I am a total blog slacker.
GAWD I have been b.u.s.y.
Towards the end of September, we really swung into high gear trying to get the house ready for the boys 1st birthday party. That meant painting and organizing and shopping and planning. And in the end, we only got two rooms out of the 4 we wanted done. And we didn't even get to the hall either.
I was also getting ready to sell in the my first mom to mom sale. I only made about $400. That was a big disappointment to me and I won't sell in that sale again. It was SO much work getting ready for it, but on the up side.. Melissa and I got out of our houses for some adult time!
Then there was the BIG party!! OH BOY. My boys are 1!! I lived through it and I can't believe it! Of course they were all sick for the big day and there was some drama leading up to it with certain family members. But that's pretty much typical in the Johnson/LaLonde families. And the weather did NOT cooperate. We had planned to have it outside in a big tent, but it was way to cold. I was soooo nervous about having that many people in my house. But, in the end, it all went beautifully! We had about 60 people with the kids and my house held up fabulously. I had SO much food. After it was over I was like.. did anyone eat? LOL There were so many wonderful things about the day. The boys were amazing and LOVED their smash cakes. My best friend in the world drove 7 hours to be here with her 4 kids, as did my mom and grandma. All of Jeff's best friends came down from Midland and Bay City. We are so honored all of these people drove for hours to help us celebrate our miracles!
And since the party, we've all been sick, there's been Halloween parties, pictures... so much going on.
But what sat me down tonight finally? I really needed a place to just write out some feelings. I hate that I most feel compelled to blog when I am upset or something has royally pissed me off. But, it is what it is. And tonight, I am just heartbroken for a friend whose baby was just diagnosed with a horrible life debilitating and threatening disease called CIPO. Chronic Intestinal Pseudo Obstruction.
http://www.nationwidechildrens.org/GD/Templates/Pages/Childrens/GI/GILongContent.aspx?page=1748
CIPO is also very rare.. affecting like 1 out of like a million children.
The friend is a 'virtual' friend who I know through a chat board of women with multiples. It's an amazing group of girls and I've become so attached to them. And sadly, this is the second baby in our group that has been diagnosed with this condition this year. I've talked to a couple friends in the medical field and they can't believe that not only have I have heard of this disease and know what it is, but that I actually know of TWO babies with it in our small group of about 100 women.
The first baby, J.. is somewhat stable now after many many hospitalizations. But still has chronic pain. His mother was a great comfort to me in the early days of my pregnancy when we thought Ben and Nate might be mono amniotic. And then again when Ben was diagnosed with reflux. J and his brother were and she was by default.. an expert in the conditions and now, she is an expert on CIPO. She is remarkable. I think of her and her family every hour or every day. When J was finally diagnosed back in May, I was MIA due to the move, boys being sick, losing my job.. all that shit. I really feel a huge pit of guilt for not being there to be more supportive. If only thoughts and prayers were enough. Thank goodness J is stable right now, but many many tests and a very long road is still ahead for him.
And now.. poor baby G has been diagnosed with CIPO. And he is very.. well.. not stable. In fact, it's been one thing after another for this poor child and his family. When I read his mother's most recent post this afternoon, I literally lost it at my desk and had to go for a walk. Baby G has the sweetest face you could imagine and I can't bare to look at it knowing how sick he is.
I've had to ask myself tonight.. why am I so upset by this? I don't know this child or his mother other than over the computer. I think I have concluded that A) I am also the mother of young boys only a couple months older than G and a couple months younger than J. B) It's human nature to feel bad for a sick baby C) Having dealt with Ben's awful reflux and the hospitalization of all three of my boys at the same time last winter and knowing how upset and scary both of those situations were to me and my husband, I just can NOT fathom escalating those circumstances to what these mothers are dealing with.
It takes my breath away and knocks me on my knees. It makes me very angry with the powers that be. How can these babies be suffering so? How? Why?
I don't consider myself particularly religious. Although, I am catholic, did attend church regularly and probably will again when I can.. I consider myself more spiritual. Since this has all started with baby G, I find myself praying non stop for him. Several times a day.
So.. if you read this and you pray.. or you talk to some other higher power not of this earth.. pray for baby G and baby J. They need all the help they can get right now.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
The World According to Facebook
I looked up the definition of Facebook today.
Here is what Wikipedia has to say:Facebook is an American social networking website that is operated and privately owned by Facebook, Inc.[1] Users can add friends and send them messages, and update their personal profiles to notify friends about themselves. Additionally, users can join networks organized by city, workplace, school, and region.As far as I know.. It's intent is to be "friends" with people you are actually friends with or those you don't get to keep up with as much as you would like.
What it does not say is that Facebook is a place where those you are "friends" with should go to get ammunition to bitch and gossip about you. It does not say you should be or stay "friends" with those people you've had a falling out with or those commiserating with the person you've had the falling out with.
