Monday, August 31, 2009
Ok..I have waited a really really long time to hear that. Really long. Who was it? Well.. it was none other than Alexander. The Alexgator. It made what was pretty much a really long crappy day totally worth breathing. And I am having trouble breathing today, let me tell you!
I am sicker than a dog right now. Sinus infection, cough, runny nose, watery eyes, pounding head, no sleep.. you name it. I went to a training class today at work and as they were setting up, the lady setting up the computer says..'gee Jen.. you look really tired and well.. out of it". Then I opened my mouth and revealed my sexy raspy (ok.. horse) voice and she goes.. ewww!!! You're sick! oh yeah. I really frankly don't remember the last time I felt this shitty. Yesterday, I was a total deadbeat parent. I was unfit to care for the boys. Today, I was "that person" at work who I cringe at. the person that should not have been at work and put others at risk to my plague. But the sad thing is.. first of all.. I only get so many sick days and I feel like I need to save them in case my nanny gets sick or the boys are so sick I need to take them to the Dr. And second.. I was seriously in no condition to take care of them again. Going to work was the easy way out.
So I muddled through a half day of report specs (high cost claimants and pharmacy data) and the second half of my day was spent on Diagnostic Cost Group'ers. ohhh the excitement! LOL And then I weathered my way on my hour commute. Got some shitty news along the way (but that's another post entirely). But I made it home to my three gorgeous, adorable, snotty nose, coughing love muffins.
Jeff started feeding them dinner tonight in the high chairs. I was talking to them as he was feeding. I went to leave the kitchen for a minute and when I turned my back to leave... Alex let out a blood curtling scream and twisted himself to follow me out of the room (that's a pretty normal occurance) and started yelling MAMA MAMMAMAMMA...
I know.. he's young. 10 months and not quite two weeks. But it seemed so...deliberate. Jeff and I both saw the look on his face and he knew what he was saying. This child is so smart that he scares us. Had it been Nate or Ben, I would have thought.. babbling. But Alex? He knows. They've all been babbling Dada for awhile now but this was the first time I have heard Mama.
Then, when we were putting them to bed. I was getting bibs and bottles organized standing at their dresser and he was fussying as he crawled over to me. Grabbed my pants leg and pulled up and he did it again.. mama mama mama...
Anyway.. it was quite the moment for me. Mama. I have waited to hear that for so long. It was such a moment. It made a sick miserable day A Ok.
ok.. I have to go cry again.
Monday, August 24, 2009
The house is sure alive with the sounds of babies these day! Or.. should I call them ‘pre-toddlers’? They boys are SO busy.
Benj…. Is crawling crawling crawling but still a bit slower than his two brothers. But make no mistake.. he can sure get around in lightening speed too! He loves to play with the toys. Loves both our Laugh and Learn and Leap Frog tables, the cruise and crawl jungle.. but most of all.. he LOVEs his inflatable roller and LOVE LOVE LOVES his jumperoo. I am seriously going to post a video of him in the jumperoo. He is HYSTERICAL. He gets going something wild. Whenever someone comes the house, we must have Ben put on his show for them! He is crazy pants in that thing!
He is really enjoying his finger foods and will eat pretty much whatever I put in front of him. He has SEVEN count them, seven teeth! Little piranha!!
And Ben has surprised me. Ben… is the most loving mama’s boy of the three. He is such an amazing cuddler. Loves to hug and be held. If you want a snuggle baby.. he’s it. It’s odd to say.. but Ben is the baby I think I felt least bonded with in the beginning. He had such awful reflux that Jeff was the only one who could stand to feed him for a good couple months. He was in such terrible pain that he would just scream and flail during every feed. My mom and I just couldn’t do it without crying. But the last couple months, wow.. he’s a total mama’s boy!! I love it! He is just a sweetheart. So good natured and loving. He really is an angel baby.
