Some ok news.. then some not-so-ok news..

As so the punches roll on.. I really really can't catch a break. Not in this TTC game I am in.

I had my egg retrieval for IVF yesterday morning. It was very smoothly and they were able to get 8 eggs out of me. Not the 10+ I had hoped for and SHOULD have gotten for sure. But that is a good amount. So I was feeling hopeful. For about 5 minutes.

Then this morning the call came. 7 were mature and only 3.. yep 3.. fertilized. I am so upset. How could this have happened? How did we get 3? I have been pregnant twice in less than 9 months. The first time is au natural and on the 2nd month we ever even freakin tried!! I have been a good responder to the meds before this. My FSH has been a 9.2 at the highest and this cycle was a freakin 6.1!! My E2 level was 2213 when they triggered me so I thought for sure we would get a good 10 eggs out of this! And Jeff has absolutely no issues at all and even with ICSI we get three???????

What the fuck is going on?

This just doesn't make any sense at all. I knew I would never be 'super responder' or wonder-egg women.. but I thought we'd at least have mediocure response and fertilization! Not poor!

Somehow.. someway, at least one of those three little embabies growing in a petrie dish 20 miles north of this house right now has to be our baby. It just has to be.

IVF has been triggered!

So the biggest needle ever was just in my butt. It hurt like a bitch and I took that shoot like a little bitch. I seriously had my self totally worked up and crying. How many shots have I done throughout this process? 100? Probably! But the stim shot needles are so tiny you don't even feel them. Not this sucker! For the Pregnyl, it was HUGE. ugh. Same as these damn PIO (progesterone in oil) shots that I have to do once the transfer happens.

SO.. on that note... I had a good ultrasound this morning and I had 8 follies that were over 15 and a couple that were close. So, hopefully, we can get 8-10 eggs out of me. My retrieval is scheduled for Wednesday at 9. Oh my god.. can you say BIG DAY???????

Also, tomorrow is mine and Jeff's two year anniversary! Happy day to us! I love him more now than I ever thought possible. He's the best husband ever! We are going out to dinner at the new MGM Grand Casino. Wolfgang Puck has a new restaurant there so we are going to go check it out! Can't wait!

Getting sick. Physically, not just mentally this time

Ugh.. I am getting sick! As the day has gone by, my throat has progressively gotten sorer and sorer until at present, I can barely swallow! UHGGGG. I Can't believe this. Just what I need. Seriously.

That and my ovaries are out of control sore. I don't know how else to describe it but to say they are sore. I am very bloated but the ovaries are just aching. I hope this is a good thing and means that I know have lots of big eggs sitting out there just waiting to be cherry picked out by the egg retrieval. The aching started yesterday afternoon after I got done with acupunture. So I am wonder if that really helped do the trick and get the blood really flowing to my ovaries and encourage the eggies to grow grow grow!

On that note, tomorrow is the big day. Will she trigger or will she not? THAT is the question. I am thinking positive due to the soreness of my ovaries. BUT.. will they still put me under anesthesia if I am sick with a frickin cold?Christ. I So don't need this right now. I am freaking out again.

Very.Bad.Day

So yesterday morning, I had my IVF stim check #3. And it was pretty much my nightmare. Almost all but like 5 of the 19 eggs that they counted on Wednesday had stopped growing. The nurse said we would be lucky to get between 5-8 eggs on retrieval. I totally lost it.

My worst fears are coming true. I can't believe I can go from 19 to maybe getting 5 out of this? Can I...

NEVER CATCH A FUCKING BREAK IN THIS SHIT?

We were going down to see George's show, "Walking with Dinosaurs" and I knew they wouldn't call me before I had to go be in front of Jeff's family so I called them at 1:50 so if they were going to cancel my cycle, I could find out about it in private and decide if I was still going to go or not. They are not canceling me. In fact, they didn't even think they should increase my meds at this point which shocked the shit out of me? Don't we want to try to get a few of these bitches that are at 11's and 12's to pump it up and mature? Nope. They think I need a few more days. I just cook more slowly than some. So I don't go back till Monday and they will trigger whatever is there at that point.

And the nurse was totally rude to me. She goes.."I know you were upset today, like you are every time you come in here". I was like.. excuse me? This is my life we're talking about and you're fuckin A right I am upset you stupid bitch. That is what went through my head but I didn't say anything back to her. But I am going to find out who it was I talked to when I go back on Monday.