So you can probably guess where this post is going. I de-friended someone on Facebook. Someone who made it clear to me that they did not care to continue a friendship with me. Someone who.. as it came to my attention.. was making me the subject of some gossiping and mocking.
From what I am told, I royally pissed them, or at least her..off. Pissed her off to the point that this person actually made me the subject of her Facebook status ranting about how immature I am and that I need to GROW UP and continued the rant in a rather lenghty wall post. All because I defriended them and some other people associated with her.
Here is my question: Why on earth does this person feel she is still entitled to have access to my life and the lives of my family if she has made it clear to me she does not wish to continue our friendship? Why does she CARE to have access to a Facebook page of someone she hasn't seen in months and no longer speaks to???
I am VERY confused by this.
When we had our falling out, I was told how much I suck as a friend and human in many many different ways. Of course all of our mutual friends don't know everything she said to me because I didn't forward her emails to everyone we mutually know. And this is someone who I should allow continued access to my life AND the lives of my children????? Seriously??? It took these girls less than 24 hours to figure out I deleted them. So that really tells me I did the right thing. If someone deleted me... I would have no freakin clue. None. Unless I was constantly checking on them and their page.
I really refuse to leave myself or my family open to this degree of high school bullshit.
To say I am very disappointed in this person is an understatement. My first reaction to our falling out was to delete her off right then and there. But I didn't because I think there was part of me that was hoping it would blow over and we would be friends again. But it just hasn't. I did really enjoy my friendship with her and was sorry to see it end. I think I am still in a bit of shock that it mainly came to an end over the fact that my life has been completely chaotic this year and I really had no time for friendships. Any friendships. And for my part, I said if she couldn't understand that, it's best that we part ways now. I can't be the friend she obviously needs. I am not a stay at home mom with one child. You can't compare apples and oranges. Enough said.
So back to the reality of where we are at. To add to the list of insults that were hurled at me before, now I can add the list from the FB rant that took place the other night. I am immature for deleting her and her friends and..... last but not least.. I need to GROW UP.
Really? I need to grow up? Wasn't she the one forwarding my emails to god only knows how many people last month when we were hashing this out? And isn't she the one who set her FB status to a completely idiotic rant about me and would let it die on the wall? What is ironic is that apparently I am the 4th person to delete her off FB in the last month or so. I have to wonder if I am the only one of the 4 that pissed her off enough to get my own status update and wall post on her page? And if I am the 4th person, then perhaps it's time to think about why that might be. All 4 of us can't be immature can we? Do all 4 of us need to grow up?
The last thing I am going to say on this subject is... NO. You are absolutely NOT entitled to nor do I owe you any kind of access to my life and the lives of my husband and children. My Facebook page is just that. MINE. The place I chat with my family and friends. The place where I upload photo's of my children so I can keep up with friends near and far. And if I have a bad day and I want to vent about it on my page or whatever the hell I want to do, I want to do so without having to worry that someone out there is reading it and using it against me or as their fucking entertainment for the day. It's fucking Facebook. Does it really mean that much to you to be on my page?? Someone you can't stand?? There isn't one part of me that thinks I did the wrong thing. In fact, you proved that I did the right thing and should have done it sooner.
And if you still feel this entitlement to my life, then telling you to grow up... well that is the least of your problems.
Here is what Wikipedia has to say:Facebook is an American social networking website that is operated and privately owned by Facebook, Inc.[1] Users can add friends and send them messages, and update their personal profiles to notify friends about themselves. Additionally, users can join networks organized by city, workplace, school, and region.As far as I know.. It's intent is to be "friends" with people you are actually friends with or those you don't get to keep up with as much as you would like.
What it does not say is that Facebook is a place where those you are "friends" with should go to get ammunition to bitch and gossip about you. It does not say you should be or stay "friends" with those people you've had a falling out with or those commiserating with the person you've had the falling out with.
So you can probably guess where this post is going. I de-friended someone on Facebook. Someone who made it clear to me that they did not care to continue a friendship with me. Someone who.. as it came to my attention.. was making me the subject of some gossiping and mocking.
From what I am told, I royally pissed them, or at least her..off. Pissed her off to the point that this person actually made me the subject of her Facebook status ranting about how immature I am and that I need to GROW UP and continued the rant in a rather lenghty wall post. All because I defriended them and some other people associated with her.
Here is my question: Why on earth does this person feel she is still entitled to have access to my life and the lives of my family if she has made it clear to me she does not wish to continue our friendship? Why does she CARE to have access to a Facebook page of someone she hasn't seen in months and no longer speaks to???
I am VERY confused by this.
