Saturday, December 12, 2009

The 1st trip to Santa is in the bag!

Wow.. that was an event.

Jeff and I both have vacation days to burn by the end of the year so we decided to take yesterday off to spend as a family and go visit Santa for the first time. We figured better a Friday than a Saturday at the crazy mall.

We got up and started our routine as normal but I had to leave for the mall around8:30ish so that I could go get our Santa "fast pass". If you've ever been to Disney World, then you know what I am talking about. You go... put your name in, and get your Santa time and come back when it's your scheduled time. This is a great system as it avoids people having to stand in line for hours with screaming children.

The only flaw in this system is that they won't let you actually just make a reservation for a particular time. In our case, I needed a time after lunch, but before the afternoon nap. So about 1:00. My friend had been to the mall the previous Friday and when she got there at 10:00 am, they were already handing out times at 1:30! So I was sure I needed to be there by 9ish. And I got there at 9ish. I was not the only one with that plan! There were other parents there doing the same thing!

What was crazy about it, it was actually SLOW!!! I ended up having to wait for an hour and 40 mintues to get a time after 1:00!! So.. in that time, I bonded with the other parents, got a Starbucks and browsed Janie and Jack. Something I should never be allowed to do as it inevitably ends with me dropping to much money on clothes for the boys! Sadly, they know me there and made me promise to bring the boys back later that day so they could see the in their Christmas clothes. Which.. I had to shamefully admit.. were NOT Janie and Jack!

Anyway.. we were on time for our 1:14 Santa appointment. We got right in! Had to wait for one family ahead of us. So I will give snaps to Sommerset and their well oiled Santa machine! This mall really is beautfull at Christmas. (pictures to follow) SO how did it go? Well.. it went like yeah... you can see how it went!

But.. it's a right of passage right?

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Well, we’ve made it through one holiday so far this year! It was kinda rough but we’re all alive. We went to Jeff’s mom’s for Thanksgiving. There were 19 adults and 11 children. It was chaos. Chaos on top of an un-baby proofed house and teething boys makes for well.. an exhausting 3 days. But I am glad Jeff had a nice time and got to see a lot of his family. That’s what counts right?

The boys are up to so much lately. They really are one laugh after another. They love to clap at everything. They wave at everything. They pucker up to kiss everything. Alex was especially fond of his cousin Addison’s doll this past weekend. It was hysterical! They love to throw balls. Everything is a “Bah”. Ben is really shaping up to be quite the lefty! Jeff of course, is thrilled by this prospect and is already looking for major league baseball scouts to get their opinions! LOL And their new favorite game is peek a boo! They love to cover their eyes and wait for one of us to yell.. PEEK A BOO!!! Sometimes they will even put blankets over their heads and pull them off. Alex.. well he loves to put everything on his head. Blankets, burp cloths, pants.. you name it!

Alex is not only just walking.. he is running. Like a mad man. Nate and Ben are so funny. They get up.. stand up. Take a couple steps. But then realize if they are going to catch him, they must still crawl. They are walking but not with the confidence that Alex has. But they are getting there so fast. It really amazes me. To think… at this time last year, Ben still didn’t weigh 5 pounds! Alex and Nate? They were about 6!!! To say they have come a long way in these 13 months is understatement! My preemies are not preemies anymore. They are 13 month old toddlers with no delays! It’s impossible for me to look at them and not get choked up!

Overall, things are busy. Time flies. This week has been no exception. Half of my Christmas shopping is done, the tree is up, the Christmas card is ordered. What next? More shopping this weekend and a party with the high order multiples group! This group is for families with triplets, quads, and quints. It really makes us feel “normal’. They understand the daily chaos for sure! Our group has adopted another high order multiple family in need, so the kids will be giving gifts to the children of the family in need.

I am so thankful that we are able to do this and to participate in three other exchanges like this. We’ve had an expensive year and precarious year with our job status uncertainty for sure, but we hope it’s behind us. Because we feel so fortunate, it’s very important for us to give back to those who are in need or just had a really shitty year. Health and happiness is fleeting. Who knows when I or someone I love may be on the other side of things. So for this year.. we share the wealth.

It is also at this time of year when I think about those still struggling to conceive the most. I had two really awful holiday seasons in 2006 and 2007. In December of 2006, my first pregnancy was diagnosed ectopic when my fallopian tube burst on Dec. 18th. I had surgery immediately that morning. I ended up back in the ER with my stitches hitting a nerve on Christmas Eve. I remember sitting on my living room couch in front of the Christmas tree a couple days after Christmas that year and Jeff saying to me… Don’t worry sweetie.. by this time next year, things will be much different for us. And he was right.

They were much worse.

After losing my other fallopian tube and my second pregnancy in September, we found out our first IVF was a chemical pregnancy on December 14th of 2007. I’d had it. I was a total mental, emotional basket case. I swore that was the last Christmas I was spending surrounded by and buying presents for nieces and nephews and children of our friends. Jeff and I both agreed, if we weren’t at least pregnant or knee deep in an adoption by Christmas 2008, we’d be spending our Christmas drowning in Mai Tai’s in Hawaii from now on.

I thank god everyday for the gifts I’ve been given in these boys. I just wanted to be a parent to A child. Any child. I didn’t care where he or she came from. Just one little child was all I wanted. So to all of you out there still struggling, my thoughts are with you now at this most difficult time of year. I hope that this is your last holiday season that you have to feel like this.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

some pics..


Our first leaves..

A day in the life..

Here is a day in our life:
6:00ish AM: I hear monkey’s start to babble
6:10: Mom is in the shower
6:30: Mom is dressed and downstairs letting dogs out, feeding dogs, getting bottles (monkey’s are now full on chatting and yelling to be let out of cages)
6:45: Diaper changes for all. Bottles begin
7:00: playtime
7:15: Mom is out the door
7:30: Nanny Poppins arrives and Dad is out the door.
5:30ish: Mom and Dad are home. Monkey dinner begins. Ends with Mom and Dad wearing said dinner
6:00: PM Playtime with mom and dad
7:00: Bath time, books, and general get ready for bed
7:30: bottle
7:45: Bed
7:45: Mom starts her house chores, Dad starts his. Mom’s will include fold laundry, grocery shop, prepare tomorrows lunch, bottles, and dinner, clean up. Dad’s include Mafia wars and Monday night football. Occasionally trash night.
10:00: collapse into bed, maybe get 30 minutes of TV before sandman takes over.


It’s a crazy crazy day. But pretty typical for a working parent. You try to cram it all in and hope you don’t mess anyone up along the way. I miss the boys so much while I am gone all day. We’ve all started some separation anxiety. Especially Alex. He does not like it when we walk out of a room. AT ALL. And Nate and Ben aren’t far behind! I realized on Saturday that I too.. am suffering from separation anxiety. We went out to dinner for Jeff’s birthday. It was our first time out together since August 9th. Jeff’s mom and step dad came to visit to babysit for us. I had a horrible time leaving. Horrible. I’ve come to the conclusion that we no longer do anything together because our weekends are for the kids and only the kids. I feel like I have so little time with them during the week that I can’t possibly give up one waking moment during the weekend. But of course, as a result my marriage is suffering. Not that it’s bad or in trouble, but still, it’s not the same. I feel like we’re parents and not a married couple now. It does bum me out a bit. We had a nice time on Saturday night. A really nice time and made me think, we need to make more of an effort even if it’s just a “date night at home”. So we’re going to try.

But the boys are so amazing right now. Makes me want more kids! If only I could give birth to an 11 month old…. Hum..

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Once again..

I am a total blog slacker.

GAWD I have been b.u.s.y.

Towards the end of September, we really swung into high gear trying to get the house ready for the boys 1st birthday party. That meant painting and organizing and shopping and planning. And in the end, we only got two rooms out of the 4 we wanted done. And we didn't even get to the hall either.

I was also getting ready to sell in the my first mom to mom sale. I only made about $400. That was a big disappointment to me and I won't sell in that sale again. It was SO much work getting ready for it, but on the up side.. Melissa and I got out of our houses for some adult time!

Then there was the BIG party!! OH BOY. My boys are 1!! I lived through it and I can't believe it! Of course they were all sick for the big day and there was some drama leading up to it with certain family members. But that's pretty much typical in the Johnson/LaLonde families. And the weather did NOT cooperate. We had planned to have it outside in a big tent, but it was way to cold. I was soooo nervous about having that many people in my house. But, in the end, it all went beautifully! We had about 60 people with the kids and my house held up fabulously. I had SO much food. After it was over I was like.. did anyone eat? LOL There were so many wonderful things about the day. The boys were amazing and LOVED their smash cakes. My best friend in the world drove 7 hours to be here with her 4 kids, as did my mom and grandma. All of Jeff's best friends came down from Midland and Bay City. We are so honored all of these people drove for hours to help us celebrate our miracles!

And since the party, we've all been sick, there's been Halloween parties, pictures... so much going on.

But what sat me down tonight finally? I really needed a place to just write out some feelings. I hate that I most feel compelled to blog when I am upset or something has royally pissed me off. But, it is what it is. And tonight, I am just heartbroken for a friend whose baby was just diagnosed with a horrible life debilitating and threatening disease called CIPO. Chronic Intestinal Pseudo Obstruction.
CIPO is also very rare.. affecting like 1 out of like a million children.

