Someone shoot me.. please.

Honest to god.

Today is Saturday. So Jeff is home. We get done feeding the babies, I get them dressed.. get in to take a shower. Now.. I enjoy my Saturday and Sunday showers. Since he is here with my mom, I don't have to take a 2 minute shower. I can actually take a 10-15 minute one and wash my hair! And I look forward to washing my hair twice a week!! Jeff and my mom "get along". But this whole living situation has unfortunately tarnished the view each had of each other before she came to stay with us. We've had some really rough moments, but lately.. things had been going ok.

So.. while I am in the shower, I hear a door close - loudly. Not a slam.. but loudly. And I know it's my mom's door. I get out and it's still shut. So I look at Jeff and go.. huh? He says.. I was walking by from the babies room to our room and her door was cracked like 4 inches or so and I could see her in there naked and changing! So I shut it and I am not sorry I did. I don't need to see that.

I cringed.

I am pissed. Ok.. did you have to acknowledge it? My mom acts like a 10 year old on her best days and this is just going to piss her off and totally embarrass the crap out of her. I was like.. thanks a lot dude! Great way to start of the weekend when I already had a great enough week!
He immediately gets pissed and starts yelling at me again, that he is not sorry.

My mom goes downstairs. I talk to her like normal. She goes back upstairs with her cereal and shuts her bedroom door. Loudly.

Really. Can someone shoot me?

I had a rough week. Mentally. The boys are finally sleeping somewhat better and it's amazing what a little sleep can do for ones outlook on the day. But this house business was really getting the better of me. I was convinced we wouldn't hear from the bank in the near future, thus causing us to have to pay another $2500 for a nonhomestead fee if the house wasn't closed by May 1. Not to mention still being in this house locked up like sardines. But I had talked it out in my head that if it wasn't m'eant to be.. then it wasn't. You see.. we've resigned ourselves to the fact that we're going to have to forclose on our current house to get out of it. Whether you agree with it or not is not why I am blogging about it. And I don't care to hear how we're contributing to the mortgage meltdown in this country. I realize that, but I didn't start it and we won't be the ones who finish it either. It's a decision we feel we had to make for the sake of our growing by the day family. And in Detroit, selling the house you're in and even breaking even is not even a remote possibility for the indefinite future.

Then we hear on the house. All is well right? Well.....

I read over my leave papers from work. It says I return on May 1. I didn't realize it at the time, but May 1 is a Friday. So I think.. why would I go back on Friday. Monday makes more sense. And the daycare needs to know what my plan is. They could take more kids on Friday if mine are not there. It is there lively-hood after all.. so of course they want to know.

So I email my supervisor and the head of my department. Which day? No biggie.. just let me know. No response. I call both. No response. I am being ignored. Avoided. Coincidence? Let me also remind you all that my two biggest clients have dumped us and everything I would do the rest of the year no longer exists for me to go back to. And.. since I am on unpaid LOA, they are under no obligation to restore me to my previous role. Humm... what do I smell here?

Finally I get a one line email from my supervisor. The big boss is out of the office (which is bs cause I know he was in in the morning yesterday as my spies tell me) and he'll call me next week. So what I thought was a no brainer question has turned into "the boss will call you next week". Now there are two ways I can view this:

1. I am about to be layed off. Let go.. whatever.
2. I could never get a straight answer out of my boss when I sat three feet from him. All he would say is that "it's out of my hands, talk to big boss" and getting the time of the big boss is like an audience with the Holy Grail. When I was about to go out on maternity leave last summer.. I had emailed him.. called him.. gone into his office while he was there and could NOT. NOT get 3 minutes of his time even when it related to actual work I needed a decision on to move forward. When discussing the terms of my leave, I had to actually call our HR department in our Chicago office and have them call him to FORCE him to have the leave conversation with me. I kid not. I was ready to drop three babies and couldn't get his time.

So choose your option.

Either way, it leaves me worried and upset about my job. Me and the other million people in this area still hanging to their jobs by a thread. Do we still close on this new house and drain half of our savings on the down payment and moving to get into something we can actually live in? Some place we can be comfortable long term and with the school district, as we would never send them to the schools where we live now. Godforbid Jeff lose his job too..would we have possibly two forclosed houses to our name?

