3's Company!

The sick month

2012-01-19T18:07:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about January, but I'm starting to not like it. At all. Not a fan. Not at all.

When the boys were 10 weeks old, they were admitted on New Years Day 2009. All three with RSV and Pneumonia. After two weeks in the hospital for them, one tank of my nursing supply, one night in the ER for me on the verge of a nervous breakdown later... they came home and I basically had to start all over with three newborns again as any weight, feeding and sleeping progress was shot to shit. Not to mention the complete lock down we were on from visitors or me and my mom leaving the house.

January, 2010 was rather uneventful as we had a nanny and the boys never left the house! lol

However, January 2011.. a different story. It started first with the stomach flu that was caught from Jeff's brother and daughter on Christmas Eve. That went through all of us for the entire week between christmas and new years. Then, our nanny got called for Jury duty and I had to send the boys to daycare as a back up plan. Big mistake. Not only did our nanny get SELECTED for the jury.. we lost her for 3 weeks. The boys ended up with RSV and pneumonia again and we narrowly escaped hospitalization again for Ben and Alex. After that, our nanny came back and promptly gave us all the stomach flu again. Ahh yes.. good times were had by all.

Now.. here we are again. The fevers started on Christmas Eve and again, ran the entire week between Christmas and New Years. Then, the coughing started and ran through. We were healthy about a week and bang.. on Monday.. the 16th, it started again. And all this week, sick. Me included. No RSV this time so far, but Ben and Nate are on the nebulizer again and have had bought of vomiting.

It sucks no matter what to see your kids sick. And to be sick while trying to care for them. And then, get no sleep and get up and go to work in the morning and function at a high stress high profile job sucks even more. And it sucks even more to deal with the above alone when your husband is out of the country for work.

Is it Spring yet?

Hello 2012, Good Bye Carbs...

2012-01-02T17:49:00.001-08:00

I am sitting at my computer doing two things:
1. stalling taking the decorations off the Christmas Trees. Yes.. plural. Trees.
2. Eating my last carbs for the forseeable future. Tortilla chips and dip.

Jeff and I started the no carb diet in the beginning of October and in 6 weeks, we had both lost over 10 pounds. Of course both of us were like... what in the sam hell were we thinking giving up carbs when it's our boys birthday, Halloween, Cider and donut season at the Cider mills in Michigan! Hello!!! Idiots!! But.. we did it anyway. We did, however, decide to stop it between Thanksgiving and the New Year. So tomorrow.. we're back. And today, I was back at the gym.

I'll be honest. I want to lose 25 more pounds. And when I do.. I'm doing it. Plastic surgery baby. Tummy tuck, here I come. It will either be this summer or next. Not sure yet. But I'm ready to get my body back. I am REALLY ready to feel good about myself again.

Carbs... I won't miss you. I really won't!

So we rang in the New Year at a wedding this year. Our former nanny got married. She was a great nanny and is clearly close with her new family, but I couldn't help but think, we had a great nanny in her, but we have a fan-fucking-tastic nanny in our new one.

We got home just at midnight to ring in the new year with my mom. We finally hit the sack at about 1ish. And then it started: Kids.. up.crying.all.fucking.night. I think Jeff and I may have slept two broken hours each. We were MISERABLE all day. And of course, we had big dinner party plans at his aunts house. We pulled it together and went and let the boys run wild.

The boys are awesome.

Alex has this new thing where he says he wants to read ME the good night story! He loves to read me the Grinch and Jingle Bells. Of course, it's really just telling me what is going on in the pictures, but it is the cutest damn thing and he's actually pretty good at it!

Nates latest cuteness started the night we went to the Toledo Zoo to see The Lights Before Christmas. It was gorgeous! Nater wasn't feeling the best that day but we decided to go. He was a little upset during our stay and cried a couple times. Each time he would cry, he would say "Mama.. please wipe my tears.. they're cold". Omg.. melt. And since then, he has kept asking me to wipe his tears when he cries. Of course my baby. I will ALWAYS wipe your tears!

Ben.. ahhhh Ben. My sweet Ben. He's well.. not so sweet right now. He's come into his 3's with a vengence these past couple of weeks. And he's sneaky about it too. I think since he's spent the least amount of time in time out, he thinks he's above it for some reason. I'll tell him to go and he'll say "no.. I don't need to". Mmmmkay. Thanks. Yes you do!

They're all stinkers.

Tomorrow school is back. Amen.
Tomorrow, work is back. Shit.

Resolutions

2012-01-01T06:45:00.001-08:00

I am going to keep this blog up this year. It's going to be my diary. My way to track everything. And it should have been that way for the past 3 years, but really, I've been too busy. I know that sounds like a cop out but I really am that busy.

So it's 2012 and I have 3 year old triplets. 3 year old triplets who kept me up all.night.long. We were dumb enough to think we could go out last night so we did. We went to a wedding. it was gorgeous! loved the centerpieces and the great food. And we got home and hit the bed by 1am. Then it started up about 1;30. Ben was up and down all night. He'd been fighting a fever earlier in the week and yesterday, we spent our new years eve morning at Jungle Java, a local indoor play space and I seriously think he caught the plague.

Now.. I've been to Jungle Java with them a couple times before. The first time, I don't remember thinking bad things. The second time, I did think bad things but thought maybe it was an off day for them. This time.. nope. We will never go back there. IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING. Like I want to call the health department disgusting. Like, I am calling the corporate office disgusting. Revolting. We walked in at 9:30. They opened at 9. On the floor was a nasty pile of dorito's and dirt. You can't tell me that one of the other 3 families in there fed their kids dorito's for breakfast and let them smash them all over the floor in less than 30 minutes.
Um yeah. And if they are not mopping the floor or vacuuming, then I can safely assume they are not climbing up in the play structures to wipe them down at night or throughout the day either.

My two friends and I who met there and account for 9 children between us were all grossed out. So.. stay tuned for that.

So 2012 is here and I am REALLY looking forward to the year for a few reasons:
1. My boys will continue to grow and learn. Hopefully this means a little less drama and fighting at home.
2. Our jobs are going great and hopefully that will also continue
3. We're doing a shit ton of work on our house and we are really looking forward to making it truly everything we want it to be.
4. Jeff and I both started dieting in October and had lost about 12-15 pounds before we took this last month off between the holidays. We are celebrating today with lasagna and garlic bread and on Tuesday, we are 1000% back on our diets with some very focused goals. I know we can do it and am totally looking forward to looking OUR very best in 2012!!

Crazy Good

2011-09-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

Things are well.. crazy good! Where to even begin? It's been a month of firsts at our house!

The month started of September started off with a bang. The bang of the back door and watching Jeff go out of it! He was sent to London again for an ongoing work project and this time, for two weeks. I had known about the trip for about a month and when he told me, it didn't occur to me what that trip was coinciding with around the house: School starting. I had never had a child start school before, so it just didn't dawn on me till he was leaving.

I had two parent/teacher nights. Two meet the teacher days. Two first days of school. Followed up with Ben's surgical follow ups, my dental appointments... I was sure I was going to get fired for being a single parent! But we made it through and the boys are just thriving with their new routine. In fact...dare I even say it? They are sleeping through the night! sshhhhhhh!

Jeff was back two days and then we were off on our first trip together in 4.5 years. We spent 4 glorious nights in Las Vegas. It was heaven! Of course we missed our army of little men, but it was sooo nice to sleep, eat, drink, spa and do anything we wanted when we wanted for 4 days!

Now that we're back, things have not slowed down at all. We had company this past weekend and now I am in full on birthday party planning and mom to mom sale mode. Getting ready for both!

The boys? what can I say. Every day is something new.

Ben.. loves to tell us: Not yet! No! Not yet! When he hears "I got a feeling" by the black eye'd peas, he goes nuts! Always dancing lately. And when he wants to do something he knows he shouldn't.. he tell us to 'go away' or 'turn around'. lol you gotta love that! He came through surgery on both of his hands and hardly slowed down despite having both hands totally wrapped for over a week and then smaller wraps after for 2 more weeks. The only real issue he had was eating. We had to help with that!

Nate..his big thing these days is "do it myself" or to "go upside down". I must hear these two phrases a million times a day. he is so brave and so strong. nothing physical scares him, that's for sure.

Oh.. and nate and ben LOVE LOVE LOVE to go to school on the bus. They sing wheels on the bus ALL.THE.TIME.

Alex... he is so mindful of his surroundings and getting really in tune to people. Yesterday we were watching the first Shrek and when donkey discovers the fire breathing dragon is a girl and "likes" him, Alex, who was very seriously watching the movie turned around and said "momma!!! that dragon is happy!!!!" She sure is my little man! Alex is also potty trained going on 3 months now! Hope his brothers follow suit soon!

Lastly, I love that they all are in tune to each and know they are brothers. In the morning, no matter who I get out of bed first, he will say "mama.. where are my brothers? Can I go get my brothers?"

Sigh... love!!

Best layed plans..

2011-06-07T18:49:00.001-07:00

So much for my new years resolution to update the blog more often. Yes.. I suck. I really do *think* about updating the blog at least 2 or 3 times a week. That has to count for something, right? I have to laugh.. when I do think to update it, it's always at work when I should be... well.. working. I find my mind will wander and think.. gee.. I'd love to write about xyz on the blog! But alas... blogs are blocked at work. No go. Then I think.. yep.. tonight is the night! I am going to update the blog. And I forget... until I am at work again.

Things are crazy as usual. I have realized I no longer say "when things calm down" because I really don't see that they will in the near future. Our house is continuous chaos. Every week is a sprint to the weekend when hopefully I can slip a nap in somewhere or cross something off my to do list that usually involves the house.

The boys.. oh those boys. GOD they are changing! The language that is going on in my house is just pure amazing. Everyday... there is something new. Every time an airplane flies overhead, all three stop and yell "AIRPLANE!!!!". Jeff even has them going "da plane! da plane!" his very own little Tatoo's! When we ride down the road, there is "what's that?" "tree", "truck", "big truck" and on Sunday, we rode by a church and Alex said "look momma! A castle!" and then on our way to meet friends at a playground he said "look! A farm!" We just sit back and wonder.. where does he come up with this stuff?

And Ben? BEN... came up to me TWICE on Sunday and said "I pooped" OMG... love it.

Nate? He is in this phase where "it hurts", "mommy... help". I am happy to kiss any and all boo boos he has.

Today was monumental for another reason: For the first time, Alex asked to go potty on the potty chair with out being prompted! He did it! And then we turned around to see Nate pee'ing on the floor! oh well.. we can't win them all. But it's a start.

The boys continue to amaze me daily. Things are getting a bit easier. Taking them places is really getting to be fun. It helps that I have some amazing MoM friends to make it easier. We hang mostly with a couple sets of twins and another set of triplet boys. This weekend, we saw our other favorite set of triplets both Saturday and Sunday. And our twin friends on Sunday too! It helps that I love their mom's and the adults get to play while the kids play.

It's going to be a great summer!

A new pledge

2011-01-16T18:55:00.001-08:00

So here it is the 16th of January and I am just updating this. I don't expect anyone still checks this cause well... I suck at updating. This has been the longest stretch ever. But life really did get away from me.

To make a long story short, the fall of 2010 was beyond nuts. A couple main things contributed to this. First, I started a new job. And I started at the worst possible time of the year. 4th quarter. When EVERYTHING is happening and changing in my industry. To say I was thrown into the deep end of the pool and told to swim... SWIM FAST is an understatement. Still... it is THE job I've always wanted and I hope that this is where I am to stay for the rest of my working days. I'm giving it my all and then some. On the work note.. my husbands job has been just as nuts and not only do they keep sending him on these little jaunts to Toronto for 2-3 days every other week, but they've started adding London every couple months for a good 7-10 crack. Hello single parent hood.

Next, we moved my mom down to live by us. It's been a blessing and a.. well.. I don't think curse is the right word. But.. a challenge. I now feel responsible for her happiness since she doesn't know anyone here. She's been a HUGE help to us and the biggest thing is that she now gets to see the boys a good 4-5 times a week. And let's face it, if it weren't for her, Jeff and I would probably never have a home cooked meal these days.

Last but not least, the boys. Da Boyz. Ah... my little miracles have been a challenge. I thing I trace it back to this stomach bug they caught in August. It completely destroyed their sleeping habits. That on top of a constant parade of sinus infections, ear infections, blah blah.. their sleep.. well.. it was shot to shit. And thus.. so was mine. The first two weeks at my new job, I went to work on 2-3 broken hours of sleep both nights. Not good for anyone, and I have to be ON. My job is high profile, high pressure. That pattern pretty much continued on until last week, I started putting my foot down and we went to sleep re-training boot camp. Things have gotten a bit better and I'm hopeful they will continue to improve.

I also think some of this directly relates to the fact that... well... they are 2. And they're professionals at it! Tantrums, toy stealing, pushing your brother down, jumping on brother, stalking brother for toy, looking at brother the wrong way.. OMG. Jeff and I agree on one thing: we actually feel more challenged by them now than when they were newborns. That is one bold statement!

Anyway.. if for nothing else, I have decided.. promised myself.. I will update this blog if only if it's 2 lines at least 4 times a week. Every day there is a new word, a new sentence and something that makes us laugh. Here are todays:

Alex: Alex was playing his electric guitar today. Daddy was pretending to head bang. He taught Alex to say ROCK N ROLL!!!! Hilarious.
Nate: Heard the above.. also yelling ROCK N ROLL!!
Nate: I always call Nate.. Na Nate. I don't know why.. but I do. I say it in almost a singing voice. Today... I called him that and he answered back with.. Na Nate! (insert his singing voice!)
Nate: Sitting eating dinner and Ni Hao Ki Lan was on Nick Jr. Part of one of the songs she sings is "we'll figure out (pause) what to do!" Nate: Figure out... what to do!" Hysterical!
Ben: Do you want to eat Ben? Ben.. BEN EAT!!!

Other milestones today:
Nate and Ben: They went to church for the first time! We sat in the cry room. They were well... kinda awful. We'll try again. Want to thank my lovely Heather for the text after church that I provided her with all the entertainment she needed during church watching me from the outside as I ran around the cry room after the crazy twins. I laughed when I saw that for sure!

Alex: while we were at church, Alex and his daddy went on a date. Home Depot. Alex held tools! They were real men! Then.. what do real men do? They go to McDonald's for a burger!

All in all great Sunday for the boys!

The leaves are changing

2010-09-12T11:54:00.001-07:00

It happens every year and it's happening again. I feel like it was just yesterday! I love seeing the leaves change. Fall is my favorite time of year for sure. It's always so beautiful on these fall sunny days.

So let's see.. what has changed at our house lately? Well.. what hasn't?

I always say I am going to be better about keeping the blog, and things should calm down, but I really mean it this time. Or rather.. hoping things calm down after the boys second birthday anyway!

August was totally eaten up by a couple things. First, my mom moved to be near us. This was a huge deal and practically as much work for me as it was for her. I had to help her search for a place to live, deal with the negotiations, $$, the hook ups, the movers, and last but not least, I had to sit on a Greyhound bus for 14 hours to get up to my home town to help her pack the uhaul and move. I then had to drive that freakin semi bus over the Mackinac Bridge and into Detroit. that was fun. NOT. That was how I spend a lovely 4 day weekend from work. In the 95 degree heat.

Once that was over, I had an even bigger situation to deal with. My job. I started my job last summer. I've never really been happy since for a variety of reasons. First, the work. It was not what I signed up for. Then the commute. If you are going to commute like that, it better be to something you love. Yeah.. see the first comment I made. On top of that, my husband has been traveling non stop and I've been single parenting alot. Alot. It was too much. At first we thought i might just quit and be a stay at home mom. I would LOVE that. And while we could get by on one income, we would be doing just that... getting by. And we are SO not used to that. So we made the decision I would look for something closer to home. And I did. And I found it. To say that I was kissed by an angel in this situation is an understatement. I got so lucky with this opportunity, I couldn't even question it and I jumped on it. I started my new job this past Monday!

So.. on we go to the fall and we march towards the boys 2nd birthday. They are a true joy and the joy grows everyday. We are in the stage now where we are learning a new word every hour. That everything has a name. It's so exciting to see them learn and discover daily. And I am so happy my mom is here to enjoy it.

I am in the thick of planning the boys birthday party. This year we will have a Yo Gabba Gabba theme and are having it at a children's play gym. Should be so fun for all the kids. We can't wait!

I stop and think daily how lucky I am. I'm healthy (fat but otherwise healthy!), my husband, children and mom are healthy. We have a great house with a beautiful new kitchen being installed, and great, amazing jobs. I have to pinch myself!

Words

2010-07-31T17:41:00.000-07:00

I really do have to be better about writing on this blog if for no other reason than to remember what my boys are doing every day. And every day it's something new.

My boys have been slow to talk. Well.. not slow so to speak but not fast. They started with words around a year with the typical momma dadda stuff. Progressed on in different ways and each has had their own set of words. My boys are clearly more physically developed than alot of kids. Especially for high order multiples who were almost 7 weeks early. They hit all their milestones on track or early. I cannot keep them still. They climb everything. Run everywhere. Are doing stairs like champs. So the words thing has been a little slow to come on.

Until now.

We are in the middle of the "explosion" I was told would probably happen sometime before their 2nd birthday. Some of the favorites are:
Ball
Car
Swing
Sock
Shoe
Slide
Cat
Truck
Dog
bye
hi
No
Done
Up
down
milk
What's that?
Where is it?
Nate is quite good at singing the ABC's with the Leap Frog table
They love the Eee III EEE II OO from Old MacDonald song
Itsy Spider
and I have taught them to do 1...2... THREEE!!!!

And all of a sudden, it's like they understand everything. They *know*! One particular really awesome thing happened the other night. I was yelling at our dog Bailey and Alex got up and went over and started petting her and saying "Bailey". We were shocked! He knew exactly who Bailey was! The boys love the dogs but we didn't really know they knew them apart. So we said Alex.. where is Kali? He immediately went over and pet Kali. We asked "where's Ben?" He went and bopped Ben on the head. Of course we asked.. "where's Nate"? Went right to Nate. Then we asked.. where's Alex? He marched over to our entertainment center, bent down, looked at his reflection in the glass and pointed at it. We were dying! Amazing this kid! He is so freakin smart he scares us sometimes!

Besides that, they now only want to drink out of certain sippy cups and will shake their heads no until I offer the correct one. Lord help me. They can put the car back up on top of our roller coaster out in the backyard with no help. They have a battery powered car now that they can steer and push the gas peddle all on their own. Seriously.. they are growing up before my eyes.

