The day that started it all

Today is the one year anniversary of the day that really started this mess. One year ago today, I was awaken at 1:00 am in the morning to "the" most unbearable pain one can ever imagine. It was the same pain I had experience 4 other times in the two weeks prior to that morning. Only this time, it was worse. Much worse. I paged my doctor and she said to try to hold on until 7:30 to meet her at her office. We would do the 3d ultra sound, but she suspected that my tube may be about to rupture. We were all just so surprised as I had just spent the last 3 days bleeding like crazy and sick from getting the methotrexate shots.

Sure enough, the 3d ultrasound showed it loud and clear. My tube was bursting and I was bleeding. The ultrasound tech just gasped. Within minutes, Jeff and I were pushed out the door and told to go directly to the hospital to get admitted. My tube was coming out NOW. Within a couple of hours, I was on the operating table. Done. No more left tube.

The surgery went fine, however I also had pnemonia and my lungs were soooo bad. My cough was just painful to hear. They sent me home with tons of vicodin for the surgical pain and tons of codein to supress my cough. I was told to roll into a ball if I had to cough immediately.

Things were going fine, but 5 days later, Christmas Eve, I ended up back in the hospital as I finally had done it: my coughing from the pnemonia had gotten so bad that I coughed one of my internal stitches into a nerve. I am not really sure which pain was worse? After they got me stablized and calmed down, I was able to go home and told in increase my vicodin. I seriously don't remember a whole lot about Christmas last year. I slept most of the day.

We were so sure this year would be different for us. And it is. It's worse. But for today, there was one bright moment. Jeff had his yearly review today and was the recipient of a 5 digit $$ raise. It is so NOT the money that makes me happy, but it means that if we get to where we have to pay out of pocket for IVF or an adoption this year. The money is there. I feel like it's some sort of a sign. That even if IF is breaking me physically and mentally.. it just might not break me financially. And for today.. that's something.

Lost

I don't know where I am. I don't know where to go. I don't know how I got here. I don't know how to get out of here. I am depressed. Big time. I am sad. I am not suicidal, but I seriously think I am about only a notch or two above it.

There is the part of me that says.. "you might as well throw in the towel now, everything you do and touch turns to shit" In the last 12 months:
1. I got pregnant and had my fallopian tube burst
2. I had lasik eye surgery and got blinded in one eye for a month. Had to have a second surgery to repair it.
3. I got completely screwed, humiliated, fucked over, embarrassed when I did not receive the promotion at work in March that I was told over and over again that I was getting. And no one could tell me why. The fuck face who runs our practice simply told me "too bad, it happens". Yeah? the same could be said about terrorist attacks. Thanks for the insightful solution ass clown.
4. I suffered through 4 months of unsuccessful fertility treatments, testing, and battles with my insurance company only to...
5. Have my 2nd IUI turn into ectopic pregnancy #2, 2nd lost baby, 2 surgeries, 2nd lost fallopian tube and 3 more weeks of STD vacation. Which led me too...
6. IVF being the only way I will ever have a child and even that has failed me now.

Overall this year cannot end fast enough.

But, there is a small part of me saying.. Jen, it can't be like this forever. There has to be something wonderful out there for you and Jeff. It has to be just around the corner. We are both good people. Good things happen to good people, right? Sometime? Someday? I am really at the end of my rope. I can't see straight. I can't think straight. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I can't look at my husband with out complete agony. Will I ever be the person he fell in love with again? Is he better off with out me? Can't God see what wonderful parents we would be and send a child to us? And if it isn't meant to be that the child is of our DNA, please send us a sign to move on from these fertility treatments and end this pain and anxiety. My body has been nothing but a fucking science project. I am starting to wonder if Jeff wouldn't be better off with someone else. Someone younger who can give him a child. Someone who isn't broken.

Someone who isn't me.

It's Over

Well, I am now typing the entry to my blog that I really hoped to never have to type. My IVF failed. Part of me is in total shock and the other part of me is like.. of course it failed! This is me we are talking about and nothing good can ever fucking happen to me anymore.