When we had our falling out, I was told how much I suck as a friend and human in many many different ways. Of course all of our mutual friends don't know everything she said to me because I didn't forward her emails to everyone we mutually know. And this is someone who I should allow continued access to my life AND the lives of my children????? Seriously??? It took these girls less than 24 hours to figure out I deleted them. So that really tells me I did the right thing. If someone deleted me... I would have no freakin clue. None. Unless I was constantly checking on them and their page.
I really refuse to leave myself or my family open to this degree of high school bullshit.
To say I am very disappointed in this person is an understatement. My first reaction to our falling out was to delete her off right then and there. But I didn't because I think there was part of me that was hoping it would blow over and we would be friends again. But it just hasn't. I did really enjoy my friendship with her and was sorry to see it end. I think I am still in a bit of shock that it mainly came to an end over the fact that my life has been completely chaotic this year and I really had no time for friendships. Any friendships. And for my part, I said if she couldn't understand that, it's best that we part ways now. I can't be the friend she obviously needs. I am not a stay at home mom with one child. You can't compare apples and oranges. Enough said.
So back to the reality of where we are at. To add to the list of insults that were hurled at me before, now I can add the list from the FB rant that took place the other night. I am immature for deleting her and her friends and..... last but not least.. I need to GROW UP.
Really? I need to grow up? Wasn't she the one forwarding my emails to god only knows how many people last month when we were hashing this out? And isn't she the one who set her FB status to a completely idiotic rant about me and would let it die on the wall? What is ironic is that apparently I am the 4th person to delete her off FB in the last month or so. I have to wonder if I am the only one of the 4 that pissed her off enough to get my own status update and wall post on her page? And if I am the 4th person, then perhaps it's time to think about why that might be. All 4 of us can't be immature can we? Do all 4 of us need to grow up?
The last thing I am going to say on this subject is... NO. You are absolutely NOT entitled to nor do I owe you any kind of access to my life and the lives of my husband and children. My Facebook page is just that. MINE. The place I chat with my family and friends. The place where I upload photo's of my children so I can keep up with friends near and far. And if I have a bad day and I want to vent about it on my page or whatever the hell I want to do, I want to do so without having to worry that someone out there is reading it and using it against me or as their fucking entertainment for the day. It's fucking Facebook. Does it really mean that much to you to be on my page?? Someone you can't stand?? There isn't one part of me that thinks I did the wrong thing. In fact, you proved that I did the right thing and should have done it sooner.
And if you still feel this entitlement to my life, then telling you to grow up... well that is the least of your problems.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Mama
That's me!!!
Ok..I have waited a really really long time to hear that. Really long. Who was it? Well.. it was none other than Alexander. The Alexgator. It made what was pretty much a really long crappy day totally worth breathing. And I am having trouble breathing today, let me tell you!
I am sicker than a dog right now. Sinus infection, cough, runny nose, watery eyes, pounding head, no sleep.. you name it. I went to a training class today at work and as they were setting up, the lady setting up the computer says..'gee Jen.. you look really tired and well.. out of it". Then I opened my mouth and revealed my sexy raspy (ok.. horse) voice and she goes.. ewww!!! You're sick! oh yeah. I really frankly don't remember the last time I felt this shitty. Yesterday, I was a total deadbeat parent. I was unfit to care for the boys. Today, I was "that person" at work who I cringe at. the person that should not have been at work and put others at risk to my plague. But the sad thing is.. first of all.. I only get so many sick days and I feel like I need to save them in case my nanny gets sick or the boys are so sick I need to take them to the Dr. And second.. I was seriously in no condition to take care of them again. Going to work was the easy way out.
So I muddled through a half day of report specs (high cost claimants and pharmacy data) and the second half of my day was spent on Diagnostic Cost Group'ers. ohhh the excitement! LOL And then I weathered my way on my hour commute. Got some shitty news along the way (but that's another post entirely). But I made it home to my three gorgeous, adorable, snotty nose, coughing love muffins.
Jeff started feeding them dinner tonight in the high chairs. I was talking to them as he was feeding. I went to leave the kitchen for a minute and when I turned my back to leave... Alex let out a blood curtling scream and twisted himself to follow me out of the room (that's a pretty normal occurance) and started yelling MAMA MAMMAMAMMA...
I know.. he's young. 10 months and not quite two weeks. But it seemed so...deliberate. Jeff and I both saw the look on his face and he knew what he was saying. This child is so smart that he scares us. Had it been Nate or Ben, I would have thought.. babbling. But Alex? He knows. They've all been babbling Dada for awhile now but this was the first time I have heard Mama.
Then, when we were putting them to bed. I was getting bibs and bottles organized standing at their dresser and he was fussying as he crawled over to me. Grabbed my pants leg and pulled up and he did it again.. mama mama mama...
