Lost

I don't know where I am. I don't know where to go. I don't know how I got here. I don't know how to get out of here. I am depressed. Big time. I am sad. I am not suicidal, but I seriously think I am about only a notch or two above it.

There is the part of me that says.. "you might as well throw in the towel now, everything you do and touch turns to shit" In the last 12 months:
1. I got pregnant and had my fallopian tube burst
2. I had lasik eye surgery and got blinded in one eye for a month. Had to have a second surgery to repair it.
3. I got completely screwed, humiliated, fucked over, embarrassed when I did not receive the promotion at work in March that I was told over and over again that I was getting. And no one could tell me why. The fuck face who runs our practice simply told me "too bad, it happens". Yeah? the same could be said about terrorist attacks. Thanks for the insightful solution ass clown.
4. I suffered through 4 months of unsuccessful fertility treatments, testing, and battles with my insurance company only to...
5. Have my 2nd IUI turn into ectopic pregnancy #2, 2nd lost baby, 2 surgeries, 2nd lost fallopian tube and 3 more weeks of STD vacation. Which led me too...
6. IVF being the only way I will ever have a child and even that has failed me now.

Overall this year cannot end fast enough.

But, there is a small part of me saying.. Jen, it can't be like this forever. There has to be something wonderful out there for you and Jeff. It has to be just around the corner. We are both good people. Good things happen to good people, right? Sometime? Someday? I am really at the end of my rope. I can't see straight. I can't think straight. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I can't look at my husband with out complete agony. Will I ever be the person he fell in love with again? Is he better off with out me? Can't God see what wonderful parents we would be and send a child to us? And if it isn't meant to be that the child is of our DNA, please send us a sign to move on from these fertility treatments and end this pain and anxiety. My body has been nothing but a fucking science project. I am starting to wonder if Jeff wouldn't be better off with someone else. Someone younger who can give him a child. Someone who isn't broken.

Someone who isn't me.