The friend is a 'virtual' friend who I know through a chat board of women with multiples. It's an amazing group of girls and I've become so attached to them. And sadly, this is the second baby in our group that has been diagnosed with this condition this year. I've talked to a couple friends in the medical field and they can't believe that not only have I have heard of this disease and know what it is, but that I actually know of TWO babies with it in our small group of about 100 women.

The first baby, J.. is somewhat stable now after many many hospitalizations. But still has chronic pain. His mother was a great comfort to me in the early days of my pregnancy when we thought Ben and Nate might be mono amniotic. And then again when Ben was diagnosed with reflux. J and his brother were and she was by default.. an expert in the conditions and now, she is an expert on CIPO. She is remarkable. I think of her and her family every hour or every day. When J was finally diagnosed back in May, I was MIA due to the move, boys being sick, losing my job.. all that shit. I really feel a huge pit of guilt for not being there to be more supportive. If only thoughts and prayers were enough. Thank goodness J is stable right now, but many many tests and a very long road is still ahead for him.

And now.. poor baby G has been diagnosed with CIPO. And he is very.. well.. not stable. In fact, it's been one thing after another for this poor child and his family. When I read his mother's most recent post this afternoon, I literally lost it at my desk and had to go for a walk. Baby G has the sweetest face you could imagine and I can't bare to look at it knowing how sick he is.

I've had to ask myself tonight.. why am I so upset by this? I don't know this child or his mother other than over the computer. I think I have concluded that A) I am also the mother of young boys only a couple months older than G and a couple months younger than J. B) It's human nature to feel bad for a sick baby C) Having dealt with Ben's awful reflux and the hospitalization of all three of my boys at the same time last winter and knowing how upset and scary both of those situations were to me and my husband, I just can NOT fathom escalating those circumstances to what these mothers are dealing with.

It takes my breath away and knocks me on my knees. It makes me very angry with the powers that be. How can these babies be suffering so? How? Why?

I don't consider myself particularly religious. Although, I am catholic, did attend church regularly and probably will again when I can.. I consider myself more spiritual. Since this has all started with baby G, I find myself praying non stop for him. Several times a day.

So.. if you read this and you pray.. or you talk to some other higher power not of this earth.. pray for baby G and baby J. They need all the help they can get right now.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The World According to Facebook

I looked up the definition of Facebook today.

Here is what Wikipedia has to say:Facebook is an American social networking website that is operated and privately owned by Facebook, Inc.[1] Users can add friends and send them messages, and update their personal profiles to notify friends about themselves. Additionally, users can join networks organized by city, workplace, school, and region.As far as I know.. It's intent is to be "friends" with people you are actually friends with or those you don't get to keep up with as much as you would like.

What it does not say is that Facebook is a place where those you are "friends" with should go to get ammunition to bitch and gossip about you. It does not say you should be or stay "friends" with those people you've had a falling out with or those commiserating with the person you've had the falling out with.

So you can probably guess where this post is going. I de-friended someone on Facebook. Someone who made it clear to me that they did not care to continue a friendship with me. Someone who.. as it came to my attention.. was making me the subject of some gossiping and mocking.

From what I am told, I royally pissed them, or at least Pissed her off to the point that this person actually made me the subject of her Facebook status ranting about how immature I am and that I need to GROW UP and continued the rant in a rather lenghty wall post. All because I defriended them and some other people associated with her.

Here is my question: Why on earth does this person feel she is still entitled to have access to my life and the lives of my family if she has made it clear to me she does not wish to continue our friendship? Why does she CARE to have access to a Facebook page of someone she hasn't seen in months and no longer speaks to???

I am VERY confused by this.

When we had our falling out, I was told how much I suck as a friend and human in many many different ways. Of course all of our mutual friends don't know everything she said to me because I didn't forward her emails to everyone we mutually know. And this is someone who I should allow continued access to my life AND the lives of my children????? Seriously??? It took these girls less than 24 hours to figure out I deleted them. So that really tells me I did the right thing. If someone deleted me... I would have no freakin clue. None. Unless I was constantly checking on them and their page.

I really refuse to leave myself or my family open to this degree of high school bullshit.

To say I am very disappointed in this person is an understatement. My first reaction to our falling out was to delete her off right then and there. But I didn't because I think there was part of me that was hoping it would blow over and we would be friends again. But it just hasn't. I did really enjoy my friendship with her and was sorry to see it end. I think I am still in a bit of shock that it mainly came to an end over the fact that my life has been completely chaotic this year and I really had no time for friendships. Any friendships. And for my part, I said if she couldn't understand that, it's best that we part ways now. I can't be the friend she obviously needs. I am not a stay at home mom with one child. You can't compare apples and oranges. Enough said.

So back to the reality of where we are at. To add to the list of insults that were hurled at me before, now I can add the list from the FB rant that took place the other night. I am immature for deleting her and her friends and..... last but not least.. I need to GROW UP.

Really? I need to grow up? Wasn't she the one forwarding my emails to god only knows how many people last month when we were hashing this out? And isn't she the one who set her FB status to a completely idiotic rant about me and would let it die on the wall? What is ironic is that apparently I am the 4th person to delete her off FB in the last month or so. I have to wonder if I am the only one of the 4 that pissed her off enough to get my own status update and wall post on her page? And if I am the 4th person, then perhaps it's time to think about why that might be. All 4 of us can't be immature can we? Do all 4 of us need to grow up?

The last thing I am going to say on this subject is... NO. You are absolutely NOT entitled to nor do I owe you any kind of access to my life and the lives of my husband and children. My Facebook page is just that. MINE. The place I chat with my family and friends. The place where I upload photo's of my children so I can keep up with friends near and far. And if I have a bad day and I want to vent about it on my page or whatever the hell I want to do, I want to do so without having to worry that someone out there is reading it and using it against me or as their fucking entertainment for the day. It's fucking Facebook. Does it really mean that much to you to be on my page?? Someone you can't stand?? There isn't one part of me that thinks I did the wrong thing. In fact, you proved that I did the right thing and should have done it sooner.

And if you still feel this entitlement to my life, then telling you to grow up... well that is the least of your problems.

Monday, August 31, 2009


That's me!!!

Ok..I have waited a really really long time to hear that. Really long. Who was it? Well.. it was none other than Alexander. The Alexgator. It made what was pretty much a really long crappy day totally worth breathing. And I am having trouble breathing today, let me tell you!

I am sicker than a dog right now. Sinus infection, cough, runny nose, watery eyes, pounding head, no sleep.. you name it. I went to a training class today at work and as they were setting up, the lady setting up the computer says..'gee Jen.. you look really tired and well.. out of it". Then I opened my mouth and revealed my sexy raspy (ok.. horse) voice and she goes.. ewww!!! You're sick! oh yeah. I really frankly don't remember the last time I felt this shitty. Yesterday, I was a total deadbeat parent. I was unfit to care for the boys. Today, I was "that person" at work who I cringe at. the person that should not have been at work and put others at risk to my plague. But the sad thing is.. first of all.. I only get so many sick days and I feel like I need to save them in case my nanny gets sick or the boys are so sick I need to take them to the Dr. And second.. I was seriously in no condition to take care of them again. Going to work was the easy way out.

So I muddled through a half day of report specs (high cost claimants and pharmacy data) and the second half of my day was spent on Diagnostic Cost Group'ers. ohhh the excitement! LOL And then I weathered my way on my hour commute. Got some shitty news along the way (but that's another post entirely). But I made it home to my three gorgeous, adorable, snotty nose, coughing love muffins.

Jeff started feeding them dinner tonight in the high chairs. I was talking to them as he was feeding. I went to leave the kitchen for a minute and when I turned my back to leave... Alex let out a blood curtling scream and twisted himself to follow me out of the room (that's a pretty normal occurance) and started yelling MAMA MAMMAMAMMA...

I know.. he's young. 10 months and not quite two weeks. But it seemed so...deliberate. Jeff and I both saw the look on his face and he knew what he was saying. This child is so smart that he scares us. Had it been Nate or Ben, I would have thought.. babbling. But Alex? He knows. They've all been babbling Dada for awhile now but this was the first time I have heard Mama.

Then, when we were putting them to bed. I was getting bibs and bottles organized standing at their dresser and he was fussying as he crawled over to me. Grabbed my pants leg and pulled up and he did it again.. mama mama mama...

Anyway.. it was quite the moment for me. Mama. I have waited to hear that for so long. It was such a moment. It made a sick miserable day A Ok.

ok.. I have to go cry again.

Monday, August 24, 2009

10 months!!

I can’t really believe that 10 months has FLOWN by this fast. Everyone always says that your children grow up to fast and man.. they were not kidding!

The house is sure alive with the sounds of babies these day! Or.. should I call them ‘pre-toddlers’? They boys are SO busy.

Benj…. Is crawling crawling crawling but still a bit slower than his two brothers. But make no mistake.. he can sure get around in lightening speed too! He loves to play with the toys. Loves both our Laugh and Learn and Leap Frog tables, the cruise and crawl jungle.. but most of all.. he LOVEs his inflatable roller and LOVE LOVE LOVES his jumperoo. I am seriously going to post a video of him in the jumperoo. He is HYSTERICAL. He gets going something wild. Whenever someone comes the house, we must have Ben put on his show for them! He is crazy pants in that thing!

He is really enjoying his finger foods and will eat pretty much whatever I put in front of him. He has SEVEN count them, seven teeth! Little piranha!!

