Some ok news.. then some not-so-ok news..

As so the punches roll on.. I really really can't catch a break. Not in this TTC game I am in.

I had my egg retrieval for IVF yesterday morning. It was very smoothly and they were able to get 8 eggs out of me. Not the 10+ I had hoped for and SHOULD have gotten for sure. But that is a good amount. So I was feeling hopeful. For about 5 minutes.

Then this morning the call came. 7 were mature and only 3.. yep 3.. fertilized. I am so upset. How could this have happened? How did we get 3? I have been pregnant twice in less than 9 months. The first time is au natural and on the 2nd month we ever even freakin tried!! I have been a good responder to the meds before this. My FSH has been a 9.2 at the highest and this cycle was a freakin 6.1!! My E2 level was 2213 when they triggered me so I thought for sure we would get a good 10 eggs out of this! And Jeff has absolutely no issues at all and even with ICSI we get three???????

What the fuck is going on?

This just doesn't make any sense at all. I knew I would never be 'super responder' or wonder-egg women.. but I thought we'd at least have mediocure response and fertilization! Not poor!

Somehow.. someway, at least one of those three little embabies growing in a petrie dish 20 miles north of this house right now has to be our baby. It just has to be.

IVF has been triggered!

So the biggest needle ever was just in my butt. It hurt like a bitch and I took that shoot like a little bitch. I seriously had my self totally worked up and crying. How many shots have I done throughout this process? 100? Probably! But the stim shot needles are so tiny you don't even feel them. Not this sucker! For the Pregnyl, it was HUGE. ugh. Same as these damn PIO (progesterone in oil) shots that I have to do once the transfer happens.

SO.. on that note... I had a good ultrasound this morning and I had 8 follies that were over 15 and a couple that were close. So, hopefully, we can get 8-10 eggs out of me. My retrieval is scheduled for Wednesday at 9. Oh my god.. can you say BIG DAY???????

Also, tomorrow is mine and Jeff's two year anniversary! Happy day to us! I love him more now than I ever thought possible. He's the best husband ever! We are going out to dinner at the new MGM Grand Casino. Wolfgang Puck has a new restaurant there so we are going to go check it out! Can't wait!

Getting sick. Physically, not just mentally this time

Ugh.. I am getting sick! As the day has gone by, my throat has progressively gotten sorer and sorer until at present, I can barely swallow! UHGGGG. I Can't believe this. Just what I need. Seriously.

That and my ovaries are out of control sore. I don't know how else to describe it but to say they are sore. I am very bloated but the ovaries are just aching. I hope this is a good thing and means that I know have lots of big eggs sitting out there just waiting to be cherry picked out by the egg retrieval. The aching started yesterday afternoon after I got done with acupunture. So I am wonder if that really helped do the trick and get the blood really flowing to my ovaries and encourage the eggies to grow grow grow!

On that note, tomorrow is the big day. Will she trigger or will she not? THAT is the question. I am thinking positive due to the soreness of my ovaries. BUT.. will they still put me under anesthesia if I am sick with a frickin cold?Christ. I So don't need this right now. I am freaking out again.

Very.Bad.Day

So yesterday morning, I had my IVF stim check #3. And it was pretty much my nightmare. Almost all but like 5 of the 19 eggs that they counted on Wednesday had stopped growing. The nurse said we would be lucky to get between 5-8 eggs on retrieval. I totally lost it.

My worst fears are coming true. I can't believe I can go from 19 to maybe getting 5 out of this? Can I...

NEVER CATCH A FUCKING BREAK IN THIS SHIT?

We were going down to see George's show, "Walking with Dinosaurs" and I knew they wouldn't call me before I had to go be in front of Jeff's family so I called them at 1:50 so if they were going to cancel my cycle, I could find out about it in private and decide if I was still going to go or not. They are not canceling me. In fact, they didn't even think they should increase my meds at this point which shocked the shit out of me? Don't we want to try to get a few of these bitches that are at 11's and 12's to pump it up and mature? Nope. They think I need a few more days. I just cook more slowly than some. So I don't go back till Monday and they will trigger whatever is there at that point.

And the nurse was totally rude to me. She goes.."I know you were upset today, like you are every time you come in here". I was like.. excuse me? This is my life we're talking about and you're fuckin A right I am upset you stupid bitch. That is what went through my head but I didn't say anything back to her. But I am going to find out who it was I talked to when I go back on Monday.