Which of course I don't want them to do. I want to freeze them where they are now. Maybe this is why I have an appointment with my RE to talk about an FET in two weeks?????????????

Thankful

2010-06-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

Thankful.

It’s a nice word but it doesn’t quite adequately capture what I am to have my boys in my life. It’s nice.. but it’s not strong enough. Humbled.. overjoyed… I don’t know. All of those words maybe. Of course, I’ve pretty much felt this way since the moment I pee’d on the stick and found out I was pregnant. Especially after the ultrasound when I saw them and heard their heartbeats. And with each day that goes by, and I get to know them better, I feel this way all over again and x’s 1000.

I am still reeling for my friend on the loss of her son. I read her blog yesterday and it sent me into another crying fit. She talked about how she finally did laundry and came across the clothes she was wearing the last time she held him. And there was a drool stain on her shirt from him and how she couldn’t bare to wash it. I don’t blame her one bit.

I still can’t wrap my brain around what has happened. Every day I see her siggie pics on our chat board with her son still there (of course) and I still can’t process that he’s gone. Or maybe I just don’t want to and if I ignore it, it will go away. But then I read her blog again. Or I see her most recent Facebook status. And I know it’s real. It really happened.

My sons are exactly one month younger than he was. I look at them every day and think.. what if? What if that were me? Yes, I know my sons are healthy and at this time, there is nothing to lead me to believe something will happen to one of them. But it’s hard not to ask yourself those questions and relate. This isn’t just another faceless person I read about in the daily paper obituary or heard about on tv. This child had a name and a face. He had two beautiful sisters and loving parents. He had a monkey shirt and match box cars.

I’ve survived a lot of crap in my days. But.. I don’t know if I could survive that. So I’ll continue to think of and pray for this family that somewhere out there, there is peace for them.

Another loss

2010-05-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

I have spoke often of my MoMfia. My group of multiple moms. Our group is about 150. 100 really active in the group I would say. Today, May 21st was supposed to be a day of celebration. We were going to be celebrating the 1 year anniversary of the creation of the chat board that brought us so close. The Bump is actually where it all started. On their multiples board. But this private board that spun off from there is where we all call home now.

We're family.

With 100+ women, we don't always get along, like each other, or agree. But one thing is for certain, when push comes to shove, we are family and we rally around each other. Today, was supposed to be a day of celebrating that family. Instead, we are a grief stricken family in mourning.

Yesterday, a member of our family lost her 20 month old son, JW. JW was born at 27 weeks due to loss of amniotic fluid, which severely compromised his lung development. He was on oxygen since birth, but otherwise, a very happy normal child. JW caught a cold and it progressed. He did not recover. We are all devastated. Devastated for the loss of this beautiful child. Devastated for his mother and father and two sisters.

And... my family is reminded of those we've lost before. Not that we don't think of them always, but on days like this, those memories wash over you like high tide slapping you in the face. JW is the 5th child lost in 15 months in this group of 100 women.

I've been trying to make some sense of this all day and I really can't. I know people say everything happens for a reason, but over the last couple years, I have come to think those words are horse shit. Really? There is a reason JW is no longer with us? There is a reason children die at the hand of child abusers and of cancer or other terrible diseases? No.. I cannot see a reason for that. The only conclusion I come up with is that sometimes life really sucks. It's horrible and tragic. And it's just not fair. How do you go on? I truly hope I never have to find out, because knowing and caring about the people who are forced to figure that out is almost more than I can take.

So for tonight, I will count my blessings. Hug my boys tighter, love them longer, look into their eyes one more time. And I will never complain when they wake up in the middle of the night, are sick with a cold, or have pooped through another outfit. At least I am lucky enough to have perspective. And to be able to hug them whenever I want.

Dear Blog

2010-05-21T10:23:00.001-07:00

I am so sorry I neglect you! I just don’t know how to keep you fed and happy with all kinds of fun stories about my kids. You are a great idea in theory. It was the place to write my feelings about my infertility. Then my pregnancy and now.. my boys. But man.. you are low on the totem pole of priorities. Perhaps someday, we can have a better relationship. Till then..

Yes, once again, I’ve been neglectful. So much to do so little time. I am waiting for a lottery win so I can stay home with my boys! Let’s see.. what has been going on…

Well. .the boys had their 18 month appointment and they are tall and skinny again:
Benj: 24 pounds, 33 inches
Nate: 25 pounds 34 inches
Alex: 24 pounds 10 ounces, 34.5 inches

No wonder I can hardly keep pants on them! Good lord! I have been worried about that recently as they decided to go on an eating strike. For about a week, I literally watched them throw food on the floor for every meal except breakfast. So I was like.. what do I do? Keep throwing every kind of food I have in the kitchen at them until they find something to eat, or start feeding them pancakes and scrambled eggs for every meal!?!? They did pick back up this past weekend so who knows. Such is the life with 3 toddlers. It is not the first time we’ve had feeding issues and I have a feeling this will not be the last time.

My mom visited for a week and that was nice. They boys LOVE her and she is such a great grandma. Talking and feeding and hugging and playing and new toys and new clothes… what else could three little men ask for? We really wish we could convince granny judy to move down by us so that we could see her more often.

The boys really seemed to have a language explosion too. All of a sudden they’ve gone from their typical few words to mimicking everything we do and say. Lord help us. I just know my kid is going to be the first one on the playground calling some other kid a douche bag.

Me and Jeff have also been busy as heck. Jeff’s job is pretty out of control lately, but they’ve finally recognized it and are giving him a market adjustment in his salary. I am really happy for him… and the fact that my new kitchen is now on it’s way! But the London trip does seem like it is about to be a reality. Also consuming my time is the fact that our new nanny has not worked out. That’s a whole blog post in itself and I am sure any MoMfia members who are reading this blog are sick to death of listening to me bitch about it. So I’ll just say.. I had to do the search and interview process that I love so much twice in 2 months time. Gotta love it.

One other great and exciting thing is that I’ve recently been “found” but an amazing group of triplet mom’s. Yes, tis true that I am in a couple multiples groups already, but this one is triplet moms and the best part is, many of them practically live in my neighborhood. We all got together a couple nights ago and I am already loving my new found friends. In fact, do I have any friends anymore who do NOT have multiples? LOL

NOLA and 17 months!

2010-03-22T17:35:00.000-07:00

There has been some fun lately! I went to New Orleans!!!

I've been a part of a public message/chat board for several years now dating back to my wedding planning days. Once I became pregnant with the boys, I started chatting and asking questions on a multiples chat board. Last spring, some strange things were happening a couple of the girls decided we needed more privacy. So they, weeded through the board and invited certain people to be a part of the private board. I am so happy I accepted! I really couldn't have imagined what this board would become to me. It's women from all over the country and not only do I get amazing advice from women who have been and are in my situation with multiples, but it's support, friendship, and camaraderie like you can't imagine. They understand. They don't judge. Really.. it's the best.

We joke that it's our own little "Fight Club' We now affectionately refer to ourselves as the MoMfia.

So.. The MoMfia had it's first ever national get together. What does stink for me is that there is really no one else on the board who is local and there are several areas of the country were many of the women live so they can see each other regularly. But this was for all of us. It was so exciting since I've "known" some of them for years. But still.. I was nervous arriving alone and meeting them for the first time!

But it was just like I thought it would be! When my cab dropped me off, I was met at the door with screams and open arms by two of my oldest and dearest friends from the group. And it felt like "home". There was no awkwardness at all! When I decided to go, one of my friends immediately said that I would be in her room. So I ended up with the NY/NJ girls! (and one hottie from PA). I had to laugh, I think I came home with a slight Jersey accent. LOL

We had the best time. 31 of us stayed in a big old victorian house just a block from the French Quarter. We ate in all the famous restaurants, went on a swamp tour (I held an alligator!), went on a haunted house tour, drank to many hurricanes, ate too many beingets, stayed out too late, danced too much, and stayed up waaaay to late talking like we were at a high school slumber party! I felt almost 21 again! Almost!

I had the best time and can't thank all the girls enough for their friendship and support. Can't wait till 2011!!

And those boys... who could forget!?!? They were 17 months on Saturday. wow... just wow. They are getting hair! I said to Jeff.. I can't call Alex a baldie anymore! He really has hair! LOL For their 17 month birthday, we celebrated by basically buying them a new wardrobe for summer and 3 new pairs of shoes each. These little monkeys are expensive! But they will be well dressed this summer! Also for their birthday today.. we all got to go to the DR. and get antibiotics and breathing treatments. We are all sick again. And this time, I am knock me out wanna die sick. I haven't been hit this hard for awhile. I even missed work today

But.. looking forward to Easter and grandma Judy's visit. We're having my family over for Easter Sunday dinner and I can't wait to host. The Easter gifts are all bought and the baskets are ready to be stuffed. Or.. overstuffed. I've gone a bit nuts. Pictures to come!

overwhelmed

2010-03-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

So it's been a month again. BAD blogger! Well.. my life has sort of been in a tailspin the last month and boy time just slips sometimes. The boys were sick the pretty much the entire first two weeks of March. And instead of them all being sick at once, it went in a cycle. First Ben, then Nate, then Alex and repeat Nate and Alex. Oh.. and throw me and Jeff in there too. Translation? I didn't sleep more than a 2 hour stretch for almost 2 weeks. It was brutal. The highlight was Alex's trip to the ER with what I was sure was going to be pneumonia. He sounded AWFUL. Seriously awful. The rattle of his breathing was so scary. But after several hours in the ER and a couple breathing treatments later, we narrowly escaped admission and were sent home with our very own nebulizer. Nate was also the lucky recipient of these treatments beginning the next day.

I think the worst part is going to work and trying to be functional like this for an extended stretch. Not to mention my commute. And there has been just sooo many things going on. Jeff's been traveling or working late alot. I have felt like every minute of my days and nights have been consumed lately. The boys, work, Jeff, the house, the dogs.. oh.. and interviewing nannies, phone screens, reading add responses. That's what I've been doing in my spare time. I've found that even minor chores like paying the bills were slipping. To sum it up.. I'm overwhelmed a lot these days. But what could go? nothing. Really. Nothing.

The Chase....and 16 months!

2010-02-21T17:54:00.000-08:00

That's what we call it now. The Chase. The Chase is on!

What I am talking about is what has become the new obsession in the house. They loooove to chase each other. In the last couple weeks, we've noticed that the level of interaction between the boys has risen to a whole new level. What started out as rolling over onto one another, a few smiles here and there, then progressed to stealing toys and heartbreaking screams when watching the brother now happily shake the toy that was just in my mouth or seeing my pacifier in the mouth of running away brother, has now turned into..... play!

OMG. it is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Jeff and I just sit and watch and go.. Omg!! look at that! OMG... look at them...OMG!!! how freakin cute is that!!! We are like little kids watching for the best fireworks on the 4th of July. LOL

They love to chase each other. When one is in a crib still and another is outside of it, they will hold toys and pull them away. They will stand on either sides of the crib so they can see each other through the bars and just sit there and... laugh at each other. Seriously.. there is nothing cuter in the world. THIS is sibling love. THIS is amazing. Tonight, if I didn't know they really aren't capable of such a thing yet, it was actually like Alex and Nate were playing hide n go seek. Nate was running from Alex and trying to get on the other side of the rocker and when he got there he peeked out and Alex saw him and run after him. Nate burst into hysterical laughter and Alex did too. Again.. I just stand back and watch and think I am the luckiest mom on earth.

Ben has had a rough weekend. He isn't feeling good. I think it's more teeth. He's had an off and on fever. We did all go to Kindermusic yesterday and I was really worried if we'd make it. Or he would. But.. he was the stinkin star of the show! He was happily the instructors example baby for the entire hour! Running around charming everyone. But.. still.. he's out of sorts. They all love Kindermusic though. Jeff and I just laugh.. it's a TOTAL workout for us. Up and down.. chasing boys.. bouncing, dancing, singing.. we come out sweating!

Other than that.. not much else to report. We had our first weekend with no company in 4 weeks, so it was nice to have some peace and family time. Jeff and I got a nice take out dinner on Saturday and had some wine. And now it's back to the grind tomorrow.. Monday. yukk!!

Happy happy... and just.. happy.

2010-02-14T18:19:00.001-08:00

I feel like I just blogged a post on here yesterday. I sign on only to find out it's been two weeks! Where o where does my time go? So much for my new years resolution of keeping this up better! HA

The boys are awesome. We had our 15 month appt this past week. A bit late, but better late than never. I couldn't do it the week they turned 15 months or the week after due to the fact there was absolutely no possible way for me to have missed work. Work is... INSANE. And it will not let up. In fact, it's so crazy that the project that was supposed to be handled by solely me and my boss, is now acquired two more people and they are looking for a 5th. HA. So much for best laid plans on that one. So.. yeah. I'm waaay busy at work.

The boys did amazing at the appt. Of course, this time, I had help. I took our nanny with me. After going it alone to the 1 year appt, I swore I was never.doing.that.again. Not only was it a train wreck for me to try to undress.. talk to the Dr... dress.. get shots for three screaming boys, but they made us wait in the waiting room for 20 minutes, then 45, once we got in the room. hello people... are you NUTS??? After awhile, I gave up and let them tear the room apart. I had no remorse over it either! LOL

So the Stats:
Nathan: 24 pounds, 8 ounces. 32 and 3/4 inches. Just about 50th percentile in weight, 80th in height
Benj: 23 pounds 6 ounces. 32.5 inches. 20the percentile in weight, about 50-75 in height
Alex: 24 pounds 4 ounces. 33.5 inches. 40th percentile in weight and off the charts in height!

Dr. Diagnosis?

TALL AND SKINNY... LOL

Jeff thought for sure Nate was a "25 pound turkey" as he calls him. I didn't think so. And I'm actually suprised Alex weighs that much he is SOO skinny. Talk about chicken legs! Now if only I could say I was tall and skinny these days... humm...

Other than that, they're doing great. A bit of runny noses and LOTS of teething. I've gone to work on 2-3 hours of sleep a few times over the last couple weeks. oy. But judging by the fact I now have two boys with all 4 molars and another 2.. AND three boys with a canine poking through, it's easy to see why that it. TEETHING SUCKS!!! I got to work from home 3 days this past week due to weather on their Dr. appt and we are off tomorrow for Presidents day. To say I am thrilled to have had extra time with them is an understatement. I can't get enough of those cutie pies!

Last weekend was my birthday and what a hoot that was. My BFF came from Kalamazoo with her partner and together with them and two other couples that we have cause trouble with in the past, we all went out for dinner at one of our old time favorite restaurants and then out to martini's at another old fav. What a great freakin time! OMG. we were out till 1am and I haven't been that drunk in YEARS!! But it was sooo worth it!! Unfortunately, it made me basically non functional on my actual birthday, which just happened to be Super Bowl Sunday. But.. we all got up, my BFF and her partner stayed here.. got Dunkin Donuts, lounged around and played with the boys (who remained in their pj's that day!) and then got Chinese take out for the game. I was in bed early needless to say. wow.. But again.. it was a fabulous birthday surrounded by some of my most favorite people. Wonderful..

For Valentines weekend, we hosted a party. It as so great! I've met some really awesome women through one of my mom's of multiples groups. This one is local and we had a few other couples.. spouses and babies.. all over for dinner last night. There were babies and toddlers everywhere holy moly! I'm so glad we have to space to host our friends like this and are already planning for the next one. Especially since the kids were eye'ing up all of our play structures in the yard!

Last but not least.. what has me so happy today are a few things. First.. of course my family is amazing. How did I get choosen to be the mother of these boys? I am humbled daily that these are MY children. I can't stop staring at them. Second.. I have great husband. He'd never met most of the people we had over yesterday, but he welcomes them openly and makes sure he talks to everyone. He loves having people over and expanding our social connections. He ROCKS. And he's cute! LOL And of course, my friends. So glad to have some really great women in my life right now. I honestly think that is just another reason I was chosen for triplets. Through my MoM's groups, I've met some truly amazing women. Multi tasking queens. Real inspirations.

But what made the weekend even BETTER?? The two boys I've been asking for prayers for? Well people.. it's working! Baby J is being fed through a G tube only. That means he's getting food in his tummy for the first time in MONTHS. And he's not vomiting! He really is doing well and his quality of life improves daily. This is HUGE for him and his family as when he thrives.. everyone in his house thrives!!

And Baby G.... He was released from the hospital today after 3 weeks of too much scariness without TPN (TPN = IV feeds)!!!!! This really is a miracle. He his now taking food into his intestines like a champ. He still needs to start really gaining weight, but this is THE step in the right direction that he needed to take. Not only is this amazing for him, but thank goodness he and his mother can go back home to be with his brothers and sisters.. and 4 days before his 1st birthday. I can't even type this without some major tears of joy falling. That said, continued prayers are needed for his continued stability and weight gain. In the case of both boys, I think it's equally important to pray for the wisdom and guidance of their Dr's. That they are led to the best solutions for these boys.

And.. with that.. both of their mothers are planning to be in New Orleans for our MoM gathering and I can't wait to hug both of them!!!

Because I needed something else to do...

2010-01-31T17:45:00.000-08:00

Yes.. I've added something else to my weekly routine: I joined a gym.

Ugh.. I used to be in good shape. Used. Then infertility, a bunch of surgeries, a triplet pregnancy, trying to raise the triplets. I look like shit. I don't even recognize myself sometimes. I hate it. I've been toying with it for awhile now and this weekend, I took the plunge and did it. I decided not to join the fancy gym. It wasn't to expensive, but for what I want to do right now, the little gym was enough and it's waaay cheap! I just want to go, get on the eliptical or the treadmill and zone out to my Ipod or a magazine. I don't want to be bothered. My goal is 3 times a week for 45 minutes on the machine. I'm going to start slow. But I am so happy I did it!

And what was the incentive you ask? Everyone has one for joining a gym right? I have three. As I said above, I need to look like me again for my own good. 2nd, I have three boys and I want to be able to run with them, ride bikes with them, whitewater raft with them, go on rides at Disney with them. I want to do everything with them and not be ashamed to do it. And 3rd.. I'm going on a trip! YAHOO!!!!