And Ben has surprised me. Ben… is the most loving mama’s boy of the three. He is such an amazing cuddler. Loves to hug and be held. If you want a snuggle baby.. he’s it. It’s odd to say.. but Ben is the baby I think I felt least bonded with in the beginning. He had such awful reflux that Jeff was the only one who could stand to feed him for a good couple months. He was in such terrible pain that he would just scream and flail during every feed. My mom and I just couldn’t do it without crying. But the last couple months, wow.. he’s a total mama’s boy!! I love it! He is just a sweetheart. So good natured and loving. He really is an angel baby.

Na Nate. Yes.. that is what I call Nate 95% of the time. I just always say.. Na Nate! He too.. is the loving, good natured angel baby type. Sooo cuddly.. so sensitive! You can hurt Nate’s feelings very easily. The other day, I went to go get Alex to change him and I held out my arms to get Alex to reach for me, Nate was next to him. They both reached for me. I picked up Alex and Nate started crying so hard!! It was terrible!! Poor sweetheart! I had to go give him a kiss too. Nate and Ben are sooo much alike. But go figure.. they’re identical twins! But Nate is a bit more adventurous than Benj. He tries his best to keep up with Alex and usually does a pretty good job. He pulls up in his crib, pulls up on everything. Crawls everywhere. Fast! He also loves the jumperoo, learning tables and this standing piano thing we have. I don’t even know what the name is for all our toys!

He is my picky eater. He sure loves his cheerios and puffs, but really doesn’t want anything to do with eating other finger foods. Not like his piggy brothers! I always say.. he is going to be my peanut butter and jelly baby! He too, has SEVEN teeth!

Both Nate and Ben LOVE it when I sing to them. They are totally captive audience. We sing patty cake, itsy bitsy spider and the ABC song non stop. They love love love that patty cake song!

And then there is Alex. Alexgator. What a personality he has become. OMG. Alex was the first mama’s boy of the group. No one would do for him but me. And he was very vocal about that. He is my strongest personality for sure of the three. Now… Alex is way to adventurous and curious to be contained. You can’t keep a wave on the sand right? That’s Alex! He is EVERYWHERE. Don’t turn your head folks.. there goes the whirling dervish! Precocious is the word for Alex for sure. He loves to touch everything. Put everything in his mouth. He can crawl like lightening and when he reaches his destination, sitting and looking at it is not good enough. He wants to stand ON it. He took his first steps on his 10 month birthday. Three big steps between a chair and a couch. Clumsy yes.. but he sure did it!

He has six teeth and will eat anything and everything. He has a hollow leg I am sure. I can’t believe what he eats and he is still tall and skinny! He loves to hear stories and be talked to like he’s an adult. He high fives and points. He is non stop entertainment for sure!

But he does have a soft side too. Loves his pacifier, loves to be held. One look into those bright blue eyes and anyone would melt.

We are enjoying them so much. I hate putting them to bed every night. I want to keep them up! Of course, I wish they didn’t want to party by 5 am every day.. but the alternative.. a quiet house.. just would not seem right! We love it the way it is!

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Thankful. Blessed.


Those are a few of the words that have been running through my mind the last couple of days. It is just unfortunate that something awful had to happen to someone else to cause them to run through my mind.

One of the girls from my online infertility support group and subsequently, my multiples group suffered the unthinkable loss of one of her infant triplets.

I remember when I first found out I was expecting triplets. A whole gamit of emotions, thoughts, and fears ran through my mind those first few weeks.

Of course the most important thing is that I was finally pregnant with a pregnancy that had an actual chance to become a live baby and make my dreams come true of becoming a parent. That first ultrasound was the first one out of oh... 10-20 ultrasounds I had had while pregnant that actually looked like a viable pregnancy!! I was so relieved to have saw and heard A heartbeat let alone 3!!

So of course, that was the most important thing. But as soon as that was out of the way, the next emotion to hit me was sheer panic. Obviously when you do IVF, you must prepare yourself for multiples. And Jeff and I had those discussions. When we did the transfer, we decided to let our Dr. make the choice on how many to transfer. He choose 3 for a variety of reasons. My age, the fact that I can ONLY get pregnant with IVF, and that we had just had a failed (chemical pregnancy) IVF with two blasts of the same quality that we had this time. We agree to move forward with three. He gave us a 60% chance of success with a 10% chance that all three could stick. In the end, I guess I was just meant to have triplets. Two stuck, one split into identical twins. Honestly, really honestly... I was so down, out, and depressed that I hardly expected to get one baby out of that cycle. I had no faith, no hope really. Never in a million years did I think I would end up with triplets.

So the panic. How would I get these babies safely into the world? For them and me? Then... how would we fit them into our house? Could we afford all this? So so so many questions and worries. Hell.. I even had sleepless nights thinking about how the hell I was going to find three names I liked!

Of course we know how my story turned out. Aside from two hospitalizations totally 3 weeks, about 5 extra trips to Labor and delivery, birth at 33 and half weeks. My babies are perfect. And perfectly healthy. I came out of the delivery worse than they did! LOL

So.. why me? How did I get so lucky? I guess it's just one of those questions I will never know the answer to and that's ok. I can't question. I've definitely had my share of shit in this life and I can't question that either.

My only hope for the other triplet family is that they know only joy from here on out. It's time. They deserve it. Enough already. I hope that their other two babies continue to thrive and come home with their parents where they belong. That in time, they can ease the pain they feel now. They'll never forget the lost baby of course and even though there are two here on earth, they'll always be triplets. I can't imagine my trio minus one and I am sure they will always feel that way too. But honestly.. enough already. It's time for this family to have happiness.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Baby Gate 2009

I know.. serious title hey? LOL But.. this is pretty much the look of our house these days. LOCK DOWN.
The boys are M.O.B.I.L.E. They are everywhere. It's just so exciting and fascinating to watch them. Together and on their own. They play together for a bit and then inevitibly, they wander off. The family room in our new house is one big ole nursery. We have couch (soon to be brand new sectional) a leather lazy boy, and a plasma TV mounted on the wall with a stand underneath it that holds our dvd, cable box ect. And that is it. Other than baby stuff that is! There are still two pack n plays, two jumperoos, one excersaucer and 1000 toys and mounting every day. And I love it! And that is quite the thing for me to say. Let me just say, anyone who has been to my house knows I am slightly obsessive compulsive. I have been compared to Monica from Friends before. Not that I am scrubbing my floors every night, BUT.. I am sooo tidy. I HATE it when things are out of place and I HATE HATE HATE clutter. I swear it makes me twitch. So the fact that I am able to leave these toys strewn about is a break through for me! But it's all about those three little men. They are such the sun the moon.. the stars..
Besides crawling all over, they are pulling up on everything. Especially Alex. He is not content to mearly kneel or sit by anything. Nope. He hits his desitnation and climbs up whatever is there for him to grab on to. Ben and Nate are also doing it but are not quite the pros that Alex is. Alex the Explorer. Speaking of middle names.. here are a few we call the boys and their recent 9 month check in stats:
Alex. Alias':
Alex the Explorer
Boo Boo
Weighed in at 19 pounds 2 ounces. 28 and 3/4th inches
Ben: AKA:
Ben THA Man
Weighed in at 18 pounds 5 ounces, 28 inces
Nate: AKA:
Termi-nate-or (get it? LOL)
Nate D
Na Nate
Boo Boo Boo
Luv bug
Weighed in at 19 pounds ounces, 28 inces.
So the boys all fall between the 10 and 30th percentiles. Still little men but right on track!
They are eating great! In fact.. they are eating us out of house and home! I just cannot WAIT to see my grocery bill when they are 16. Holy moly. They are doing great with the finger foods. So far they've had all the stage 3 foods, puff, cheerios, pancakes, cheese, blueberries, watermelon, waffles.. and I feel like there are things I am missing! But.. they are getting the hang of it. I hope they will be moving to more people food soon. This baby food is SO expensive. But what isn't expensive about triplets right? LOL
Yeah.. $40 a week in diapers, $50 a week for formula ( THANK YOU SAMS CLUB) and I would say we are going through about $30 a week in baby food right now. So.. about $480 a month. Oh.. and then there is my nanny... But then I look at them and it's like.. huh? what money? YOU"RE SO STINKIN CUTE!
Anyway.. I gotta hit the sack. 5:30 comes way to fast!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

You Can't Please Everyone...

You really can’t.

Not your kids, husband, parents, friends, siblings, boss, coworkers, employees. Heck.. I am sure even my dogs would have something to bitch about if I had a yearly review with them!

But this topic really has me thinking and pondering my relationships and interactions with all of the people above since a good friendship pretty much came to an end this week over my insensitivity to others needs and what I am told is my lack of participation in it the last several months. That, coupled with my hesitation to try to jump head first back into this person’s life during a difficult situation because I wasn’t sure if I was still welcome. Me trying to feel out the situation to see if it was ok to talk to her was viewed as kicking them when they were down and inappropriate by the person in question and another mutual friend who was brought into the picture by said ex friend. And for all I know, everyone else who my email was forwarded to.

For the most part, I am a really logical person. I definitely know the difference between right and wrong. I think about most things before pretty thoroughly before I do them. Ok.. maybe not that time I went in the mall to return something and came out with a $1000 purse.. but you catch my drift. I’d really like to think that I do not do things to ever intentionally hurt the feelings of anyone I know. Actually no.. I KNOW I do not set out to hurt the feelings of anyone much less the people I care about. Am I perfect? Hell No. Do I always remember your anniversary, birthdays... Maybe not. But do I set out to hurt feelings or ignore people I love? No. I know I do not do that. I know when the words “I’m sorry” should come out of my mouth for sure.