Anyway.. it was quite the moment for me. Mama. I have waited to hear that for so long. It was such a moment. It made a sick miserable day A Ok.
ok.. I have to go cry again.
Ok..I have waited a really really long time to hear that. Really long. Who was it? Well.. it was none other than Alexander. The Alexgator. It made what was pretty much a really long crappy day totally worth breathing. And I am having trouble breathing today, let me tell you!
I am sicker than a dog right now. Sinus infection, cough, runny nose, watery eyes, pounding head, no sleep.. you name it. I went to a training class today at work and as they were setting up, the lady setting up the computer says..'gee Jen.. you look really tired and well.. out of it". Then I opened my mouth and revealed my sexy raspy (ok.. horse) voice and she goes.. ewww!!! You're sick! oh yeah. I really frankly don't remember the last time I felt this shitty. Yesterday, I was a total deadbeat parent. I was unfit to care for the boys. Today, I was "that person" at work who I cringe at. the person that should not have been at work and put others at risk to my plague. But the sad thing is.. first of all.. I only get so many sick days and I feel like I need to save them in case my nanny gets sick or the boys are so sick I need to take them to the Dr. And second.. I was seriously in no condition to take care of them again. Going to work was the easy way out.
So I muddled through a half day of report specs (high cost claimants and pharmacy data) and the second half of my day was spent on Diagnostic Cost Group'ers. ohhh the excitement! LOL And then I weathered my way on my hour commute. Got some shitty news along the way (but that's another post entirely). But I made it home to my three gorgeous, adorable, snotty nose, coughing love muffins.
Jeff started feeding them dinner tonight in the high chairs. I was talking to them as he was feeding. I went to leave the kitchen for a minute and when I turned my back to leave... Alex let out a blood curtling scream and twisted himself to follow me out of the room (that's a pretty normal occurance) and started yelling MAMA MAMMAMAMMA...
I know.. he's young. 10 months and not quite two weeks. But it seemed so...deliberate. Jeff and I both saw the look on his face and he knew what he was saying. This child is so smart that he scares us. Had it been Nate or Ben, I would have thought.. babbling. But Alex? He knows. They've all been babbling Dada for awhile now but this was the first time I have heard Mama.
Then, when we were putting them to bed. I was getting bibs and bottles organized standing at their dresser and he was fussying as he crawled over to me. Grabbed my pants leg and pulled up and he did it again.. mama mama mama...
Anyway.. it was quite the moment for me. Mama. I have waited to hear that for so long. It was such a moment. It made a sick miserable day A Ok.
ok.. I have to go cry again.
Monday, August 24, 2009
10 months!!
I can’t really believe that 10 months has FLOWN by this fast. Everyone always says that your children grow up to fast and man.. they were not kidding!
The house is sure alive with the sounds of babies these day! Or.. should I call them ‘pre-toddlers’? They boys are SO busy.
Benj…. Is crawling crawling crawling but still a bit slower than his two brothers. But make no mistake.. he can sure get around in lightening speed too! He loves to play with the toys. Loves both our Laugh and Learn and Leap Frog tables, the cruise and crawl jungle.. but most of all.. he LOVEs his inflatable roller and LOVE LOVE LOVES his jumperoo. I am seriously going to post a video of him in the jumperoo. He is HYSTERICAL. He gets going something wild. Whenever someone comes the house, we must have Ben put on his show for them! He is crazy pants in that thing!
He is really enjoying his finger foods and will eat pretty much whatever I put in front of him. He has SEVEN count them, seven teeth! Little piranha!!
And Ben has surprised me. Ben… is the most loving mama’s boy of the three. He is such an amazing cuddler. Loves to hug and be held. If you want a snuggle baby.. he’s it. It’s odd to say.. but Ben is the baby I think I felt least bonded with in the beginning. He had such awful reflux that Jeff was the only one who could stand to feed him for a good couple months. He was in such terrible pain that he would just scream and flail during every feed. My mom and I just couldn’t do it without crying. But the last couple months, wow.. he’s a total mama’s boy!! I love it! He is just a sweetheart. So good natured and loving. He really is an angel baby.
Na Nate. Yes.. that is what I call Nate 95% of the time. I just always say.. Na Nate! He too.. is the loving, good natured angel baby type. Sooo cuddly.. so sensitive! You can hurt Nate’s feelings very easily. The other day, I went to go get Alex to change him and I held out my arms to get Alex to reach for me, Nate was next to him. They both reached for me. I picked up Alex and Nate started crying so hard!! It was terrible!! Poor sweetheart! I had to go give him a kiss too. Nate and Ben are sooo much alike. But go figure.. they’re identical twins! But Nate is a bit more adventurous than Benj. He tries his best to keep up with Alex and usually does a pretty good job. He pulls up in his crib, pulls up on everything. Crawls everywhere. Fast! He also loves the jumperoo, learning tables and this standing piano thing we have. I don’t even know what the name is for all our toys!
