Thankful

Thankful. Blessed.



Lucky.



Those are a few of the words that have been running through my mind the last couple of days. It is just unfortunate that something awful had to happen to someone else to cause them to run through my mind.



One of the girls from my online infertility support group and subsequently, my multiples group suffered the unthinkable loss of one of her infant triplets.



I remember when I first found out I was expecting triplets. A whole gamit of emotions, thoughts, and fears ran through my mind those first few weeks.



Of course the most important thing is that I was finally pregnant with a pregnancy that had an actual chance to become a live baby and make my dreams come true of becoming a parent. That first ultrasound was the first one out of oh... 10-20 ultrasounds I had had while pregnant that actually looked like a viable pregnancy!! I was so relieved to have saw and heard A heartbeat let alone 3!!



So of course, that was the most important thing. But as soon as that was out of the way, the next emotion to hit me was sheer panic. Obviously when you do IVF, you must prepare yourself for multiples. And Jeff and I had those discussions. When we did the transfer, we decided to let our Dr. make the choice on how many to transfer. He choose 3 for a variety of reasons. My age, the fact that I can ONLY get pregnant with IVF, and that we had just had a failed (chemical pregnancy) IVF with two blasts of the same quality that we had this time. We agree to move forward with three. He gave us a 60% chance of success with a 10% chance that all three could stick. In the end, I guess I was just meant to have triplets. Two stuck, one split into identical twins. Honestly, really honestly... I was so down, out, and depressed that I hardly expected to get one baby out of that cycle. I had no faith, no hope really. Never in a million years did I think I would end up with triplets.



So the panic. How would I get these babies safely into the world? For them and me? Then... how would we fit them into our house? Could we afford all this? So so so many questions and worries. Hell.. I even had sleepless nights thinking about how the hell I was going to find three names I liked!



Of course we know how my story turned out. Aside from two hospitalizations totally 3 weeks, about 5 extra trips to Labor and delivery, birth at 33 and half weeks. My babies are perfect. And perfectly healthy. I came out of the delivery worse than they did! LOL



So.. why me? How did I get so lucky? I guess it's just one of those questions I will never know the answer to and that's ok. I can't question. I've definitely had my share of shit in this life and I can't question that either.



My only hope for the other triplet family is that they know only joy from here on out. It's time. They deserve it. Enough already. I hope that their other two babies continue to thrive and come home with their parents where they belong. That in time, they can ease the pain they feel now. They'll never forget the lost baby of course and even though there are two here on earth, they'll always be triplets. I can't imagine my trio minus one and I am sure they will always feel that way too. But honestly.. enough already. It's time for this family to have happiness.

Baby Gate 2009

I know.. serious title hey? LOL But.. this is pretty much the look of our house these days. LOCK DOWN.

The boys are M.O.B.I.L.E. They are everywhere. It's just so exciting and fascinating to watch them. Together and on their own. They play together for a bit and then inevitibly, they wander off. The family room in our new house is one big ole nursery. We have couch (soon to be brand new sectional) a leather lazy boy, and a plasma TV mounted on the wall with a stand underneath it that holds our dvd, cable box ect. And that is it. Other than baby stuff that is! There are still two pack n plays, two jumperoos, one excersaucer and 1000 toys and mounting every day. And I love it! And that is quite the thing for me to say. Let me just say, anyone who has been to my house knows I am slightly obsessive compulsive. I have been compared to Monica from Friends before. Not that I am scrubbing my floors every night, BUT.. I am sooo tidy. I HATE it when things are out of place and I HATE HATE HATE clutter. I swear it makes me twitch. So the fact that I am able to leave these toys strewn about is a break through for me! But it's all about those three little men. They are such the sun the moon.. the stars..