My big excitement right now is that I am going to New Orleans in March! I am leaving the husband and the boys for the first time. Hell.. I am leaving the STATE OF MICHIGAN for the first time sine May of 2008 (how pathetic is that.. but I've been a bit busy). Anyway.. I am going to a get together for a Mom's of Multiples group I am part of. These girls are just the best. I've known some for quite awhile as they were part of my infertility chat board and due to the fertility treatments, some of us are mom's of multiples now. And other's, I've got to know in the past 7 months since this group started. I am so attached to them, I don't know what I would do without their daily support and understanding of raising our babies. There are 32 of us at last count spending a long weekend in the Big Easy. I've never been and I could NOT be more excited!

And what is going on with the boys this week? hum.. they are of course, still the BEST.

Benj is running like a mad man. He loves to make his mean face (puker lips, curl nose, and snarl!). He's so funny and he always laughs after. He's been saying "cat" (odd.. we have dogs!), "sad" (not sure why?) "cup" (probably cause Alex won't let him play with his cups!). He is still such a mama's boy. He literally melts into me when I pick him up. He has 3 molars now for a total of 11 teeth and the canines are peeking through!

Nate Nate is still my sweet angel babe. He's been having some sleep issues lately. Ben went through this back in November. I think it's the teeth. grr. But it has resulted in me being at work on like 3 hours of sleep 4 times in the last week! He has 2 molars and we think the others are going to pop any second. He has BIG news this week.. he's been saying A, B, C. non stop! Just the first three letters.. he doesn't go further yet. But all the time.. A.. B.. C.. so stinkin cute

Alex.. ahhh.. the X man. Everything this week is Yeah. Alex.. were you bad today? "Yeah". Alex... did you bite your brother? "yeah" to funny. His newest obsession is getting on the couch and running around it. His brothers are now getting into it too. yippee.. NOT. So seriously.. every night, we have "couch time" where we let them sit and crawl all over the couch (we have a big sectional so it's got a lot of room for all)

Last but not least... Mom and dad.. aside from the gym news and some sleepless nights, Mom (me) finished her hell week at work. My client was on site all week. It was tough on me.. and the boys. I did not get home before 7 every night. And later on the nights we had to take them out to dinner. I am still going to be swamped, but at least I can resume my prior schedule: work.. go home be mom.. turn computer on when babes are in bed. ugh... And dad.. finished the play room. Jeff did an AMAZING job on our spare room turning into triplet wonderland. Now, I just have to get the art for the walls and it can be photographed. Seriously.. our boys now have two huge areas.. one on each floor of our house to run and be wild! yeah!

I want to end my post by still requesting prayers for baby G. As humans.. we all have it in us to feel for a sick child. But this child is so adorable, (as is his twin brother) and his mom is just so nice and has so much on her plate: Baby G, his twin brother, and two other children at home and is spending countless weeks in a hospital far away from her other children and husband. And baby G gave us all two very big scares this week and I know all the prayers are helping him and his mother keep strong!!!

Playing Ketchup

2010-01-24T13:02:00.001-08:00

Where or where does my time go? Every time I vow to take better care of this blog, I blow it. I just can't find the time. And right now, I am just got back from running an errand (more milk) and am scarfing down some food before the boys wake up from there nap. I have 15 mintues max. GO.

The holidays were nuts. The boys were all sicker than sick the week before Christmas. I had one of my "4 nighters" as I know refer to them. It seems that whenever all thee of my boys get sick, I do not sleep for 4 straight nights. That is about as long as it takes them to go from almost sick.. to sicker than sick.. to less sick... to.. just got cough up this last bit of snot... to finally they are so exhausted that they will sleep. 4 nights. It's always 4 nights. I do ok up through night 3. Night 4. I hit the wall and practically fall apart. I had to work during two of those 4 nights. That was fun. And the last one.. we had to get up to leave for an 8 hour drive to my mom's for Christmas. I let Jeff sleep and took the big offender or that night, Nathan, down to the living room to cry it out with me on the couch. Then left him there (in a pnp) and had to go fish Alex out. The only sleep I got that night was 90 minutes in the rocker with Alex on me.

Then there was the trip home. What. a. fucking. nightmare. My usually good travelers were so sick. They screamed about 5 of the 8 hours. And Alex was so upset at one point, he threw up all over himself, the car seat, the car.. we had to pull over on the highway so I could clean him up. We were both crying by that time. If it had been anything other than Christmas, we would have turned around.

Then.. once at my mom's, the weather was so bad that none of my family living more than 30 minutes away even could come home. It was SO bad.

We had a rather uneventful trip back thank god. We were happy to wash Christmas off of us this year.

Since Christmas, one word has taken over for me and Jeff: w.o.r.k. It's been really awful. Since New Years, I've worked an average of 55 hours a week. Weekends, evenings. And I'll be there a good 60 hours this week. And Jeff.. ugh. He's been traveling almost every week which leads me to single parenting at night. And.. on the weekends, he's been slaving away creating a play room paradise for the boys. But again.. as a result.. more single parenting. And there's now a 90% possibility he will be taking on a new project... in London. That will require him to be gone for a week to 2 weeks at a time probably 5 times this year. And that could start in the next week. But what do you say? Is his line of work.. you don't say no. There are thousands of unemployed automotive engineers. But they want him. They're promoting him. His job is on fire. SO.. he'll go and I'll shut up and try to juggle it somehow.

oh! the boys.. omg.. every day they amaze me. They are all walking and have been for gee... over a month now. I can't believe it! They are 15 months now. The sweetest, cutest things ever. They are still with our nanny, although.. she'll be leaving us in a few months when her semester is over at school so we have to figure out what we'll do AGAIN for childcare. We also just started Kindermusic classes and are have been doing lots of play dates and have a play date every weekend for the next few weeks. We/I am looking forward to hosting a group of my mom's of multiples at our house for a Valentine party in a few weeks. We have a great group of us that have become really great friends so I can't wait! It is sooo nice to have a group of friends who are in the exact same situation you are and understands the demands of raising multiples, working.. all of it. They don't pass judgement or expect the unrealistic from me either.

Last but not least.. as I hear a boy talking upstairs.. Please pray for baby G again. I cannot stress to you enough how badly this little man needs every prayer he can get. Besides my own children, I worry for him like I am his mother. I pray for him night and day. He and his family have had an awful time lately and things are very critical. Please.. light a candle, say a prayer. Something.

The 1st trip to Santa is in the bag!

2009-12-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

Wow.. that was an event.

Jeff and I both have vacation days to burn by the end of the year so we decided to take yesterday off to spend as a family and go visit Santa for the first time. We figured better a Friday than a Saturday at the crazy mall.

We got up and started our routine as normal but I had to leave for the mall around8:30ish so that I could go get our Santa "fast pass". If you've ever been to Disney World, then you know what I am talking about. You go... put your name in, and get your Santa time and come back when it's your scheduled time. This is a great system as it avoids people having to stand in line for hours with screaming children.

The only flaw in this system is that they won't let you actually just make a reservation for a particular time. In our case, I needed a time after lunch, but before the afternoon nap. So about 1:00. My friend had been to the mall the previous Friday and when she got there at 10:00 am, they were already handing out times at 1:30! So I was sure I needed to be there by 9ish. And I got there at 9ish. I was not the only one with that plan! There were other parents there doing the same thing!

What was crazy about it, it was actually SLOW!!! I ended up having to wait for an hour and 40 mintues to get a time after 1:00!! So.. in that time, I bonded with the other parents, got a Starbucks and browsed Janie and Jack. Something I should never be allowed to do as it inevitably ends with me dropping to much money on clothes for the boys! Sadly, they know me there and made me promise to bring the boys back later that day so they could see the in their Christmas clothes. Which.. I had to shamefully admit.. were NOT Janie and Jack!

Anyway.. we were on time for our 1:14 Santa appointment. We got right in! Had to wait for one family ahead of us. So I will give snaps to Sommerset and their well oiled Santa machine! This mall really is beautfull at Christmas. (pictures to follow) SO how did it go? Well.. it went like yeah... you can see how it went!

But.. it's a right of passage right?

Thanksgivings..

2009-12-03T12:50:00.000-08:00

Well, we’ve made it through one holiday so far this year! It was kinda rough but we’re all alive. We went to Jeff’s mom’s for Thanksgiving. There were 19 adults and 11 children. It was chaos. Chaos on top of an un-baby proofed house and teething boys makes for well.. an exhausting 3 days. But I am glad Jeff had a nice time and got to see a lot of his family. That’s what counts right?

The boys are up to so much lately. They really are one laugh after another. They love to clap at everything. They wave at everything. They pucker up to kiss everything. Alex was especially fond of his cousin Addison’s doll this past weekend. It was hysterical! They love to throw balls. Everything is a “Bah”. Ben is really shaping up to be quite the lefty! Jeff of course, is thrilled by this prospect and is already looking for major league baseball scouts to get their opinions! LOL And their new favorite game is peek a boo! They love to cover their eyes and wait for one of us to yell.. PEEK A BOO!!! Sometimes they will even put blankets over their heads and pull them off. Alex.. well he loves to put everything on his head. Blankets, burp cloths, pants.. you name it!

Alex is not only just walking.. he is running. Like a mad man. Nate and Ben are so funny. They get up.. stand up. Take a couple steps. But then realize if they are going to catch him, they must still crawl. They are walking but not with the confidence that Alex has. But they are getting there so fast. It really amazes me. To think… at this time last year, Ben still didn’t weigh 5 pounds! Alex and Nate? They were about 6!!! To say they have come a long way in these 13 months is understatement! My preemies are not preemies anymore. They are 13 month old toddlers with no delays! It’s impossible for me to look at them and not get choked up!

Overall, things are busy. Time flies. This week has been no exception. Half of my Christmas shopping is done, the tree is up, the Christmas card is ordered. What next? More shopping this weekend and a party with the high order multiples group! This group is for families with triplets, quads, and quints. It really makes us feel “normal’. They understand the daily chaos for sure! Our group has adopted another high order multiple family in need, so the kids will be giving gifts to the children of the family in need.

I am so thankful that we are able to do this and to participate in three other exchanges like this. We’ve had an expensive year and precarious year with our job status uncertainty for sure, but we hope it’s behind us. Because we feel so fortunate, it’s very important for us to give back to those who are in need or just had a really shitty year. Health and happiness is fleeting. Who knows when I or someone I love may be on the other side of things. So for this year.. we share the wealth.

It is also at this time of year when I think about those still struggling to conceive the most. I had two really awful holiday seasons in 2006 and 2007. In December of 2006, my first pregnancy was diagnosed ectopic when my fallopian tube burst on Dec. 18th. I had surgery immediately that morning. I ended up back in the ER with my stitches hitting a nerve on Christmas Eve. I remember sitting on my living room couch in front of the Christmas tree a couple days after Christmas that year and Jeff saying to me… Don’t worry sweetie.. by this time next year, things will be much different for us. And he was right.

They were much worse.

After losing my other fallopian tube and my second pregnancy in September, we found out our first IVF was a chemical pregnancy on December 14th of 2007. I’d had it. I was a total mental, emotional basket case. I swore that was the last Christmas I was spending surrounded by and buying presents for nieces and nephews and children of our friends. Jeff and I both agreed, if we weren’t at least pregnant or knee deep in an adoption by Christmas 2008, we’d be spending our Christmas drowning in Mai Tai’s in Hawaii from now on.

I thank god everyday for the gifts I’ve been given in these boys. I just wanted to be a parent to A child. Any child. I didn’t care where he or she came from. Just one little child was all I wanted. So to all of you out there still struggling, my thoughts are with you now at this most difficult time of year. I hope that this is your last holiday season that you have to feel like this.

some pics..

2009-11-11T18:35:00.000-08:00

Halloween!

Our first leaves..

A day in the life..

2009-11-11T12:25:00.001-08:00

Here is a day in our life:
6:00ish AM: I hear monkey’s start to babble
6:10: Mom is in the shower
6:30: Mom is dressed and downstairs letting dogs out, feeding dogs, getting bottles (monkey’s are now full on chatting and yelling to be let out of cages)
6:45: Diaper changes for all. Bottles begin
7:00: playtime
7:15: Mom is out the door
7:30: Nanny Poppins arrives and Dad is out the door.
5:30ish: Mom and Dad are home. Monkey dinner begins. Ends with Mom and Dad wearing said dinner
6:00: PM Playtime with mom and dad
7:00: Bath time, books, and general get ready for bed
7:30: bottle
7:45: Bed
7:45: Mom starts her house chores, Dad starts his. Mom’s will include fold laundry, grocery shop, prepare tomorrows lunch, bottles, and dinner, clean up. Dad’s include Mafia wars and Monday night football. Occasionally trash night.
10:00: collapse into bed, maybe get 30 minutes of TV before sandman takes over.

Repeat.

It’s a crazy crazy day. But pretty typical for a working parent. You try to cram it all in and hope you don’t mess anyone up along the way. I miss the boys so much while I am gone all day. We’ve all started some separation anxiety. Especially Alex. He does not like it when we walk out of a room. AT ALL. And Nate and Ben aren’t far behind! I realized on Saturday that I too.. am suffering from separation anxiety. We went out to dinner for Jeff’s birthday. It was our first time out together since August 9th. Jeff’s mom and step dad came to visit to babysit for us. I had a horrible time leaving. Horrible. I’ve come to the conclusion that we no longer do anything together because our weekends are for the kids and only the kids. I feel like I have so little time with them during the week that I can’t possibly give up one waking moment during the weekend. But of course, as a result my marriage is suffering. Not that it’s bad or in trouble, but still, it’s not the same. I feel like we’re parents and not a married couple now. It does bum me out a bit. We had a nice time on Saturday night. A really nice time and made me think, we need to make more of an effort even if it’s just a “date night at home”. So we’re going to try.

But the boys are so amazing right now. Makes me want more kids! If only I could give birth to an 11 month old…. Hum..

Once again..

2009-10-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

I am a total blog slacker.

GAWD I have been b.u.s.y.

Towards the end of September, we really swung into high gear trying to get the house ready for the boys 1st birthday party. That meant painting and organizing and shopping and planning. And in the end, we only got two rooms out of the 4 we wanted done. And we didn't even get to the hall either.

I was also getting ready to sell in the my first mom to mom sale. I only made about $400. That was a big disappointment to me and I won't sell in that sale again. It was SO much work getting ready for it, but on the up side.. Melissa and I got out of our houses for some adult time!

Then there was the BIG party!! OH BOY. My boys are 1!! I lived through it and I can't believe it! Of course they were all sick for the big day and there was some drama leading up to it with certain family members. But that's pretty much typical in the Johnson/LaLonde families. And the weather did NOT cooperate. We had planned to have it outside in a big tent, but it was way to cold. I was soooo nervous about having that many people in my house. But, in the end, it all went beautifully! We had about 60 people with the kids and my house held up fabulously. I had SO much food. After it was over I was like.. did anyone eat? LOL There were so many wonderful things about the day. The boys were amazing and LOVED their smash cakes. My best friend in the world drove 7 hours to be here with her 4 kids, as did my mom and grandma. All of Jeff's best friends came down from Midland and Bay City. We are so honored all of these people drove for hours to help us celebrate our miracles!

And since the party, we've all been sick, there's been Halloween parties, pictures... so much going on.

But what sat me down tonight finally? I really needed a place to just write out some feelings. I hate that I most feel compelled to blog when I am upset or something has royally pissed me off. But, it is what it is. And tonight, I am just heartbroken for a friend whose baby was just diagnosed with a horrible life debilitating and threatening disease called CIPO. Chronic Intestinal Pseudo Obstruction.
http://www.nationwidechildrens.org/GD/Templates/Pages/Childrens/GI/GILongContent.aspx?page=1748
CIPO is also very rare.. affecting like 1 out of like a million children.

The friend is a 'virtual' friend who I know through a chat board of women with multiples. It's an amazing group of girls and I've become so attached to them. And sadly, this is the second baby in our group that has been diagnosed with this condition this year. I've talked to a couple friends in the medical field and they can't believe that not only have I have heard of this disease and know what it is, but that I actually know of TWO babies with it in our small group of about 100 women.

The first baby, J.. is somewhat stable now after many many hospitalizations. But still has chronic pain. His mother was a great comfort to me in the early days of my pregnancy when we thought Ben and Nate might be mono amniotic. And then again when Ben was diagnosed with reflux. J and his brother were and she was by default.. an expert in the conditions and now, she is an expert on CIPO. She is remarkable. I think of her and her family every hour or every day. When J was finally diagnosed back in May, I was MIA due to the move, boys being sick, losing my job.. all that shit. I really feel a huge pit of guilt for not being there to be more supportive. If only thoughts and prayers were enough. Thank goodness J is stable right now, but many many tests and a very long road is still ahead for him.

And now.. poor baby G has been diagnosed with CIPO. And he is very.. well.. not stable. In fact, it's been one thing after another for this poor child and his family. When I read his mother's most recent post this afternoon, I literally lost it at my desk and had to go for a walk. Baby G has the sweetest face you could imagine and I can't bare to look at it knowing how sick he is.

I've had to ask myself tonight.. why am I so upset by this? I don't know this child or his mother other than over the computer. I think I have concluded that A) I am also the mother of young boys only a couple months older than G and a couple months younger than J. B) It's human nature to feel bad for a sick baby C) Having dealt with Ben's awful reflux and the hospitalization of all three of my boys at the same time last winter and knowing how upset and scary both of those situations were to me and my husband, I just can NOT fathom escalating those circumstances to what these mothers are dealing with.

It takes my breath away and knocks me on my knees. It makes me very angry with the powers that be. How can these babies be suffering so? How? Why?

I don't consider myself particularly religious. Although, I am catholic, did attend church regularly and probably will again when I can.. I consider myself more spiritual. Since this has all started with baby G, I find myself praying non stop for him. Several times a day.

So.. if you read this and you pray.. or you talk to some other higher power not of this earth.. pray for baby G and baby J. They need all the help they can get right now.

The World According to Facebook

2009-09-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

I looked up the definition of Facebook today.

Here is what Wikipedia has to say:Facebook is an American social networking website that is operated and privately owned by Facebook, Inc.[1] Users can add friends and send them messages, and update their personal profiles to notify friends about themselves. Additionally, users can join networks organized by city, workplace, school, and region.As far as I know.. It's intent is to be "friends" with people you are actually friends with or those you don't get to keep up with as much as you would like.

What it does not say is that Facebook is a place where those you are "friends" with should go to get ammunition to bitch and gossip about you. It does not say you should be or stay "friends" with those people you've had a falling out with or those commiserating with the person you've had the falling out with.

So you can probably guess where this post is going. I de-friended someone on Facebook. Someone who made it clear to me that they did not care to continue a friendship with me. Someone who.. as it came to my attention.. was making me the subject of some gossiping and mocking.