Na Nate. Yes.. that is what I call Nate 95% of the time. I just always say.. Na Nate! He too.. is the loving, good natured angel baby type. Sooo cuddly.. so sensitive! You can hurt Nate’s feelings very easily. The other day, I went to go get Alex to change him and I held out my arms to get Alex to reach for me, Nate was next to him. They both reached for me. I picked up Alex and Nate started crying so hard!! It was terrible!! Poor sweetheart! I had to go give him a kiss too. Nate and Ben are sooo much alike. But go figure.. they’re identical twins! But Nate is a bit more adventurous than Benj. He tries his best to keep up with Alex and usually does a pretty good job. He pulls up in his crib, pulls up on everything. Crawls everywhere. Fast! He also loves the jumperoo, learning tables and this standing piano thing we have. I don’t even know what the name is for all our toys!
He is my picky eater. He sure loves his cheerios and puffs, but really doesn’t want anything to do with eating other finger foods. Not like his piggy brothers! I always say.. he is going to be my peanut butter and jelly baby! He too, has SEVEN teeth!
Both Nate and Ben LOVE it when I sing to them. They are totally captive audience. We sing patty cake, itsy bitsy spider and the ABC song non stop. They love love love that patty cake song!
And then there is Alex. Alexgator. What a personality he has become. OMG. Alex was the first mama’s boy of the group. No one would do for him but me. And he was very vocal about that. He is my strongest personality for sure of the three. Now… Alex is way to adventurous and curious to be contained. You can’t keep a wave on the sand right? That’s Alex! He is EVERYWHERE. Don’t turn your head folks.. there goes the whirling dervish! Precocious is the word for Alex for sure. He loves to touch everything. Put everything in his mouth. He can crawl like lightening and when he reaches his destination, sitting and looking at it is not good enough. He wants to stand ON it. He took his first steps on his 10 month birthday. Three big steps between a chair and a couch. Clumsy yes.. but he sure did it!
He has six teeth and will eat anything and everything. He has a hollow leg I am sure. I can’t believe what he eats and he is still tall and skinny! He loves to hear stories and be talked to like he’s an adult. He high fives and points. He is non stop entertainment for sure!
But he does have a soft side too. Loves his pacifier, loves to be held. One look into those bright blue eyes and anyone would melt.
We are enjoying them so much. I hate putting them to bed every night. I want to keep them up! Of course, I wish they didn’t want to party by 5 am every day.. but the alternative.. a quiet house.. just would not seem right! We love it the way it is!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Those are a few of the words that have been running through my mind the last couple of days. It is just unfortunate that something awful had to happen to someone else to cause them to run through my mind.
One of the girls from my online infertility support group and subsequently, my multiples group suffered the unthinkable loss of one of her infant triplets.
I remember when I first found out I was expecting triplets. A whole gamit of emotions, thoughts, and fears ran through my mind those first few weeks.
Of course the most important thing is that I was finally pregnant with a pregnancy that had an actual chance to become a live baby and make my dreams come true of becoming a parent. That first ultrasound was the first one out of oh... 10-20 ultrasounds I had had while pregnant that actually looked like a viable pregnancy!! I was so relieved to have saw and heard A heartbeat let alone 3!!
So of course, that was the most important thing. But as soon as that was out of the way, the next emotion to hit me was sheer panic. Obviously when you do IVF, you must prepare yourself for multiples. And Jeff and I had those discussions. When we did the transfer, we decided to let our Dr. make the choice on how many to transfer. He choose 3 for a variety of reasons. My age, the fact that I can ONLY get pregnant with IVF, and that we had just had a failed (chemical pregnancy) IVF with two blasts of the same quality that we had this time. We agree to move forward with three. He gave us a 60% chance of success with a 10% chance that all three could stick. In the end, I guess I was just meant to have triplets. Two stuck, one split into identical twins. Honestly, really honestly... I was so down, out, and depressed that I hardly expected to get one baby out of that cycle. I had no faith, no hope really. Never in a million years did I think I would end up with triplets.
So the panic. How would I get these babies safely into the world? For them and me? Then... how would we fit them into our house? Could we afford all this? So so so many questions and worries. Hell.. I even had sleepless nights thinking about how the hell I was going to find three names I liked!