He is my picky eater. He sure loves his cheerios and puffs, but really doesn’t want anything to do with eating other finger foods. Not like his piggy brothers! I always say.. he is going to be my peanut butter and jelly baby! He too, has SEVEN teeth!
Both Nate and Ben LOVE it when I sing to them. They are totally captive audience. We sing patty cake, itsy bitsy spider and the ABC song non stop. They love love love that patty cake song!
And then there is Alex. Alexgator. What a personality he has become. OMG. Alex was the first mama’s boy of the group. No one would do for him but me. And he was very vocal about that. He is my strongest personality for sure of the three. Now… Alex is way to adventurous and curious to be contained. You can’t keep a wave on the sand right? That’s Alex! He is EVERYWHERE. Don’t turn your head folks.. there goes the whirling dervish! Precocious is the word for Alex for sure. He loves to touch everything. Put everything in his mouth. He can crawl like lightening and when he reaches his destination, sitting and looking at it is not good enough. He wants to stand ON it. He took his first steps on his 10 month birthday. Three big steps between a chair and a couch. Clumsy yes.. but he sure did it!
He has six teeth and will eat anything and everything. He has a hollow leg I am sure. I can’t believe what he eats and he is still tall and skinny! He loves to hear stories and be talked to like he’s an adult. He high fives and points. He is non stop entertainment for sure!
But he does have a soft side too. Loves his pacifier, loves to be held. One look into those bright blue eyes and anyone would melt.
We are enjoying them so much. I hate putting them to bed every night. I want to keep them up! Of course, I wish they didn’t want to party by 5 am every day.. but the alternative.. a quiet house.. just would not seem right! We love it the way it is!
The house is sure alive with the sounds of babies these day! Or.. should I call them ‘pre-toddlers’? They boys are SO busy.
Benj…. Is crawling crawling crawling but still a bit slower than his two brothers. But make no mistake.. he can sure get around in lightening speed too! He loves to play with the toys. Loves both our Laugh and Learn and Leap Frog tables, the cruise and crawl jungle.. but most of all.. he LOVEs his inflatable roller and LOVE LOVE LOVES his jumperoo. I am seriously going to post a video of him in the jumperoo. He is HYSTERICAL. He gets going something wild. Whenever someone comes the house, we must have Ben put on his show for them! He is crazy pants in that thing!
He is really enjoying his finger foods and will eat pretty much whatever I put in front of him. He has SEVEN count them, seven teeth! Little piranha!!
And Ben has surprised me. Ben… is the most loving mama’s boy of the three. He is such an amazing cuddler. Loves to hug and be held. If you want a snuggle baby.. he’s it. It’s odd to say.. but Ben is the baby I think I felt least bonded with in the beginning. He had such awful reflux that Jeff was the only one who could stand to feed him for a good couple months. He was in such terrible pain that he would just scream and flail during every feed. My mom and I just couldn’t do it without crying. But the last couple months, wow.. he’s a total mama’s boy!! I love it! He is just a sweetheart. So good natured and loving. He really is an angel baby.
Na Nate. Yes.. that is what I call Nate 95% of the time. I just always say.. Na Nate! He too.. is the loving, good natured angel baby type. Sooo cuddly.. so sensitive! You can hurt Nate’s feelings very easily. The other day, I went to go get Alex to change him and I held out my arms to get Alex to reach for me, Nate was next to him. They both reached for me. I picked up Alex and Nate started crying so hard!! It was terrible!! Poor sweetheart! I had to go give him a kiss too. Nate and Ben are sooo much alike. But go figure.. they’re identical twins! But Nate is a bit more adventurous than Benj. He tries his best to keep up with Alex and usually does a pretty good job. He pulls up in his crib, pulls up on everything. Crawls everywhere. Fast! He also loves the jumperoo, learning tables and this standing piano thing we have. I don’t even know what the name is for all our toys!
He is my picky eater. He sure loves his cheerios and puffs, but really doesn’t want anything to do with eating other finger foods. Not like his piggy brothers! I always say.. he is going to be my peanut butter and jelly baby! He too, has SEVEN teeth!
Both Nate and Ben LOVE it when I sing to them. They are totally captive audience. We sing patty cake, itsy bitsy spider and the ABC song non stop. They love love love that patty cake song!
And then there is Alex. Alexgator. What a personality he has become. OMG. Alex was the first mama’s boy of the group. No one would do for him but me. And he was very vocal about that. He is my strongest personality for sure of the three. Now… Alex is way to adventurous and curious to be contained. You can’t keep a wave on the sand right? That’s Alex! He is EVERYWHERE. Don’t turn your head folks.. there goes the whirling dervish! Precocious is the word for Alex for sure. He loves to touch everything. Put everything in his mouth. He can crawl like lightening and when he reaches his destination, sitting and looking at it is not good enough. He wants to stand ON it. He took his first steps on his 10 month birthday. Three big steps between a chair and a couch. Clumsy yes.. but he sure did it!