From what I am told, I royally pissed them, or at least her..off. Pissed her off to the point that this person actually made me the subject of her Facebook status ranting about how immature I am and that I need to GROW UP and continued the rant in a rather lenghty wall post. All because I defriended them and some other people associated with her.

Here is my question: Why on earth does this person feel she is still entitled to have access to my life and the lives of my family if she has made it clear to me she does not wish to continue our friendship? Why does she CARE to have access to a Facebook page of someone she hasn't seen in months and no longer speaks to???

I am VERY confused by this.

When we had our falling out, I was told how much I suck as a friend and human in many many different ways. Of course all of our mutual friends don't know everything she said to me because I didn't forward her emails to everyone we mutually know. And this is someone who I should allow continued access to my life AND the lives of my children????? Seriously??? It took these girls less than 24 hours to figure out I deleted them. So that really tells me I did the right thing. If someone deleted me... I would have no freakin clue. None. Unless I was constantly checking on them and their page.

I really refuse to leave myself or my family open to this degree of high school bullshit.

To say I am very disappointed in this person is an understatement. My first reaction to our falling out was to delete her off right then and there. But I didn't because I think there was part of me that was hoping it would blow over and we would be friends again. But it just hasn't. I did really enjoy my friendship with her and was sorry to see it end. I think I am still in a bit of shock that it mainly came to an end over the fact that my life has been completely chaotic this year and I really had no time for friendships. Any friendships. And for my part, I said if she couldn't understand that, it's best that we part ways now. I can't be the friend she obviously needs. I am not a stay at home mom with one child. You can't compare apples and oranges. Enough said.

So back to the reality of where we are at. To add to the list of insults that were hurled at me before, now I can add the list from the FB rant that took place the other night. I am immature for deleting her and her friends and..... last but not least.. I need to GROW UP.

Really? I need to grow up? Wasn't she the one forwarding my emails to god only knows how many people last month when we were hashing this out? And isn't she the one who set her FB status to a completely idiotic rant about me and would let it die on the wall? What is ironic is that apparently I am the 4th person to delete her off FB in the last month or so. I have to wonder if I am the only one of the 4 that pissed her off enough to get my own status update and wall post on her page? And if I am the 4th person, then perhaps it's time to think about why that might be. All 4 of us can't be immature can we? Do all 4 of us need to grow up?

The last thing I am going to say on this subject is... NO. You are absolutely NOT entitled to nor do I owe you any kind of access to my life and the lives of my husband and children. My Facebook page is just that. MINE. The place I chat with my family and friends. The place where I upload photo's of my children so I can keep up with friends near and far. And if I have a bad day and I want to vent about it on my page or whatever the hell I want to do, I want to do so without having to worry that someone out there is reading it and using it against me or as their fucking entertainment for the day. It's fucking Facebook. Does it really mean that much to you to be on my page?? Someone you can't stand?? There isn't one part of me that thinks I did the wrong thing. In fact, you proved that I did the right thing and should have done it sooner.

And if you still feel this entitlement to my life, then telling you to grow up... well that is the least of your problems.

Mama

2009-08-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

That's me!!!

Ok..I have waited a really really long time to hear that. Really long. Who was it? Well.. it was none other than Alexander. The Alexgator. It made what was pretty much a really long crappy day totally worth breathing. And I am having trouble breathing today, let me tell you!

I am sicker than a dog right now. Sinus infection, cough, runny nose, watery eyes, pounding head, no sleep.. you name it. I went to a training class today at work and as they were setting up, the lady setting up the computer says..'gee Jen.. you look really tired and well.. out of it". Then I opened my mouth and revealed my sexy raspy (ok.. horse) voice and she goes.. ewww!!! You're sick! oh yeah. I really frankly don't remember the last time I felt this shitty. Yesterday, I was a total deadbeat parent. I was unfit to care for the boys. Today, I was "that person" at work who I cringe at. the person that should not have been at work and put others at risk to my plague. But the sad thing is.. first of all.. I only get so many sick days and I feel like I need to save them in case my nanny gets sick or the boys are so sick I need to take them to the Dr. And second.. I was seriously in no condition to take care of them again. Going to work was the easy way out.

So I muddled through a half day of report specs (high cost claimants and pharmacy data) and the second half of my day was spent on Diagnostic Cost Group'ers. ohhh the excitement! LOL And then I weathered my way on my hour commute. Got some shitty news along the way (but that's another post entirely). But I made it home to my three gorgeous, adorable, snotty nose, coughing love muffins.

Jeff started feeding them dinner tonight in the high chairs. I was talking to them as he was feeding. I went to leave the kitchen for a minute and when I turned my back to leave... Alex let out a blood curtling scream and twisted himself to follow me out of the room (that's a pretty normal occurance) and started yelling MAMA MAMMAMAMMA...

I know.. he's young. 10 months and not quite two weeks. But it seemed so...deliberate. Jeff and I both saw the look on his face and he knew what he was saying. This child is so smart that he scares us. Had it been Nate or Ben, I would have thought.. babbling. But Alex? He knows. They've all been babbling Dada for awhile now but this was the first time I have heard Mama.

Then, when we were putting them to bed. I was getting bibs and bottles organized standing at their dresser and he was fussying as he crawled over to me. Grabbed my pants leg and pulled up and he did it again.. mama mama mama...

Anyway.. it was quite the moment for me. Mama. I have waited to hear that for so long. It was such a moment. It made a sick miserable day A Ok.

ok.. I have to go cry again.

10 months!!

2009-08-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

I can’t really believe that 10 months has FLOWN by this fast. Everyone always says that your children grow up to fast and man.. they were not kidding!

The house is sure alive with the sounds of babies these day! Or.. should I call them ‘pre-toddlers’? They boys are SO busy.

Benj…. Is crawling crawling crawling but still a bit slower than his two brothers. But make no mistake.. he can sure get around in lightening speed too! He loves to play with the toys. Loves both our Laugh and Learn and Leap Frog tables, the cruise and crawl jungle.. but most of all.. he LOVEs his inflatable roller and LOVE LOVE LOVES his jumperoo. I am seriously going to post a video of him in the jumperoo. He is HYSTERICAL. He gets going something wild. Whenever someone comes the house, we must have Ben put on his show for them! He is crazy pants in that thing!

He is really enjoying his finger foods and will eat pretty much whatever I put in front of him. He has SEVEN count them, seven teeth! Little piranha!!

And Ben has surprised me. Ben… is the most loving mama’s boy of the three. He is such an amazing cuddler. Loves to hug and be held. If you want a snuggle baby.. he’s it. It’s odd to say.. but Ben is the baby I think I felt least bonded with in the beginning. He had such awful reflux that Jeff was the only one who could stand to feed him for a good couple months. He was in such terrible pain that he would just scream and flail during every feed. My mom and I just couldn’t do it without crying. But the last couple months, wow.. he’s a total mama’s boy!! I love it! He is just a sweetheart. So good natured and loving. He really is an angel baby.

Na Nate. Yes.. that is what I call Nate 95% of the time. I just always say.. Na Nate! He too.. is the loving, good natured angel baby type. Sooo cuddly.. so sensitive! You can hurt Nate’s feelings very easily. The other day, I went to go get Alex to change him and I held out my arms to get Alex to reach for me, Nate was next to him. They both reached for me. I picked up Alex and Nate started crying so hard!! It was terrible!! Poor sweetheart! I had to go give him a kiss too. Nate and Ben are sooo much alike. But go figure.. they’re identical twins! But Nate is a bit more adventurous than Benj. He tries his best to keep up with Alex and usually does a pretty good job. He pulls up in his crib, pulls up on everything. Crawls everywhere. Fast! He also loves the jumperoo, learning tables and this standing piano thing we have. I don’t even know what the name is for all our toys!

He is my picky eater. He sure loves his cheerios and puffs, but really doesn’t want anything to do with eating other finger foods. Not like his piggy brothers! I always say.. he is going to be my peanut butter and jelly baby! He too, has SEVEN teeth!

Both Nate and Ben LOVE it when I sing to them. They are totally captive audience. We sing patty cake, itsy bitsy spider and the ABC song non stop. They love love love that patty cake song!

And then there is Alex. Alexgator. What a personality he has become. OMG. Alex was the first mama’s boy of the group. No one would do for him but me. And he was very vocal about that. He is my strongest personality for sure of the three. Now… Alex is way to adventurous and curious to be contained. You can’t keep a wave on the sand right? That’s Alex! He is EVERYWHERE. Don’t turn your head folks.. there goes the whirling dervish! Precocious is the word for Alex for sure. He loves to touch everything. Put everything in his mouth. He can crawl like lightening and when he reaches his destination, sitting and looking at it is not good enough. He wants to stand ON it. He took his first steps on his 10 month birthday. Three big steps between a chair and a couch. Clumsy yes.. but he sure did it!

He has six teeth and will eat anything and everything. He has a hollow leg I am sure. I can’t believe what he eats and he is still tall and skinny! He loves to hear stories and be talked to like he’s an adult. He high fives and points. He is non stop entertainment for sure!

But he does have a soft side too. Loves his pacifier, loves to be held. One look into those bright blue eyes and anyone would melt.

We are enjoying them so much. I hate putting them to bed every night. I want to keep them up! Of course, I wish they didn’t want to party by 5 am every day.. but the alternative.. a quiet house.. just would not seem right! We love it the way it is!

Thankful

2009-08-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Thankful. Blessed.

Lucky.

Those are a few of the words that have been running through my mind the last couple of days. It is just unfortunate that something awful had to happen to someone else to cause them to run through my mind.

One of the girls from my online infertility support group and subsequently, my multiples group suffered the unthinkable loss of one of her infant triplets.

I remember when I first found out I was expecting triplets. A whole gamit of emotions, thoughts, and fears ran through my mind those first few weeks.

Of course the most important thing is that I was finally pregnant with a pregnancy that had an actual chance to become a live baby and make my dreams come true of becoming a parent. That first ultrasound was the first one out of oh... 10-20 ultrasounds I had had while pregnant that actually looked like a viable pregnancy!! I was so relieved to have saw and heard A heartbeat let alone 3!!

So of course, that was the most important thing. But as soon as that was out of the way, the next emotion to hit me was sheer panic. Obviously when you do IVF, you must prepare yourself for multiples. And Jeff and I had those discussions. When we did the transfer, we decided to let our Dr. make the choice on how many to transfer. He choose 3 for a variety of reasons. My age, the fact that I can ONLY get pregnant with IVF, and that we had just had a failed (chemical pregnancy) IVF with two blasts of the same quality that we had this time. We agree to move forward with three. He gave us a 60% chance of success with a 10% chance that all three could stick. In the end, I guess I was just meant to have triplets. Two stuck, one split into identical twins. Honestly, really honestly... I was so down, out, and depressed that I hardly expected to get one baby out of that cycle. I had no faith, no hope really. Never in a million years did I think I would end up with triplets.

So the panic. How would I get these babies safely into the world? For them and me? Then... how would we fit them into our house? Could we afford all this? So so so many questions and worries. Hell.. I even had sleepless nights thinking about how the hell I was going to find three names I liked!

Of course we know how my story turned out. Aside from two hospitalizations totally 3 weeks, about 5 extra trips to Labor and delivery, birth at 33 and half weeks. My babies are perfect. And perfectly healthy. I came out of the delivery worse than they did! LOL

So.. why me? How did I get so lucky? I guess it's just one of those questions I will never know the answer to and that's ok. I can't question. I've definitely had my share of shit in this life and I can't question that either.

My only hope for the other triplet family is that they know only joy from here on out. It's time. They deserve it. Enough already. I hope that their other two babies continue to thrive and come home with their parents where they belong. That in time, they can ease the pain they feel now. They'll never forget the lost baby of course and even though there are two here on earth, they'll always be triplets. I can't imagine my trio minus one and I am sure they will always feel that way too. But honestly.. enough already. It's time for this family to have happiness.

Baby Gate 2009

2009-08-09T18:22:00.001-07:00

I know.. serious title hey? LOL But.. this is pretty much the look of our house these days. LOCK DOWN.

The boys are M.O.B.I.L.E. They are everywhere. It's just so exciting and fascinating to watch them. Together and on their own. They play together for a bit and then inevitibly, they wander off. The family room in our new house is one big ole nursery. We have couch (soon to be brand new sectional) a leather lazy boy, and a plasma TV mounted on the wall with a stand underneath it that holds our dvd, cable box ect. And that is it. Other than baby stuff that is! There are still two pack n plays, two jumperoos, one excersaucer and 1000 toys and mounting every day. And I love it! And that is quite the thing for me to say. Let me just say, anyone who has been to my house knows I am slightly obsessive compulsive. I have been compared to Monica from Friends before. Not that I am scrubbing my floors every night, BUT.. I am sooo tidy. I HATE it when things are out of place and I HATE HATE HATE clutter. I swear it makes me twitch. So the fact that I am able to leave these toys strewn about is a break through for me! But it's all about those three little men. They are such the sun the moon.. the stars..

Besides crawling all over, they are pulling up on everything. Especially Alex. He is not content to mearly kneel or sit by anything. Nope. He hits his desitnation and climbs up whatever is there for him to grab on to. Ben and Nate are also doing it but are not quite the pros that Alex is. Alex the Explorer. Speaking of middle names.. here are a few we call the boys and their recent 9 month check in stats:

Alex. Alias':

Alexgator

Animal

Alex the Explorer

Alejandro

A-Jo

Boo Boo

Weighed in at 19 pounds 2 ounces. 28 and 3/4th inches

Ben: AKA:

Benstigator

Benj

Bug

Bugaboo

Benny

Benja-man

Doodle-bug

Ben THA Man

Weighed in at 18 pounds 5 ounces, 28 inces

Nate: AKA:

Termi-nate-or (get it? LOL)

Nate D

Na Nate

Natey

Boo Boo Boo

Luv bug

Weighed in at 19 pounds ounces, 28 inces.

So the boys all fall between the 10 and 30th percentiles. Still little men but right on track!

They are eating great! In fact.. they are eating us out of house and home! I just cannot WAIT to see my grocery bill when they are 16. Holy moly. They are doing great with the finger foods. So far they've had all the stage 3 foods, puff, cheerios, pancakes, cheese, blueberries, watermelon, waffles.. and I feel like there are things I am missing! But.. they are getting the hang of it. I hope they will be moving to more people food soon. This baby food is SO expensive. But what isn't expensive about triplets right? LOL

Yeah.. $40 a week in diapers, $50 a week for formula ( THANK YOU SAMS CLUB) and I would say we are going through about $30 a week in baby food right now. So.. about $480 a month. Oh.. and then there is my nanny... But then I look at them and it's like.. huh? what money? YOU"RE SO STINKIN CUTE!

Anyway.. I gotta hit the sack. 5:30 comes way to fast!

You Can't Please Everyone...

2009-08-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

You really can’t.

Not your kids, husband, parents, friends, siblings, boss, coworkers, employees. Heck.. I am sure even my dogs would have something to bitch about if I had a yearly review with them!

But this topic really has me thinking and pondering my relationships and interactions with all of the people above since a good friendship pretty much came to an end this week over my insensitivity to others needs and what I am told is my lack of participation in it the last several months. That, coupled with my hesitation to try to jump head first back into this person’s life during a difficult situation because I wasn’t sure if I was still welcome. Me trying to feel out the situation to see if it was ok to talk to her was viewed as kicking them when they were down and inappropriate by the person in question and another mutual friend who was brought into the picture by said ex friend. And for all I know, everyone else who my email was forwarded to.

For the most part, I am a really logical person. I definitely know the difference between right and wrong. I think about most things before pretty thoroughly before I do them. Ok.. maybe not that time I went in the mall to return something and came out with a $1000 purse.. but you catch my drift. I’d really like to think that I do not do things to ever intentionally hurt the feelings of anyone I know. Actually no.. I KNOW I do not set out to hurt the feelings of anyone much less the people I care about. Am I perfect? Hell No. Do I always remember your anniversary, birthdays... Maybe not. But do I set out to hurt feelings or ignore people I love? No. I know I do not do that. I know when the words “I’m sorry” should come out of my mouth for sure.

I have had the same three best friends for more than 30 years. And the one who stands out even over the other two.. we always tell people that we’ve “been together since we were 2”. And the crazy part is, I have not lived in the same town with any of them for almost 17 years now. But yet, we’ve still maintained our relationships. Through moves all over the country, military service, marriages, divorce, broken engagements, kids, miscarriages, showers, deaths in our families. The fires are still burning. I’d really like to think there is a reason for that. I know how to be a good friend. Even though we might not talk to each other every day or even every week sometimes, I always know that I can ‘go home’ to them. And if one of them did have an issue with me, I know they would pull me aside and ask what the heck my problem was or where or where have I been? Am I alive and kicking still? I would get the benefit of the doubt and we would move on.

Like I said above, I was accused of being a bad friend for the last 7 months. The funny thing is, I completely agree! I didn’t dispute this fact at all and told the person I 100% agreed. But, If you know me, or you read this blog, then you know what I have been doing for the last 7 months. Suffice to say it has not been sitting on a Caribbean island sipping pina colada’s! Heck no.. in fact I haven’t left the state since May of 2008! LOL

So what have I been doing for the last 7 months in question????????? Well.. I’ve been slightly busy with those three little men I gave birth to last October. Oh.. and then throw in being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, losing my job, looking for another, dogs, house hunting, moving, unpacking, starting a new job, adding in two hours of commute time every day… well.. there you have it. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 7 months.

Some things had to give. Namely, it’s been anything I used to do for myself. Nails, hair, showers, working out, going to dinners with friends, chatting on the phone or computer….those things are either gone or few and far between. (yes..I shower daily for work now) But, I’d love for people to know how much time I actually spend just making formula every day or how many evenings after the babies are in bed require me to fold laundry, grocery shop, iron clothes and run other assorted errands before I collapse into bed by 11 and pray the boys don’t wake me up at some point before my day starts again at 5:30-6. I didn't just wake up one day and decide I had better things to do than be a good friend.

In fact, tonight marked the first night I went to dinner with friends since last July before I was put on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. Tonight was the first time I left Jeff alone to do the bedtime routine so I could go out for some fun.