We really don't know what to do right now.

On the verge...

I think I am hormonal or something. I've been on the "verge" lately. True.. I did sort of snap on my mom and Jeff on Sunday after the no sleep night. I was like.. I need help around this house. And it's not going to get any better. Especially since I let our cleaning lady go on Monday. Am I insane? No.. we need the money. Anyway.. there's just been so much going on.

Then.. the other night, a couple of my old coworkers came by. It was great to see them, nice visit, but one of them was like.. so when do you think they will lay you off? I was like..huh? Do you know something I don't? True.. we're hurting right now and everyone is nervous, but would it necessarily be me who goes? Who knows!! So I was like.. gee.. thanks for putting these thoughts in my head as if I didn't already have them.

Of course then there is the house. It was over two weeks ago that we put the offer in and we've been waiting on the short sale approval. What I have learned in this is that it's soooo hard when you want something so bad for the good of your children and not be able to secure it. We're basically throwing our asses out the window to get this house because we need the space. But of course we have no control over it. There are so many factors that will go into getting this house but I've had to convince myself.. well.. maybe it isn't meant to be. And there was a sign from the universe.. my realtor called this afternoon and the bank approved it. I couldn't believe it! Now, we just have to formally apply for the loan and close. I am crossing my fingers that nothing.. NOTHING ELSE comes up to prolong this!

Ahhh Sleep...

Things are so much brighter when you've had more than 3 hours of broken sleep per night!

The boys teething was wrecking havoc on our whole house. OMG. How long is this going to go on? I started using Tylenol when I need to. Not sparingly or once a week like I the drug police. I've also started with the Hyland teething tablets and orajel. Seems to be helping.. and Sleep training!! Now.. I talk like my boys were horrible sleepers. But the reality is that they are not. The problem when you have three infants sharing a room is that say.. one of them wakes and wants their paci at 1:00 am.. you might not hear from that infant till 6 again. But if you have one that does it at 1, another at 2, and yet another at 3.. and then one who was born at 3 pounds and change that still can't make it through the night without a bottle screaming for it at 4... well.. it all adds up to NO SLEEP FOR MOM!!

The other thing that was really starting to wear on me was the napping issue. Again.. when you have three.. getting them to nap at the same time is like trying to climb Mt. Everest. Nearly impossible. And you can't really sleep train a 3 month old preemie. So you do what you have to and accept the fact that you will always be carrying around a baby during the waking hours.

So this week, I put the Baby Whisperer into full effect. They boys actually go down to sleep at night like a dream. We feed them, put them in the crib and boom.. down they go. So when they wake now..we only sooth. I won't feed them until at the very earliest 4 am. And I am going to stretch it more every night. Today.. it was 6:30 am!! YAHOO. I think once they start daycare and have to rise and be out of the house earlier, it will completely eliminate the need for the early early am feed. And naps.. for the last three days, I put them down at 10:30 and again at 2pm. And I leave them there for at least one hour in the morning and 90 minutes in the afternoon. It's working. There is some crying, but it's really happening!

It hit me today that I only have two more weeks of full time at home with the boys. I can't believe it's almost over. All the complaining and crying that I've done when I have felt overwhelmed.. now i feel awful and I am going to miss my babies every day.

This sucks.

Just one of those days...

I am entitled to them every once and a while right? Today was one. I sometimes remember the life I used to have and think wow.. that wasn't that long ago. The difference in my life from this time last year to today... oh my god.. there is no resemblance what so ever.

The boys are having a tough time at night right now. We do get a couple good nights here and there, but lately it's been more bad than good. They are teething something fierce. Those of you with one, or even two children teething at a time know how painful that one or two can be. Three.. yeah.. you can only imagine right? So I am sleep deprived for sure. And it's always me who is getting up in the middle of the night. Not once, twice or three times. There are nights when I am out of my bed at least 10 times. And they have not dropped the early morning feeding yet. So there is always a feed between 4 and 6. I am exhausted. Jeff and my mom do get up to help me with the feed, but in between, it's me. Jeff doesn't hear them and by the time I would wake him up, I am up so what's the point in both of us being exhausted? And they are not my mom's kids. They are ours.