He has six teeth and will eat anything and everything. He has a hollow leg I am sure. I can’t believe what he eats and he is still tall and skinny! He loves to hear stories and be talked to like he’s an adult. He high fives and points. He is non stop entertainment for sure!
But he does have a soft side too. Loves his pacifier, loves to be held. One look into those bright blue eyes and anyone would melt.
We are enjoying them so much. I hate putting them to bed every night. I want to keep them up! Of course, I wish they didn’t want to party by 5 am every day.. but the alternative.. a quiet house.. just would not seem right! We love it the way it is!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Thankful
Thankful. Blessed.
Lucky.
Those are a few of the words that have been running through my mind the last couple of days. It is just unfortunate that something awful had to happen to someone else to cause them to run through my mind.
One of the girls from my online infertility support group and subsequently, my multiples group suffered the unthinkable loss of one of her infant triplets.
I remember when I first found out I was expecting triplets. A whole gamit of emotions, thoughts, and fears ran through my mind those first few weeks.
Of course the most important thing is that I was finally pregnant with a pregnancy that had an actual chance to become a live baby and make my dreams come true of becoming a parent. That first ultrasound was the first one out of oh... 10-20 ultrasounds I had had while pregnant that actually looked like a viable pregnancy!! I was so relieved to have saw and heard A heartbeat let alone 3!!
So of course, that was the most important thing. But as soon as that was out of the way, the next emotion to hit me was sheer panic. Obviously when you do IVF, you must prepare yourself for multiples. And Jeff and I had those discussions. When we did the transfer, we decided to let our Dr. make the choice on how many to transfer. He choose 3 for a variety of reasons. My age, the fact that I can ONLY get pregnant with IVF, and that we had just had a failed (chemical pregnancy) IVF with two blasts of the same quality that we had this time. We agree to move forward with three. He gave us a 60% chance of success with a 10% chance that all three could stick. In the end, I guess I was just meant to have triplets. Two stuck, one split into identical twins. Honestly, really honestly... I was so down, out, and depressed that I hardly expected to get one baby out of that cycle. I had no faith, no hope really. Never in a million years did I think I would end up with triplets.
So the panic. How would I get these babies safely into the world? For them and me? Then... how would we fit them into our house? Could we afford all this? So so so many questions and worries. Hell.. I even had sleepless nights thinking about how the hell I was going to find three names I liked!
Of course we know how my story turned out. Aside from two hospitalizations totally 3 weeks, about 5 extra trips to Labor and delivery, birth at 33 and half weeks. My babies are perfect. And perfectly healthy. I came out of the delivery worse than they did! LOL
So.. why me? How did I get so lucky? I guess it's just one of those questions I will never know the answer to and that's ok. I can't question. I've definitely had my share of shit in this life and I can't question that either.
My only hope for the other triplet family is that they know only joy from here on out. It's time. They deserve it. Enough already. I hope that their other two babies continue to thrive and come home with their parents where they belong. That in time, they can ease the pain they feel now. They'll never forget the lost baby of course and even though there are two here on earth, they'll always be triplets. I can't imagine my trio minus one and I am sure they will always feel that way too. But honestly.. enough already. It's time for this family to have happiness.
Lucky.
Those are a few of the words that have been running through my mind the last couple of days. It is just unfortunate that something awful had to happen to someone else to cause them to run through my mind.
One of the girls from my online infertility support group and subsequently, my multiples group suffered the unthinkable loss of one of her infant triplets.
I remember when I first found out I was expecting triplets. A whole gamit of emotions, thoughts, and fears ran through my mind those first few weeks.
Of course the most important thing is that I was finally pregnant with a pregnancy that had an actual chance to become a live baby and make my dreams come true of becoming a parent. That first ultrasound was the first one out of oh... 10-20 ultrasounds I had had while pregnant that actually looked like a viable pregnancy!! I was so relieved to have saw and heard A heartbeat let alone 3!!
So of course, that was the most important thing. But as soon as that was out of the way, the next emotion to hit me was sheer panic. Obviously when you do IVF, you must prepare yourself for multiples. And Jeff and I had those discussions. When we did the transfer, we decided to let our Dr. make the choice on how many to transfer. He choose 3 for a variety of reasons. My age, the fact that I can ONLY get pregnant with IVF, and that we had just had a failed (chemical pregnancy) IVF with two blasts of the same quality that we had this time. We agree to move forward with three. He gave us a 60% chance of success with a 10% chance that all three could stick. In the end, I guess I was just meant to have triplets. Two stuck, one split into identical twins. Honestly, really honestly... I was so down, out, and depressed that I hardly expected to get one baby out of that cycle. I had no faith, no hope really. Never in a million years did I think I would end up with triplets.