THEN..the goddamn pharmacist was a rude ass to me too! I could not win for losin yesterday. With anything. When they increased my Bravelle, I had to go get more, but I didn't want to refill the Menopur unless I absolutely had to. It's another $80! So when I found out I have to take shots till Monday, that meant I needed to refill Menopur now. When I picked up the Bravelle, they had bagged the Menopur too and I told them no.. just the Bravelle right now. Well, they put it in their computer as "filled" and then they couldn't find the non-picked up boxes and since the jack ass that was working yesterday was not the one I worked with before, he was telling me that I couldn't have it. Well... all he had to do was call other pharmacist to verify and find out where it was.. this was a pain to him evidently. Disregard the fact I was about to flip out on him. He was such an ass. But he finally did it after I did flip on him. Fucker.

So.. that's that. I may be cancelled. I may not. But it is a possibility hanging out there in front of me now. And I think what this did was finally convince me to realize: I may never have a biological child. It's a reality I need to start considering. No matter how painful and no matter that Jeff thinks I am crazy for saying and thinking it. It is a possibility. One that even after losing two babies and both my fallopian tubes that I had not really believed. After yesterday. I do believe that it is a possibility now. A heartbreaking, life altering possibility.

So today, I am going to do things for me. Go to acupuncture. Go get a pedicure and eye brow wax. Walk my dogs. Things for me.

IVF Stim update #2

Had my second ultra sound and blood work check this morning. I still have 19 follies growing. I have a lead follie at 16 and then the rest are all between 7-12 mm big. I have 11 on the left ovary and 8 on the right. I was really hoping that they would all be between like 11-16 by now but as my history would say.. this is pretty much how mine grow: slow and steady. The nurse will call me later today to see about increasing my dose of meds again after she talks to Dr. A. But she says I look great and will trigger by Friday or Saturday night!

GROW FOLLIES GROW!!!!!!

IVF Stim Update #1

I am a day late. I went to Dr. A's yesterday morning for my first ultrasound and blood work since I got started on my ovarian stimulation drugs. I have been on 150 units of Menopur and 150 units of Bravelle for 6 nights prior to the check.

I had the following:
On the left ovary:
1 at 11mm
4 at 8
1 at 7 and
6 >7

On the right side:
1 at 8 mm
2 at 7
and 8 >7

So 23 potential follies. I wish that there were more that were measurable or over 7. I am nervous. The nurse said that everything was looking really good for being early after only 6 nights of stims. Of course I was so nervous I was almost ready to puke going in to this appointment and when I go in on Wednesday, I will probably be worse now.

Nurse Wendy called me around 2 that afternoon. They decided to increase my meds from the 150 of Menopur and 150 of Bravelle up to 225 of Bravelle. Just up'ed it by one vial. Which I guess isn't really that much, but it still scares me. Please let my follies keep growing. There is so much riding on this.

Speaking of that, one of the girls on the TTTC board experienced my 2nd worst fear today. My first fear is getting no eggs out of me. My second is that they are all bad quality and none make it to transfer. This is what happened to the girl on the board. In her 3rd IVF. I cannot imagine the heartache they must be experiencing tonight. It is gut wrenching and my thoughts are with her and her dh.

So.. until tomorrow morning. I will take my shot, relax, and pray for my appointment tomorrow. ugh.

Space Cadet

I am a total space cadet. Last night I was mixing my shots and I guess I put the needle on wrong cause as I pulled the trigger to inject, next thing I know I was wearing half the shot. Great. Fan frickin tast tic. How much money did that cost me? So I called the nurse emergency line and they had me do another half shot.

Then this morning, I went to work and while at work I was chatting on the next about F'ing up my shot and then it dawned on me.. I FORGOT TO DO MY LUPRON SHOT THIS MORNING!!! OMG... I am a space cadet. Once again, urgent call to the nurse at Dr. A's. They tell me to take it as soon as I can. So, I left work at 1:20. I had to go drop some rate books at DTE. So I ran home and did my shot this afternoon and went back to work.

I was supposed to go to a happy hour tonight a guy that quit my office. I decided not to go. To many people I don't care to see and since I can't drink anyway, what was the point? oh well.

Tonight was night #4 of my shots. Wow.. time is flying. Tomorrow I got to accupuncture again. So nice to relax.

A girl on the TTTC board had some really terrible news today. They submitted all the paper work and $ to start the adoption process and yesterday they found out that their agency basically got shut down and they lost all their money. They hope to recover some of it but they have to start the process all over again. ugh.. They are in my thoughts tonight.