It's frustrating on so many levels because it really should not have failed. I made it to a 5 day blast transfer. Two perfect blasts were put into me. You don't get any better than this. We were SO hopeful. There was NO reason that it shouldn't have worked. And yet, here I am again. It didn't work.

I cannot believe that this is my life. That this is what my life has become. A series of unfortunate events. This year has sucked ass so bad there are literally no words. My life has become so fucking tragic that none of my friends even knows what to say to me anymore. Honestly. Can't ONE FUCKING THING EVER WORK OUT FOR ME? ONE??? JUST ONE???

At least after losing two babies, both my fallopian tubes, 3 terrible surgeries and 7 weeks of disability later... I could at least say.. 'well, thank god I can do IVF". Now what the fuck do I say? I feel like I am standing with my neck on a log and someone just chopped my head off and there's nothing left. As of today, I better move into the acceptance phase of the program: That I might never have a biological child. Obviously I can't count on IVF to give me one. And since that is my only option. I better start getting used to the fact that this isn't going to get me where I want to be. To reach my goal of having a child. A family of my own. I have to face the fact that this might not happen. Ever.

This to me will be a tragedy. Like when I lost my father. Like when I will lose my mother. This is a death to me. A huge one. I am/will be mourning the loss of the family I never had. The children I will never hear their first cry, see them take their first steps, smile for the first time. Get on the bus to school for the first time. The cookies that will never be left for Santa at my house. The toys I will never shop for. The nursery that will never be in my house. The SUV that I bought so it would be big enough for car seats. The puppies that will never get to kiss our babies faces. The family trips to Disney World that I'll never go on. The stockings that will never get hung by our fire place. The HUGE EMPTY FUCKING HOLE IN MY HEART.

Oh yeah.. and the look I will never get to see on my husbands face. My dear sweet, loving, amazing husband. My husband who has had to nurse me through surgery after surgery, loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. If I don't deserve to be happy or deserve to be a mother, then how does he factor into all of this? He is the most loving, genuine, loyal person I have ever met in my life. He is a good husband, son, brother, friend, coworker, and doggy daddy. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to be a father. He deserves a wife who isn't broken and broke down.

I don't know where I go from here. I don't know what to do from here. So for today, for this week, for this month, for the last year....the pieces that my heart was already in got broken further and it's all I can do to keep breathing.

9dp5dt

I honestly can't believe I have not taken a pregnancy test. I am amazed at how I feel. TERRIFIED. I just can't bring myself to do it. It's nuts really. I am terrified but the other thing is that stupid trigger could still be in me. I would think by today or tomorrow it will definitely be out. I always tested it out at 7dpo and it was always gone. So... I still can't do it. I refuse to believe that it would be negative.

I was cramping off and on all day again with a few jabbing pains here and there. I can't believe the amount of cramping I have had. If I am not pregnant, this is one hell of a progesterone lesson that I have learned. It's been crazy.

I have to be honest. I am freaking out a bit about tomorrow. I have to go in for blood work in the morning. I don't know what to expect. Will they call me or won't they? And is a call a good thing or a bad thing? If I had to guess, I would say that I do NOT want them to call me. That would mean my blood work is all in a 'normal' range. Whatever the fuck normal means. I have no idea. But I just have to go with the old saying: no news is good news. I have this gut feeling that they are going to run a beta on me tomorrow and not tell me. I think they may have done this on Monday as well.

One thing I do know for sure.. from about 1-5 tomorrow afternoon, I will be hyperventilating.

8dp5dt

Well, I could totally get a pregnancy test to work now. I know I could. Problem is. I can't. I am to terrified to try. What if it's negative? I am not ready for that yet. I still have hope and I am not ready to let go of it yet.

But.. today. I feel disgusting. I am so bloated, crampy, constipated. Every 5 seconds, there is something leaking out of my coochie. These dang progesterone supplements are the devil. I am tired, nauseous, and the cramping. Did I mention the cramping? I feel like any second.. my period will be here. This is the most nasty case of PMS I have ever had.

But I still have hope. I am still pregnant.

