You Can't Please Everyone...

You really can’t.

Not your kids, husband, parents, friends, siblings, boss, coworkers, employees. Heck.. I am sure even my dogs would have something to bitch about if I had a yearly review with them!

But this topic really has me thinking and pondering my relationships and interactions with all of the people above since a good friendship pretty much came to an end this week over my insensitivity to others needs and what I am told is my lack of participation in it the last several months. That, coupled with my hesitation to try to jump head first back into this person’s life during a difficult situation because I wasn’t sure if I was still welcome. Me trying to feel out the situation to see if it was ok to talk to her was viewed as kicking them when they were down and inappropriate by the person in question and another mutual friend who was brought into the picture by said ex friend. And for all I know, everyone else who my email was forwarded to.

For the most part, I am a really logical person. I definitely know the difference between right and wrong. I think about most things before pretty thoroughly before I do them. Ok.. maybe not that time I went in the mall to return something and came out with a $1000 purse.. but you catch my drift. I’d really like to think that I do not do things to ever intentionally hurt the feelings of anyone I know. Actually no.. I KNOW I do not set out to hurt the feelings of anyone much less the people I care about. Am I perfect? Hell No. Do I always remember your anniversary, birthdays... Maybe not. But do I set out to hurt feelings or ignore people I love? No. I know I do not do that. I know when the words “I’m sorry” should come out of my mouth for sure.

I have had the same three best friends for more than 30 years. And the one who stands out even over the other two.. we always tell people that we’ve “been together since we were 2”. And the crazy part is, I have not lived in the same town with any of them for almost 17 years now. But yet, we’ve still maintained our relationships. Through moves all over the country, military service, marriages, divorce, broken engagements, kids, miscarriages, showers, deaths in our families. The fires are still burning. I’d really like to think there is a reason for that. I know how to be a good friend. Even though we might not talk to each other every day or even every week sometimes, I always know that I can ‘go home’ to them. And if one of them did have an issue with me, I know they would pull me aside and ask what the heck my problem was or where or where have I been? Am I alive and kicking still? I would get the benefit of the doubt and we would move on.

Like I said above, I was accused of being a bad friend for the last 7 months. The funny thing is, I completely agree! I didn’t dispute this fact at all and told the person I 100% agreed. But, If you know me, or you read this blog, then you know what I have been doing for the last 7 months. Suffice to say it has not been sitting on a Caribbean island sipping pina colada’s! Heck no.. in fact I haven’t left the state since May of 2008! LOL

So what have I been doing for the last 7 months in question????????? Well.. I’ve been slightly busy with those three little men I gave birth to last October. Oh.. and then throw in being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, losing my job, looking for another, dogs, house hunting, moving, unpacking, starting a new job, adding in two hours of commute time every day… well.. there you have it. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 7 months.

Some things had to give. Namely, it’s been anything I used to do for myself. Nails, hair, showers, working out, going to dinners with friends, chatting on the phone or computer….those things are either gone or few and far between. (yes..I shower daily for work now) But, I’d love for people to know how much time I actually spend just making formula every day or how many evenings after the babies are in bed require me to fold laundry, grocery shop, iron clothes and run other assorted errands before I collapse into bed by 11 and pray the boys don’t wake me up at some point before my day starts again at 5:30-6. I didn't just wake up one day and decide I had better things to do than be a good friend.

In fact, tonight marked the first night I went to dinner with friends since last July before I was put on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. Tonight was the first time I left Jeff alone to do the bedtime routine so I could go out for some fun.

I have had mixed emotions about what has happened this week. Of course I am sorry to lose a good friend. I am of the opinion that you can never have too many friends! But I really feel totally attacked for putting the focus of my life on my family for these last several months. And that cannot be helped. How could it? And I feel that this person also used me as a punching bag and took a lot of their current frustrations out on me in that several other unnecessary insults that were hurled at me. I cry wolf.. I don't step up, I don't thank her properly. Ok. So when I said thank you.. did I not mean it? Was there a certain amount of time in which I was supposed to repay all those good deeds? If so, I did not get that memo. And I don't remember the last time I did something nice for someone and expected repayment at all. But maybe that's just me.

But this has caused me to step back and ask myself, what could I have done differently?

Sure.. I could have made more of an effort to be involved in my friends lives. But this wouldn’t just go for the friend in question.. there are about 8 other people who could make the same claim on me. And this has prompted me to do some damage control with them and ask them if they feel the same way. I’ve gotten pretty much the same feedback from my other friends: no.. we don’t talk to you as much and while that’s a bummer, we know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing. One friend said to me that she hopes it changes of course and said that as her kids got older she definitely was able to re-enter normal society again. Another friend was quick to point out, that unless you’ve had multiples like we do, there is no way for anyone TO understand our lives. And yet another said that if she had a problem with me, then SHE should have acted like a real friend months ago and called me up and simply said “I miss you, let’s try to get together here soon and find a time to talk” instead of hurling insults at me and giving me no chance to save the friendship.

So, what’s done is done. You live you learn. Maybe the loss of one friend will save me from 3 more. Who knows. I just know that I am trying the best that I can to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, dog mommy, and employer. Some days I’ll succeed. Others.. probably not so much. But on the days where I don’t, it’s not intentional. Really it’s not.