So the panic. How would I get these babies safely into the world? For them and me? Then... how would we fit them into our house? Could we afford all this? So so so many questions and worries. Hell.. I even had sleepless nights thinking about how the hell I was going to find three names I liked!
Of course we know how my story turned out. Aside from two hospitalizations totally 3 weeks, about 5 extra trips to Labor and delivery, birth at 33 and half weeks. My babies are perfect. And perfectly healthy. I came out of the delivery worse than they did! LOL
So.. why me? How did I get so lucky? I guess it's just one of those questions I will never know the answer to and that's ok. I can't question. I've definitely had my share of shit in this life and I can't question that either.
My only hope for the other triplet family is that they know only joy from here on out. It's time. They deserve it. Enough already. I hope that their other two babies continue to thrive and come home with their parents where they belong. That in time, they can ease the pain they feel now. They'll never forget the lost baby of course and even though there are two here on earth, they'll always be triplets. I can't imagine my trio minus one and I am sure they will always feel that way too. But honestly.. enough already. It's time for this family to have happiness.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Baby Gate 2009
I know.. serious title hey? LOL But.. this is pretty much the look of our house these days. LOCK DOWN.
The boys are M.O.B.I.L.E. They are everywhere. It's just so exciting and fascinating to watch them. Together and on their own. They play together for a bit and then inevitibly, they wander off. The family room in our new house is one big ole nursery. We have couch (soon to be brand new sectional) a leather lazy boy, and a plasma TV mounted on the wall with a stand underneath it that holds our dvd, cable box ect. And that is it. Other than baby stuff that is! There are still two pack n plays, two jumperoos, one excersaucer and 1000 toys and mounting every day. And I love it! And that is quite the thing for me to say. Let me just say, anyone who has been to my house knows I am slightly obsessive compulsive. I have been compared to Monica from Friends before. Not that I am scrubbing my floors every night, BUT.. I am sooo tidy. I HATE it when things are out of place and I HATE HATE HATE clutter. I swear it makes me twitch. So the fact that I am able to leave these toys strewn about is a break through for me! But it's all about those three little men. They are such the sun the moon.. the stars..
Besides crawling all over, they are pulling up on everything. Especially Alex. He is not content to mearly kneel or sit by anything. Nope. He hits his desitnation and climbs up whatever is there for him to grab on to. Ben and Nate are also doing it but are not quite the pros that Alex is. Alex the Explorer. Speaking of middle names.. here are a few we call the boys and their recent 9 month check in stats:
Alex. Alias':
Alexgator
Animal
Alex the Explorer
Alejandro
A-Jo
Boo Boo
Weighed in at 19 pounds 2 ounces. 28 and 3/4th inches
Ben: AKA:
Benstigator
Benj
Bug
Bugaboo
Benny
Benja-man
Doodle-bug
Ben THA Man
Weighed in at 18 pounds 5 ounces, 28 inces
Nate: AKA:
Termi-nate-or (get it? LOL)
Nate D
Na Nate
Natey
Boo Boo Boo
Luv bug
Weighed in at 19 pounds ounces, 28 inces.
So the boys all fall between the 10 and 30th percentiles. Still little men but right on track!
They are eating great! In fact.. they are eating us out of house and home! I just cannot WAIT to see my grocery bill when they are 16. Holy moly. They are doing great with the finger foods. So far they've had all the stage 3 foods, puff, cheerios, pancakes, cheese, blueberries, watermelon, waffles.. and I feel like there are things I am missing! But.. they are getting the hang of it. I hope they will be moving to more people food soon. This baby food is SO expensive. But what isn't expensive about triplets right? LOL
Yeah.. $40 a week in diapers, $50 a week for formula ( THANK YOU SAMS CLUB) and I would say we are going through about $30 a week in baby food right now. So.. about $480 a month. Oh.. and then there is my nanny... But then I look at them and it's like.. huh? what money? YOU"RE SO STINKIN CUTE!
Anyway.. I gotta hit the sack. 5:30 comes way to fast!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
You Can't Please Everyone...
You really can’t.
Not your kids, husband, parents, friends, siblings, boss, coworkers, employees. Heck.. I am sure even my dogs would have something to bitch about if I had a yearly review with them!
But this topic really has me thinking and pondering my relationships and interactions with all of the people above since a good friendship pretty much came to an end this week over my insensitivity to others needs and what I am told is my lack of participation in it the last several months. That, coupled with my hesitation to try to jump head first back into this person’s life during a difficult situation because I wasn’t sure if I was still welcome. Me trying to feel out the situation to see if it was ok to talk to her was viewed as kicking them when they were down and inappropriate by the person in question and another mutual friend who was brought into the picture by said ex friend. And for all I know, everyone else who my email was forwarded to.