THEN..the goddamn pharmacist was a rude ass to me too! I could not win for losin yesterday. With anything. When they increased my Bravelle, I had to go get more, but I didn't want to refill the Menopur unless I absolutely had to. It's another $80! So when I found out I have to take shots till Monday, that meant I needed to refill Menopur now. When I picked up the Bravelle, they had bagged the Menopur too and I told them no.. just the Bravelle right now. Well, they put it in their computer as "filled" and then they couldn't find the non-picked up boxes and since the jack ass that was working yesterday was not the one I worked with before, he was telling me that I couldn't have it. Well... all he had to do was call other pharmacist to verify and find out where it was.. this was a pain to him evidently. Disregard the fact I was about to flip out on him. He was such an ass. But he finally did it after I did flip on him. Fucker.

So.. that's that. I may be cancelled. I may not. But it is a possibility hanging out there in front of me now. And I think what this did was finally convince me to realize: I may never have a biological child. It's a reality I need to start considering. No matter how painful and no matter that Jeff thinks I am crazy for saying and thinking it. It is a possibility. One that even after losing two babies and both my fallopian tubes that I had not really believed. After yesterday. I do believe that it is a possibility now. A heartbreaking, life altering possibility.

So today, I am going to do things for me. Go to acupuncture. Go get a pedicure and eye brow wax. Walk my dogs. Things for me.

IVF Stim update #2

Had my second ultra sound and blood work check this morning. I still have 19 follies growing. I have a lead follie at 16 and then the rest are all between 7-12 mm big. I have 11 on the left ovary and 8 on the right. I was really hoping that they would all be between like 11-16 by now but as my history would say.. this is pretty much how mine grow: slow and steady. The nurse will call me later today to see about increasing my dose of meds again after she talks to Dr. A. But she says I look great and will trigger by Friday or Saturday night!

GROW FOLLIES GROW!!!!!!

IVF Stim Update #1

I am a day late. I went to Dr. A's yesterday morning for my first ultrasound and blood work since I got started on my ovarian stimulation drugs. I have been on 150 units of Menopur and 150 units of Bravelle for 6 nights prior to the check.

I had the following:
On the left ovary:
1 at 11mm
4 at 8
1 at 7 and
6 >7

On the right side:
1 at 8 mm
2 at 7
and 8 >7

So 23 potential follies. I wish that there were more that were measurable or over 7. I am nervous. The nurse said that everything was looking really good for being early after only 6 nights of stims. Of course I was so nervous I was almost ready to puke going in to this appointment and when I go in on Wednesday, I will probably be worse now.

Nurse Wendy called me around 2 that afternoon. They decided to increase my meds from the 150 of Menopur and 150 of Bravelle up to 225 of Bravelle. Just up'ed it by one vial. Which I guess isn't really that much, but it still scares me. Please let my follies keep growing. There is so much riding on this.

Speaking of that, one of the girls on the TTTC board experienced my 2nd worst fear today. My first fear is getting no eggs out of me. My second is that they are all bad quality and none make it to transfer. This is what happened to the girl on the board. In her 3rd IVF. I cannot imagine the heartache they must be experiencing tonight. It is gut wrenching and my thoughts are with her and her dh.

So.. until tomorrow morning. I will take my shot, relax, and pray for my appointment tomorrow. ugh.

Space Cadet

I am a total space cadet. Last night I was mixing my shots and I guess I put the needle on wrong cause as I pulled the trigger to inject, next thing I know I was wearing half the shot. Great. Fan frickin tast tic. How much money did that cost me? So I called the nurse emergency line and they had me do another half shot.

Then this morning, I went to work and while at work I was chatting on the next about F'ing up my shot and then it dawned on me.. I FORGOT TO DO MY LUPRON SHOT THIS MORNING!!! OMG... I am a space cadet. Once again, urgent call to the nurse at Dr. A's. They tell me to take it as soon as I can. So, I left work at 1:20. I had to go drop some rate books at DTE. So I ran home and did my shot this afternoon and went back to work.

I was supposed to go to a happy hour tonight a guy that quit my office. I decided not to go. To many people I don't care to see and since I can't drink anyway, what was the point? oh well.

Tonight was night #4 of my shots. Wow.. time is flying. Tomorrow I got to accupuncture again. So nice to relax.

A girl on the TTTC board had some really terrible news today. They submitted all the paper work and $ to start the adoption process and yesterday they found out that their agency basically got shut down and they lost all their money. They hope to recover some of it but they have to start the process all over again. ugh.. They are in my thoughts tonight.

Let the Stimming Begin!!

