Irrational

So.. I am irrationally pissed today. I guess I should say it started last night. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I do.

What is making me this way? Well.. two things.
1. The fact that I am not pregnant or do not already have a child. Of course right? My infertility is what started this blog and what primarily keeps it going. Some days, hearing that other people are pregnant really gets to me. Yesterday was one of those days. It's hard to hear no matter who the newly pregnant person is. Someone with IF like me or not. If they don't have IF, then I'm like.. of course. Everyone can get pg but me. But if it is someone with IF, then these days, that prompts me to think, great. So why are these treatments working for everyone but me? When will it be my turn? It's hard not to feel 'left behind'.

This is not to say I am not happy for these people. Especially the IF people. It IS good to see these treatments working. But again, I feel soooo left behind. Especially when I can't even TRY to get pregnant every month. I can't even TRY unless I am doing IVF. How do I ever get past this? oh yeah.. I know. To have a baby. This is so hard for me to swallow.

2. My family situation. Particularly what is going on right now with my oldest brother and his wife and their treatment of my mother. It's a long story and one that gets me so upset and riled up, I don't even care to type it. Suffice to say the mentally ill should stick together so it's nice that they have each other to fight with.

Honestly.. my family sucks. My immediate family that is. I am 12 years younger than my nearest sibling so I didn't grow up with any of them. They don't know me. They don't want to know me. Hell, they grew up together and and they don't like each other, how could I expect them to like me? I don't. And I honestly don't care. I only care about how they treat my mother. Which, since my dad has been dead, has been pretty shocking. And these people are all in their late 40's. Heck.. my one brother will be 50 this year! After my mom is gone, I truly do not see having a relationship with any of them except my one brother. And that's only because his wife is the sister I never had. And I am ok with this. You can't pick your family. And I do not believe that just because they are blood I have to keep allowing them to mess with my life. They are toxic and I have enough problems in my life without these fools.

But still.. it is upsetting. I just want to have my own family because the one I was born into sucks.

And I can't have my own family unless there is a miracle out there somewhere .