I have had the same three best friends for more than 30 years. And the one who stands out even over the other two.. we always tell people that we’ve “been together since we were 2”. And the crazy part is, I have not lived in the same town with any of them for almost 17 years now. But yet, we’ve still maintained our relationships. Through moves all over the country, military service, marriages, divorce, broken engagements, kids, miscarriages, showers, deaths in our families. The fires are still burning. I’d really like to think there is a reason for that. I know how to be a good friend. Even though we might not talk to each other every day or even every week sometimes, I always know that I can ‘go home’ to them. And if one of them did have an issue with me, I know they would pull me aside and ask what the heck my problem was or where or where have I been? Am I alive and kicking still? I would get the benefit of the doubt and we would move on.

Like I said above, I was accused of being a bad friend for the last 7 months. The funny thing is, I completely agree! I didn’t dispute this fact at all and told the person I 100% agreed. But, If you know me, or you read this blog, then you know what I have been doing for the last 7 months. Suffice to say it has not been sitting on a Caribbean island sipping pina colada’s! Heck no.. in fact I haven’t left the state since May of 2008! LOL

So what have I been doing for the last 7 months in question????????? Well.. I’ve been slightly busy with those three little men I gave birth to last October. Oh.. and then throw in being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, losing my job, looking for another, dogs, house hunting, moving, unpacking, starting a new job, adding in two hours of commute time every day… well.. there you have it. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 7 months.

Some things had to give. Namely, it’s been anything I used to do for myself. Nails, hair, showers, working out, going to dinners with friends, chatting on the phone or computer….those things are either gone or few and far between. (yes..I shower daily for work now) But, I’d love for people to know how much time I actually spend just making formula every day or how many evenings after the babies are in bed require me to fold laundry, grocery shop, iron clothes and run other assorted errands before I collapse into bed by 11 and pray the boys don’t wake me up at some point before my day starts again at 5:30-6. I didn't just wake up one day and decide I had better things to do than be a good friend.

In fact, tonight marked the first night I went to dinner with friends since last July before I was put on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. Tonight was the first time I left Jeff alone to do the bedtime routine so I could go out for some fun.

I have had mixed emotions about what has happened this week. Of course I am sorry to lose a good friend. I am of the opinion that you can never have too many friends! But I really feel totally attacked for putting the focus of my life on my family for these last several months. And that cannot be helped. How could it? And I feel that this person also used me as a punching bag and took a lot of their current frustrations out on me in that several other unnecessary insults that were hurled at me. I cry wolf.. I don't step up, I don't thank her properly. Ok. So when I said thank you.. did I not mean it? Was there a certain amount of time in which I was supposed to repay all those good deeds? If so, I did not get that memo. And I don't remember the last time I did something nice for someone and expected repayment at all. But maybe that's just me.

But this has caused me to step back and ask myself, what could I have done differently?

Sure.. I could have made more of an effort to be involved in my friends lives. But this wouldn’t just go for the friend in question.. there are about 8 other people who could make the same claim on me. And this has prompted me to do some damage control with them and ask them if they feel the same way. I’ve gotten pretty much the same feedback from my other friends: no.. we don’t talk to you as much and while that’s a bummer, we know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing. One friend said to me that she hopes it changes of course and said that as her kids got older she definitely was able to re-enter normal society again. Another friend was quick to point out, that unless you’ve had multiples like we do, there is no way for anyone TO understand our lives. And yet another said that if she had a problem with me, then SHE should have acted like a real friend months ago and called me up and simply said “I miss you, let’s try to get together here soon and find a time to talk” instead of hurling insults at me and giving me no chance to save the friendship.

So, what’s done is done. You live you learn. Maybe the loss of one friend will save me from 3 more. Who knows. I just know that I am trying the best that I can to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, dog mommy, and employer. Some days I’ll succeed. Others.. probably not so much. But on the days where I don’t, it’s not intentional. Really it’s not.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

A New Kind of Normal

So I am 4 weeks into my new job now. We're slowly getting a groove. I wish I could say leaving the boys every day has been easy, but it's not. In fact, I came home on Tuesday to find the boys in their high chairs and Julie.. our wonder nanny.. had the food all ready for me to feed them. I sat down to feed them and Julie left the room. Alex twisted in his high chair and followed her out of the room. I was like.. great... working 4 weeks and my kid already prefers the nanny!! Hey brat... what about the first 8 months of your life when you only saw my face every day?!?!!? You were the total mamma's boy too! NO ONE would do for you.. but ME. Mommy!!

Every time I leave the house for work, I have visions of something that happened when I was a nanny back in college. I took care of these two girls. One 18 months.. the other 5. I LOVED that baby. She was my baby. I swear. One day I had them at the pool club and their dad had to meet me there cause I had plans that night. I went to hand her to him and she would NOT go. Screamed bloody murder. I felt bad giving her to him. And then and there I thought... if that ever happens to me.. I'll die.

SO that is what I thought happened to me on Tuesday. Well.. my in laws are here for the weekend and this morning when I was feeding the boys, my mother in law walked out of the room and Alex followed! The same way he did to Julie the other day. phew. He is still a mama's boy!

That said, I do love my new job. It's what I want to do. It's what I like to do. I am slow right now learning the ropes, but eventually I'll be so busy the days will fly. I hate the drive, but eventually, I'll have great flexibility. All that and the job I was hoping to have but was in a hiring freeze when I was looking called me this week and said.. hey.. guess what? The hiring freeze is over.. want the job? Umm..... Great.


But that said.. how blessed am I to have had the job opportunities in this horrid town right now?

And our nanny.. she's the BEST. I LOVE her. Jeff went out of town this week for a few days and she spent the night! She's like.. I don't have anything else going on.. I'll hang out with you for the night! We got sushi...watched the Bachelorette... looked for bedding and bath stuff on the internet. It was fun for me too! I feel like maybe being her "friend" isn't right but she's fast becoming part of our family and I like it!

And the boys? oh boy oh boy. Our house is officially on lock down. They are EVERYWHERE. When I watch them crawl.. I just can't stand it. They are so freakin cute I could die. My mom and sisters and nieces were all here last week.. this weekend it's Jeff's family and of course everyone is falling all over themselves at the babies. And I've taken a couple of them to baby showers recently. Same there. I really do have the best babies. Of course everyone says that and rightfully so about their own kids. But my babies really are amazing. They are always happy and smiling. They sleep through the night. They are cuddlers. They are adorably cute. They play together and alone and have become so low maintence we sometimes forget they are there! HA!!

Most importatly, they are healthy. And I still can't believe they are mine!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Happy 9 Month Birthday boys!

The loves of my life.. 9 months old today. Happy birthday boys!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Hello old friend!

Wow.. ok so almost 3 months.. no.. over 3 months has gone by since I last update. I seriously have to plead major insanity. My life these last three months have been absolute chaos. Let's see.. here is the quick and dirty run down...

1. We bought a new house. Our old house was just to small. We loved it, but we were bursting at the seems and it was only going to get worse as the boys....and their toys.. get bigger and bigger. Our tiny living room couldn't hold more than the two jumperoos and swing we had in it much less have any space for the boys to start floor play. We all would have been in separate rooms! The Detroit housing market being what it is (down right horrible) we had some big decisions to make: Risk having to forclose on our current house to get the new house as there is no way we could hope to even remotely break even on our old house. Or.. stay there for an indefinite amount of time. We choose option #1. Our plan was to make double payments on both mortgages for the summer and pray pray pray our house sold as a short sale.. but then...

2. Two days after closing.. I got laid off from my job. It wasn't shocking to me at all, but seeing as how I had been asking my boss for an answer for months and was avoided.. ignored.. you name it. I was so pissed about how poorly it was handled. I'll say it now.. Mercer.. you are the worst fucking piece of shit company I have ever worked for. Or.. rather your management is a fucking joke and getting laid off was the best thing that ever happened to me.

3. We survived the move. omg. what utter chaos. We moved from a 1500 square foot house into a 3000 square foot house. You try to clean that and take care of 3 babies, 2 dogs, 1 mother, 1 husband, and the partridge in a pear tree. But.. we LOVE LOVE LOVE our new palace. It IS a palace to us. The house is about 30 years old and needs some cosmetic love but for the most part it was move in ready. Not only is the house enormous, but we have a 3 car garage and THE most beautiful lot that is just under an acre of flowering trees and preenials in a gorgeous upscale suburb North of Detroit. We feel no need to aspire to move anywhere except our retirement condo in Cancun!

4. My mom left. I was on my own finally with all three babies all day. Nough said.

5. I began to job search and go on interviews in my spare time.

6. I found a job! And I truly believe it is THE job. Where I will stay for the remainder of my career. There are so many wonderful things about my new company and job and only one negative: My commute sucks ass. My job is in Ann Arbor. ON a good day, it takes me 40 minutes. On a bad one.. over an hour. So why you ask did I take this job with 3 babies at home? Well.. for one thing, the company is virtually recession proof. Almost every big company in the country is a client. As is almost every health plan. Everyone needs us. Next.. I am doing what I did at my job two jobs ago and I loved it. I was good at it. Third.. in this horrible economy (and yes.. it is way worse in Detroit than anywhere) not only did I not have to take a pay cut, I got a raise. I was astounded. Last but not least, once I am trained, I will be able to work from home couple days a week and have all the flexibility one could ever want. How blessed am I?