My mom pissed me off something crazy today. We were getting the boys ready to go on a couple errands. It was raining so I needed her to go and stay in the car with the boys so I could run in the stores. And no.. I can't just leave them all home. My mom will not stay home with all three alone. She's not comfortable with it. So as we are getting ready, my mom comes down stairs and I smell it.. perfume. Now.. I am allergic to almost all perfumes out there and I am hyper sensitive to smells. I almost gagged. i was like.. why the fuck would you spray yourself with perfume when you are about to get in a fucking small space like a car with me and 3 babies????????? Someone please tell me why this is logical? I said something to her in a more diplomatic fashion and she FREAKED on me. She was so pissed that I was not ok with this.. omg. I told her to grow the fuck up and stay home. I left with the babies myself and road around. It was raining so I couldn't take them out of the car and do any errands. Such is the life with triplets.

Then there's my husband. Love him to death and he does help with the boys. But... I wish he would do more. And I know he knows he needs to do more to help me. He even commented on it last night. I take care of the babies. I take out the trash, I do all the dishes, laundry, folding, making formula, making bottles, picking up the dog shit, taking care of the dogs. Honestly.. I am starting to freak out about how the fuck i am going to manage my life when I go back to work in 5 weeks. And we think we need to get rid of our cleaning lady because that's money we need to allocate in a different spot now with our gigantic daycare bill. Never mind the fact that our new house is more than double the size of our current one. Only 3500 square feet for me to try to clean.

Last but not least on my mind today. Is my body. I went shopping yesterday to find an outfit to wear to the boys baptism and I left the store in tears. My body is a total fat mess. I've lost weight for sure but I don't think that even matters. My stomach is a mess of stretch marks and flab. I need plastic surgery for sure.

Don't get me wrong. I couldn't love those little monkey's more. But if anyone out there is wishing for twins or triplets, stop and think about the challenges it brings with it. Personal and financial. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. And this is AFTER the difficult pregnancy, 3 months of bed rest, and almost dying in the delivery. I was lucky enough to carry them to 33 weeks+ and that they are all healthy! And I've had my mom here helping me since they were born. I don't know how any mom of triplets does this alone. I really don't. At least up to a certain age.

I am feeling really overwhelmed right now. sigh...

Never a dull moment... and 5 months old!!!

And I guess that's ok. My life has been a series of controled choatic events for a long time now so I should be used to it right?

Let's see... here's what we have been up to...

First.. planning the babies baptism. Not a big deal right? HA!! We're having the baptism 500 miles from our house in my home town so we could do it in my home parish. I haven't really connected with a church here so I really feel that I want them baptized where I was baptized. And since my husband now considers himself and atheist (that's a whole other conversation that we just don't have), the religious aspect of the babies being is my responsibility. And I want them baptized no question. So.... I designed invitations, ordered them, addressed them, reserved the church, took a baptism class at my local church, arranged the three sets of godparents, reserved a hall for the lunch after, hotel rooms, rental van so we can travel up there since our freakin car won't cut it, shopped and bought their baptismal outfits, and I still have to get to the catering for the lunch yet! Thank god my sister is making the cake!!! Love you sis!

Next.. daycare arrangements. Let's just say that it was EXTREMELY difficult to find child care for three infants under $2000 a month. Extremely. I found someone willing to do it in her home. A husband wife team. We'll see how it goes. My real goal is to get a nanny to come to my house, but while they are this young, I really feel it is a two person job. But after the first of the year, I'll be nanny shopping!

Next.. house hunting. We are dying in our house and we've had it. And it's only going to get worse. We don't even have space for the third crib that really needs to be up now. If we can't move by May 1, we're going to have to somehow smush a pack n play into the nursery and just take it down in the morning so we can walk in there during the day. I seriously hope it doesn't come to this. On the plus side, we've put an offer in on a house about 15-20 minutes from our current one. It's not in the suburb I wish it was, but still a very nice area with great schools. We just can't get what we want in the suburb I wish for. Still to much money. And if we move a bit further, we can get the space we want and desperately need. This house is 2900 square feet with another 500 in the partially finished basement. And.. it's on .75 of an acre of land!!! It's absolutely perfect for our family. And best of all, is in immaculate condition. We don't have to do anything to it that we don't want to. We are so excited about this house and hope it works out and they take our offer soon!

