Well..

I really hate that all of a sudden this blog seems to have become my place to vent. This is supposed to be the place the I record all of the goings on with the babies. After all, it did start out as an infertility blog. Lately, it's really become the place I go to because really.. I don't have another outlet right now.

I've said it over and over again. What a difference a year makes in ones life. And of course that can go for the better or for the worse. I always try to remind myself of that little saying when I am feeling at a crossroads with life.

Last year at this time, I was newly pregnant and had just found out that not only was I pregnant, but that it was triplets. I don't mean to belittle those of you who may read this blog who have given birth one at a time or even to twins. But triplets is well.. harder. Just as I am sure that the person who had quads could say to me.. girl.. if you only knew. The change that the pregnancy and birth of the triplets has brought to my life has been beyond my wildest dreams. I won't state the obvious changes. I am sure you can guess what it does to ones pocket book, sleep patterns, and decor of the house that is now filled with swings, excersaucers, and jumparoos. But, tomorrow, I am facing yet another repercussion of my infertility. I am losing my job.

Things were really going great for me at work when I found out I was pregnant. I had just got promoted, was happily plugging away on the two biggest clients we had and had a great relationship with everyone. Clients, management.. everyone. Then I found out I was pregnant with the triplets and all of a sudden, I could no longer work long hours. I couldn't plan for the future. Then I ended up having to be done with work at 22 weeks due to my preterm labor issues and ending up in the hospital. I had to go on bed rest. Then once the boys were born, I thought it best to take an extended leave of absence in order to keep them out of daycare during RSV and flu season.

As a result, my clients are gone, I've been replaced on what was left, our firm is suffering due to the horrible economy in Detroit and thus.. I am completely expendable. No one will miss me. I've never been "let go" or "laid off" from a job in my life. In fact.. the polar opposite. When I've given notice at my last couple of jobs before this, the reaction was.. why? What can we do to keep you? And here I am. In the worst economy since the depression, in the worst state in the country, in the worst town. And with three newborn babies to support.

Oh the irony.

It would be different if it were just me that I had to worry about but it's not. It's my husband, my babies, my dogs. Hell.. even my cleaning lady and baby sitter who depend on us for money.

I am trying to find a silver lining in this. That I'll be able to spend more time with my babies. Time with them being little that I'll never get back. Perhaps now I am guaranteed to be the one who is there to see them sit up for the first time, crawl for the first time and even walk for the first time. Perhaps now, I'll be the one who hears their first word instead of a daycare worker. Perhaps this is the way it's supposed to be, right? I did wait 35 years for the chance to do this. I did go through 2 years of heartbreak and fertility treatments to get here right? So this is my chance, right? No paycheck is worth it is it?

So why am I scared to death?

Someone shoot me.. please.

Honest to god.

Today is Saturday. So Jeff is home. We get done feeding the babies, I get them dressed.. get in to take a shower. Now.. I enjoy my Saturday and Sunday showers. Since he is here with my mom, I don't have to take a 2 minute shower. I can actually take a 10-15 minute one and wash my hair! And I look forward to washing my hair twice a week!! Jeff and my mom "get along". But this whole living situation has unfortunately tarnished the view each had of each other before she came to stay with us. We've had some really rough moments, but lately.. things had been going ok.

So.. while I am in the shower, I hear a door close - loudly. Not a slam.. but loudly. And I know it's my mom's door. I get out and it's still shut. So I look at Jeff and go.. huh? He says.. I was walking by from the babies room to our room and her door was cracked like 4 inches or so and I could see her in there naked and changing! So I shut it and I am not sorry I did. I don't need to see that.

I cringed.

I am pissed. Ok.. did you have to acknowledge it? My mom acts like a 10 year old on her best days and this is just going to piss her off and totally embarrass the crap out of her. I was like.. thanks a lot dude! Great way to start of the weekend when I already had a great enough week!
He immediately gets pissed and starts yelling at me again, that he is not sorry.

My mom goes downstairs. I talk to her like normal. She goes back upstairs with her cereal and shuts her bedroom door. Loudly.

Really. Can someone shoot me?

I had a rough week. Mentally. The boys are finally sleeping somewhat better and it's amazing what a little sleep can do for ones outlook on the day. But this house business was really getting the better of me. I was convinced we wouldn't hear from the bank in the near future, thus causing us to have to pay another $2500 for a nonhomestead fee if the house wasn't closed by May 1. Not to mention still being in this house locked up like sardines. But I had talked it out in my head that if it wasn't m'eant to be.. then it wasn't. You see.. we've resigned ourselves to the fact that we're going to have to forclose on our current house to get out of it. Whether you agree with it or not is not why I am blogging about it. And I don't care to hear how we're contributing to the mortgage meltdown in this country. I realize that, but I didn't start it and we won't be the ones who finish it either. It's a decision we feel we had to make for the sake of our growing by the day family. And in Detroit, selling the house you're in and even breaking even is not even a remote possibility for the indefinite future.

Then we hear on the house. All is well right? Well.....

