One year ago today....

Was a really bad day in my life. In fact.. one of the top three worst. It was one year ago today that Jeff and I found out that our second pregnancy was yet again.. ectopic.

We were suspicious from the start but were very hopeful as the the beta's were doubling perfectly. I went in for an ultrasound first thing in the morning and clear as day... there it was in my right.. and only remaining fallopian tube. My Dr. and I talked quickly as we knew what the most likely out come was going to be: Go directly to the hospital. Do not go home, do not pass go.. nope.. after the horror of the burst tube 9 months earlier, we were not going there again.

But I had one request this time since we caught it before it burst. Please please please do what you have to do to save the tube. Please do not remove my last chance to ever conceive again with out In Vitro. The Dr's agreed and said they would do all they could.

I came out of the surgery about 3 that afternoon to learn that they did not take my tube out. They took several masses of tissue that they had to believe one of which was the pregnancy. As happy as I could be in my anesthesia state, I was.

I slept all day Tuesday and went in Wednesday morning for a follow up to check my incisions. They also wanted to do a beta to be sure the pregnancy was gone and my HCG was on it's way to zero again. Because it wasn't 'urgent', I would get the beta the next afternoon. That was fine.
Later Wednesday evening, I came down with a splitting headache and threw up. Oddly.. it was exactly how I had been feeling the last couple weeks when I was pregnant. Something told me I still was.

Sure enough, I got the call about 4 on Thursday. My beta had almost doubled again. And the pathology reports all came back negative for pregnancy tissue. The baby was still in me. I was to report to the hospital first thing Friday morning. More surgery. This time, I was told the tube was coming out. It was to damaged to ever use again. Safely. I was just distraught, but I knew they were right. If I got pregnant again, I could be in this place for a 3rd time. I couldn't do it again. I just couldn't.

So they took my tube out and this my fertility and part of my women-hood. I know that sounds dramatic, but let's get real, it was a dramatic situation. I could hardly get passed that to morn the loss of yet another baby.

So that was one year ago today. Today, September 10, 2008, I am laying in my bed on modified bed rest 28 weeks and 1 day pregnant with triplets. Once again, the saying.. "what a difference a year makes" has held true. I kept trying to tell myself that last year at this time as it has held true for me before. It's hard to see through the fog to the light, so I try to be patient. It was a long 17 months to this place, but I am here. I am here with Jeff. But just because I am here, I certainly haven't forgot the road that led me here nor the 3 babies I lost on that road. I mourn them for sure. The "what if's"


But, in 6 weeks or less, Jeff and I will be parents.

We really really will.