Nerve wracked.

I hate this. I want it to be over. There is so much riding on tomorrow that I can't stand it. Tomorrow is as big a day as my wedding day. Which up until now, was the most important day of my life. Tomorrow is going to run right with the wedding day.

I hope and pray that we go in and all three of our little embryo's are still there waiting for their mother and father to bring them home.

I hope and pray that they are healthy and ready to be found by us. Amy said to me once that she knew there was a little soul out there for me somewhere and it was just a matter of finding it. That with the ectopics.. those were not the souls that were meant to come and live with us. It was still out there. I hop and pray at least one of these embryo's is that soul and wants to come home with us.

I feel like I should have prayed more this weekend. But I didn't. I am sort of numb. I am sort of on auto pilot. I just don't know what to do. But what I have been doing is trying not to think about it. I don't know why. I know that Jeff and I have done all we can do to make this IVF successful and there is nothing more we can do. I guess I truly feel like it's out of our hands at this point. If it is His wish that we have a baby now, then it will be. If not.. then we go back to the drawing board. At this point, I just want a chance. I just want at least one of those embabies to be there waiting for us tomorrow morning....

I put the Christmas tree up today. I debated about whether or not I wanted to do one this year. I haven't found my holiday cheer yet. I know why even though it's probably silly. If this IVF does not work, I know I will have little joy to carry me through the holidays. I keep going back to the nightmare I started living one year ago December 7th, they day I found out I was miscarrying my first pregnancy. The nightmare that insued from that... well. I will never be the same person again. And unfortunately, that nightmare has ruled, dominated, and over run our lives for the entire year. So December 7th will be a day of mourning for me. It's when the infertility battle officially began.

Jeff and I deserve a reason to be merry and bright this year.