And the babies? well... They were weighed today..
Nate: 14 pounds 13 ounces
Ben: 13 pounds even
Alex: 14 pounds 4 ounces

I am SO happy! They are thriving! They will be 5 months old on Friday. Where does the time go? We've started rice cereal twice a day. Once in their bottle and once spoon feed. I've also given them applesauce and today.. they all got sweet potatoes for the first time. Alex is loving every second of this food. Nate.. it's hit or miss. Ben.. same thing. hit or miss.

Other stuff..
- We had our first walk around the block in the triple stroller on Sunday as a family. We've taken the stroller out to the mall and such, but this was the first day I felt it was warm enough to be outside. We lapped 3 blocks and I thought I was going to die. Between the car seats, stroller, and weight of the babies.. I think I was pushing at least 50 pounds!! I was sweating bullets! LOL If I do that two or three times a week.. holy work out!

- The babbling has begun. Especially Nate. He never stops! Love it!
- They are all in size two diapers.
- They are all grasping and putting things to their mouths
- Rolling over is second nature now
- They are starting to notice each other now!

Ahhh.. I am sure I am forgetting something. So I'll save it for the next post! Oh. the pic is me and the boys on St. Patty's day in our greens! Their shirts say.. kiss me, I'm Irish!

The triplets have landed

LOL

Our 5 day transfer with the triplets was one year ago today. Wow.. I can't believe it was a year ago already! Where has the time gone? And for anyone who is facing IVF in the near future, this was the cycle I was POSITIVE was going to fail. To be more clear, it was post transfer that I thought I really screwed up. The day of the transfer, I went home, did the best rest thing. The next day, all hell broke lose in my family and I did anything but rest and stay stress free. It was awful. I was hysterical, upset, livid, you name it for the entire 2 week wait and not only did those little embryo's settle in.. one split! Maybe that's what I got for being such a basket case right? Who knows... in any case, it worked against popular odds!

In other news.. we have SO much going on in our house.

First of all, we having the babies baptised on April 19th. So, I've attended our baptism class, ordered invitations, invited the god parents, made hotel reservations, talked with caterers, cake makers, shopped for outfits.. good lord. This is going to quite the production. We're having it in my home town, which is 500 miles away. So we also need to rent a van as we don't have a big enough vehicle to get us, the boys and all their crap up there for 4 days. Crazy!

Next.. I've had to secure daycare. Not easy. Then throw in the fact that I asked my boss if I could go down to 3 or 4 days a week almost 2 months ago and have not heard back. Plus the fact I need three full time spots.. gee.. thanks buddy! Let me just wait on you and see if I can find 3 full time daycare openings in less than 4 weeks time. Right on. I really wanted them to go to daycare in my building, but to say it would cost a fortune is an understatement. It wouldn't even be worth me going back. So it looks like we are going with this in home daycare. It's a husband/wife team. They do alot of latch key and a couple toddlers. It's really not my ideal situation. Their house is small. Really small. But the price is right. So for now, while they are really little and don't need much space and cost a fortune, they will go there. They do seem like nice people, are licesened and all that. So we'll see how it goes. It takes my breath away that someone else will have my kids almost more than me.

Last but not least.. we're house hunting. We need a bigger house. We're dying in this house and it's only going to get worse. We're going to have to have some creative financing to get out of this house and bring some money to the table, but we think we can do it. We're going to try. But what a process. I am so nervous about this house. As I was walking in to a couple houses we were looking at yesterday, I was just nerve wracked. When we shopped for this house, it was sooo fun. I knew that this house was the starter house. This new house will be THE house. The 20 year house. It's so much pressure! This will be where our boys have their first steps, birthdays, proms, ugh!! It's a big deal!

One year ago...oh.. and SO many things going on..