I have had mixed emotions about what has happened this week. Of course I am sorry to lose a good friend. I am of the opinion that you can never have too many friends! But I really feel totally attacked for putting the focus of my life on my family for these last several months. And that cannot be helped. How could it? And I feel that this person also used me as a punching bag and took a lot of their current frustrations out on me in that several other unnecessary insults that were hurled at me. I cry wolf.. I don't step up, I don't thank her properly. Ok. So when I said thank you.. did I not mean it? Was there a certain amount of time in which I was supposed to repay all those good deeds? If so, I did not get that memo. And I don't remember the last time I did something nice for someone and expected repayment at all. But maybe that's just me.

But this has caused me to step back and ask myself, what could I have done differently?

Sure.. I could have made more of an effort to be involved in my friends lives. But this wouldn’t just go for the friend in question.. there are about 8 other people who could make the same claim on me. And this has prompted me to do some damage control with them and ask them if they feel the same way. I’ve gotten pretty much the same feedback from my other friends: no.. we don’t talk to you as much and while that’s a bummer, we know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing. One friend said to me that she hopes it changes of course and said that as her kids got older she definitely was able to re-enter normal society again. Another friend was quick to point out, that unless you’ve had multiples like we do, there is no way for anyone TO understand our lives. And yet another said that if she had a problem with me, then SHE should have acted like a real friend months ago and called me up and simply said “I miss you, let’s try to get together here soon and find a time to talk” instead of hurling insults at me and giving me no chance to save the friendship.

So, what’s done is done. You live you learn. Maybe the loss of one friend will save me from 3 more. Who knows. I just know that I am trying the best that I can to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, dog mommy, and employer. Some days I’ll succeed. Others.. probably not so much. But on the days where I don’t, it’s not intentional. Really it’s not.

A New Kind of Normal

2009-08-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

So I am 4 weeks into my new job now. We're slowly getting a groove. I wish I could say leaving the boys every day has been easy, but it's not. In fact, I came home on Tuesday to find the boys in their high chairs and Julie.. our wonder nanny.. had the food all ready for me to feed them. I sat down to feed them and Julie left the room. Alex twisted in his high chair and followed her out of the room. I was like.. great... working 4 weeks and my kid already prefers the nanny!! Hey brat... what about the first 8 months of your life when you only saw my face every day?!?!!? You were the total mamma's boy too! NO ONE would do for you.. but ME. Mommy!!

Every time I leave the house for work, I have visions of something that happened when I was a nanny back in college. I took care of these two girls. One 18 months.. the other 5. I LOVED that baby. She was my baby. I swear. One day I had them at the pool club and their dad had to meet me there cause I had plans that night. I went to hand her to him and she would NOT go. Screamed bloody murder. I felt bad giving her to him. And then and there I thought... if that ever happens to me.. I'll die.

SO that is what I thought happened to me on Tuesday. Well.. my in laws are here for the weekend and this morning when I was feeding the boys, my mother in law walked out of the room and Alex followed! The same way he did to Julie the other day. phew. He is still a mama's boy!

That said, I do love my new job. It's what I want to do. It's what I like to do. I am slow right now learning the ropes, but eventually I'll be so busy the days will fly. I hate the drive, but eventually, I'll have great flexibility. All that and the job I was hoping to have but was in a hiring freeze when I was looking called me this week and said.. hey.. guess what? The hiring freeze is over.. want the job? Umm..... Great.

No.

But that said.. how blessed am I to have had the job opportunities in this horrid town right now?

And our nanny.. she's the BEST. I LOVE her. Jeff went out of town this week for a few days and she spent the night! She's like.. I don't have anything else going on.. I'll hang out with you for the night! We got sushi...watched the Bachelorette... looked for bedding and bath stuff on the internet. It was fun for me too! I feel like maybe being her "friend" isn't right but she's fast becoming part of our family and I like it!

And the boys? oh boy oh boy. Our house is officially on lock down. They are EVERYWHERE. When I watch them crawl.. I just can't stand it. They are so freakin cute I could die. My mom and sisters and nieces were all here last week.. this weekend it's Jeff's family and of course everyone is falling all over themselves at the babies. And I've taken a couple of them to baby showers recently. Same there. I really do have the best babies. Of course everyone says that and rightfully so about their own kids. But my babies really are amazing. They are always happy and smiling. They sleep through the night. They are cuddlers. They are adorably cute. They play together and alone and have become so low maintence we sometimes forget they are there! HA!!

Most importatly, they are healthy. And I still can't believe they are mine!

Happy 9 Month Birthday boys!

2009-07-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

The loves of my life.. 9 months old today. Happy birthday boys!

Hello old friend!

2009-07-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

Wow.. ok so almost 3 months.. no.. over 3 months has gone by since I last update. I seriously have to plead major insanity. My life these last three months have been absolute chaos. Let's see.. here is the quick and dirty run down...

1. We bought a new house. Our old house was just to small. We loved it, but we were bursting at the seems and it was only going to get worse as the boys....and their toys.. get bigger and bigger. Our tiny living room couldn't hold more than the two jumperoos and swing we had in it much less have any space for the boys to start floor play. We all would have been in separate rooms! The Detroit housing market being what it is (down right horrible) we had some big decisions to make: Risk having to forclose on our current house to get the new house as there is no way we could hope to even remotely break even on our old house. Or.. stay there for an indefinite amount of time. We choose option #1. Our plan was to make double payments on both mortgages for the summer and pray pray pray our house sold as a short sale.. but then...

2. Two days after closing.. I got laid off from my job. It wasn't shocking to me at all, but seeing as how I had been asking my boss for an answer for months and was avoided.. ignored.. you name it. I was so pissed about how poorly it was handled. I'll say it now.. Mercer.. you are the worst fucking piece of shit company I have ever worked for. Or.. rather your management is a fucking joke and getting laid off was the best thing that ever happened to me.

3. We survived the move. omg. what utter chaos. We moved from a 1500 square foot house into a 3000 square foot house. You try to clean that and take care of 3 babies, 2 dogs, 1 mother, 1 husband, and the partridge in a pear tree. But.. we LOVE LOVE LOVE our new palace. It IS a palace to us. The house is about 30 years old and needs some cosmetic love but for the most part it was move in ready. Not only is the house enormous, but we have a 3 car garage and THE most beautiful lot that is just under an acre of flowering trees and preenials in a gorgeous upscale suburb North of Detroit. We feel no need to aspire to move anywhere except our retirement condo in Cancun!

4. My mom left. I was on my own finally with all three babies all day. Nough said.

5. I began to job search and go on interviews in my spare time.

6. I found a job! And I truly believe it is THE job. Where I will stay for the remainder of my career. There are so many wonderful things about my new company and job and only one negative: My commute sucks ass. My job is in Ann Arbor. ON a good day, it takes me 40 minutes. On a bad one.. over an hour. So why you ask did I take this job with 3 babies at home? Well.. for one thing, the company is virtually recession proof. Almost every big company in the country is a client. As is almost every health plan. Everyone needs us. Next.. I am doing what I did at my job two jobs ago and I loved it. I was good at it. Third.. in this horrible economy (and yes.. it is way worse in Detroit than anywhere) not only did I not have to take a pay cut, I got a raise. I was astounded. Last but not least, once I am trained, I will be able to work from home couple days a week and have all the flexibility one could ever want. How blessed am I?

7. Due to #6, we had to hire a nanny.. and a lawn service.. and a housekeeper... and you would think that with the way the economy is here that this would have been a snap right? Honestly, this could be 4 posts on it's own. Suffice to say it was a horribly frustrating experience, but we found a great one and she is working out fabulous so far!

So that has been what is going on with me and what I have been doing the past three months. Oh yeah.. I still haven't unpacked.

As for the babies.. where to begin? The last three months has changed my infants into almost toddlers! They are amazing. And happy. And loving. And beautiful. I see all these multiples coming to early and scaring their parents half to death lately and I get choked up. For them of course and their struggles, but how did I get so lucky? Really? How? I tend to think sometimes that my life has been a series of ridiculous struggle after ridiculous struggle. And I get really down. I think sense the infertility, things don't roll off me like they once did.

But I have three healthy beautiful boys that make all the other shit go away. How blessed am I?

Very.

Well..

2009-04-14T17:45:00.001-07:00

I really hate that all of a sudden this blog seems to have become my place to vent. This is supposed to be the place the I record all of the goings on with the babies. After all, it did start out as an infertility blog. Lately, it's really become the place I go to because really.. I don't have another outlet right now.

I've said it over and over again. What a difference a year makes in ones life. And of course that can go for the better or for the worse. I always try to remind myself of that little saying when I am feeling at a crossroads with life.

Last year at this time, I was newly pregnant and had just found out that not only was I pregnant, but that it was triplets. I don't mean to belittle those of you who may read this blog who have given birth one at a time or even to twins. But triplets is well.. harder. Just as I am sure that the person who had quads could say to me.. girl.. if you only knew. The change that the pregnancy and birth of the triplets has brought to my life has been beyond my wildest dreams. I won't state the obvious changes. I am sure you can guess what it does to ones pocket book, sleep patterns, and decor of the house that is now filled with swings, excersaucers, and jumparoos. But, tomorrow, I am facing yet another repercussion of my infertility. I am losing my job.

Things were really going great for me at work when I found out I was pregnant. I had just got promoted, was happily plugging away on the two biggest clients we had and had a great relationship with everyone. Clients, management.. everyone. Then I found out I was pregnant with the triplets and all of a sudden, I could no longer work long hours. I couldn't plan for the future. Then I ended up having to be done with work at 22 weeks due to my preterm labor issues and ending up in the hospital. I had to go on bed rest. Then once the boys were born, I thought it best to take an extended leave of absence in order to keep them out of daycare during RSV and flu season.

As a result, my clients are gone, I've been replaced on what was left, our firm is suffering due to the horrible economy in Detroit and thus.. I am completely expendable. No one will miss me. I've never been "let go" or "laid off" from a job in my life. In fact.. the polar opposite. When I've given notice at my last couple of jobs before this, the reaction was.. why? What can we do to keep you? And here I am. In the worst economy since the depression, in the worst state in the country, in the worst town. And with three newborn babies to support.

Oh the irony.

It would be different if it were just me that I had to worry about but it's not. It's my husband, my babies, my dogs. Hell.. even my cleaning lady and baby sitter who depend on us for money.

I am trying to find a silver lining in this. That I'll be able to spend more time with my babies. Time with them being little that I'll never get back. Perhaps now I am guaranteed to be the one who is there to see them sit up for the first time, crawl for the first time and even walk for the first time. Perhaps now, I'll be the one who hears their first word instead of a daycare worker. Perhaps this is the way it's supposed to be, right? I did wait 35 years for the chance to do this. I did go through 2 years of heartbreak and fertility treatments to get here right? So this is my chance, right? No paycheck is worth it is it?

So why am I scared to death?

Someone shoot me.. please.

2009-04-04T07:58:00.001-07:00

Honest to god.

Today is Saturday. So Jeff is home. We get done feeding the babies, I get them dressed.. get in to take a shower. Now.. I enjoy my Saturday and Sunday showers. Since he is here with my mom, I don't have to take a 2 minute shower. I can actually take a 10-15 minute one and wash my hair! And I look forward to washing my hair twice a week!! Jeff and my mom "get along". But this whole living situation has unfortunately tarnished the view each had of each other before she came to stay with us. We've had some really rough moments, but lately.. things had been going ok.

So.. while I am in the shower, I hear a door close - loudly. Not a slam.. but loudly. And I know it's my mom's door. I get out and it's still shut. So I look at Jeff and go.. huh? He says.. I was walking by from the babies room to our room and her door was cracked like 4 inches or so and I could see her in there naked and changing! So I shut it and I am not sorry I did. I don't need to see that.

I cringed.

I am pissed. Ok.. did you have to acknowledge it? My mom acts like a 10 year old on her best days and this is just going to piss her off and totally embarrass the crap out of her. I was like.. thanks a lot dude! Great way to start of the weekend when I already had a great enough week!
He immediately gets pissed and starts yelling at me again, that he is not sorry.

My mom goes downstairs. I talk to her like normal. She goes back upstairs with her cereal and shuts her bedroom door. Loudly.

Really. Can someone shoot me?

I had a rough week. Mentally. The boys are finally sleeping somewhat better and it's amazing what a little sleep can do for ones outlook on the day. But this house business was really getting the better of me. I was convinced we wouldn't hear from the bank in the near future, thus causing us to have to pay another $2500 for a nonhomestead fee if the house wasn't closed by May 1. Not to mention still being in this house locked up like sardines. But I had talked it out in my head that if it wasn't m'eant to be.. then it wasn't. You see.. we've resigned ourselves to the fact that we're going to have to forclose on our current house to get out of it. Whether you agree with it or not is not why I am blogging about it. And I don't care to hear how we're contributing to the mortgage meltdown in this country. I realize that, but I didn't start it and we won't be the ones who finish it either. It's a decision we feel we had to make for the sake of our growing by the day family. And in Detroit, selling the house you're in and even breaking even is not even a remote possibility for the indefinite future.

Then we hear on the house. All is well right? Well.....

I read over my leave papers from work. It says I return on May 1. I didn't realize it at the time, but May 1 is a Friday. So I think.. why would I go back on Friday. Monday makes more sense. And the daycare needs to know what my plan is. They could take more kids on Friday if mine are not there. It is there lively-hood after all.. so of course they want to know.

So I email my supervisor and the head of my department. Which day? No biggie.. just let me know. No response. I call both. No response. I am being ignored. Avoided. Coincidence? Let me also remind you all that my two biggest clients have dumped us and everything I would do the rest of the year no longer exists for me to go back to. And.. since I am on unpaid LOA, they are under no obligation to restore me to my previous role. Humm... what do I smell here?

Finally I get a one line email from my supervisor. The big boss is out of the office (which is bs cause I know he was in in the morning yesterday as my spies tell me) and he'll call me next week. So what I thought was a no brainer question has turned into "the boss will call you next week". Now there are two ways I can view this:

1. I am about to be layed off. Let go.. whatever.
2. I could never get a straight answer out of my boss when I sat three feet from him. All he would say is that "it's out of my hands, talk to big boss" and getting the time of the big boss is like an audience with the Holy Grail. When I was about to go out on maternity leave last summer.. I had emailed him.. called him.. gone into his office while he was there and could NOT. NOT get 3 minutes of his time even when it related to actual work I needed a decision on to move forward. When discussing the terms of my leave, I had to actually call our HR department in our Chicago office and have them call him to FORCE him to have the leave conversation with me. I kid not. I was ready to drop three babies and couldn't get his time.

So choose your option.

Either way, it leaves me worried and upset about my job. Me and the other million people in this area still hanging to their jobs by a thread. Do we still close on this new house and drain half of our savings on the down payment and moving to get into something we can actually live in? Some place we can be comfortable long term and with the school district, as we would never send them to the schools where we live now. Godforbid Jeff lose his job too..would we have possibly two forclosed houses to our name?

We really don't know what to do right now.

On the verge...

2009-04-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

I think I am hormonal or something. I've been on the "verge" lately. True.. I did sort of snap on my mom and Jeff on Sunday after the no sleep night. I was like.. I need help around this house. And it's not going to get any better. Especially since I let our cleaning lady go on Monday. Am I insane? No.. we need the money. Anyway.. there's just been so much going on.

Then.. the other night, a couple of my old coworkers came by. It was great to see them, nice visit, but one of them was like.. so when do you think they will lay you off? I was like..huh? Do you know something I don't? True.. we're hurting right now and everyone is nervous, but would it necessarily be me who goes? Who knows!! So I was like.. gee.. thanks for putting these thoughts in my head as if I didn't already have them.

Of course then there is the house. It was over two weeks ago that we put the offer in and we've been waiting on the short sale approval. What I have learned in this is that it's soooo hard when you want something so bad for the good of your children and not be able to secure it. We're basically throwing our asses out the window to get this house because we need the space. But of course we have no control over it. There are so many factors that will go into getting this house but I've had to convince myself.. well.. maybe it isn't meant to be. And there was a sign from the universe.. my realtor called this afternoon and the bank approved it. I couldn't believe it! Now, we just have to formally apply for the loan and close. I am crossing my fingers that nothing.. NOTHING ELSE comes up to prolong this!

Ahhh Sleep...

2009-04-01T08:43:00.001-07:00

Things are so much brighter when you've had more than 3 hours of broken sleep per night!

The boys teething was wrecking havoc on our whole house. OMG. How long is this going to go on? I started using Tylenol when I need to. Not sparingly or once a week like I the drug police. I've also started with the Hyland teething tablets and orajel. Seems to be helping.. and Sleep training!! Now.. I talk like my boys were horrible sleepers. But the reality is that they are not. The problem when you have three infants sharing a room is that say.. one of them wakes and wants their paci at 1:00 am.. you might not hear from that infant till 6 again. But if you have one that does it at 1, another at 2, and yet another at 3.. and then one who was born at 3 pounds and change that still can't make it through the night without a bottle screaming for it at 4... well.. it all adds up to NO SLEEP FOR MOM!!

The other thing that was really starting to wear on me was the napping issue. Again.. when you have three.. getting them to nap at the same time is like trying to climb Mt. Everest. Nearly impossible. And you can't really sleep train a 3 month old preemie. So you do what you have to and accept the fact that you will always be carrying around a baby during the waking hours.

So this week, I put the Baby Whisperer into full effect. They boys actually go down to sleep at night like a dream. We feed them, put them in the crib and boom.. down they go. So when they wake now..we only sooth. I won't feed them until at the very earliest 4 am. And I am going to stretch it more every night. Today.. it was 6:30 am!! YAHOO. I think once they start daycare and have to rise and be out of the house earlier, it will completely eliminate the need for the early early am feed. And naps.. for the last three days, I put them down at 10:30 and again at 2pm. And I leave them there for at least one hour in the morning and 90 minutes in the afternoon. It's working. There is some crying, but it's really happening!

It hit me today that I only have two more weeks of full time at home with the boys. I can't believe it's almost over. All the complaining and crying that I've done when I have felt overwhelmed.. now i feel awful and I am going to miss my babies every day.

This sucks.

Just one of those days...

2009-03-25T18:46:00.000-07:00

I am entitled to them every once and a while right? Today was one. I sometimes remember the life I used to have and think wow.. that wasn't that long ago. The difference in my life from this time last year to today... oh my god.. there is no resemblance what so ever.

The boys are having a tough time at night right now. We do get a couple good nights here and there, but lately it's been more bad than good. They are teething something fierce. Those of you with one, or even two children teething at a time know how painful that one or two can be. Three.. yeah.. you can only imagine right? So I am sleep deprived for sure. And it's always me who is getting up in the middle of the night. Not once, twice or three times. There are nights when I am out of my bed at least 10 times. And they have not dropped the early morning feeding yet. So there is always a feed between 4 and 6. I am exhausted. Jeff and my mom do get up to help me with the feed, but in between, it's me. Jeff doesn't hear them and by the time I would wake him up, I am up so what's the point in both of us being exhausted? And they are not my mom's kids. They are ours.