Besides crawling all over, they are pulling up on everything. Especially Alex. He is not content to mearly kneel or sit by anything. Nope. He hits his desitnation and climbs up whatever is there for him to grab on to. Ben and Nate are also doing it but are not quite the pros that Alex is. Alex the Explorer. Speaking of middle names.. here are a few we call the boys and their recent 9 month check in stats:

Alex. Alias':

Alexgator

Animal

Alex the Explorer

Alejandro

A-Jo

Boo Boo

Weighed in at 19 pounds 2 ounces. 28 and 3/4th inches

Ben: AKA:

Benstigator

Benj

Bug

Bugaboo

Benny

Benja-man

Doodle-bug

Ben THA Man

Weighed in at 18 pounds 5 ounces, 28 inces

Nate: AKA:

Termi-nate-or (get it? LOL)

Nate D

Na Nate

Natey

Boo Boo Boo

Luv bug

Weighed in at 19 pounds ounces, 28 inces.

So the boys all fall between the 10 and 30th percentiles. Still little men but right on track!

They are eating great! In fact.. they are eating us out of house and home! I just cannot WAIT to see my grocery bill when they are 16. Holy moly. They are doing great with the finger foods. So far they've had all the stage 3 foods, puff, cheerios, pancakes, cheese, blueberries, watermelon, waffles.. and I feel like there are things I am missing! But.. they are getting the hang of it. I hope they will be moving to more people food soon. This baby food is SO expensive. But what isn't expensive about triplets right? LOL

Yeah.. $40 a week in diapers, $50 a week for formula ( THANK YOU SAMS CLUB) and I would say we are going through about $30 a week in baby food right now. So.. about $480 a month. Oh.. and then there is my nanny... But then I look at them and it's like.. huh? what money? YOU"RE SO STINKIN CUTE!

Anyway.. I gotta hit the sack. 5:30 comes way to fast!

You Can't Please Everyone...

You really can’t.

Not your kids, husband, parents, friends, siblings, boss, coworkers, employees. Heck.. I am sure even my dogs would have something to bitch about if I had a yearly review with them!

But this topic really has me thinking and pondering my relationships and interactions with all of the people above since a good friendship pretty much came to an end this week over my insensitivity to others needs and what I am told is my lack of participation in it the last several months. That, coupled with my hesitation to try to jump head first back into this person’s life during a difficult situation because I wasn’t sure if I was still welcome. Me trying to feel out the situation to see if it was ok to talk to her was viewed as kicking them when they were down and inappropriate by the person in question and another mutual friend who was brought into the picture by said ex friend. And for all I know, everyone else who my email was forwarded to.

For the most part, I am a really logical person. I definitely know the difference between right and wrong. I think about most things before pretty thoroughly before I do them. Ok.. maybe not that time I went in the mall to return something and came out with a $1000 purse.. but you catch my drift. I’d really like to think that I do not do things to ever intentionally hurt the feelings of anyone I know. Actually no.. I KNOW I do not set out to hurt the feelings of anyone much less the people I care about. Am I perfect? Hell No. Do I always remember your anniversary, birthdays... Maybe not. But do I set out to hurt feelings or ignore people I love? No. I know I do not do that. I know when the words “I’m sorry” should come out of my mouth for sure.

I have had the same three best friends for more than 30 years. And the one who stands out even over the other two.. we always tell people that we’ve “been together since we were 2”. And the crazy part is, I have not lived in the same town with any of them for almost 17 years now. But yet, we’ve still maintained our relationships. Through moves all over the country, military service, marriages, divorce, broken engagements, kids, miscarriages, showers, deaths in our families. The fires are still burning. I’d really like to think there is a reason for that. I know how to be a good friend. Even though we might not talk to each other every day or even every week sometimes, I always know that I can ‘go home’ to them. And if one of them did have an issue with me, I know they would pull me aside and ask what the heck my problem was or where or where have I been? Am I alive and kicking still? I would get the benefit of the doubt and we would move on.

Like I said above, I was accused of being a bad friend for the last 7 months. The funny thing is, I completely agree! I didn’t dispute this fact at all and told the person I 100% agreed. But, If you know me, or you read this blog, then you know what I have been doing for the last 7 months. Suffice to say it has not been sitting on a Caribbean island sipping pina colada’s! Heck no.. in fact I haven’t left the state since May of 2008! LOL

So what have I been doing for the last 7 months in question????????? Well.. I’ve been slightly busy with those three little men I gave birth to last October. Oh.. and then throw in being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, losing my job, looking for another, dogs, house hunting, moving, unpacking, starting a new job, adding in two hours of commute time every day… well.. there you have it. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 7 months.