7. Due to #6, we had to hire a nanny.. and a lawn service.. and a housekeeper... and you would think that with the way the economy is here that this would have been a snap right? Honestly, this could be 4 posts on it's own. Suffice to say it was a horribly frustrating experience, but we found a great one and she is working out fabulous so far!

So that has been what is going on with me and what I have been doing the past three months. Oh yeah.. I still haven't unpacked.

As for the babies.. where to begin? The last three months has changed my infants into almost toddlers! They are amazing. And happy. And loving. And beautiful. I see all these multiples coming to early and scaring their parents half to death lately and I get choked up. For them of course and their struggles, but how did I get so lucky? Really? How? I tend to think sometimes that my life has been a series of ridiculous struggle after ridiculous struggle. And I get really down. I think sense the infertility, things don't roll off me like they once did.

But I have three healthy beautiful boys that make all the other shit go away. How blessed am I?


Tuesday, April 14, 2009


I really hate that all of a sudden this blog seems to have become my place to vent. This is supposed to be the place the I record all of the goings on with the babies. After all, it did start out as an infertility blog. Lately, it's really become the place I go to because really.. I don't have another outlet right now.

I've said it over and over again. What a difference a year makes in ones life. And of course that can go for the better or for the worse. I always try to remind myself of that little saying when I am feeling at a crossroads with life.

Last year at this time, I was newly pregnant and had just found out that not only was I pregnant, but that it was triplets. I don't mean to belittle those of you who may read this blog who have given birth one at a time or even to twins. But triplets is well.. harder. Just as I am sure that the person who had quads could say to me.. girl.. if you only knew. The change that the pregnancy and birth of the triplets has brought to my life has been beyond my wildest dreams. I won't state the obvious changes. I am sure you can guess what it does to ones pocket book, sleep patterns, and decor of the house that is now filled with swings, excersaucers, and jumparoos. But, tomorrow, I am facing yet another repercussion of my infertility. I am losing my job.

Things were really going great for me at work when I found out I was pregnant. I had just got promoted, was happily plugging away on the two biggest clients we had and had a great relationship with everyone. Clients, management.. everyone. Then I found out I was pregnant with the triplets and all of a sudden, I could no longer work long hours. I couldn't plan for the future. Then I ended up having to be done with work at 22 weeks due to my preterm labor issues and ending up in the hospital. I had to go on bed rest. Then once the boys were born, I thought it best to take an extended leave of absence in order to keep them out of daycare during RSV and flu season.

As a result, my clients are gone, I've been replaced on what was left, our firm is suffering due to the horrible economy in Detroit and thus.. I am completely expendable. No one will miss me. I've never been "let go" or "laid off" from a job in my life. In fact.. the polar opposite. When I've given notice at my last couple of jobs before this, the reaction was.. why? What can we do to keep you? And here I am. In the worst economy since the depression, in the worst state in the country, in the worst town. And with three newborn babies to support.

Oh the irony.

It would be different if it were just me that I had to worry about but it's not. It's my husband, my babies, my dogs. Hell.. even my cleaning lady and baby sitter who depend on us for money.

I am trying to find a silver lining in this. That I'll be able to spend more time with my babies. Time with them being little that I'll never get back. Perhaps now I am guaranteed to be the one who is there to see them sit up for the first time, crawl for the first time and even walk for the first time. Perhaps now, I'll be the one who hears their first word instead of a daycare worker. Perhaps this is the way it's supposed to be, right? I did wait 35 years for the chance to do this. I did go through 2 years of heartbreak and fertility treatments to get here right? So this is my chance, right? No paycheck is worth it is it?

So why am I scared to death?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Someone shoot me.. please.

Honest to god.

Today is Saturday. So Jeff is home. We get done feeding the babies, I get them dressed.. get in to take a shower. Now.. I enjoy my Saturday and Sunday showers. Since he is here with my mom, I don't have to take a 2 minute shower. I can actually take a 10-15 minute one and wash my hair! And I look forward to washing my hair twice a week!! Jeff and my mom "get along". But this whole living situation has unfortunately tarnished the view each had of each other before she came to stay with us. We've had some really rough moments, but lately.. things had been going ok.

So.. while I am in the shower, I hear a door close - loudly. Not a slam.. but loudly. And I know it's my mom's door. I get out and it's still shut. So I look at Jeff and go.. huh? He says.. I was walking by from the babies room to our room and her door was cracked like 4 inches or so and I could see her in there naked and changing! So I shut it and I am not sorry I did. I don't need to see that.

I cringed.

I am pissed. Ok.. did you have to acknowledge it? My mom acts like a 10 year old on her best days and this is just going to piss her off and totally embarrass the crap out of her. I was like.. thanks a lot dude! Great way to start of the weekend when I already had a great enough week!
He immediately gets pissed and starts yelling at me again, that he is not sorry.

My mom goes downstairs. I talk to her like normal. She goes back upstairs with her cereal and shuts her bedroom door. Loudly.

Really. Can someone shoot me?

I had a rough week. Mentally. The boys are finally sleeping somewhat better and it's amazing what a little sleep can do for ones outlook on the day. But this house business was really getting the better of me. I was convinced we wouldn't hear from the bank in the near future, thus causing us to have to pay another $2500 for a nonhomestead fee if the house wasn't closed by May 1. Not to mention still being in this house locked up like sardines. But I had talked it out in my head that if it wasn't m'eant to be.. then it wasn't. You see.. we've resigned ourselves to the fact that we're going to have to forclose on our current house to get out of it. Whether you agree with it or not is not why I am blogging about it. And I don't care to hear how we're contributing to the mortgage meltdown in this country. I realize that, but I didn't start it and we won't be the ones who finish it either. It's a decision we feel we had to make for the sake of our growing by the day family. And in Detroit, selling the house you're in and even breaking even is not even a remote possibility for the indefinite future.

Then we hear on the house. All is well right? Well.....

I read over my leave papers from work. It says I return on May 1. I didn't realize it at the time, but May 1 is a Friday. So I think.. why would I go back on Friday. Monday makes more sense. And the daycare needs to know what my plan is. They could take more kids on Friday if mine are not there. It is there lively-hood after all.. so of course they want to know.

So I email my supervisor and the head of my department. Which day? No biggie.. just let me know. No response. I call both. No response. I am being ignored. Avoided. Coincidence? Let me also remind you all that my two biggest clients have dumped us and everything I would do the rest of the year no longer exists for me to go back to. And.. since I am on unpaid LOA, they are under no obligation to restore me to my previous role. Humm... what do I smell here?

Finally I get a one line email from my supervisor. The big boss is out of the office (which is bs cause I know he was in in the morning yesterday as my spies tell me) and he'll call me next week. So what I thought was a no brainer question has turned into "the boss will call you next week". Now there are two ways I can view this:

1. I am about to be layed off. Let go.. whatever.
2. I could never get a straight answer out of my boss when I sat three feet from him. All he would say is that "it's out of my hands, talk to big boss" and getting the time of the big boss is like an audience with the Holy Grail. When I was about to go out on maternity leave last summer.. I had emailed him.. called him.. gone into his office while he was there and could NOT. NOT get 3 minutes of his time even when it related to actual work I needed a decision on to move forward. When discussing the terms of my leave, I had to actually call our HR department in our Chicago office and have them call him to FORCE him to have the leave conversation with me. I kid not. I was ready to drop three babies and couldn't get his time.

So choose your option.

Either way, it leaves me worried and upset about my job. Me and the other million people in this area still hanging to their jobs by a thread. Do we still close on this new house and drain half of our savings on the down payment and moving to get into something we can actually live in? Some place we can be comfortable long term and with the school district, as we would never send them to the schools where we live now. Godforbid Jeff lose his job too..would we have possibly two forclosed houses to our name?

We really don't know what to do right now.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

On the verge...

I think I am hormonal or something. I've been on the "verge" lately. True.. I did sort of snap on my mom and Jeff on Sunday after the no sleep night. I was like.. I need help around this house. And it's not going to get any better. Especially since I let our cleaning lady go on Monday. Am I insane? No.. we need the money. Anyway.. there's just been so much going on.

Then.. the other night, a couple of my old coworkers came by. It was great to see them, nice visit, but one of them was like.. so when do you think they will lay you off? I was like..huh? Do you know something I don't? True.. we're hurting right now and everyone is nervous, but would it necessarily be me who goes? Who knows!! So I was like.. gee.. thanks for putting these thoughts in my head as if I didn't already have them.

Of course then there is the house. It was over two weeks ago that we put the offer in and we've been waiting on the short sale approval. What I have learned in this is that it's soooo hard when you want something so bad for the good of your children and not be able to secure it. We're basically throwing our asses out the window to get this house because we need the space. But of course we have no control over it. There are so many factors that will go into getting this house but I've had to convince myself.. well.. maybe it isn't meant to be. And there was a sign from the universe.. my realtor called this afternoon and the bank approved it. I couldn't believe it! Now, we just have to formally apply for the loan and close. I am crossing my fingers that nothing.. NOTHING ELSE comes up to prolong this!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Ahhh Sleep...

Things are so much brighter when you've had more than 3 hours of broken sleep per night!

The boys teething was wrecking havoc on our whole house. OMG. How long is this going to go on? I started using Tylenol when I need to. Not sparingly or once a week like I the drug police. I've also started with the Hyland teething tablets and orajel. Seems to be helping.. and Sleep training!! Now.. I talk like my boys were horrible sleepers. But the reality is that they are not. The problem when you have three infants sharing a room is that say.. one of them wakes and wants their paci at 1:00 am.. you might not hear from that infant till 6 again. But if you have one that does it at 1, another at 2, and yet another at 3.. and then one who was born at 3 pounds and change that still can't make it through the night without a bottle screaming for it at 4... well.. it all adds up to NO SLEEP FOR MOM!!