My mom pissed me off something crazy today. We were getting the boys ready to go on a couple errands. It was raining so I needed her to go and stay in the car with the boys so I could run in the stores. And no.. I can't just leave them all home. My mom will not stay home with all three alone. She's not comfortable with it. So as we are getting ready, my mom comes down stairs and I smell it.. perfume. Now.. I am allergic to almost all perfumes out there and I am hyper sensitive to smells. I almost gagged. i was like.. why the fuck would you spray yourself with perfume when you are about to get in a fucking small space like a car with me and 3 babies????????? Someone please tell me why this is logical? I said something to her in a more diplomatic fashion and she FREAKED on me. She was so pissed that I was not ok with this.. omg. I told her to grow the fuck up and stay home. I left with the babies myself and road around. It was raining so I couldn't take them out of the car and do any errands. Such is the life with triplets.

Then there's my husband. Love him to death and he does help with the boys. But... I wish he would do more. And I know he knows he needs to do more to help me. He even commented on it last night. I take care of the babies. I take out the trash, I do all the dishes, laundry, folding, making formula, making bottles, picking up the dog shit, taking care of the dogs. Honestly.. I am starting to freak out about how the fuck i am going to manage my life when I go back to work in 5 weeks. And we think we need to get rid of our cleaning lady because that's money we need to allocate in a different spot now with our gigantic daycare bill. Never mind the fact that our new house is more than double the size of our current one. Only 3500 square feet for me to try to clean.

Last but not least on my mind today. Is my body. I went shopping yesterday to find an outfit to wear to the boys baptism and I left the store in tears. My body is a total fat mess. I've lost weight for sure but I don't think that even matters. My stomach is a mess of stretch marks and flab. I need plastic surgery for sure.

Don't get me wrong. I couldn't love those little monkey's more. But if anyone out there is wishing for twins or triplets, stop and think about the challenges it brings with it. Personal and financial. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. And this is AFTER the difficult pregnancy, 3 months of bed rest, and almost dying in the delivery. I was lucky enough to carry them to 33 weeks+ and that they are all healthy! And I've had my mom here helping me since they were born. I don't know how any mom of triplets does this alone. I really don't. At least up to a certain age.

I am feeling really overwhelmed right now. sigh...

Never a dull moment... and 5 months old!!!

2009-03-18T19:19:00.001-07:00

And I guess that's ok. My life has been a series of controled choatic events for a long time now so I should be used to it right?

Let's see... here's what we have been up to...

First.. planning the babies baptism. Not a big deal right? HA!! We're having the baptism 500 miles from our house in my home town so we could do it in my home parish. I haven't really connected with a church here so I really feel that I want them baptized where I was baptized. And since my husband now considers himself and atheist (that's a whole other conversation that we just don't have), the religious aspect of the babies being is my responsibility. And I want them baptized no question. So.... I designed invitations, ordered them, addressed them, reserved the church, took a baptism class at my local church, arranged the three sets of godparents, reserved a hall for the lunch after, hotel rooms, rental van so we can travel up there since our freakin car won't cut it, shopped and bought their baptismal outfits, and I still have to get to the catering for the lunch yet! Thank god my sister is making the cake!!! Love you sis!

Next.. daycare arrangements. Let's just say that it was EXTREMELY difficult to find child care for three infants under $2000 a month. Extremely. I found someone willing to do it in her home. A husband wife team. We'll see how it goes. My real goal is to get a nanny to come to my house, but while they are this young, I really feel it is a two person job. But after the first of the year, I'll be nanny shopping!

Next.. house hunting. We are dying in our house and we've had it. And it's only going to get worse. We don't even have space for the third crib that really needs to be up now. If we can't move by May 1, we're going to have to somehow smush a pack n play into the nursery and just take it down in the morning so we can walk in there during the day. I seriously hope it doesn't come to this. On the plus side, we've put an offer in on a house about 15-20 minutes from our current one. It's not in the suburb I wish it was, but still a very nice area with great schools. We just can't get what we want in the suburb I wish for. Still to much money. And if we move a bit further, we can get the space we want and desperately need. This house is 2900 square feet with another 500 in the partially finished basement. And.. it's on .75 of an acre of land!!! It's absolutely perfect for our family. And best of all, is in immaculate condition. We don't have to do anything to it that we don't want to. We are so excited about this house and hope it works out and they take our offer soon!

And the babies? well... They were weighed today..
Nate: 14 pounds 13 ounces
Ben: 13 pounds even
Alex: 14 pounds 4 ounces

I am SO happy! They are thriving! They will be 5 months old on Friday. Where does the time go? We've started rice cereal twice a day. Once in their bottle and once spoon feed. I've also given them applesauce and today.. they all got sweet potatoes for the first time. Alex is loving every second of this food. Nate.. it's hit or miss. Ben.. same thing. hit or miss.

Other stuff..
- We had our first walk around the block in the triple stroller on Sunday as a family. We've taken the stroller out to the mall and such, but this was the first day I felt it was warm enough to be outside. We lapped 3 blocks and I thought I was going to die. Between the car seats, stroller, and weight of the babies.. I think I was pushing at least 50 pounds!! I was sweating bullets! LOL If I do that two or three times a week.. holy work out!

- The babbling has begun. Especially Nate. He never stops! Love it!
- They are all in size two diapers.
- They are all grasping and putting things to their mouths
- Rolling over is second nature now
- They are starting to notice each other now!

Ahhh.. I am sure I am forgetting something. So I'll save it for the next post! Oh. the pic is me and the boys on St. Patty's day in our greens! Their shirts say.. kiss me, I'm Irish!

The triplets have landed

2009-03-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

LOL

Our 5 day transfer with the triplets was one year ago today. Wow.. I can't believe it was a year ago already! Where has the time gone? And for anyone who is facing IVF in the near future, this was the cycle I was POSITIVE was going to fail. To be more clear, it was post transfer that I thought I really screwed up. The day of the transfer, I went home, did the best rest thing. The next day, all hell broke lose in my family and I did anything but rest and stay stress free. It was awful. I was hysterical, upset, livid, you name it for the entire 2 week wait and not only did those little embryo's settle in.. one split! Maybe that's what I got for being such a basket case right? Who knows... in any case, it worked against popular odds!

In other news.. we have SO much going on in our house.

First of all, we having the babies baptised on April 19th. So, I've attended our baptism class, ordered invitations, invited the god parents, made hotel reservations, talked with caterers, cake makers, shopped for outfits.. good lord. This is going to quite the production. We're having it in my home town, which is 500 miles away. So we also need to rent a van as we don't have a big enough vehicle to get us, the boys and all their crap up there for 4 days. Crazy!

Next.. I've had to secure daycare. Not easy. Then throw in the fact that I asked my boss if I could go down to 3 or 4 days a week almost 2 months ago and have not heard back. Plus the fact I need three full time spots.. gee.. thanks buddy! Let me just wait on you and see if I can find 3 full time daycare openings in less than 4 weeks time. Right on. I really wanted them to go to daycare in my building, but to say it would cost a fortune is an understatement. It wouldn't even be worth me going back. So it looks like we are going with this in home daycare. It's a husband/wife team. They do alot of latch key and a couple toddlers. It's really not my ideal situation. Their house is small. Really small. But the price is right. So for now, while they are really little and don't need much space and cost a fortune, they will go there. They do seem like nice people, are licesened and all that. So we'll see how it goes. It takes my breath away that someone else will have my kids almost more than me.

Last but not least.. we're house hunting. We need a bigger house. We're dying in this house and it's only going to get worse. We're going to have to have some creative financing to get out of this house and bring some money to the table, but we think we can do it. We're going to try. But what a process. I am so nervous about this house. As I was walking in to a couple houses we were looking at yesterday, I was just nerve wracked. When we shopped for this house, it was sooo fun. I knew that this house was the starter house. This new house will be THE house. The 20 year house. It's so much pressure! This will be where our boys have their first steps, birthdays, proms, ugh!! It's a big deal!

One year ago...oh.. and SO many things going on..

2009-03-07T18:33:00.000-08:00

So this is one of those nostalgic posts to start with. Today is March 7th. One year ago March 5th was the day of our egg retrieval for the IVF that resulted in our triplets. It was seriously the most nerve wracked day of my life thus far. Seeing as how I didn't even want to do the IVF, I was still so afraid of the failure. But this time, it wasn't for my failure. I was afraid of letting my husband down and ruining his chances for a biological child. I was having a major guilt trip. All of our fertility issues are mine. He is just fine! Seeing as how I got pregnant the first month we ever tried.. there is some good swimmers in there! It was just my faulty fallopian tubes.

But he talked me into it and we did it. We tweaked my protocol a bit. Nothing major, but just tweaks here and there. It is so strange to go from a cycle that produces only a chemical pregnancy to triplets. What. the. hell. I am still baffled. Not only triplets, but 4 frozen embroy's also! The transfer took place on March 10th. I got my BFP on.. of all days... Easter Sunday. Truly the biggest blessing of my life. I really felt "watched over" if that makes any sense at all. Ahh well.. so easy for me to get nostalgic. Almost every time I look at the boys, I get weepy and think.. how did I get this lucky. Even when they are waking me up at 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am.. like last night, I am still the luckiest girl I know.

Anyhooo... the boys are up to so much lately. It's like they change or pick up a new skill over night now. All three have rolled. Alex is rolling around like a mad man. We can't keep him down! They are reaching for toys, putting them in their mouths, eating their fingers like crazy! They all started sitting in the bumbo seat this week to start practicing sitting up. I put the little tray on there so that they can also have toys in view. So far.. they love the linky doo things. Love them! I put them everywhere.

They must be growth spurting too. They have gone from 4.5 - 5 ounces a feed to 6-7 ounces every feed now. Good for them, but holy CRAP are we going through formula now. O. M. G. Especially Bens $25 a can liquid gold Nutramigen. But he is doing so well I am not taking him off of it now. Not for at least two more months and his diet is more food than formula. His health is worth the cost. At least we have the other two boys on the Sams Club equivalent of Gentlease. We have also had our first "solid" food! I have added rice cereal to their bottles a few times over the last week and tried spoon feeding it too. They do really well with it in their bottles. So we've also moved up to the medium flow nipples and I bought some fast flow too, just in case. Eating it off the spoon is another story. Nate doesn't seem to mind and took a few bites. Ben is ok with it, but not to excited about it. But he is familiar with the spoon feed because we feed him his prevacid with apple sauce and the spoon. Alex... does NOT like that spoon one stinkin bit. You should see the face! oh boy! I have to get some shots this week. I had Jeff put out their high chairs today, so they will be going in them hopefully tomorrow for the first time so Jeff can be here to see it! Can't wait! Such a huge step for our little men! We'll stick with the cereal for the next two weeks and then we'll move on when they hit 5 months! I do feel like it's early but honestly, they are so hungry all the time, it's like they can't get full. So... I gotta feed them!

As for their sleeping...it's hit or miss lately. Sometimes they will sleep through the night, others.. someone is up every freakin hour or half hour. Like last night. I got NO sleep. ugh. They were sleeping so so so good and they hit 4 months and BANG. Shot to shit. But.. they still sleep through the night about 2 times a week right now.

In other news, they will be starting daycare soon. UGHGGGGGG. I am SO upset about it. I can't believe my time off with them will be coming to a close soon. 6 more weeks. We seem to have found a provider. It's a husband wife team who do it in their house. They currently have no infants. A couple toddlers and some latch key kids os they will take all three of my boys and for a VERY reasonable price. They seem nice and I think they can do it. My only only hesitation is that I was not thrilled with their house. While clean, it's not the most updated place. It's small. But, my boys aren't mobile right now anyway is how I am looking at it. I would much rather they be in a big center, but ugh.. we can't afford to spend $2200 a month in daycare. And that is literally what the center in my building quoted me for all three. Seriously. Give me a break. $550 a week and they think they are giving me a break!

And I didn't know I was going to be one of "those" moms. I am so seriously heartbroken that I won't be the one caring for my babes all the time. I do need to go back to work both financially and mentally, but I am going to miss them so much it makes me twitch. I am crying just typing this. ugh. I am so nervous.

Anyway.. that's the update. There are 400 other things going on in our house right now.. but those are separate posts on their own. Suffice to say.. I am so busy I can't see straight right now.

Ben's big day!

2009-02-24T19:00:00.000-08:00

It was a big day for our little peanut man! Ok.. so he will probably kill me for calling him that someday, but oh well! It's a term of endearment for sure!

Ben was our little man at birth. He only weighed 3 pounds 10 ounces to the other boys 5 pounds 5 ounces. He still hasn't caught up to them but he is going to soon, I know it. Because of his low birth weight, he doesn't have the head control yet of the other two boys. He's just a bit behind for now.
But, we work very hard on his tummy time to get him strong every day.

This afternoon, I had the boys on the Rain Forest play mat. I put Ben on his tummy and I am always rolling them around to try to get them to roll on their own. Alex and Nate have both rolled already and today, Ben rolled from his tummy to his back!! Of course, he did it in the 5 seconds I had stepped into the bathroom to warm up bottles. Next thing I know I hear my mom yell... He did it!!! He did it! Sure enough.. there he was on his back when I walked back in the room!!!

Then tonight, he decided to officially one up his big brothers! My mom was holding him as we were getting ready for the last feeding of the night and my mom was dangling a little toy rattle in front of him, and sure enough.. he started to reach and grab at it! Now.. I *think* I have seen the other two boys start to try this too, but never matter of fact actually grab. Ben... was AFTER that toy!! He was so owning it! My little big man!!

Love you Ben!

4 Months Old!!

2009-02-20T12:21:00.000-08:00

Wow...the time does fly for sure!

The boys are up to sooo much!!

-First and foremost.. Nate rolled over from his back to his belly this week! That makes two of three who have rolled so far! yeah!
-They have now all found their thumb and have done time sucking on it. it's sooo cute!
-They won't stop eating and sucking their hands and fingers
-They are standing on their legs, especially alex
-They talk and babble nonstop. Nonstop! Ben has now earned the nickname of babbling Ben!

Other than that, things are going well this week with all occupants of the house. The loan dark spot is that boys sleeping has been kind of crappy this week. They still have been doing a good 4 hour stretch but wake up between 4-5 and it's been hard to get them back down unless we get them all up and give them a bottle. So I've been tired this week for sure. Alex also seems to maybe have a bit of a tummy bug. He's thrown up a couple times and his poop has been icky!

Nate's fistula has also been a sore spot this week. We went back to the surgeon today and the second spot is definitely another fistula. He had to lance and drain it. UGH. So gross. He still wants to put off surgery for at least another 4-6 weeks. The poor baby. He was not happy with that little procedure today.

Here is a pic from Valentines day last week with them all in their cute attire!

Almost Famous

2009-02-16T15:30:00.000-08:00

So.. I've been making an effort to try to get out more. Sure, the weather still isn't the best and it's still technically RSV season. But my pediatrician said she's never had a patient get it twice in one year. And I really don't think me pushing the stroller around the mall is going to get them sick so... I loaded the babies, my mom, and the triple stroller into the car today and off we went to the mall!

Now, there is another motive pushing me out. Today my cleaning lady was here so I really wanted to get out of her way for a bit. So why not?

I didn't think about the fact that today was presidents day and schools were closed as were many business and the mall was actually very very busy. But oh well. Needless to say.. that triple stroller attracts a crowd!! Holy crap. I couldn't get 5 feet without someone running over to look. And several times, there was literally a crowd hovering to see the babies. Who, I may add, behaved like perfect angels! They didn't fuss once! They snoozed on and off and had their big blue eyes open for all to see. They even flashed some smiles when I prompted them with my crazy antics. They were just beyond cute.

And since they were being so good, this meant my mom and I actually shopped. For them of course! I picked up some cute stuff for them in Baby Gap and my mom.. bless her heart... bought them the most beautiful outfits at Janie & Jack. Which you all know is like mucho bucks for anything in there. I can't wait for them to wear those outfits this fall! Beautiful!

So today was a great day. I felt...normal. Well.. sort of normal pushing my triple stroller around with my 3 beautiful boys.

Someone pinch me please!

Window gate 2009

2009-02-12T06:10:00.000-08:00

Ok seriously. Again.. who is lying to me? My mother or my husband.

It was warm in Detroit yesterday. Warm for February anyway. I know that sometimes I have a tendency to crack open the bathroom window to alleviate certain odors (use your imagination).
But yesterday was not one of those days. I was in the bathroom alot yesterday due to a visit from aunt flo that is not only vengeful, but more like an assault on my body. And it was a windy day.

My point to all of this is that I would have noticed if the window was open. And the last time I was in there was about 11:15 last night. Only my mother went in after me.

I was woke up at 3:50 by Alex fussing. I ran in and put his binky back in his mouth. And noticed immediately it was FRIGID cold all over the upstairs. I ran into the bathroom cause I could hear the wind. The window was WIDE FREAKIN OPEN LIKE IT WAS A 75 DEGREE DAY. It seriously had to be 50 degrees upstairs of my house.

So I ask my mother.. did you open the window? Nope. I ask my husband..did you open the window? Nope. In all fairness, my babysitter was here until 5 yesterday. But I seriously doubt she opened it and that I wouldn't have noticed in my 8 subsequent trips in there last night.

So who is lying? I think I know...

God.. I love this situation. Have I mentioned that?

Happy Birthday to me!

2009-02-08T17:03:00.000-08:00

LOL.

I had a pretty good birthday! It started out a bit shaky, but it recovered nicely.
My sister and niece came over for the night to help my mom babysit. Jeff and I went to the Melting Pot for dinner and then.... we got a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub and a bottle of champagne! It was so nice!! omg.. We just hung out, sat in the tub, we even rented a pay per view movie and watched it all the way through! However.. I didn't actually sleep very good which sucked. I think it was a combination of thinking about the boys and the movie we watched was the Changeling and all about a mother who loses her only son to a kidnapping and murder. ugh. Man.. we should have rented the 4 Christmas movie! Oh well.. it was sooooooo nice to be with Jeff and reconnect.