For the most part, I am a really logical person. I definitely know the difference between right and wrong. I think about most things before pretty thoroughly before I do them. Ok.. maybe not that time I went in the mall to return something and came out with a $1000 purse.. but you catch my drift. I’d really like to think that I do not do things to ever intentionally hurt the feelings of anyone I know. Actually no.. I KNOW I do not set out to hurt the feelings of anyone much less the people I care about. Am I perfect? Hell No. Do I always remember your anniversary, birthdays... Maybe not. But do I set out to hurt feelings or ignore people I love? No. I know I do not do that. I know when the words “I’m sorry” should come out of my mouth for sure.
I have had the same three best friends for more than 30 years. And the one who stands out even over the other two.. we always tell people that we’ve “been together since we were 2”. And the crazy part is, I have not lived in the same town with any of them for almost 17 years now. But yet, we’ve still maintained our relationships. Through moves all over the country, military service, marriages, divorce, broken engagements, kids, miscarriages, showers, deaths in our families. The fires are still burning. I’d really like to think there is a reason for that. I know how to be a good friend. Even though we might not talk to each other every day or even every week sometimes, I always know that I can ‘go home’ to them. And if one of them did have an issue with me, I know they would pull me aside and ask what the heck my problem was or where or where have I been? Am I alive and kicking still? I would get the benefit of the doubt and we would move on.
Like I said above, I was accused of being a bad friend for the last 7 months. The funny thing is, I completely agree! I didn’t dispute this fact at all and told the person I 100% agreed. But, If you know me, or you read this blog, then you know what I have been doing for the last 7 months. Suffice to say it has not been sitting on a Caribbean island sipping pina colada’s! Heck no.. in fact I haven’t left the state since May of 2008! LOL
So what have I been doing for the last 7 months in question????????? Well.. I’ve been slightly busy with those three little men I gave birth to last October. Oh.. and then throw in being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, losing my job, looking for another, dogs, house hunting, moving, unpacking, starting a new job, adding in two hours of commute time every day… well.. there you have it. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 7 months.
Some things had to give. Namely, it’s been anything I used to do for myself. Nails, hair, showers, working out, going to dinners with friends, chatting on the phone or computer….those things are either gone or few and far between. (yes..I shower daily for work now) But, I’d love for people to know how much time I actually spend just making formula every day or how many evenings after the babies are in bed require me to fold laundry, grocery shop, iron clothes and run other assorted errands before I collapse into bed by 11 and pray the boys don’t wake me up at some point before my day starts again at 5:30-6. I didn't just wake up one day and decide I had better things to do than be a good friend.
In fact, tonight marked the first night I went to dinner with friends since last July before I was put on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. Tonight was the first time I left Jeff alone to do the bedtime routine so I could go out for some fun.
I have had mixed emotions about what has happened this week. Of course I am sorry to lose a good friend. I am of the opinion that you can never have too many friends! But I really feel totally attacked for putting the focus of my life on my family for these last several months. And that cannot be helped. How could it? And I feel that this person also used me as a punching bag and took a lot of their current frustrations out on me in that several other unnecessary insults that were hurled at me. I cry wolf.. I don't step up, I don't thank her properly. Ok. So when I said thank you.. did I not mean it? Was there a certain amount of time in which I was supposed to repay all those good deeds? If so, I did not get that memo. And I don't remember the last time I did something nice for someone and expected repayment at all. But maybe that's just me.
But this has caused me to step back and ask myself, what could I have done differently?
Sure.. I could have made more of an effort to be involved in my friends lives. But this wouldn’t just go for the friend in question.. there are about 8 other people who could make the same claim on me. And this has prompted me to do some damage control with them and ask them if they feel the same way. I’ve gotten pretty much the same feedback from my other friends: no.. we don’t talk to you as much and while that’s a bummer, we know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing. One friend said to me that she hopes it changes of course and said that as her kids got older she definitely was able to re-enter normal society again. Another friend was quick to point out, that unless you’ve had multiples like we do, there is no way for anyone TO understand our lives. And yet another said that if she had a problem with me, then SHE should have acted like a real friend months ago and called me up and simply said “I miss you, let’s try to get together here soon and find a time to talk” instead of hurling insults at me and giving me no chance to save the friendship.
So, what’s done is done. You live you learn. Maybe the loss of one friend will save me from 3 more. Who knows. I just know that I am trying the best that I can to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, dog mommy, and employer. Some days I’ll succeed. Others.. probably not so much. But on the days where I don’t, it’s not intentional. Really it’s not.
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