The other thing that was really starting to wear on me was the napping issue. Again.. when you have three.. getting them to nap at the same time is like trying to climb Mt. Everest. Nearly impossible. And you can't really sleep train a 3 month old preemie. So you do what you have to and accept the fact that you will always be carrying around a baby during the waking hours.

So this week, I put the Baby Whisperer into full effect. They boys actually go down to sleep at night like a dream. We feed them, put them in the crib and boom.. down they go. So when they wake now..we only sooth. I won't feed them until at the very earliest 4 am. And I am going to stretch it more every night. Today.. it was 6:30 am!! YAHOO. I think once they start daycare and have to rise and be out of the house earlier, it will completely eliminate the need for the early early am feed. And naps.. for the last three days, I put them down at 10:30 and again at 2pm. And I leave them there for at least one hour in the morning and 90 minutes in the afternoon. It's working. There is some crying, but it's really happening!

It hit me today that I only have two more weeks of full time at home with the boys. I can't believe it's almost over. All the complaining and crying that I've done when I have felt overwhelmed.. now i feel awful and I am going to miss my babies every day.

This sucks.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Just one of those days...

I am entitled to them every once and a while right? Today was one. I sometimes remember the life I used to have and think wow.. that wasn't that long ago. The difference in my life from this time last year to today... oh my god.. there is no resemblance what so ever.

The boys are having a tough time at night right now. We do get a couple good nights here and there, but lately it's been more bad than good. They are teething something fierce. Those of you with one, or even two children teething at a time know how painful that one or two can be. Three.. yeah.. you can only imagine right? So I am sleep deprived for sure. And it's always me who is getting up in the middle of the night. Not once, twice or three times. There are nights when I am out of my bed at least 10 times. And they have not dropped the early morning feeding yet. So there is always a feed between 4 and 6. I am exhausted. Jeff and my mom do get up to help me with the feed, but in between, it's me. Jeff doesn't hear them and by the time I would wake him up, I am up so what's the point in both of us being exhausted? And they are not my mom's kids. They are ours.

My mom pissed me off something crazy today. We were getting the boys ready to go on a couple errands. It was raining so I needed her to go and stay in the car with the boys so I could run in the stores. And no.. I can't just leave them all home. My mom will not stay home with all three alone. She's not comfortable with it. So as we are getting ready, my mom comes down stairs and I smell it.. perfume. Now.. I am allergic to almost all perfumes out there and I am hyper sensitive to smells. I almost gagged. i was like.. why the fuck would you spray yourself with perfume when you are about to get in a fucking small space like a car with me and 3 babies????????? Someone please tell me why this is logical? I said something to her in a more diplomatic fashion and she FREAKED on me. She was so pissed that I was not ok with this.. omg. I told her to grow the fuck up and stay home. I left with the babies myself and road around. It was raining so I couldn't take them out of the car and do any errands. Such is the life with triplets.

Then there's my husband. Love him to death and he does help with the boys. But... I wish he would do more. And I know he knows he needs to do more to help me. He even commented on it last night. I take care of the babies. I take out the trash, I do all the dishes, laundry, folding, making formula, making bottles, picking up the dog shit, taking care of the dogs. Honestly.. I am starting to freak out about how the fuck i am going to manage my life when I go back to work in 5 weeks. And we think we need to get rid of our cleaning lady because that's money we need to allocate in a different spot now with our gigantic daycare bill. Never mind the fact that our new house is more than double the size of our current one. Only 3500 square feet for me to try to clean.

Last but not least on my mind today. Is my body. I went shopping yesterday to find an outfit to wear to the boys baptism and I left the store in tears. My body is a total fat mess. I've lost weight for sure but I don't think that even matters. My stomach is a mess of stretch marks and flab. I need plastic surgery for sure.

Don't get me wrong. I couldn't love those little monkey's more. But if anyone out there is wishing for twins or triplets, stop and think about the challenges it brings with it. Personal and financial. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. And this is AFTER the difficult pregnancy, 3 months of bed rest, and almost dying in the delivery. I was lucky enough to carry them to 33 weeks+ and that they are all healthy! And I've had my mom here helping me since they were born. I don't know how any mom of triplets does this alone. I really don't. At least up to a certain age.

I am feeling really overwhelmed right now. sigh...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Never a dull moment... and 5 months old!!!

And I guess that's ok. My life has been a series of controled choatic events for a long time now so I should be used to it right?

Let's see... here's what we have been up to...

First.. planning the babies baptism. Not a big deal right? HA!! We're having the baptism 500 miles from our house in my home town so we could do it in my home parish. I haven't really connected with a church here so I really feel that I want them baptized where I was baptized. And since my husband now considers himself and atheist (that's a whole other conversation that we just don't have), the religious aspect of the babies being is my responsibility. And I want them baptized no question. So.... I designed invitations, ordered them, addressed them, reserved the church, took a baptism class at my local church, arranged the three sets of godparents, reserved a hall for the lunch after, hotel rooms, rental van so we can travel up there since our freakin car won't cut it, shopped and bought their baptismal outfits, and I still have to get to the catering for the lunch yet! Thank god my sister is making the cake!!! Love you sis!

Next.. daycare arrangements. Let's just say that it was EXTREMELY difficult to find child care for three infants under $2000 a month. Extremely. I found someone willing to do it in her home. A husband wife team. We'll see how it goes. My real goal is to get a nanny to come to my house, but while they are this young, I really feel it is a two person job. But after the first of the year, I'll be nanny shopping!

Next.. house hunting. We are dying in our house and we've had it. And it's only going to get worse. We don't even have space for the third crib that really needs to be up now. If we can't move by May 1, we're going to have to somehow smush a pack n play into the nursery and just take it down in the morning so we can walk in there during the day. I seriously hope it doesn't come to this. On the plus side, we've put an offer in on a house about 15-20 minutes from our current one. It's not in the suburb I wish it was, but still a very nice area with great schools. We just can't get what we want in the suburb I wish for. Still to much money. And if we move a bit further, we can get the space we want and desperately need. This house is 2900 square feet with another 500 in the partially finished basement. And.. it's on .75 of an acre of land!!! It's absolutely perfect for our family. And best of all, is in immaculate condition. We don't have to do anything to it that we don't want to. We are so excited about this house and hope it works out and they take our offer soon!

And the babies? well... They were weighed today..
Nate: 14 pounds 13 ounces
Ben: 13 pounds even
Alex: 14 pounds 4 ounces

I am SO happy! They are thriving! They will be 5 months old on Friday. Where does the time go? We've started rice cereal twice a day. Once in their bottle and once spoon feed. I've also given them applesauce and today.. they all got sweet potatoes for the first time. Alex is loving every second of this food. Nate.. it's hit or miss. Ben.. same thing. hit or miss.

Other stuff..
- We had our first walk around the block in the triple stroller on Sunday as a family. We've taken the stroller out to the mall and such, but this was the first day I felt it was warm enough to be outside. We lapped 3 blocks and I thought I was going to die. Between the car seats, stroller, and weight of the babies.. I think I was pushing at least 50 pounds!! I was sweating bullets! LOL If I do that two or three times a week.. holy work out!

- The babbling has begun. Especially Nate. He never stops! Love it!
- They are all in size two diapers.
- They are all grasping and putting things to their mouths
- Rolling over is second nature now
- They are starting to notice each other now!

Ahhh.. I am sure I am forgetting something. So I'll save it for the next post! Oh. the pic is me and the boys on St. Patty's day in our greens! Their shirts say.. kiss me, I'm Irish!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The triplets have landed


Our 5 day transfer with the triplets was one year ago today. Wow.. I can't believe it was a year ago already! Where has the time gone? And for anyone who is facing IVF in the near future, this was the cycle I was POSITIVE was going to fail. To be more clear, it was post transfer that I thought I really screwed up. The day of the transfer, I went home, did the best rest thing. The next day, all hell broke lose in my family and I did anything but rest and stay stress free. It was awful. I was hysterical, upset, livid, you name it for the entire 2 week wait and not only did those little embryo's settle in.. one split! Maybe that's what I got for being such a basket case right? Who knows... in any case, it worked against popular odds!

In other news.. we have SO much going on in our house.

First of all, we having the babies baptised on April 19th. So, I've attended our baptism class, ordered invitations, invited the god parents, made hotel reservations, talked with caterers, cake makers, shopped for outfits.. good lord. This is going to quite the production. We're having it in my home town, which is 500 miles away. So we also need to rent a van as we don't have a big enough vehicle to get us, the boys and all their crap up there for 4 days. Crazy!

Next.. I've had to secure daycare. Not easy. Then throw in the fact that I asked my boss if I could go down to 3 or 4 days a week almost 2 months ago and have not heard back. Plus the fact I need three full time spots.. gee.. thanks buddy! Let me just wait on you and see if I can find 3 full time daycare openings in less than 4 weeks time. Right on. I really wanted them to go to daycare in my building, but to say it would cost a fortune is an understatement. It wouldn't even be worth me going back. So it looks like we are going with this in home daycare. It's a husband/wife team. They do alot of latch key and a couple toddlers. It's really not my ideal situation. Their house is small. Really small. But the price is right. So for now, while they are really little and don't need much space and cost a fortune, they will go there. They do seem like nice people, are licesened and all that. So we'll see how it goes. It takes my breath away that someone else will have my kids almost more than me.