Some things had to give. Namely, it’s been anything I used to do for myself. Nails, hair, showers, working out, going to dinners with friends, chatting on the phone or computer….those things are either gone or few and far between. (yes..I shower daily for work now) But, I’d love for people to know how much time I actually spend just making formula every day or how many evenings after the babies are in bed require me to fold laundry, grocery shop, iron clothes and run other assorted errands before I collapse into bed by 11 and pray the boys don’t wake me up at some point before my day starts again at 5:30-6. I didn't just wake up one day and decide I had better things to do than be a good friend.

In fact, tonight marked the first night I went to dinner with friends since last July before I was put on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. Tonight was the first time I left Jeff alone to do the bedtime routine so I could go out for some fun.

I have had mixed emotions about what has happened this week. Of course I am sorry to lose a good friend. I am of the opinion that you can never have too many friends! But I really feel totally attacked for putting the focus of my life on my family for these last several months. And that cannot be helped. How could it? And I feel that this person also used me as a punching bag and took a lot of their current frustrations out on me in that several other unnecessary insults that were hurled at me. I cry wolf.. I don't step up, I don't thank her properly. Ok. So when I said thank you.. did I not mean it? Was there a certain amount of time in which I was supposed to repay all those good deeds? If so, I did not get that memo. And I don't remember the last time I did something nice for someone and expected repayment at all. But maybe that's just me.

But this has caused me to step back and ask myself, what could I have done differently?

Sure.. I could have made more of an effort to be involved in my friends lives. But this wouldn’t just go for the friend in question.. there are about 8 other people who could make the same claim on me. And this has prompted me to do some damage control with them and ask them if they feel the same way. I’ve gotten pretty much the same feedback from my other friends: no.. we don’t talk to you as much and while that’s a bummer, we know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing. One friend said to me that she hopes it changes of course and said that as her kids got older she definitely was able to re-enter normal society again. Another friend was quick to point out, that unless you’ve had multiples like we do, there is no way for anyone TO understand our lives. And yet another said that if she had a problem with me, then SHE should have acted like a real friend months ago and called me up and simply said “I miss you, let’s try to get together here soon and find a time to talk” instead of hurling insults at me and giving me no chance to save the friendship.

So, what’s done is done. You live you learn. Maybe the loss of one friend will save me from 3 more. Who knows. I just know that I am trying the best that I can to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, dog mommy, and employer. Some days I’ll succeed. Others.. probably not so much. But on the days where I don’t, it’s not intentional. Really it’s not.

A New Kind of Normal

So I am 4 weeks into my new job now. We're slowly getting a groove. I wish I could say leaving the boys every day has been easy, but it's not. In fact, I came home on Tuesday to find the boys in their high chairs and Julie.. our wonder nanny.. had the food all ready for me to feed them. I sat down to feed them and Julie left the room. Alex twisted in his high chair and followed her out of the room. I was like.. great... working 4 weeks and my kid already prefers the nanny!! Hey brat... what about the first 8 months of your life when you only saw my face every day?!?!!? You were the total mamma's boy too! NO ONE would do for you.. but ME. Mommy!!

Every time I leave the house for work, I have visions of something that happened when I was a nanny back in college. I took care of these two girls. One 18 months.. the other 5. I LOVED that baby. She was my baby. I swear. One day I had them at the pool club and their dad had to meet me there cause I had plans that night. I went to hand her to him and she would NOT go. Screamed bloody murder. I felt bad giving her to him. And then and there I thought... if that ever happens to me.. I'll die.

SO that is what I thought happened to me on Tuesday. Well.. my in laws are here for the weekend and this morning when I was feeding the boys, my mother in law walked out of the room and Alex followed! The same way he did to Julie the other day. phew. He is still a mama's boy!