Of course we know how my story turned out. Aside from two hospitalizations totally 3 weeks, about 5 extra trips to Labor and delivery, birth at 33 and half weeks. My babies are perfect. And perfectly healthy. I came out of the delivery worse than they did! LOL
So.. why me? How did I get so lucky? I guess it's just one of those questions I will never know the answer to and that's ok. I can't question. I've definitely had my share of shit in this life and I can't question that either.
My only hope for the other triplet family is that they know only joy from here on out. It's time. They deserve it. Enough already. I hope that their other two babies continue to thrive and come home with their parents where they belong. That in time, they can ease the pain they feel now. They'll never forget the lost baby of course and even though there are two here on earth, they'll always be triplets. I can't imagine my trio minus one and I am sure they will always feel that way too. But honestly.. enough already. It's time for this family to have happiness.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
You really can’t.
Not your kids, husband, parents, friends, siblings, boss, coworkers, employees. Heck.. I am sure even my dogs would have something to bitch about if I had a yearly review with them!
But this topic really has me thinking and pondering my relationships and interactions with all of the people above since a good friendship pretty much came to an end this week over my insensitivity to others needs and what I am told is my lack of participation in it the last several months. That, coupled with my hesitation to try to jump head first back into this person’s life during a difficult situation because I wasn’t sure if I was still welcome. Me trying to feel out the situation to see if it was ok to talk to her was viewed as kicking them when they were down and inappropriate by the person in question and another mutual friend who was brought into the picture by said ex friend. And for all I know, everyone else who my email was forwarded to.
For the most part, I am a really logical person. I definitely know the difference between right and wrong. I think about most things before pretty thoroughly before I do them. Ok.. maybe not that time I went in the mall to return something and came out with a $1000 purse.. but you catch my drift. I’d really like to think that I do not do things to ever intentionally hurt the feelings of anyone I know. Actually no.. I KNOW I do not set out to hurt the feelings of anyone much less the people I care about. Am I perfect? Hell No. Do I always remember your anniversary, birthdays... Maybe not. But do I set out to hurt feelings or ignore people I love? No. I know I do not do that. I know when the words “I’m sorry” should come out of my mouth for sure.
I have had the same three best friends for more than 30 years. And the one who stands out even over the other two.. we always tell people that we’ve “been together since we were 2”. And the crazy part is, I have not lived in the same town with any of them for almost 17 years now. But yet, we’ve still maintained our relationships. Through moves all over the country, military service, marriages, divorce, broken engagements, kids, miscarriages, showers, deaths in our families. The fires are still burning. I’d really like to think there is a reason for that. I know how to be a good friend. Even though we might not talk to each other every day or even every week sometimes, I always know that I can ‘go home’ to them. And if one of them did have an issue with me, I know they would pull me aside and ask what the heck my problem was or where or where have I been? Am I alive and kicking still? I would get the benefit of the doubt and we would move on.
Like I said above, I was accused of being a bad friend for the last 7 months. The funny thing is, I completely agree! I didn’t dispute this fact at all and told the person I 100% agreed. But, If you know me, or you read this blog, then you know what I have been doing for the last 7 months. Suffice to say it has not been sitting on a Caribbean island sipping pina colada’s! Heck no.. in fact I haven’t left the state since May of 2008! LOL
So what have I been doing for the last 7 months in question????????? Well.. I’ve been slightly busy with those three little men I gave birth to last October. Oh.. and then throw in being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, losing my job, looking for another, dogs, house hunting, moving, unpacking, starting a new job, adding in two hours of commute time every day… well.. there you have it. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 7 months.
Some things had to give. Namely, it’s been anything I used to do for myself. Nails, hair, showers, working out, going to dinners with friends, chatting on the phone or computer….those things are either gone or few and far between. (yes..I shower daily for work now) But, I’d love for people to know how much time I actually spend just making formula every day or how many evenings after the babies are in bed require me to fold laundry, grocery shop, iron clothes and run other assorted errands before I collapse into bed by 11 and pray the boys don’t wake me up at some point before my day starts again at 5:30-6. I didn't just wake up one day and decide I had better things to do than be a good friend.