Jeff and I went in to Dr. Abuzeid's on Tuesday morning for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. We also had to sign all of our consent forms. It was pretty uneventful. The nurse called later on Tuesday to tell me all was normal with my blood work and I could start my stim shots that night. So I did! It was like me and Jeff doing our own little science project! I am on 150 units of Bravelle and 150 units of Menopur. I am still doing 5 units of Lupron every morning to make sure I don't ovulate before they want me to. The first shot went in fine and I felt no burn. I just hope I did it correctly!

Still, I must admit, it was a very emotional thing for me and Jeff to do that shot. Looking at the absolute MOUNTAIN of drugs sitting on my kitchen table, I can't believe this is what it has come to in order for us to ever have our own biological child. It really chokes me up. There are no words to describe how much we want this to work. There is so much riding on this IVF.

Some people are just freakin psychotic...

And apparantly, I am related to quite a few of them.

I am the youngest of 4. And they are 12, 13, 14 years older than I am. They were all moved out of the house by the time I was 6 and went off to do their things. College, milatary, and to just move around. Then, at age 18, I moved 500 miles away to go to college and never went back. For the most part, I grew up as an only child.

As a kid, I managed to get all A's and B's (I never missed the honor roll), always attended my dance class, ccd class, performed in all the school plays, sang in the high school's select chorale, sang in my church choir, cantored at church, played softball, didn't do drugs or get MIP's, participated in Key Club and Youth in Government, was part of the 'in' crowd at school and got accepted with no problem at Michigan State University. I graduated in 4.5 years and managed to put myself through 2 years of grad school on my own. Most of college, I worked two and three jobs at a time.

At 34, my student loans are paid off and I have a very good job at a very prestigeous global consulting firm. I am married to a wonderful man whom I love with all my heart. We own a house, have two dogs who we adore and are now trying to have a baby. I used to volunteer at the local hospital and give as much money as I can to help homeless annimals. I have never been in jail, I am a loyal friend, I love my mother and I am an ethical co worker and employee. I would like to think that I live my life in a good, respectful, decent way.

The most fond memories I have of my childhood and high school years are as follows:

-Spending my summers at my grandparents house on Indian Lake playing with my cousins all summer long.
-Traveling all over with my dad to see Detroit Tiger baseball games.
-Camping with my dad
-Road tripping with my mom and dad to places like Disney World, Mt. Rushmore, and Great America
-Playing with my best friend Cheri, and hanging out with her family. Since I was an 'only child' her and her 3 siblings across the street were the only siblings I knew

I love/loved both of my parents and am totally appreciative of everything they gave me.

Apparantly, though.. I was a sassy child and as a teenager, fought with my parents. Alot. I know this becuase my siblings tell me and my mom so. They did and still do, even though I am 34.

--They tell my mom and I that I was the cause for all of the damage ever done to my parents marriage
--That I was disrespectful and spoiled
--That I was a deceptive liar and would push anything or anyone out of my way to get what I wanted
--That I am responsible for the abusive way my niece has always talked to her parents, especially her mother

Here is what I remember:
--That my parents were never truly happy during my childhood. They slept in separate bedrooms and coexisted for as long as I have any memories at all.
--That I was an only child growing up. My parents were in their 40's when they were raising me and had a lot more time and money than they did in their 20's raising three children. I spent my Christmas' opening Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids, and my sister and sister in law spent their holidays counting my gifts against the number their children received and taking that out on me when my parents weren't around. Especially the Cabbage Patch Kids christmas. I was 10. My sister was 24.
--That my sister had a terrible relationship with my parents, moved out at 16 and spent her days trying to figure out how to piss my parents off. Then, when she was around, she spent her time making things up to try to get me in trouble. Like how I was always on the phone (gasp a teenager on the phone!) or that I 'shoved' her out of the way when I needed to use the bathroom mirror. My parents never let me forget what a disappointment she was to them and that I would never grow up to be like her.
--My niece was born when I was 11. I did go to her house to baby sit alot until I was 14 and then going out with my friends became more important than baby sitting. Until I was 18, I did see her at the holidays and a few other times per year when they would stop by my house or I would stop by theirs with my mom and dad. Truthfully.. I don't really remember a whole lot. Then at 18 when she was 7, I moved away to go to college and then my only contact really began 2-3 times a year.

I do not have a good relationship with my siblings. I never will. I am ok with this. Really. I am more than ok with this.

1. Rob. My oldest brother. I used to think he didn't have much of an opinion on what terrible child/person I was/am. It was his wife that made up for the both of them. She is a miserable jealous person. She is a gossip. She believes she is perfect. She is the first person to cast stones at everyone else's house when she herself lives in the biggest glass house of them all. She cannot look in the mirror and take the blame for anything.