So this is one of those nostalgic posts to start with. Today is March 7th. One year ago March 5th was the day of our egg retrieval for the IVF that resulted in our triplets. It was seriously the most nerve wracked day of my life thus far. Seeing as how I didn't even want to do the IVF, I was still so afraid of the failure. But this time, it wasn't for my failure. I was afraid of letting my husband down and ruining his chances for a biological child. I was having a major guilt trip. All of our fertility issues are mine. He is just fine! Seeing as how I got pregnant the first month we ever tried.. there is some good swimmers in there! It was just my faulty fallopian tubes.

But he talked me into it and we did it. We tweaked my protocol a bit. Nothing major, but just tweaks here and there. It is so strange to go from a cycle that produces only a chemical pregnancy to triplets. What. the. hell. I am still baffled. Not only triplets, but 4 frozen embroy's also! The transfer took place on March 10th. I got my BFP on.. of all days... Easter Sunday. Truly the biggest blessing of my life. I really felt "watched over" if that makes any sense at all. Ahh well.. so easy for me to get nostalgic. Almost every time I look at the boys, I get weepy and think.. how did I get this lucky. Even when they are waking me up at 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am.. like last night, I am still the luckiest girl I know.

Anyhooo... the boys are up to so much lately. It's like they change or pick up a new skill over night now. All three have rolled. Alex is rolling around like a mad man. We can't keep him down! They are reaching for toys, putting them in their mouths, eating their fingers like crazy! They all started sitting in the bumbo seat this week to start practicing sitting up. I put the little tray on there so that they can also have toys in view. So far.. they love the linky doo things. Love them! I put them everywhere.

They must be growth spurting too. They have gone from 4.5 - 5 ounces a feed to 6-7 ounces every feed now. Good for them, but holy CRAP are we going through formula now. O. M. G. Especially Bens $25 a can liquid gold Nutramigen. But he is doing so well I am not taking him off of it now. Not for at least two more months and his diet is more food than formula. His health is worth the cost. At least we have the other two boys on the Sams Club equivalent of Gentlease. We have also had our first "solid" food! I have added rice cereal to their bottles a few times over the last week and tried spoon feeding it too. They do really well with it in their bottles. So we've also moved up to the medium flow nipples and I bought some fast flow too, just in case. Eating it off the spoon is another story. Nate doesn't seem to mind and took a few bites. Ben is ok with it, but not to excited about it. But he is familiar with the spoon feed because we feed him his prevacid with apple sauce and the spoon. Alex... does NOT like that spoon one stinkin bit. You should see the face! oh boy! I have to get some shots this week. I had Jeff put out their high chairs today, so they will be going in them hopefully tomorrow for the first time so Jeff can be here to see it! Can't wait! Such a huge step for our little men! We'll stick with the cereal for the next two weeks and then we'll move on when they hit 5 months! I do feel like it's early but honestly, they are so hungry all the time, it's like they can't get full. So... I gotta feed them!

As for their sleeping...it's hit or miss lately. Sometimes they will sleep through the night, others.. someone is up every freakin hour or half hour. Like last night. I got NO sleep. ugh. They were sleeping so so so good and they hit 4 months and BANG. Shot to shit. But.. they still sleep through the night about 2 times a week right now.

In other news, they will be starting daycare soon. UGHGGGGGG. I am SO upset about it. I can't believe my time off with them will be coming to a close soon. 6 more weeks. We seem to have found a provider. It's a husband wife team who do it in their house. They currently have no infants. A couple toddlers and some latch key kids os they will take all three of my boys and for a VERY reasonable price. They seem nice and I think they can do it. My only only hesitation is that I was not thrilled with their house. While clean, it's not the most updated place. It's small. But, my boys aren't mobile right now anyway is how I am looking at it. I would much rather they be in a big center, but ugh.. we can't afford to spend $2200 a month in daycare. And that is literally what the center in my building quoted me for all three. Seriously. Give me a break. $550 a week and they think they are giving me a break!

And I didn't know I was going to be one of "those" moms. I am so seriously heartbroken that I won't be the one caring for my babes all the time. I do need to go back to work both financially and mentally, but I am going to miss them so much it makes me twitch. I am crying just typing this. ugh. I am so nervous.

Anyway.. that's the update. There are 400 other things going on in our house right now.. but those are separate posts on their own. Suffice to say.. I am so busy I can't see straight right now.