Saturday, August 25, 2007

10dpo

Today sucked. Big time.

I awoke to a very vivid dream today. I dreamt that Jeff and I were with my mom and dad in some cabin up North. Actually I think it may have been my grandparents trailor at Indian Lake where i spent so much time as a child.

In my dream I was still going through fertility treatments and was at the stage in my cycle I am right now. I woke up and took a pregnancy test. It was positive immediately. I walked down the hall and bumped into my dad who said.. congratulations honey. I even remember what he was wearing. Jeans and a white tee shirt.

I woke up to this and thought.. well go with it. Maybe it's a sign. So I tested, even though I officially wouldn't have been 10dpo until like 3 today. Of course, it was a BFN. I was so upset and spent half the day in tears. For a variety of reasons.
1. It was a BFN. Not even a hint of a line.
2. I'll never hear those words from my dad.
3. I am afraid I will never be able to get pregnant again.

The cramping was with me all day again. Dizziness off and on for sure and a nasty headache this afternoon. Feel like AF will be here any second.

I also cannot shake the feeling that my right tube is blocked and I should have done an HSG before I got into these fertility treatments. I feel like I have just wasted 7 months of trying.

I am so hopeless today. Hopeless and just in total dispair.

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