I read over my leave papers from work. It says I return on May 1. I didn't realize it at the time, but May 1 is a Friday. So I think.. why would I go back on Friday. Monday makes more sense. And the daycare needs to know what my plan is. They could take more kids on Friday if mine are not there. It is there lively-hood after all.. so of course they want to know.

So I email my supervisor and the head of my department. Which day? No biggie.. just let me know. No response. I call both. No response. I am being ignored. Avoided. Coincidence? Let me also remind you all that my two biggest clients have dumped us and everything I would do the rest of the year no longer exists for me to go back to. And.. since I am on unpaid LOA, they are under no obligation to restore me to my previous role. Humm... what do I smell here?

Finally I get a one line email from my supervisor. The big boss is out of the office (which is bs cause I know he was in in the morning yesterday as my spies tell me) and he'll call me next week. So what I thought was a no brainer question has turned into "the boss will call you next week". Now there are two ways I can view this:

1. I am about to be layed off. Let go.. whatever.
2. I could never get a straight answer out of my boss when I sat three feet from him. All he would say is that "it's out of my hands, talk to big boss" and getting the time of the big boss is like an audience with the Holy Grail. When I was about to go out on maternity leave last summer.. I had emailed him.. called him.. gone into his office while he was there and could NOT. NOT get 3 minutes of his time even when it related to actual work I needed a decision on to move forward. When discussing the terms of my leave, I had to actually call our HR department in our Chicago office and have them call him to FORCE him to have the leave conversation with me. I kid not. I was ready to drop three babies and couldn't get his time.

So choose your option.

Either way, it leaves me worried and upset about my job. Me and the other million people in this area still hanging to their jobs by a thread. Do we still close on this new house and drain half of our savings on the down payment and moving to get into something we can actually live in? Some place we can be comfortable long term and with the school district, as we would never send them to the schools where we live now. Godforbid Jeff lose his job too..would we have possibly two forclosed houses to our name?

We really don't know what to do right now.

On the verge...

I think I am hormonal or something. I've been on the "verge" lately. True.. I did sort of snap on my mom and Jeff on Sunday after the no sleep night. I was like.. I need help around this house. And it's not going to get any better. Especially since I let our cleaning lady go on Monday. Am I insane? No.. we need the money. Anyway.. there's just been so much going on.

Then.. the other night, a couple of my old coworkers came by. It was great to see them, nice visit, but one of them was like.. so when do you think they will lay you off? I was like..huh? Do you know something I don't? True.. we're hurting right now and everyone is nervous, but would it necessarily be me who goes? Who knows!! So I was like.. gee.. thanks for putting these thoughts in my head as if I didn't already have them.

Of course then there is the house. It was over two weeks ago that we put the offer in and we've been waiting on the short sale approval. What I have learned in this is that it's soooo hard when you want something so bad for the good of your children and not be able to secure it. We're basically throwing our asses out the window to get this house because we need the space. But of course we have no control over it. There are so many factors that will go into getting this house but I've had to convince myself.. well.. maybe it isn't meant to be. And there was a sign from the universe.. my realtor called this afternoon and the bank approved it. I couldn't believe it! Now, we just have to formally apply for the loan and close. I am crossing my fingers that nothing.. NOTHING ELSE comes up to prolong this!

Ahhh Sleep...

Things are so much brighter when you've had more than 3 hours of broken sleep per night!

The boys teething was wrecking havoc on our whole house. OMG. How long is this going to go on? I started using Tylenol when I need to. Not sparingly or once a week like I the drug police. I've also started with the Hyland teething tablets and orajel. Seems to be helping.. and Sleep training!! Now.. I talk like my boys were horrible sleepers. But the reality is that they are not. The problem when you have three infants sharing a room is that say.. one of them wakes and wants their paci at 1:00 am.. you might not hear from that infant till 6 again. But if you have one that does it at 1, another at 2, and yet another at 3.. and then one who was born at 3 pounds and change that still can't make it through the night without a bottle screaming for it at 4... well.. it all adds up to NO SLEEP FOR MOM!!

The other thing that was really starting to wear on me was the napping issue. Again.. when you have three.. getting them to nap at the same time is like trying to climb Mt. Everest. Nearly impossible. And you can't really sleep train a 3 month old preemie. So you do what you have to and accept the fact that you will always be carrying around a baby during the waking hours.

So this week, I put the Baby Whisperer into full effect. They boys actually go down to sleep at night like a dream. We feed them, put them in the crib and boom.. down they go. So when they wake now..we only sooth. I won't feed them until at the very earliest 4 am. And I am going to stretch it more every night. Today.. it was 6:30 am!! YAHOO. I think once they start daycare and have to rise and be out of the house earlier, it will completely eliminate the need for the early early am feed. And naps.. for the last three days, I put them down at 10:30 and again at 2pm. And I leave them there for at least one hour in the morning and 90 minutes in the afternoon. It's working. There is some crying, but it's really happening!

It hit me today that I only have two more weeks of full time at home with the boys. I can't believe it's almost over. All the complaining and crying that I've done when I have felt overwhelmed.. now i feel awful and I am going to miss my babies every day.

This sucks.