That said, I do love my new job. It's what I want to do. It's what I like to do. I am slow right now learning the ropes, but eventually I'll be so busy the days will fly. I hate the drive, but eventually, I'll have great flexibility. All that and the job I was hoping to have but was in a hiring freeze when I was looking called me this week and said.. hey.. guess what? The hiring freeze is over.. want the job? Umm..... Great.

No.

But that said.. how blessed am I to have had the job opportunities in this horrid town right now?

And our nanny.. she's the BEST. I LOVE her. Jeff went out of town this week for a few days and she spent the night! She's like.. I don't have anything else going on.. I'll hang out with you for the night! We got sushi...watched the Bachelorette... looked for bedding and bath stuff on the internet. It was fun for me too! I feel like maybe being her "friend" isn't right but she's fast becoming part of our family and I like it!


And the boys? oh boy oh boy. Our house is officially on lock down. They are EVERYWHERE. When I watch them crawl.. I just can't stand it. They are so freakin cute I could die. My mom and sisters and nieces were all here last week.. this weekend it's Jeff's family and of course everyone is falling all over themselves at the babies. And I've taken a couple of them to baby showers recently. Same there. I really do have the best babies. Of course everyone says that and rightfully so about their own kids. But my babies really are amazing. They are always happy and smiling. They sleep through the night. They are cuddlers. They are adorably cute. They play together and alone and have become so low maintence we sometimes forget they are there! HA!!

Most importatly, they are healthy. And I still can't believe they are mine!

Happy 9 Month Birthday boys!

The loves of my life.. 9 months old today. Happy birthday boys!

Hello old friend!

Wow.. ok so almost 3 months.. no.. over 3 months has gone by since I last update. I seriously have to plead major insanity. My life these last three months have been absolute chaos. Let's see.. here is the quick and dirty run down...

1. We bought a new house. Our old house was just to small. We loved it, but we were bursting at the seems and it was only going to get worse as the boys....and their toys.. get bigger and bigger. Our tiny living room couldn't hold more than the two jumperoos and swing we had in it much less have any space for the boys to start floor play. We all would have been in separate rooms! The Detroit housing market being what it is (down right horrible) we had some big decisions to make: Risk having to forclose on our current house to get the new house as there is no way we could hope to even remotely break even on our old house. Or.. stay there for an indefinite amount of time. We choose option #1. Our plan was to make double payments on both mortgages for the summer and pray pray pray our house sold as a short sale.. but then...

2. Two days after closing.. I got laid off from my job. It wasn't shocking to me at all, but seeing as how I had been asking my boss for an answer for months and was avoided.. ignored.. you name it. I was so pissed about how poorly it was handled. I'll say it now.. Mercer.. you are the worst fucking piece of shit company I have ever worked for. Or.. rather your management is a fucking joke and getting laid off was the best thing that ever happened to me.

3. We survived the move. omg. what utter chaos. We moved from a 1500 square foot house into a 3000 square foot house. You try to clean that and take care of 3 babies, 2 dogs, 1 mother, 1 husband, and the partridge in a pear tree. But.. we LOVE LOVE LOVE our new palace. It IS a palace to us. The house is about 30 years old and needs some cosmetic love but for the most part it was move in ready. Not only is the house enormous, but we have a 3 car garage and THE most beautiful lot that is just under an acre of flowering trees and preenials in a gorgeous upscale suburb North of Detroit. We feel no need to aspire to move anywhere except our retirement condo in Cancun!

4. My mom left. I was on my own finally with all three babies all day. Nough said.

5. I began to job search and go on interviews in my spare time.

6. I found a job! And I truly believe it is THE job. Where I will stay for the remainder of my career. There are so many wonderful things about my new company and job and only one negative: My commute sucks ass. My job is in Ann Arbor. ON a good day, it takes me 40 minutes. On a bad one.. over an hour. So why you ask did I take this job with 3 babies at home? Well.. for one thing, the company is virtually recession proof. Almost every big company in the country is a client. As is almost every health plan. Everyone needs us. Next.. I am doing what I did at my job two jobs ago and I loved it. I was good at it. Third.. in this horrible economy (and yes.. it is way worse in Detroit than anywhere) not only did I not have to take a pay cut, I got a raise. I was astounded. Last but not least, once I am trained, I will be able to work from home couple days a week and have all the flexibility one could ever want. How blessed am I?