Well, the reason my day started shaky was because of yet another incident with my mother. Ugh. I honestly don't know how much longer she can stay with us. The thought of her leaving and having to deal with all three babies on my own Monday - Friday while Jeff is at work sends me into convulsions but is it worth it? I know I could do it but it is soooo much easier having a second set of hands. But then again.. the disruptions it's causing is almost starting to outweigh the help she gives.

For starters, my mom came from a hard situation when she moved in with us in October when the babies were born. She is disgruntled, miserable, negative, critical.. you name it. I am not saying that she doesn't have a right to feel the way she does, but it's carrying over to me. I don't do anything right. I don't feed the babies on time, I let them cry to much, the house is to small, it's to cold, I don't feed them enough, my husband is an ass (oh and this has ruined my mother and husbands relationship completely) I am on the computer to much.. shall I go on?? But when I get pissed and blow up with it all.. she cries, says she wants to die.. jesus christ. I already have three babies in this house and I seriously have a 4th with her.

The shit part of this is that she can't "just leave" and go home. She has no home to go back to. She was living with her boyfriend and she broke it off with him, put all her shit in storage and came to live with us. So if she does leave, she needs time to find a place. And then she doesn't know where that will be.. by us or back in my home town. I think she needs to just go home to our home town. She can't handle it here in the city. It's waaaaaayyyy to much for her. But then I think the thought of not seeing the boys more than 4 or 5 times a year is to much for her to bear too. But.. its to far for us to travel and to much of a hassel to even do 4 or 5 times now. And she's afraid to drive it alone..flying is to expensive (about $500 in and out of our tiny home town). I could go on and on. There are no good solutions. None.

I love my mom and don't want to see my relationship with her ruined, but I don't know how much longer I can go on. I really don't. I am getting beat up on both sides of this from my mother and my husband. I don't really think I ever got post partum depression, but I'll tell you, this situation is certainly my cross to bear.

Milestones

2009-02-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

If I don't type this up now, I am going to forget. The boys have had several big things happening in the last couple weeks!

1. Alex rolled over! He was on his stomach and rolled to his back! I was like.. did he really just do that? Holy moly!! That happened on January 28th.

2. Nate and Ben slept through the night! This happened for the first time on Feb 1.. Super Bowl Sunday! One to remember my little men!!

3. They are coo'ing, giggling, and laughing like crazy!! It is the damn cutest thing I have ever seen or heard!

4. They have found their hands this week and are constantly putting them in their mouths. I think I may have a couple of thumb suckers on the way here.. LOL

5. They stand on their feet when we hold them up in our laps. Alex and Nate have amazing head/neck control. Especially Alex. Ben is doing good with his too, but is not quite as advanced as his bigger brothers

And.. drum roll please...

6. Nate, Ben, AND Alex all slept through the night on February 4th-5th!! I put them down at 10 after their 9 pm bottle. Alex fussed once at 5 am and I went in and put the pacifier back in his mouth and that was it until 7:30!! yeah little men.

I am sure it won't be happening every night but I'll take what I can get!!

Weights as of Thursday, January 29th were:
Nate: 12 pounds 7 ounces
Alex: 11 pounds 10 ounces
Ben: 10 pounds 11 ounces

Yeah for big growing boys! They have kicked up their amount of formula that they eat per feeding a bit too. They are all regularly eating at least 4 ounces per feeding and sometimes closer to five. At the feed before bed, they actually do 5-6 ounces and Alex did 7 the other night!

Can't wait to feed them when they are 16!! LOL

We are 3 months old!!

2009-01-26T15:30:00.000-08:00

How did this happen? And.. aren't we cute???????

Breathe...

2009-01-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

I am breathing a bit better today. I've had a break. From my mom at least. She went to stay at my sisters on Thursday and isn't coming back until tomorrow (Sunday). We soooo needed a break.

Jeff has been off this week due to a mandatory 'time off' iniative throughout his company. To try to save more lay offs. So he could take this week as paid vacation or take it unpaid. His choice. We choose for him to take it paid, since I am now officially unpaid in my leave. And who the hell knows what is going to happen with my job. My biggest client officially fired us this week so I literally will have nothing to do all summer and fall unless we get new business. Ha. Although, word is that some of our big automotive clients here in Detroit no longer have any internal staff so they may need us more. Good lord this town SUCKS. I am going to ask my boss about coming back part time. This would not only help me and my family but perhaps my cause to not lay me off at work if they only have to pay me like 75% of my salary for awhile.

So Jeff and I have been on our own with the babies for three days now and it's been great. We have handled all three boys really well. It doesn't hurt that for the last week and a half, they have been sleeping AWSOME. *knock on wood*. They have been going down at 11 and sleeping until about 4 am. Then we do bottles from 4-5. And from 5-8:30ish.. they sleep again! NICE. If only Jeff didn't have to go back to work. LOL

We brought them in to the Dr. on Thursday for their 3 month check up and shots.
They weighed:
Nate: 12 pounds!
Alex: 11 pounds 9 ounces!
Ben: 10 pounds 5 ounces!

How exciting! They are getting so big now! The smiles continue to roll and speaking of rolling.... Alex rolled from his stomach to his back yesterday!!!! They are also laughing out loud now and it is the cutest damn thing.

Things are going good and we continue to wait for the Spring!

I plead... Insanity..

2009-01-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

In my life. No kidding.

The last 4 weeks have been a total blur. It started just before Christmas. There was a constant parade of relatives and friends visiting us. It was fun! But... then Jeff brought home an unwelcome guest: A cold.

The babies got it. Bad. To make a long story short cause I am sure most of you who read my blog know me from the boards and know from there and Facebook about the boys bought with RSV and pneumonia. So one 8 day stay in the hospital and ulcer and bronchitis later for me..we're home and getting back into normal life.

Well..sort of normal. We're officially shut ins and it's really taking a toll on me. The weather has been terrible. Besides the weekly farking blizzards, the temperatures here have been in the single digits. We can't take the boys anywhere in this crap. Especially after what they have just been through. I have been shut up in this house since July when I went on bed rest and it's messing with my mind.

Another big issues right now is my mother. She has been living with us since the babies were born and I think we're about to kill each other. She is so god damn negative about everything I can't take it. When the boys got sick.. it was "I just knew it. I just knew it". And every time they cough or sneeze now, she is quick to diagnos them with some other communicable disease. I got so pissed off last week when she was diagnosing Alex with strep throat (really.. he had cried so much his cry was hoars) that I blurted back..."maybe he has fucking cancer!!!" That said, if she left now, I don't know how I would care for the boys alone all day every day. I am sure there are triplet moms out there who have done it, but I seriously can't imagine. It would be so so so hard.

Then there is the constant reminder that she gives me that I need a bigger house. She constantly bitches about our house and it's one bathroom status. Believe me. I am the first person to cry about the fact we need a bigger house. BAD. When we bought this house, it was perfect for us. In the hippest suburb of Detroit, walking distance from tons of bars and restaurants, 10 minute drives to work for both of us. And it's a darling old house with about 1600 square feet and 3 bedrooms. But because it's old, there is one bathroom and a small kitchen. We thought it was the perfect starter house for us and like one kid. 5 years max.

Well.. we will hit 5 years in this house in September. And here we are with 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 mother in law and us. There is no room for the partridge in a pear tree anymore. Oh yeah.. and the worst economy in the country. Our beautiful house has depreciated in value about $30,000 or more since we bought it due to the state of the state here in Michigan and particularly in Detroit. I don't have to tell you how the Big 3 need bailing out by the government and this town is suffering because of it. If we sell this house in the near future, we'd have to some how finance a $30K loss or more. Oh.. and pay for closing... and a down payement on a new house... Honestly, we're considering walking away from it and fore-closing. It would be cheaper. And since the house is only in my name since we weren't married when I bought it, we would only screw my credit. How sad is it that we are seriously considering this option because we are so desperate. If I lose my job, that's probably going to happen. And that looks like a major possiblity now also.

It's hard to wrap my head around everything going on. While I am so thankful and greatful to be a mother, there are a whole new set of worries. My job, the house, paying for Ben's $25 a can formula. How will I care for them when my mom is gone? If only it were warmer and I could just take the boys out for a walk every day. Maybe my head would be a little more clear.

2 Months Old!!

2008-12-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

So we had our two month check up yesterday. It went ok. And just ok. It was seriously chaos. We roll in there like a traveling freak show. Everyone stares and you hear the comments.. "look at that! THREE!!" Yes.. three.

The first strike we had going against us was that the appt was at 1:30. Well, as the timing fell that day, it was feeding time. So we got there with 3 hungry babies. They have to strip them all down for weights and measurements which the babies hate when they are not hungry and tired. Talk about screaming. We had to have one nurse doing the weighing and measuring, me and Jeff stripping them down and dressing them back up and two more nurses to help us feed them. I think we had half the office staff in that room with us. Yes.. I told you it was chaos.

Anyway.. the babies weighed in at:
Nate: 10 pounds 3 ounces
Ben: 8 pounds 11 ounces
Alex: 9 pounds 12 ounces

The Dr. was very happy with those weights.

The main point of the visit was to do the two month vaccination shots. We were really conflicted as to do the regular schedule or an alternative. We are really sensitive to these vaccinations as my sister has an autistic son and has some very strong opinions on the subject. So I promised I would proceed with caution. We did two shots. The HIB and.. of crap(save place I forget the name). We go back next month for a 3 month visit.

Now for the really fun part. Nate and Alex both had to have a stool sample test to see if they had this alleged slight milk allergy that Ben has. To get a sample, they had to stick q-tips in their little butts. Ok.. talk about opening the flood gates. Alex and Nate would NOT STOP POOPING. I went through 4 diapers each while we were there. Good lord! It was so nasty.

Turns out, Alex did test slight positive too. But because he is not screaming through his feeds like Ben, she doesn't see the need to put him on the Nutramigen formula. Nate was fine.

So Ben.. he is still screaming through his feeds. We were told to up his Zantac to four times a day and add Levsin drops for the pain. This should reduce the stomache spazems. We'll see. If we see no change by tomorrow.. Christmas Eve, they are going to call in Previcid. I have a feeling that is what will be happening tomorrow. Sigh.. he is no better. To listen to your child scream like this through eating is just to much for me to handle. I can't even feed him. I make Jeff do it.

On a more positive note.. Kim and Lisa came to baby sit for us last night. Me, Jeff, and my mom all got out of the house for a couple of hours. It was bliss! Me and Jeff went for sushi! My first since before the pregnancy! Then we went to BW3 and just sat and played trivia and drank beer for a couple hours. Again.. Bliss!

Love those ladies!

Worlds worst blogger or busiest new mom. You decide!

2008-12-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how I have neglected my blog. I can only promise that it means I am not neglecting my new duties of mom to triplets.

This is Work. And with a capital W.

Things have been a little crazy in the Johnson house for the last couple weeks and not all for the best. Here it goes:

Nate

Well..on Dec. 3rd, we were changing his diaper and noticed a 'boil' or 'cyst' for lack of what to call it on his rectum. It was nasty looking. Like a pimple with a pussie head (sorry to gross you out). I rushed him to the pediatrician's office (where I had to wait and wait and get pissy with the staff, but that's another story) only to have a different Dr. come in and look at it and within 2 seconds told me I needed to rush Nate to the hospital to see a surgeon. Ok. What? You just made me wait an hour and a half to see someone when I explained what the issue was and the first thing you say is get to the hospital to see a surgeon? Um.. WTF?????????

Well.. turns out they couldn't find the surgeon so my pedi ended up lancing it in the office to send it out for a culture. I almost passed out watching them perform this procedure on my 6 week old infant. Not a great moment. So to make a long story short since I am a deadbeat blogger, Nate has an anal fistula that may need to be surgically removed. It has gone away twice but it's come back twice too. So if it's still there as of our next visit with the surgeon on Dec 30th, we'll schedule the surgery.

Other than that, he is a WONDERFUL baby. Happy.. sweet...smiling.. easy.. sleeps..eats..and as of Dec. 16th weighed in at 9lbs 14 ounces!! So I am sure he is over 10 pounds now! He is strong too. Always pushing with his feet and lifting his head up. He is truly a momma's boy! He is the quickest to calm to my voice. All I have to do is pick him up and say "momma's here" and boom. No more crying. It melts me every time that I have that effect on a child.

Ben

Ahh Ben. Here is where my life is really complicated. Ben has developed reflux and it's killing all of us. He's miserable. He had been congested for awhile and was having some trouble with his feeds but I thought it was due to the congestion and that he couldn't breathe through his nose as he ate. I let that go on for like 3 weeks. Then he got so impossible to feed, I couldn't take it anymore. My mom and I no longer wanted to feed him because we were all ending up in tears. So I finally broke down crying to my pediatrician that this was more than congestion. We brought him in and she did stick a tube up his nasal cavity to be sure it wasn't blocked which would have meant a sinus surgery. It's not. It's like a cold that we get. Thank god. Not that it makes it easier to hear. She also took a stool sample and it came back with a mild positive for milk allergy. Translation?

She is treating him aggressively for reflux and milk allergy. He is now on Zantac and we had to switch his formula to a hypo allergenic one. Oh.. and the kicker? It's $25 a can. And we still need to test the other two boys to be sure they do not have this same tendancy on the milk. If I have to put all three of them on this $25 a can formula, I am going to die. It will cost us like $500 a month to do so. That means I'll also be going dairy free to make sure they can still eat my breast milk. And.. this formula smells and tastes so bad I feel guilty for making him drink it. I will be feeding this child pizza and chicken nuggets till he is 18 to make up for it as soon as I can.

In the meantime, it is still heart breaking to hear him feed. Or cry. His cries are horse right now. I guess it can take a few days for the Zantac to work so we're hopeful anytime now. This just has to make him feel better. Some feeds he does ok and doesn't cry much. Others... ugh. But the good news is that he is eating that nasty formula and wiping out his bottles so I know he's hungry and not rejecting food.

On the good also.. he is gaining weight like wild fire so there is no failure to thrive in my future *crossing fingers*. He weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces on Dec. 16th. He has more than doubled his birth weight just like Nate! He is also smiling and doing his tummy time. I have to admit, we are more comforting to him than the other two boys and he ends up in bed with us alot more. I'll do whatever I have to to make him comfortable at this point. He was also the reason I bought a Moby wrap this week. So I can carry him around next to my heart and make sure he's ok.

Ah... the tears start again..

Alex

No drama here. Finally! He is still spitting and has had a few projectile vomitting incidences over the last two weeks but it's nothing that my pediatrician doesn't think is normal. We moved him and Nate to Gentlease formula. Hoping this lighter broken down formula is easier on their stomach. Again.. we still need to do the milk allergy test on them too. Alex is a great baby also! He is probably the best sleeper of the three. He goes down the easiest and sleeps the longest. He also loves to eat. Not quite as much as Nate, but dang close. He too, was over 9 and a half pounds at the weigh in and probably weighs 10 pounds now. But he carries it different. He's long and lean. My string bean!

One thing about Alex.. he's the loudest! Holy crap does this kid have lungs! When he's mad, the whole house knows it! But he too.. calms at my voice and melts into me. Have I mentioned I love being a mom? He's also probably the most alert of the three. Always looking.. always talking and making noise. Always smiling when prompted. Pushes off with his feet and we swear will be rolling soon! Scary thought!

Anyway.. that's the quick and dirty update. I must run. Someone is crying.

The boys get their 2 month shots tomorrow. Stay tuned for that post! Yikes!

Today is the triplets due date!!!!!

2008-12-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

And they are 6 weeks old already. Holy crap. Where does the time go?

Here is what they are up to....

(more coming soon)

And.. I am a dead beat blogger once again. I was supposed to update this almost three weeks ago now. And when your days fly by like they are all 5 minutes long, alot can and has happened in three weeks so I am just going to leave this with a couple things.

The boys weights on their due date was perfect. Nate and Alex were both 8.5 pounds. Sure glad I didn't have to vaginally give birth to them! Even Ben was over 7 pounds. Perfect! They have really been doing great with weight gain. At least a half pound a week since birth!

I got the "all clear" from my OBGYN to resume normal life. And some of you can understand that that means I can have SEX again! YAHOOO!! It's been 9 long months since the IVF got started. I am kinda nervous! My whole body is different. Jeff tells me every day how much he loves me and that he thinks I am beautiful, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and be disgusted right now. I've never been a skinny mini but I've been fit and I've always managed to look decent in my clothes. I will never have a flat stomache again unless I have a tummy tuck. And I am worried I will have to buy all new clothes when I go back to work. Something I neither want to do nor can I really afford to do right now. My shoes don't even fit me right now! And sadly.. neither does my wedding ring.

I can only hope I am still "swollen" and these things will come back over time!

Happy Anniversary to Us!!

2008-11-27T09:06:00.000-08:00

Wow.. 3 years ago today, we got married!

I can't believe how much things have changed in these three years. It really is mind blowing. And even how much they have changed since last year. Last Thanksgiving, we were technically supposed to be going to the UP to spend the holiday with my family but we had to cancel due to our first IVF schedule. I couldn't leave town. That whole week as a cluster F*ck. That cycle was a cluster f*ck.

And look at us now! 3 years, and 3 babies later. Who would have thought? Here's a wedding pic for fun!

As luck would have it, today is also Thanksgiving! Originally, our wedding was the Sunday after Thanksgiving, but we knew our anniversary would fall on the holiday quite often over the years. At least I know I'll be getting a big dinner and champagne! My sister and her husband and two kids are coming over today. That's it. Oh wait.. Jeff's aunts are supposed to stop by also. So there will be company.

Have I mentioned that I did not sleep last night? The babies kept me up all night. It was one of those nights where they were tag teaming. One would go down, another would get up. Finally after the 6am feeding, I did my feeding and handed the torch to my mom so I could seep for about 3 hours. I think I got three hours. I am hoping to get some more zzz's after the 1pm feeding before the company comes. But hey, at least I showered and washed my hair! I am ok with falling asleep in my turkey. That's what this day is about right? Food and sleep?!?!

Anyway.. the babies are doing FABULOUS. They were weighed by the home nurses on Tuesday and came in at:
Nate: 8 pounds even
Alex: 7 pounds 12 ounces
Ben: 6 pounds 6 ounces

AMAZING!! They are also out of preemie clothes! My due date is Dec. 2 so they are right on track! BIG BOYS!!!!

4 weeks old!!

2008-11-18T14:06:00.000-08:00

WOW.. how the time flies. I just cannot believe the boys are already 4 weeks old! And I have become a deadbeat blogger!