In fact, tonight marked the first night I went to dinner with friends since last July before I was put on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. Tonight was the first time I left Jeff alone to do the bedtime routine so I could go out for some fun.
I have had mixed emotions about what has happened this week. Of course I am sorry to lose a good friend. I am of the opinion that you can never have too many friends! But I really feel totally attacked for putting the focus of my life on my family for these last several months. And that cannot be helped. How could it? And I feel that this person also used me as a punching bag and took a lot of their current frustrations out on me in that several other unnecessary insults that were hurled at me. I cry wolf.. I don't step up, I don't thank her properly. Ok. So when I said thank you.. did I not mean it? Was there a certain amount of time in which I was supposed to repay all those good deeds? If so, I did not get that memo. And I don't remember the last time I did something nice for someone and expected repayment at all. But maybe that's just me.
But this has caused me to step back and ask myself, what could I have done differently?
Sure.. I could have made more of an effort to be involved in my friends lives. But this wouldn’t just go for the friend in question.. there are about 8 other people who could make the same claim on me. And this has prompted me to do some damage control with them and ask them if they feel the same way. I’ve gotten pretty much the same feedback from my other friends: no.. we don’t talk to you as much and while that’s a bummer, we know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing. One friend said to me that she hopes it changes of course and said that as her kids got older she definitely was able to re-enter normal society again. Another friend was quick to point out, that unless you’ve had multiples like we do, there is no way for anyone TO understand our lives. And yet another said that if she had a problem with me, then SHE should have acted like a real friend months ago and called me up and simply said “I miss you, let’s try to get together here soon and find a time to talk” instead of hurling insults at me and giving me no chance to save the friendship.
So, what’s done is done. You live you learn. Maybe the loss of one friend will save me from 3 more. Who knows. I just know that I am trying the best that I can to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, dog mommy, and employer. Some days I’ll succeed. Others.. probably not so much. But on the days where I don’t, it’s not intentional. Really it’s not.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Every time I leave the house for work, I have visions of something that happened when I was a nanny back in college. I took care of these two girls. One 18 months.. the other 5. I LOVED that baby. She was my baby. I swear. One day I had them at the pool club and their dad had to meet me there cause I had plans that night. I went to hand her to him and she would NOT go. Screamed bloody murder. I felt bad giving her to him. And then and there I thought... if that ever happens to me.. I'll die.
SO that is what I thought happened to me on Tuesday. Well.. my in laws are here for the weekend and this morning when I was feeding the boys, my mother in law walked out of the room and Alex followed! The same way he did to Julie the other day. phew. He is still a mama's boy!
That said, I do love my new job. It's what I want to do. It's what I like to do. I am slow right now learning the ropes, but eventually I'll be so busy the days will fly. I hate the drive, but eventually, I'll have great flexibility. All that and the job I was hoping to have but was in a hiring freeze when I was looking called me this week and said.. hey.. guess what? The hiring freeze is over.. want the job? Umm..... Great.
But that said.. how blessed am I to have had the job opportunities in this horrid town right now?
And our nanny.. she's the BEST. I LOVE her. Jeff went out of town this week for a few days and she spent the night! She's like.. I don't have anything else going on.. I'll hang out with you for the night! We got sushi...watched the Bachelorette... looked for bedding and bath stuff on the internet. It was fun for me too! I feel like maybe being her "friend" isn't right but she's fast becoming part of our family and I like it!
And the boys? oh boy oh boy. Our house is officially on lock down. They are EVERYWHERE. When I watch them crawl.. I just can't stand it. They are so freakin cute I could die. My mom and sisters and nieces were all here last week.. this weekend it's Jeff's family and of course everyone is falling all over themselves at the babies. And I've taken a couple of them to baby showers recently. Same there. I really do have the best babies. Of course everyone says that and rightfully so about their own kids. But my babies really are amazing. They are always happy and smiling. They sleep through the night. They are cuddlers. They are adorably cute. They play together and alone and have become so low maintence we sometimes forget they are there! HA!!
Most importatly, they are healthy. And I still can't believe they are mine!