7dp5dt

I did not test today. I am so proud of myself. When I woke up, I really thought about testing. But I didn't. I just didn't have the courage to ruin my week before 7 am on Monday.

I got up, got dressed and showered and drove myself to the clinic for bloodwork part 2. Then, at noon the sweating, hyperventilating, nervous breakdown began. Waiting for them to call me and give me instructions. They only had me take half of the Pregnyl shot on Thursday and they said there was a chance that I would have to take the rest of it Monday - Today.
1:00.. came and went

2:00 came and went

3:00 came and went

4:00 came and went

5:00 came and went

The call never came. I am looking at this as a good... even GREAT sign that everything is where it should be. I do wonder if they secretly ran a beta on my blood just to see. A girl on the Nest said her doctor did this and they didn't tell her until after the planned beta test. My thought is they either did not run a beta or they did run the beta and I am pregnant. I say this because I would like to believe that, if they ran a beta and it was negative, they wouldn't let me go on for at least another 3 days of sticking things up my coochie 5 times a day and shooting myself in the ass with those dagger PIO shots if the beta was negative. I've never seen another girl on the Nest have to do 4 days worth of bloodwork post IVF.

So the call never came.. and neither has my period or any spotting (praise God, knocking on wood)! I was however.. cramped up the entire day off and on again and at times, had more jabbing little pains. Different than the others. Seems like my body can find a new jab or pain for me to analyze every 5 minutes.

For today. I am still pregnant. Please God.. let me stay this way.

6dp5dt

So, we're getting into that potentially 'pink' area. And I do mean pink area. Today was probably the first day I could have got a postive.. faint.. but positive pregnancy test. However, due to that trigger shot, I didn't test. Nothing good could have come from it:

a) It could have been negative, in which case it would have just ruined my day. Even though it is early, it would have just ruined me and took away most of my hope.

b) It could have been positive, in which case I wouldn't know if it was me or the fucking Pregnyl shot entirely turning the test positive. And the last thing I need is a positive test only to find out it was a fake. No thanks.

I did not test. And I won't tomorrow either. I go in for more bloodwork tomorrow morning and I am really anxious to hear how this is going to go. If they will make me take another booster shot or leave me be. Humm....

As for symptoms, I HAD to go to bed last night and I slept like a freaking log. In a total coma again last night. And the cramping? Oh my god.. so much cramping it's crazy. The only time I really got a let up from it is if I am laying flat on my back in bed. Man. If this is the progesterone talking via the cramps. I am gonna be pissed.

I know I am pregnant. I just feel it. Please God let it be so...

5dp5dt

So I conducted a little experiment on Thursday night when I had to take my hcg booster. I took a pregnancy test and of course, it was negative. I know it was early, but it sorta did something to me psychologically. It upset me. I was stark white negative, which is what I expected because 1. it was to early and 2. I wanted to see if the other trigger shot was out of me and it was.

I had Jeff give me the shot and it hurt like a bitch again. And I started sobbing. I just can't believe i had to take another one of these daggers in my ass and it's potentially for nothing. It's very defeating and wrenching. But, it's done. Whatever.

Yesterday, I didn't really have any 'symptoms' at 4dp5dt. Just a little dizziness and hunger. A couple more of the sharp little pains here an there. I ate some heavenly chicken for dinner and then about 3 hours later I was so freakin hungry again it made me light headed.

When I got home last night, I took another pregnancy test and sure enough.. positive. It had been like exactly 20 hours since the hcg shot. It was faint.. but still positive.

Today.. I am feeling a lot of things.
dizziness
queezy
non stop hunger
constipation
major aunt flo type cramping
tired

Of course all of these things are total pregnancy symptoms.. cause I AM pregnant of course. Or all of these things can of course be chalked to the fact that I am technically pregnant from the hcg shot and I have 400 pounds of progesterone in me right now. Ahhh... gotta love IVF.

Snowbaby!!!

I can't believe it! We have a snowbaby! Turns out that, when the nurse called me with the fertilization report last Thursday, the she said we only had three fertilize. Nothing else. Saturday when we went in for the 3 day transfer, Dr. A said that we had the three 8 cell embryo's and two others still going for a total of 5! 5 out of 7 ain't that bad and definitely wouldn't have sent me in to the panic stricken state that I went into. ugh.