7. Due to #6, we had to hire a nanny.. and a lawn service.. and a housekeeper... and you would think that with the way the economy is here that this would have been a snap right? Honestly, this could be 4 posts on it's own. Suffice to say it was a horribly frustrating experience, but we found a great one and she is working out fabulous so far!

So that has been what is going on with me and what I have been doing the past three months. Oh yeah.. I still haven't unpacked.

As for the babies.. where to begin? The last three months has changed my infants into almost toddlers! They are amazing. And happy. And loving. And beautiful. I see all these multiples coming to early and scaring their parents half to death lately and I get choked up. For them of course and their struggles, but how did I get so lucky? Really? How? I tend to think sometimes that my life has been a series of ridiculous struggle after ridiculous struggle. And I get really down. I think sense the infertility, things don't roll off me like they once did.

But I have three healthy beautiful boys that make all the other shit go away. How blessed am I?

Very.

Well..

I really hate that all of a sudden this blog seems to have become my place to vent. This is supposed to be the place the I record all of the goings on with the babies. After all, it did start out as an infertility blog. Lately, it's really become the place I go to because really.. I don't have another outlet right now.

I've said it over and over again. What a difference a year makes in ones life. And of course that can go for the better or for the worse. I always try to remind myself of that little saying when I am feeling at a crossroads with life.

Last year at this time, I was newly pregnant and had just found out that not only was I pregnant, but that it was triplets. I don't mean to belittle those of you who may read this blog who have given birth one at a time or even to twins. But triplets is well.. harder. Just as I am sure that the person who had quads could say to me.. girl.. if you only knew. The change that the pregnancy and birth of the triplets has brought to my life has been beyond my wildest dreams. I won't state the obvious changes. I am sure you can guess what it does to ones pocket book, sleep patterns, and decor of the house that is now filled with swings, excersaucers, and jumparoos. But, tomorrow, I am facing yet another repercussion of my infertility. I am losing my job.

Things were really going great for me at work when I found out I was pregnant. I had just got promoted, was happily plugging away on the two biggest clients we had and had a great relationship with everyone. Clients, management.. everyone. Then I found out I was pregnant with the triplets and all of a sudden, I could no longer work long hours. I couldn't plan for the future. Then I ended up having to be done with work at 22 weeks due to my preterm labor issues and ending up in the hospital. I had to go on bed rest. Then once the boys were born, I thought it best to take an extended leave of absence in order to keep them out of daycare during RSV and flu season.

As a result, my clients are gone, I've been replaced on what was left, our firm is suffering due to the horrible economy in Detroit and thus.. I am completely expendable. No one will miss me. I've never been "let go" or "laid off" from a job in my life. In fact.. the polar opposite. When I've given notice at my last couple of jobs before this, the reaction was.. why? What can we do to keep you? And here I am. In the worst economy since the depression, in the worst state in the country, in the worst town. And with three newborn babies to support.

Oh the irony.

It would be different if it were just me that I had to worry about but it's not. It's my husband, my babies, my dogs. Hell.. even my cleaning lady and baby sitter who depend on us for money.

I am trying to find a silver lining in this. That I'll be able to spend more time with my babies. Time with them being little that I'll never get back. Perhaps now I am guaranteed to be the one who is there to see them sit up for the first time, crawl for the first time and even walk for the first time. Perhaps now, I'll be the one who hears their first word instead of a daycare worker. Perhaps this is the way it's supposed to be, right? I did wait 35 years for the chance to do this. I did go through 2 years of heartbreak and fertility treatments to get here right? So this is my chance, right? No paycheck is worth it is it?

So why am I scared to death?