Lisa.. you're fake phony miserable bitch. Look in the fucking mirror at your life. Your marriage, your relationships with your children. they are just that.. YOURS. YOU. YOU DID IT ALL TO YOURSELF. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS. You are the one person in all of this family mess that I can honestly say.. FUCK OFF AND I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I don't care about you. I don't care if you live or die. I have not lived by you for 15 years nor have I ever been a part of your every day life. If it makes you feel better to blame me for what I could not possibly have affected.. you go for it. There.. do you feel better now? Hate me. I really do not care. Really. You're miserable existence means nothing to me. You are nothing. Nothing.

I spent my childhood doing nothing but fighting off my sister and sister in law. These are two crazy fools and you can't reason with a fool. They are driving my mother to her death. and it's making me sick and crazy.

IVF Update!!

There is a hint of excitement. Aunt Flo is here YEEEE HAAA!! Can't believe I am saying that LOL. That means I call the RE tomorrow and will go in on Tuesday morning for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. Jeff and I will sign all the consent forms and do the injection training! I will start the BIG SHOTS on Tuesday!

We were out walking the dogs today and Jeff asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said..'baby stuff' with a wink. He goes.. nope. Saving it all for NEXT Christmas when it will be babies 1st Christmas! I had to choke back tears. Here's to hoping our Christmas wish comes true this year!

The Down side of Anger

To bad anger has 5 letter in it. It is something of a four letter word to me lately. I am angry. A.N.G.R.Y

Angry that I did not find my soul mate until I was almost 31 years old.
Angry that my stupid fucked up job sucked so we waited until we were married a year before we started trying to have a baby
Angry that I got pregnant so fast and it was ectopic
Angry that it was the most physical pain I ever hope to be in in my entire life with that tube bursting.
Angry that I decide to reward myself by getting lasik eye surgery and even that got fucked up and I spent almost a month blind in one eye and needed another surgery to repair it.
Angry that I will not have a child before I am 35 and it this point, I'll be lucky to have one by the time I am 36 too
Angry that I was not pregnant again before my due date of August 2nd, 2007
Angry that all the time and money I spent on treatments resulted in nothing but...
Angry that I finally got pregnant again for it to be ectopic again
Angry that my beta' started doubling like a normal pregnancy and gave us hope that this was our baby
Angry that after the fifth beta doubled awesome, the ultra sound said.. sorry. It's in your tube again
Angry that the first surgery was enough to get the pregnancy out of me
Angry that I needed two surgeries in 5 days
Angry that I can never get pregnant again with out IVF
Angry that I will never have an 'opps' baby
Angry that every cycle is now an 'off' cycle for me unless it's an IVF cycle
Angry that my life has become so fucking tragic that my friends and family no longer know what to say to me. There really are no words
Angry that we may have to go into debt to have a family now
Angry for my darling wonderful husband who doesn't deserve this.


I am really mad at the world. I don't want to be mad. But I am. I am so frustrated. I've been trying to bargain with God to be sure this IVF works. What if I am nice to this person? Or if I don't have bad thoughts about that person? Will the good Karma come back to me? My therapist and acupuncturist say no. That no matter what kind of a person I am, IVF can fail and it can succeed. There are to many other factors besides if one is a good person or not.

I still feel like trying to put some good karma out there. Some of it is bound to come back to me someday right?

Talk about a break

Wow.. I suck. it's been over two months and what a couple months they have been. I was pregnant. again. It was ectopic. again. I had surgery. again. Twice this time. I lost a fallopian tube. again. Unfortunately this time, I have none left. I am officially out of business. I can never get pregnant again without major medical intervention. AKA. In Vitro Fertilization.

It's been a really hard couple of months for me. With both of my pregnancies, there has been so much damage to my body physically, that I can barely get to the whole 'I just lost a baby' aspect of the situation. This whole bullshit experience has led me to many many feelings:

--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and not have the first word out of my mouth be FUCK.
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and not end up in a life endangering situation of my own
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and not need to have an organ surgically removed from my body.
--Just once, I would like to get pregnant and have it be in the right place.

My spirit is very broken. My body is very broken. I have major guilt. What if Jeff can never have a biological child because he married me? I also have major questions. Like, what did I do to deserve this? My doctors told me I had a better chance of being struck by lightening- twice. Did I piss off the big guy upstairs? What did I do wrong? Is my Karma THAT bad? And if so, how do I fix it? Who can I talk to? Who makes these bargains? I am willing to pay whatever I have to. Do whatever I have to to get a baby out of this life. The only thing this experience has taught me is to never utter the words.. it can't get any worse. Because it can. It always can.