In other news, I have to take another HCG trigger shot tonight. They tell me it is to make sure my body is a hospitable environment for a baby and my body keeps thinking it is pregnant. Ok great. I will do whatever I have to do. But having to take another shot in my already sore ass is just sending me in to sadness. My butt is so sore there just are no words.

She also said my progesterone is 24 today. That's pretty good! Hopefully as the twins implant, it keeps going up and up!

I am 3dp5dt and still no symptoms. I am not even cramped.

So, I am 2dp5dt...

Let the analysis of the symptoms begin! In TTC land, 2dp5dt is the equivilent of 7dpo.

Ever since the retrieval, I have been really crampy and boobs have been way sore. Of course I started the PIO shots AND 400 progesterone and estrace suppositories daily! So, all of the 'symptoms' can be attributed to all that pretty much.

But I do want to record a bit of what I am feeling:

1dpt5dt: I did feel a couple of sharp stabbing little pains around the uterus. Like someone jabbed me real quick with a needle.

2dp5dt: I felt absolutely nothing. I felt to good. And absolutely nothing. Until about 2 this afternoon. Now, I am crampy big time. My boobs are sore to the touch, but that's about it. Oh yeah.. these freakin suppositories are leaking out of me like crazy. YUKK!

My Babies..

Bailey and Kali are my babies. My only babies right now. They are two mutts. Two mutts who have brought me so much happiness in this year full of crappiness.

Bailey is part Pitbull and part Lhasa Apso. And her mother was the Pit Bull if that ain't a crazy hook up to picture. She's a whopping 40 pounds. The perfect medium size dog. She, along with her mother and siblings were surrendered to a foster care/rescue group when she was born. Whoever owned the mother didn't even want her either. One night in late January of 2007 while I was still recovering from ectopic #1, I was surfing Petfinder.com. I saw her picture. It was freakin adorable. The picture showed this scruffy 2 month old puppy. I clicked on it, enlarged it and showed it to Jeff. His response? "That's our dog". I totally knew it too. It just was. We loved her 'story'. We loved her look. I emailed the rescue then and there and asked if she was available. She was. We went and met her two weeks later and gave them a check on the spot.

This dog is special. Everyone who meets her thinks so. She is what I would call an 'old soul'. She never really had all that much 'puppy' in her. She isn't crazy, she doesn't chew. Rather she looks at you with soulful eyes as if to say "I understand". She is my dog. She follows me everywhere. She layed by my side everyday as I lay in bed recovering from my two surgeries.

Kali is the 'puppy dog' for sure. We got her two weeks into my recovery from ectopic #2. Because Bailey is so passive and demure, we had been discussing getting her a playmate. We thought she would benefit someone else around with a little bit more energy than her parents!
The Detroit Zoo had a weekend event called "Meet your best friend at the Zoo" where shelters and rescues from around the metro area were coming together for a huge pet parade and adoption event. The Zoo is 5 minutes from our house. So we went. Kali was the third dog we really looked at and the second we really seriously considered. She was sitting in her cage completely silent in a sea full of barking dogs and meowing cats. She is a mystery mutt. They said she was a terrier mix, but I don't really agree. She looks like a mini chocolate lab! It was obvious that she was very malnurished. Her ribs and hip bones were ghastly visable. We asked the caretaker next to her what her story was and he said that they were from Detroit annimal control and they picked her up as a stray on the streets in downtown Detroit a couple weeks ago and here she was. not only was she malnurished. She was sick. Terribley sick with kennel cough. It was awful to watch this poor little 17 pound doggy girl wretch like that. We had to save her. So we took her immediately.

Last night after my egg retrieval, Kali came into the bedroom with a sceen of baby blue yarn in her mouth and dropped it on the floor. . The yarn was from when I crocheted a baby blanket for Cheri's son, Andrew when he was born. She wrapped him in it when he was baptized. Maybe Kali knows something I don't? Kali makes us laugh constantly. We have so enjoyed nursing her back to health and I am thrilled to say she is now 23 pounds and looking perfect!

