It's Over

Well, I am now typing the entry to my blog that I really hoped to never have to type. My IVF failed. Part of me is in total shock and the other part of me is like.. of course it failed! This is me we are talking about and nothing good can ever fucking happen to me anymore.

It's frustrating on so many levels because it really should not have failed. I made it to a 5 day blast transfer. Two perfect blasts were put into me. You don't get any better than this. We were SO hopeful. There was NO reason that it shouldn't have worked. And yet, here I am again. It didn't work.

I cannot believe that this is my life. That this is what my life has become. A series of unfortunate events. This year has sucked ass so bad there are literally no words. My life has become so fucking tragic that none of my friends even knows what to say to me anymore. Honestly. Can't ONE FUCKING THING EVER WORK OUT FOR ME? ONE??? JUST ONE???

At least after losing two babies, both my fallopian tubes, 3 terrible surgeries and 7 weeks of disability later... I could at least say.. 'well, thank god I can do IVF". Now what the fuck do I say? I feel like I am standing with my neck on a log and someone just chopped my head off and there's nothing left. As of today, I better move into the acceptance phase of the program: That I might never have a biological child. Obviously I can't count on IVF to give me one. And since that is my only option. I better start getting used to the fact that this isn't going to get me where I want to be. To reach my goal of having a child. A family of my own. I have to face the fact that this might not happen. Ever.

This to me will be a tragedy. Like when I lost my father. Like when I will lose my mother. This is a death to me. A huge one. I am/will be mourning the loss of the family I never had. The children I will never hear their first cry, see them take their first steps, smile for the first time. Get on the bus to school for the first time. The cookies that will never be left for Santa at my house. The toys I will never shop for. The nursery that will never be in my house. The SUV that I bought so it would be big enough for car seats. The puppies that will never get to kiss our babies faces. The family trips to Disney World that I'll never go on. The stockings that will never get hung by our fire place. The HUGE EMPTY FUCKING HOLE IN MY HEART.

Oh yeah.. and the look I will never get to see on my husbands face. My dear sweet, loving, amazing husband. My husband who has had to nurse me through surgery after surgery, loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. If I don't deserve to be happy or deserve to be a mother, then how does he factor into all of this? He is the most loving, genuine, loyal person I have ever met in my life. He is a good husband, son, brother, friend, coworker, and doggy daddy. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to be a father. He deserves a wife who isn't broken and broke down.

I don't know where I go from here. I don't know what to do from here. So for today, for this week, for this month, for the last year....the pieces that my heart was already in got broken further and it's all I can do to keep breathing.