Well..

I really hate that all of a sudden this blog seems to have become my place to vent. This is supposed to be the place the I record all of the goings on with the babies. After all, it did start out as an infertility blog. Lately, it's really become the place I go to because really.. I don't have another outlet right now.

I've said it over and over again. What a difference a year makes in ones life. And of course that can go for the better or for the worse. I always try to remind myself of that little saying when I am feeling at a crossroads with life.

Last year at this time, I was newly pregnant and had just found out that not only was I pregnant, but that it was triplets. I don't mean to belittle those of you who may read this blog who have given birth one at a time or even to twins. But triplets is well.. harder. Just as I am sure that the person who had quads could say to me.. girl.. if you only knew. The change that the pregnancy and birth of the triplets has brought to my life has been beyond my wildest dreams. I won't state the obvious changes. I am sure you can guess what it does to ones pocket book, sleep patterns, and decor of the house that is now filled with swings, excersaucers, and jumparoos. But, tomorrow, I am facing yet another repercussion of my infertility. I am losing my job.

Things were really going great for me at work when I found out I was pregnant. I had just got promoted, was happily plugging away on the two biggest clients we had and had a great relationship with everyone. Clients, management.. everyone. Then I found out I was pregnant with the triplets and all of a sudden, I could no longer work long hours. I couldn't plan for the future. Then I ended up having to be done with work at 22 weeks due to my preterm labor issues and ending up in the hospital. I had to go on bed rest. Then once the boys were born, I thought it best to take an extended leave of absence in order to keep them out of daycare during RSV and flu season.

As a result, my clients are gone, I've been replaced on what was left, our firm is suffering due to the horrible economy in Detroit and thus.. I am completely expendable. No one will miss me. I've never been "let go" or "laid off" from a job in my life. In fact.. the polar opposite. When I've given notice at my last couple of jobs before this, the reaction was.. why? What can we do to keep you? And here I am. In the worst economy since the depression, in the worst state in the country, in the worst town. And with three newborn babies to support.

Oh the irony.

It would be different if it were just me that I had to worry about but it's not. It's my husband, my babies, my dogs. Hell.. even my cleaning lady and baby sitter who depend on us for money.

I am trying to find a silver lining in this. That I'll be able to spend more time with my babies. Time with them being little that I'll never get back. Perhaps now I am guaranteed to be the one who is there to see them sit up for the first time, crawl for the first time and even walk for the first time. Perhaps now, I'll be the one who hears their first word instead of a daycare worker. Perhaps this is the way it's supposed to be, right? I did wait 35 years for the chance to do this. I did go through 2 years of heartbreak and fertility treatments to get here right? So this is my chance, right? No paycheck is worth it is it?

So why am I scared to death?