Last but not least.. we're house hunting. We need a bigger house. We're dying in this house and it's only going to get worse. We're going to have to have some creative financing to get out of this house and bring some money to the table, but we think we can do it. We're going to try. But what a process. I am so nervous about this house. As I was walking in to a couple houses we were looking at yesterday, I was just nerve wracked. When we shopped for this house, it was sooo fun. I knew that this house was the starter house. This new house will be THE house. The 20 year house. It's so much pressure! This will be where our boys have their first steps, birthdays, proms, ugh!! It's a big deal!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

One year ago...oh.. and SO many things going on..

So this is one of those nostalgic posts to start with. Today is March 7th. One year ago March 5th was the day of our egg retrieval for the IVF that resulted in our triplets. It was seriously the most nerve wracked day of my life thus far. Seeing as how I didn't even want to do the IVF, I was still so afraid of the failure. But this time, it wasn't for my failure. I was afraid of letting my husband down and ruining his chances for a biological child. I was having a major guilt trip. All of our fertility issues are mine. He is just fine! Seeing as how I got pregnant the first month we ever tried.. there is some good swimmers in there! It was just my faulty fallopian tubes.

But he talked me into it and we did it. We tweaked my protocol a bit. Nothing major, but just tweaks here and there. It is so strange to go from a cycle that produces only a chemical pregnancy to triplets. What. the. hell. I am still baffled. Not only triplets, but 4 frozen embroy's also! The transfer took place on March 10th. I got my BFP on.. of all days... Easter Sunday. Truly the biggest blessing of my life. I really felt "watched over" if that makes any sense at all. Ahh well.. so easy for me to get nostalgic. Almost every time I look at the boys, I get weepy and think.. how did I get this lucky. Even when they are waking me up at 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am.. like last night, I am still the luckiest girl I know.

Anyhooo... the boys are up to so much lately. It's like they change or pick up a new skill over night now. All three have rolled. Alex is rolling around like a mad man. We can't keep him down! They are reaching for toys, putting them in their mouths, eating their fingers like crazy! They all started sitting in the bumbo seat this week to start practicing sitting up. I put the little tray on there so that they can also have toys in view. So far.. they love the linky doo things. Love them! I put them everywhere.

They must be growth spurting too. They have gone from 4.5 - 5 ounces a feed to 6-7 ounces every feed now. Good for them, but holy CRAP are we going through formula now. O. M. G. Especially Bens $25 a can liquid gold Nutramigen. But he is doing so well I am not taking him off of it now. Not for at least two more months and his diet is more food than formula. His health is worth the cost. At least we have the other two boys on the Sams Club equivalent of Gentlease. We have also had our first "solid" food! I have added rice cereal to their bottles a few times over the last week and tried spoon feeding it too. They do really well with it in their bottles. So we've also moved up to the medium flow nipples and I bought some fast flow too, just in case. Eating it off the spoon is another story. Nate doesn't seem to mind and took a few bites. Ben is ok with it, but not to excited about it. But he is familiar with the spoon feed because we feed him his prevacid with apple sauce and the spoon. Alex... does NOT like that spoon one stinkin bit. You should see the face! oh boy! I have to get some shots this week. I had Jeff put out their high chairs today, so they will be going in them hopefully tomorrow for the first time so Jeff can be here to see it! Can't wait! Such a huge step for our little men! We'll stick with the cereal for the next two weeks and then we'll move on when they hit 5 months! I do feel like it's early but honestly, they are so hungry all the time, it's like they can't get full. So... I gotta feed them!

As for their's hit or miss lately. Sometimes they will sleep through the night, others.. someone is up every freakin hour or half hour. Like last night. I got NO sleep. ugh. They were sleeping so so so good and they hit 4 months and BANG. Shot to shit. But.. they still sleep through the night about 2 times a week right now.

In other news, they will be starting daycare soon. UGHGGGGGG. I am SO upset about it. I can't believe my time off with them will be coming to a close soon. 6 more weeks. We seem to have found a provider. It's a husband wife team who do it in their house. They currently have no infants. A couple toddlers and some latch key kids os they will take all three of my boys and for a VERY reasonable price. They seem nice and I think they can do it. My only only hesitation is that I was not thrilled with their house. While clean, it's not the most updated place. It's small. But, my boys aren't mobile right now anyway is how I am looking at it. I would much rather they be in a big center, but ugh.. we can't afford to spend $2200 a month in daycare. And that is literally what the center in my building quoted me for all three. Seriously. Give me a break. $550 a week and they think they are giving me a break!

And I didn't know I was going to be one of "those" moms. I am so seriously heartbroken that I won't be the one caring for my babes all the time. I do need to go back to work both financially and mentally, but I am going to miss them so much it makes me twitch. I am crying just typing this. ugh. I am so nervous.

Anyway.. that's the update. There are 400 other things going on in our house right now.. but those are separate posts on their own. Suffice to say.. I am so busy I can't see straight right now.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Ben's big day!

It was a big day for our little peanut man! Ok.. so he will probably kill me for calling him that someday, but oh well! It's a term of endearment for sure!

Ben was our little man at birth. He only weighed 3 pounds 10 ounces to the other boys 5 pounds 5 ounces. He still hasn't caught up to them but he is going to soon, I know it. Because of his low birth weight, he doesn't have the head control yet of the other two boys. He's just a bit behind for now.
But, we work very hard on his tummy time to get him strong every day.

This afternoon, I had the boys on the Rain Forest play mat. I put Ben on his tummy and I am always rolling them around to try to get them to roll on their own. Alex and Nate have both rolled already and today, Ben rolled from his tummy to his back!! Of course, he did it in the 5 seconds I had stepped into the bathroom to warm up bottles. Next thing I know I hear my mom yell... He did it!!! He did it! Sure enough.. there he was on his back when I walked back in the room!!!

Then tonight, he decided to officially one up his big brothers! My mom was holding him as we were getting ready for the last feeding of the night and my mom was dangling a little toy rattle in front of him, and sure enough.. he started to reach and grab at it! Now.. I *think* I have seen the other two boys start to try this too, but never matter of fact actually grab. Ben... was AFTER that toy!! He was so owning it! My little big man!!

Love you Ben!

Friday, February 20, 2009

4 Months Old!!

Wow...the time does fly for sure!

The boys are up to sooo much!!

-First and foremost.. Nate rolled over from his back to his belly this week! That makes two of three who have rolled so far! yeah!
-They have now all found their thumb and have done time sucking on it. it's sooo cute!
-They won't stop eating and sucking their hands and fingers
-They are standing on their legs, especially alex
-They talk and babble nonstop. Nonstop! Ben has now earned the nickname of babbling Ben!

Other than that, things are going well this week with all occupants of the house. The loan dark spot is that boys sleeping has been kind of crappy this week. They still have been doing a good 4 hour stretch but wake up between 4-5 and it's been hard to get them back down unless we get them all up and give them a bottle. So I've been tired this week for sure. Alex also seems to maybe have a bit of a tummy bug. He's thrown up a couple times and his poop has been icky!

Nate's fistula has also been a sore spot this week. We went back to the surgeon today and the second spot is definitely another fistula. He had to lance and drain it. UGH. So gross. He still wants to put off surgery for at least another 4-6 weeks. The poor baby. He was not happy with that little procedure today.

Here is a pic from Valentines day last week with them all in their cute attire!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Almost Famous

So.. I've been making an effort to try to get out more. Sure, the weather still isn't the best and it's still technically RSV season. But my pediatrician said she's never had a patient get it twice in one year. And I really don't think me pushing the stroller around the mall is going to get them sick so... I loaded the babies, my mom, and the triple stroller into the car today and off we went to the mall!

Now, there is another motive pushing me out. Today my cleaning lady was here so I really wanted to get out of her way for a bit. So why not?

I didn't think about the fact that today was presidents day and schools were closed as were many business and the mall was actually very very busy. But oh well. Needless to say.. that triple stroller attracts a crowd!! Holy crap. I couldn't get 5 feet without someone running over to look. And several times, there was literally a crowd hovering to see the babies. Who, I may add, behaved like perfect angels! They didn't fuss once! They snoozed on and off and had their big blue eyes open for all to see. They even flashed some smiles when I prompted them with my crazy antics. They were just beyond cute.

And since they were being so good, this meant my mom and I actually shopped. For them of course! I picked up some cute stuff for them in Baby Gap and my mom.. bless her heart... bought them the most beautiful outfits at Janie & Jack. Which you all know is like mucho bucks for anything in there. I can't wait for them to wear those outfits this fall! Beautiful!

So today was a great day. I felt...normal. Well.. sort of normal pushing my triple stroller around with my 3 beautiful boys.

Someone pinch me please!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Window gate 2009

Ok seriously. Again.. who is lying to me? My mother or my husband.

It was warm in Detroit yesterday. Warm for February anyway. I know that sometimes I have a tendency to crack open the bathroom window to alleviate certain odors (use your imagination).
But yesterday was not one of those days. I was in the bathroom alot yesterday due to a visit from aunt flo that is not only vengeful, but more like an assault on my body. And it was a windy day.

My point to all of this is that I would have noticed if the window was open. And the last time I was in there was about 11:15 last night. Only my mother went in after me.

