know I sure as hell don't act 35. This is not what I pictured 35 to be.

When I pictured 35 many many moons ago, I thought I would have the big house out in the suburbs, 3 kids, and a career I loved. It's so strange for me to admit this, but I never thought I would have a good marriage. I knew I'd be married. I just thought it would be full of drama and discontent. Either on my part of that of my husband. Afterall, that was what my dating life was full of! Crap! One broken engagement, one declined proposal, and countless dead end relationshps. I always assumed I'd have a crappy marraige!

Well, I don't have the 3 kids or the big house out in the burbs or even the career I love. Not even close. What I do have are two dogs I worship and adore, a medium sized house in a hip neighborhood that is close to the job I loathe that pays really freakin good and covers IVF. And.. a husband I love love love and who love love loves me. We are peanut butter and jelly. . Spaghetti and meatballs. I can't believe I got SO lucky.

It was a nice birthday. I got treated to many things. Lunches from coworkers, dinners and drinks from friends. Jeff also took me to Morton's for a big fancy dinner. It was amazing!

I couldn't really think of anything I really wanted this year. What I want RIGHT NOW is a vacation. And that's the one thing I can't have. Not staring down IVF #2 in the face. So, I asked for a plan. And tickets. And that's what I got. Tickets to see the Tigers and the Yankees. In NYC!! So we bought the tickets and booked the flights for the first weekend in May. I cannot wait! Pregnant or not! We are there! We have never been to Yankee stadium and they are tearing it down after this season. So away we go!

Can't wait!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I Am Not Alone

I know this.

But sometimes I think I am the only one who is having trouble having a baby. The only one who repeatedly keeps losing pregnancy after pregnancy. The only one who IVF has bombed out for.
I know that's not the case, but I can't help but feel like this a lot.

Yesterday I was reminded. I have two TTTC friends that I met on the Nest and are local here in Detroit. We see the same RE. They both have had long roads as well. Both were able to try again in December after various surgical procedures. Both got pregnant in December. Both have now miscarried.

After I found out they were pregnant, I was jealous. Why was our RE getting everyone pregnant by me? Geez! And now I feel terrible for ever having thought that way. They have both now joined my little club.

There really should be a rule: If you have THIS much trouble getting pregnant, you get to STAY pregnant.


In other news.. I was around 100 little children over the weekend. I did have moments of longing and saddness. But I didn't cry. I made it through.

Last night was the 'first day of school' for Bailey and Kali! We started our first 'children' in doggie begginer training last night. Bailey really doesn't need it but Kali does. We thought we might as well do it together and it couldn't hurt Bailey. It was fun. And already Kali made progress! Have I mentioned how much I love these dang dogs and how much joy they bring to our lives?

Friday, February 1, 2008

A Window Has Opened.. (just a crack, though)

After the IVF failed, I decided it was time to officially start getting used to the idea that if I am ever going to have a child, it might be through adoption only. As I think back over my life, I never really had a big opinion on adoption. I would hear of people adopting and I have a few friends who are adopted. I always thought it was a great thing. Thank god there is that option and that there are women brave enough to have a child and give it up.

And of course, Hollywood has manged to almost romanticized adoption. Making it look like it is as easy as going down to the local Walmart and picking up a kid. Sure, when you have unlimited funds and unlimited use of a private jet to get you to whatever exotic local your child is at, and bypass the lines and hussel your application through whatever State department you have to....adoption is a snap!

I guess I always thought adoption was a wonderful and beautiful thing.... for other people. I never felt 'called' to adoption. I always thought I would get pregnant, have my own children and be done with it. Adoption was just something I surely would never have to do.

Then life through us the Infertility curve ball.

Throughout January, I have been looking into a few agencies. I wanted to find one that would mesh with our beliefs and parenting plans. It's not as easy as you think! With most agencies, there's always one or two things that disqualify us or that we don't agree with. I've read about 1000 pages of application procedures now, I think.

I've narrowed it down to two agencies. One is definitely the front runner. I talked with both agencies over the last couple of days and for the first time since my fertility was taken from me back in September, I actually can see a baby at the end of this. True, it is not a baby of my womb, but it will be our baby. And even if it is still a year away, I can sorta make out the light at the end of the tunnel. It's a nice feeling. I hope I can hang on to it.