It dawned on me tonight: if it weren't for both of my ectopics, we would not have either of these two little souls in our lives. That chokes me up.

I have always been a huge dog person. Jeff had a dog once and it got hit by a car. He and I both couldn't wait to have a dog someday. But we had decided. Baby first, dog second. We wanted them to grow up together. When the baby thing didn't work out the first time, we got Bailey. When it didn't work out the second time, we decided it was time for Kali.

They have been our sunshine through the rain. I love my dogs. They will always be my first babies.

The embabies have come home.. for keeps!

Yesterday.. was THE day. We got to the Dr. office and right away the nurse ushered us in and started getting us ready for transfer. She was telling me to strip down! I asked the nurse.. so does this mean I officially have embryo's left to transfer? The nurse says.. well, I guess so cause I haven't heard otherwise!

Ok.. that was a good sign that no one told her to call and tell me not to show up! right?!?!?!

A little while later, Dr. A popped in and said that of the three that were so good on Saturday, two were not perfect little blastocysts!! Yippeee!!! The other was getting a bit sketchy, but one of other two they had been just watching looked like it might become a blast too and be ready to freeze! We were ecstatic. It was exactly what we wanted.

We transfered in the two blasts and the transfer went perfectly. AMEN. Thank you GOD! My prayer was answered!

I finally feel like I have H O P E. Something I have not had in soooo long. Probably since May. Its a nice nice feeling. I am so greatful. We are so greatful. We just hope at least one of these little embabies snuggles in for a nice long 9 months!

WE LOVE YOU EMBABIES!!

Nerve wracked.

I hate this. I want it to be over. There is so much riding on tomorrow that I can't stand it. Tomorrow is as big a day as my wedding day. Which up until now, was the most important day of my life. Tomorrow is going to run right with the wedding day.

I hope and pray that we go in and all three of our little embryo's are still there waiting for their mother and father to bring them home.

I hope and pray that they are healthy and ready to be found by us. Amy said to me once that she knew there was a little soul out there for me somewhere and it was just a matter of finding it. That with the ectopics.. those were not the souls that were meant to come and live with us. It was still out there. I hop and pray at least one of these embryo's is that soul and wants to come home with us.

I feel like I should have prayed more this weekend. But I didn't. I am sort of numb. I am sort of on auto pilot. I just don't know what to do. But what I have been doing is trying not to think about it. I don't know why. I know that Jeff and I have done all we can do to make this IVF successful and there is nothing more we can do. I guess I truly feel like it's out of our hands at this point. If it is His wish that we have a baby now, then it will be. If not.. then we go back to the drawing board. At this point, I just want a chance. I just want at least one of those embabies to be there waiting for us tomorrow morning....

I put the Christmas tree up today. I debated about whether or not I wanted to do one this year. I haven't found my holiday cheer yet. I know why even though it's probably silly. If this IVF does not work, I know I will have little joy to carry me through the holidays. I keep going back to the nightmare I started living one year ago December 7th, they day I found out I was miscarrying my first pregnancy. The nightmare that insued from that... well. I will never be the same person again. And unfortunately, that nightmare has ruled, dominated, and over run our lives for the entire year. So December 7th will be a day of mourning for me. It's when the infertility battle officially began.

Jeff and I deserve a reason to be merry and bright this year.

Finally.... a break

Jeff and I went to Dr. A's office this morning for 10 for my 3 day transfer. We got the best news possible: All 3 of those little embabies of ours are perfect 8 cell babies and the Dr. and embryologist recommended that we push the transfer to a 5 day on Monday. I am beyond happy. I just wanted to lay down and sob. This TTC journey has been wracked with one piece of terrible news after another and this IVF hasn't gone so smoothly either. To be given this news when it really counts... I am humbled.. speechless.. greatful.. ecstatic.

That said, we are not out of the woods yet. Now we just need at least one of them to make it to Monday to come home to momma and poppa. GROW EMBABIES GROW!!!!!!!!!!!