I was woke up at 3:50 by Alex fussing. I ran in and put his binky back in his mouth. And noticed immediately it was FRIGID cold all over the upstairs. I ran into the bathroom cause I could hear the wind. The window was WIDE FREAKIN OPEN LIKE IT WAS A 75 DEGREE DAY. It seriously had to be 50 degrees upstairs of my house.

So I ask my mother.. did you open the window? Nope. I ask my husband..did you open the window? Nope. In all fairness, my babysitter was here until 5 yesterday. But I seriously doubt she opened it and that I wouldn't have noticed in my 8 subsequent trips in there last night.

So who is lying? I think I know...

God.. I love this situation. Have I mentioned that?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Happy Birthday to me!


I had a pretty good birthday! It started out a bit shaky, but it recovered nicely.
My sister and niece came over for the night to help my mom babysit. Jeff and I went to the Melting Pot for dinner and then.... we got a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub and a bottle of champagne! It was so nice!! omg.. We just hung out, sat in the tub, we even rented a pay per view movie and watched it all the way through! However.. I didn't actually sleep very good which sucked. I think it was a combination of thinking about the boys and the movie we watched was the Changeling and all about a mother who loses her only son to a kidnapping and murder. ugh. Man.. we should have rented the 4 Christmas movie! Oh well.. it was sooooooo nice to be with Jeff and reconnect.

Well, the reason my day started shaky was because of yet another incident with my mother. Ugh. I honestly don't know how much longer she can stay with us. The thought of her leaving and having to deal with all three babies on my own Monday - Friday while Jeff is at work sends me into convulsions but is it worth it? I know I could do it but it is soooo much easier having a second set of hands. But then again.. the disruptions it's causing is almost starting to outweigh the help she gives.

For starters, my mom came from a hard situation when she moved in with us in October when the babies were born. She is disgruntled, miserable, negative, critical.. you name it. I am not saying that she doesn't have a right to feel the way she does, but it's carrying over to me. I don't do anything right. I don't feed the babies on time, I let them cry to much, the house is to small, it's to cold, I don't feed them enough, my husband is an ass (oh and this has ruined my mother and husbands relationship completely) I am on the computer to much.. shall I go on?? But when I get pissed and blow up with it all.. she cries, says she wants to die.. jesus christ. I already have three babies in this house and I seriously have a 4th with her.

The shit part of this is that she can't "just leave" and go home. She has no home to go back to. She was living with her boyfriend and she broke it off with him, put all her shit in storage and came to live with us. So if she does leave, she needs time to find a place. And then she doesn't know where that will be.. by us or back in my home town. I think she needs to just go home to our home town. She can't handle it here in the city. It's waaaaaayyyy to much for her. But then I think the thought of not seeing the boys more than 4 or 5 times a year is to much for her to bear too. But.. its to far for us to travel and to much of a hassel to even do 4 or 5 times now. And she's afraid to drive it alone..flying is to expensive (about $500 in and out of our tiny home town). I could go on and on. There are no good solutions. None.

I love my mom and don't want to see my relationship with her ruined, but I don't know how much longer I can go on. I really don't. I am getting beat up on both sides of this from my mother and my husband. I don't really think I ever got post partum depression, but I'll tell you, this situation is certainly my cross to bear.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


If I don't type this up now, I am going to forget. The boys have had several big things happening in the last couple weeks!

1. Alex rolled over! He was on his stomach and rolled to his back! I was like.. did he really just do that? Holy moly!! That happened on January 28th.

2. Nate and Ben slept through the night! This happened for the first time on Feb 1.. Super Bowl Sunday! One to remember my little men!!

3. They are coo'ing, giggling, and laughing like crazy!! It is the damn cutest thing I have ever seen or heard!

4. They have found their hands this week and are constantly putting them in their mouths. I think I may have a couple of thumb suckers on the way here.. LOL

5. They stand on their feet when we hold them up in our laps. Alex and Nate have amazing head/neck control. Especially Alex. Ben is doing good with his too, but is not quite as advanced as his bigger brothers

And.. drum roll please...

6. Nate, Ben, AND Alex all slept through the night on February 4th-5th!! I put them down at 10 after their 9 pm bottle. Alex fussed once at 5 am and I went in and put the pacifier back in his mouth and that was it until 7:30!! yeah little men.

I am sure it won't be happening every night but I'll take what I can get!!

Weights as of Thursday, January 29th were:
Nate: 12 pounds 7 ounces
Alex: 11 pounds 10 ounces
Ben: 10 pounds 11 ounces

Yeah for big growing boys! They have kicked up their amount of formula that they eat per feeding a bit too. They are all regularly eating at least 4 ounces per feeding and sometimes closer to five. At the feed before bed, they actually do 5-6 ounces and Alex did 7 the other night!

Can't wait to feed them when they are 16!! LOL

Monday, January 26, 2009

We are 3 months old!!

How did this happen? And.. aren't we cute???????

Saturday, January 24, 2009


I am breathing a bit better today. I've had a break. From my mom at least. She went to stay at my sisters on Thursday and isn't coming back until tomorrow (Sunday). We soooo needed a break.

Jeff has been off this week due to a mandatory 'time oJustify Fullff' iniative throughout his company. To try to save more lay offs. So he could take this week as paid vacation or take it unpaid. His choice. We choose for him to take it paid, since I am now officially unpaid in my leave. And who the hell knows what is going to happen with my job. My biggest client officially fired us this week so I literally will have nothing to do all summer and fall unless we get new business. Ha. Although, word is that some of our big automotive clients here in Detroit no longer have any internal staff so they may need us more. Good lord this town SUCKS. I am going to ask my boss about coming back part time. This would not only help me and my family but perhaps my cause to not lay me off at work if they only have to pay me like 75% of my salary for awhile.

So Jeff and I have been on our own with the babies for three days now and it's been great. We have handled all three boys really well. It doesn't hurt that for the last week and a half, they have been sleeping AWSOME. *knock on wood*. They have been going down at 11 and sleeping until about 4 am. Then we do bottles from 4-5. And from 5-8:30ish.. they sleep again! NICE. If only Jeff didn't have to go back to work. LOL

We brought them in to the Dr. on Thursday for their 3 month check up and shots.
They weighed:
Nate: 12 pounds!
Alex: 11 pounds 9 ounces!
Ben: 10 pounds 5 ounces!

How exciting! They are getting so big now! The smiles continue to roll and speaking of rolling.... Alex rolled from his stomach to his back yesterday!!!! They are also laughing out loud now and it is the cutest damn thing.

Things are going good and we continue to wait for the Spring!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I plead... Insanity..

In my life. No kidding.

The last 4 weeks have been a total blur. It started just before Christmas. There was a constant parade of relatives and friends visiting us. It was fun! But... then Jeff brought home an unwelcome guest: A cold.

The babies got it. Bad. To make a long story short cause I am sure most of you who read my blog know me from the boards and know from there and Facebook about the boys bought with RSV and pneumonia. So one 8 day stay in the hospital and ulcer and bronchitis later for me..we're home and getting back into normal life.

Well..sort of normal. We're officially shut ins and it's really taking a toll on me. The weather has been terrible. Besides the weekly farking blizzards, the temperatures here have been in the single digits. We can't take the boys anywhere in this crap. Especially after what they have just been through. I have been shut up in this house since July when I went on bed rest and it's messing with my mind.

Another big issues right now is my mother. She has been living with us since the babies were born and I think we're about to kill each other. She is so god damn negative about everything I can't take it. When the boys got sick.. it was "I just knew it. I just knew it". And every time they cough or sneeze now, she is quick to diagnos them with some other communicable disease. I got so pissed off last week when she was diagnosing Alex with strep throat (really.. he had cried so much his cry was hoars) that I blurted back..."maybe he has fucking cancer!!!" That said, if she left now, I don't know how I would care for the boys alone all day every day. I am sure there are triplet moms out there who have done it, but I seriously can't imagine. It would be so so so hard.

Then there is the constant reminder that she gives me that I need a bigger house. She constantly bitches about our house and it's one bathroom status. Believe me. I am the first person to cry about the fact we need a bigger house. BAD. When we bought this house, it was perfect for us. In the hippest suburb of Detroit, walking distance from tons of bars and restaurants, 10 minute drives to work for both of us. And it's a darling old house with about 1600 square feet and 3 bedrooms. But because it's old, there is one bathroom and a small kitchen. We thought it was the perfect starter house for us and like one kid. 5 years max.

Well.. we will hit 5 years in this house in September. And here we are with 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 mother in law and us. There is no room for the partridge in a pear tree anymore. Oh yeah.. and the worst economy in the country. Our beautiful house has depreciated in value about $30,000 or more since we bought it due to the state of the state here in Michigan and particularly in Detroit. I don't have to tell you how the Big 3 need bailing out by the government and this town is suffering because of it. If we sell this house in the near future, we'd have to some how finance a $30K loss or more. Oh.. and pay for closing... and a down payement on a new house... Honestly, we're considering walking away from it and fore-closing. It would be cheaper. And since the house is only in my name since we weren't married when I bought it, we would only screw my credit. How sad is it that we are seriously considering this option because we are so desperate. If I lose my job, that's probably going to happen. And that looks like a major possiblity now also.

It's hard to wrap my head around everything going on. While I am so thankful and greatful to be a mother, there are a whole new set of worries. My job, the house, paying for Ben's $25 a can formula. How will I care for them when my mom is gone? If only it were warmer and I could just take the boys out for a walk every day. Maybe my head would be a little more clear.