I have NO time. Ever. We are still feeding the boys every three hours. It takes at least one hour to do this. And if someone is fussy or not feeling like going back down to sleep, it can take alot longer than that! So it's a constant rotation of sleeping, changing and feeding. And whoever is the dope that said "sleep when they sleep" obviously did not have triplets. After each feeding, I pump. After I pump, there are a myriad of things to do. Such as: shower, eat, clean, laundry, run an errand, take the dogs out.. and god forbid if I have to leave the house. It's an event now.

We had the visiting nurses come this morning to do weights and measurements. My pediatrician suggested we try to get this done this way as opposed to having to bring all three out to the Dr's and pay $20 copay for each boy just to get them weighed. Which they have to be due to their preemie hood. And drum roll please.. today the boys weighed:

Nate: 7 pounds 3 ounces
Alex: 6 pounds 14 ounces
Ben: 5 pounds 11 ounces

They have all gained almost 2 pounds since birth! They finally weigh as much as normal babies almost!! It's funny because they are starting to feel huge to me since they were SOOOO tiny when I had them and brought them home. Remember, Nate and Alex were barely 5 pounds and Ben 3 pounds 10 ounces when they sent them home! So a 7 pound baby!!?!?!?! WOW..... I am so thrilled!

One thing we are not thrilled with is that the boys were denied for Synagis shots. The RSV shots. Unreal how they can deny 33 week birth triplets. But apparantly since my husband and I are smart enough to NOT smoke a pack a day in the house, they are to healthy. Good lord.

The boys are definitely developing personalities too. As certainly noticeable in their sleeping!

Alex is soooo layed back. Also known as the A- man, Alexander the Great! He sleeps, he hardly cries.. he's alert, he's a total sweetie. His only issue at all is that he spits alot while feeding. It had me worried a bit that he may have some reflux issues but the Dr. says no. It's normal. I know I know... but I worry! And he's CUTE. oh boy.. soooo cute! He is a dream baby!

Nate is demanding. Also known as Nate-Dog. Natey. He eats like a dream. Takes his whole bottle and doesn't spit at all! Soooo easy to feed. But when he wants to be fed? Or when he doesn't feel like being in the crib? Watch out! He will let you know. He is the total stereo type baby that when you pick him up, he completely stops crying. Take him in bed with me? stops crying! Sleeps like a dream! He is also alert and loves to look around. Mostly though.. he loves to hear my voice. When I talk, he is in a trance and calms down. I am his mommy for sure!

Ben, AKA.. Benjamin Buttons, Benjamin Bunny, Benjamin-jamin. Small by mighty! He eats really great to but is the middle of Nate and Alex. Doesn't spit as much as Alex, but not as clean as Nate. Somewhere in the middle. Also just like his identical twin, Nate.. when he wants to be picked up or out of that crib, you know it! He is very vocal! But Soooo alert for a little guy! He sleeps almost as good as Alex and better than Nate. He is quickly gaining on his brothers in weight and it's so funny to see how much he is really starting to look like Nate!

So I need to get some pictures up. Jeff is gone for work now but they are coming soon!

Tribute to the NICU

2008-11-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

Some shots of us in the NICU. They were even decking them out for Halloween!

Anyway.. I always knew from the start of my pregnancy that my babies would end up in the NICU. It's a scary thought. No one wants their child to start life like that. But with triplets, prematurity is inevitable and thus, the NICU is as well.

As I posted before, I did not get to see my babies until they were 32 hours old. I was horribly upset about it but knew there was nothing I could do. As much as I wanted to see them, I was way to sick to even try. When I was finally rolled into the NICU that Tuesday night, I was of course, over come by the emotion of seeing them for the first time, but also finally relieved that I knew they were in a fantastic place. Even though my babies were only in there for 8 days. I really loved going to the NICU to see them.

I am sure it's the case with all NICU's or at least, I hope it is. It was just such a calming and serene environment. I felt safe and taken care of in there!! The lighting, the sounds, everything. The nurses who took care of my babies were seriously angels on a mission. I would just sit back and watch them not only with my babies, but with all of them and I am now convinced there is no more noble job in the world as to care for these sick infants. To be there life line and love when their parents are not there. Talk about having to put trust in people? I trust my husband with my life and these women ran a close second.

One experience I had in there second night I was there (babies were 2 days old) is something I will probably never forget and will forever remind me of how blessed we have been:

Our hospital is huge. The biggest in the state. They divide their NICU up into pods A - F. A being the least sick babies who are mainly there just for a quick observation trip and F being the most severe and critical cases. Each pod can house about 10-12 babies at once. My boys spent their time in pod B. While we were there, my 3 boys occupied the isolettes on one whole outside wall of the pod. Directly across from them was a little girl in an isolette. I knew she was girl due to all the pink blankets, clothes and little toys surrounding her in her isolette. I went to the NICU 2-3 times a day so I kept seeing the mother of this baby girl. She was a very pretty middle eastern looking girl about my age. And she looked completely run down. Torn up.. you name it. Of course, I was two days post surgery and looking big bloated, and in my hospital gown finery. That second full day up there, she spoke to me.

Are those your triplet boys? She asked me. I went over and said yes.. they sure are. She asked me how long I carried them and I told her 33 weeks, 6 days. She asked me about their health and I proudly bragged that they were all doing so well and how blessed we were because of it.

I asked about her daughter and how long she'd been in. She then told me that this baby girl had been in the NICU for a total of 10 weeks and counting. But they were encouraged as she had just been moved to the B pod. She also told me that this baby girl was also a triplet and the only one of her triplets that survived. Hers were born at 26 weeks and the other two were still born. She told me how lucky I was.

I could hardly choke out the words I was happy for her that their baby was doing so well and how beautiful she was. I had to leave the conversation. I ran into the pumping room and just burst into tears. I couldn't believe I just sat there saying how lucky I was to this poor women who was sitting there trying to keep her last triplet alive. The next day, the baby moved to the other side of the pod.

I know I had no way of knowing that women's situation, but it sure did remind me how lucky we are. And more importantly, it takes a special kind of person to be a NICU parent. Not the kind I was lucky enough to be: a short timer. But to be a NICU parent who has to dedicate months to that trip up to the hospital two times a day or so for an indefinite amount of time. It's all so beautiful and sad at the same time.

Even though we were only there a short time, a couple nurses asked me if I would be interested in being a NICU parent liason. That is, I will be a support/ coach to new NICU parents if I choose to do it. I really hope things calm down for me here at home cause I think this is something I really want to do. I just think these people are angels on earth and the parents who are in for the long haul might need someone like me to come cry with them or feed with them or whatever.

They are here!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

Whew... where has the time gone on me already? My babies are already 8 days old! I am just now getting back to life. A changed life.. but a better one. A new begining!

So the birth story. I am going to type it all out so I can remember the day years from now and share it with the boys..

I had entered the hospital on October 13 for a variety of reasons. I felt like crap. Couldn't move, horrid painful hemoriods, pelvic pressure, protein in the urine, massive endema (swelling), I was blowing up like a blowfish in general! Blood pressure was on the rise. My Dr. said.. that was it. Check in. I was 32 weeks 6 days and my Dr. wanted me to still hit 34 weeks before I delivered.

As I said in my previous post, I was miserable.. delerious! My dr. said if I thought I would be more comfy, I could go home. After all, the c section was scheduled for Wednesday so I should do whatever made me most comfortable. I left. We got home about 10 am on Sunday. I gave it my best, I really did. But by 7:00 sunday night, I think I was worse than ever. Jeff called Dr. V to tell him.. and beg him, to move it up to Monday. He agreed.

I got all checked in on Monday and they did one more urine test with lab work and off to the OR I went. Got the spinal block.. which I am sorry. Hurt like a BITCH. They get me all laid out on the table and next thing I know someone comes in and says.. she's full blown pre-eclamptic now and she needs another IV for the Magnesium!! Well, my Dr was like.. it's to late, we've started. They did put the IV in my other arm but they couldn't start the Mag drip now till I was in recovery. My heavy breathing continued a bit even with being numb from the chest to the toes.

The next few minutes really were magical for being half out of it on drugs. Jeff and I were hoping each baby would cry upon birth, but you never know so we didn't have our hopes up. Each of our 3 babies came out screaming!! Oh boy were they screaming!!! After my Dr. pulled them out, he handed them off and they were wisked into the room next store where the Neonatal teams were waiting for each baby. They cleaned each of them up and brought them into us just briefly. I can't remember to much but I remember thinking.. they are PERFECT. So beautiful. They handed each of them to Jeff very quickly and he held them down to me so I could kiss their cheeks and see them. They looked like little caterpillers in their cocoon. So so cute!

After the birth, I they went to work on me. We had long discussed the possible complications of the birth I was going to have.. blood transfusions due to excessive loss of blood is very common and sometimes a hysterectomy is necessary. I was ok with whatever they needed to do. I am told this part was fine. I just remember shivering and shaking and still not being able to breathe at this point.

Next I was moved to recovery, where all of the above symptoms just got worse. I was gasping for air so the next thing I know, they put an oxygen mask on me and I had the Magnesium drip put in right away as well. The rest is a morphine blur but I was consious and remember some of it. Basically, my heart rate started crashing. Normal is in the 80's and 90's. Mine was about 41. My blood pressure was shooting into the 200's making this a potentially lethal combination. They said I had a lot of fluid on my lungs and were getting very concerned about pulminary embalysm/ clots in the heart and lungs. It was here I knew something was really wrong with me. Not to sound silly but I remember someone dying on an episode of ER from a pulminary embalysm. I also remember the EKG machine getting rolled in and having that done and the two cardiologists....

It was like a scene from TV or a movie. There were literally like 10 Dr's and nurses standing next to me in recovery all staring at my vital screens with their mouths open. Jeff said at one point, my ob told him to go hold my hand and Jeff was like.. what??? Is this the end?? Then he got my mom out of the room too.

I was in recovery for about 5 hours until they moved me to a labor and delivery private room across from recovery. I was not stable enough to move, let alone to the post partum floor. My last treat to end the day was a trip to the CAT scan to make sure they could rule out the clots and whatever. They kept me there over night with one on one nursing care and a Dr. checking on me every 2 hours. I was woke every 45 minutes for vitals and what not. I had 3 freakin IV's at this point too. Oh my.. the holes in my arms.

By Tuesday morning, I guess I turned the corner cause I was so thirsty. I didn't give a crap that I had not eaten since dinner Sunday night: all I wanted to do was drink Lake Michigan. No go. I had to beg for ice chips and was granted. They were gold! But.. sadly, I still had not met my babies. I couldn't do anything.. mostly due to the magnesium drip. Finally at 5 that night, they said I could move as I wasn't critical anymore. They moved me on my bed to post partum and once I got up there, they let me eat some soup and drink water.. and.. get out of bed for the first time in like 36 hours!

Last but not least.. I had not yet sot to see my babies yet except for the 30 seconds in the OR. They were born at noon on Monday.. and here it was 7:00 pm on Tuesday and I was finally wheeled into the NICU. To say I was totally overcome by emotion upon seeing them is the understatment of the year. It was the most special and important moments of my life holding them for the first time.

So that's that. The birth story. I am doing fine, (ok.. except for the side to side incision that required 16 staples, the massive edema, and the fact that I still look freaking 8 months pregnant!) but I guess I have an abnormally low heart rate. I have always known I had low blood pressure if anything but I guess as with high, the other extreme can be a bad thing too. So, I do have to see a cardiologist now that the problem reared it's ugly head. As it has been since we started trying to have a baby in October of 2006, nothing has been easy. I tend to take the road less traveled. I mean come on.. who else do you know who's c section ended with an EKG, CAT scans, cardiologists...... yep, that's me! But, it was worth the ride!

More pics coming in the next day or so and I really want to write about our experience having the three babies in the NICU. But till then.. I have 3 babies to feed! YAHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

33 weeks and Counting

2008-10-16T21:13:00.001-07:00

Well another week under the belt. Wait.. I couldn't wear a belt if I wanted to. I haven't measured my waist at all in this. I should. I doubt the tap would go around me.

Well, first of all we are in the home stretch. I got admitted to the hospital Monday night. I had so many things going on and my dr. was like.. pack your bags. First and foremost, the swelling was just to an alarming point It was already hard to walk and then my feet and my ankles no longer had separation. It's become increasingly hard to breath also. So those things on top of the carpo tunnel, hemmoroids, inability pretty much walk with the extreme pelvic pressure AND was hitting 33 weeks the next day. That was it.

Tuesday was pretty uneventful. They ran me on the 24 hour urine test.. AGAIN and all the labs 3 times a day. Blood pressure turned out to be way out of wack too. I was scoring any where from 126 to 152's. Really odd. I just could NOT get comfortable in this damn bed which was my big fear from the start.

On a brighter note, my mom arrived Tuesday night so it was great to see her. Good help Jeff and her living together in peace till I get home. They are both excellent people. My mom can be quirky I guess is the word. And I know she feels out of sorts moving into my house. Boy do we need her! Jeff was like.. she's been here for 2 hours and there are already Halloween decorations in the yard. Gotta love a mom.

I had thought a couple times over the last day or so that I may have pee'd myself. Well, it happened once yesterday and then after the second time it happened today, I mentioned it to my nurse. They promptly got me a pad and said they were not going to 'observe the output'. Lovely. Nurse comes back a few later and I was having a hard time catching my breath and I was on the monitors which were clearly showing contractions. She was like.. I am getting the dr.

She gets the resident. Next thing I know.. there are 3 nurses a doctor stripping off my pants in a hurry. Slap me down and I am getting basically a pap. They were thinking my membranes ruptured or my water was breaking. As she's in there the dr goes.. 'oh yes, I see some rupture and the fluid' ok.. as they are doing this, they stuck a bed pan under me and I can feel the fluid dripping out of me like crazy. So they had to take a sample of the fluid.

They run out. Not 3 minutes later.. my OB runs in.. ok.. now I am panicing. They paged him right away and he happened to be on the floor over in delivery. Turns out my sample was about 98% negative on the amniotic fluid but there were traces. So they don't think my membranes ruptured or a water broke, but that some fluid was trickling out. So I have to wear pads and they have to be checked every two hours and they moved me up to another ultrasound at 8 am on Thursday measure the fluid of each baby again. And.. instead of waiting till tomorrow, I recieved my first steroid shot immediatly Wed. afternoon.

Went in for the u/s first thing and the babies and fluid still look fine. Fluid was lower but apparently over the normal range. So it is so strange. I am still wearing pads and still leaking. Contractions have totally picked up. One every 10 minutes at all monitorings today and they are getting stronger. Got second steriod shot tonight.

So what will come first? The c section or the babies trying to escape? Any thoughts?

On a heavier hearted note.. today, October 16th is the 16th anniversary of my dad's passing. How I wish he would be here to meet his grandson's. This one is for you dad. I love you and miss you very much. Watch over all of us this week.

32 Weeks and 12 Pounds of Baby.

2008-10-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

Wow.. here we are.. another week in and another week at home. Here are some updated pics of "the belly". Good Gawd. Ok.. Jeff forced me into posting that top pic because he think's that gives the full effect.

I think I look like I shoved 4 pillows under a sheet and am ready for trick or treating. So I like to pull my shirt tight to give me some resemblance of a body. But, I am measuring 45 weeks now so what do I expect to look like, right? I give up..

Anyway.. we are only 3 days into the week and already I am over it. Monday I had to meet with my MFM. Immediately, he thought I was "puffy" and not in the P-diddy kind of way. The bad way. And my urine showed more protein that usual. I was a bit emotional as lets face it.. I ain't movin very good these days. He ordered me to do that @!#!&#^% 24 hour urine test again. OMG.. the bain of my existance. And.. to do tons of blood work and said he was officially sitting my Ob down to make some decisions (they work in the same office, same practice). I said he would like to admit me to do the testing. I was like look.. I have a $250 in patient copay. I am not getting admitted unless you plan to keep me for the duration. For $250 I can get a room at the Hilton with room service. So.. he agreed to let me go home.

So that brings me to Tuesday. It started at 1:00 with my bio physical profiles and growth and weight u/s. It took FOREVER and resulted in my panic attack and almost passing out at least twice from laying mostly on my back with the pressure of these babes. We were there for 3 hours. It was very difficult to get clear shots of all the babes due to their size and how intertwined they now are. They all passed their bio profiles immediately again (no slacking from Ben this time), however.. they had to re do the growth/weight on him 3 times and get the Dr's opinion before we could go. And.. of course the Dr. spent 45 minutes getting to us. We were a bit pissed.

So.. while I am told all the results were totally normal and everyone looks good, of course I am worried about Twin B. He is now a full half pound behind the other two. Fraternal triplet was 4.1, Twin A was 4.6 and Twin B was only 3.8. He is in the 15% percentile for weight. The Dr.'s and even my friend who just had twins had to remind me today that not all multiples are born weighing the same. Like Melissa said that her twins were over a pound different at birth.

Anyway.. I was a bit emotional and like I said, laying there for over 2 hours on my back literally just about killed me. But together.. they have hit the 12 pound mark now. After that, we had to race to the lab cause due to length of that, my pee was now almost 2 hours late and I was afraid I was going to have to re do that. They said they would still take it. So we did that and then did the blood work.

Next up.. race upstairs to my 4:00 with my OB. I was pretty much visibly a mess by this time so I got hugs from everyone and my Ob was like.. ok.. I can walk you over and admit you right now if you want.. I can see you're upset. They calmed me down and he agreed with the MFM, that I am puffy and my blood pressure is now hovering in the 130's which is still fine, but it is elevating. My cervix however.. is still fine.

So... at the end of it all we agreed to wait till tomorrow and see how all the bloodwork and pee comes back from the lab. If it is at all questionable.. I get admitted. If not, I can be admitted any second I want and we agreed no later than next Tuesday at 33 weeks and we'll pick the day for delivery. Today.. Ob called. All labs fine. I told him I was live another day at home. There are pros and cons to going into the hospital and staying home. Primary for staying home is my bed. I can move around, change positions on my pillow top king bed. I can't see that a small hospital bed is going to be where I want to be for two weeks.

So.. until something forces me in or I can't take it anymore. I am home.

31 weeks 2 days...

2008-10-02T18:38:00.000-07:00

Another week down and 3 to go.

And what a week it's been. I know we infertility patients are not supposed to complain about their pregnancies at all so if that is your view.. stop reading now! You've been warned!

I am having a really tough time. I have had several crying jags in the last few days due to how miserable I am.

*disclaimer*
I totally want these babies to cook for at least 2 more weeks no matter how miserable I am. Their health is THE most important thing in the world to me.

But just so I can remind them some day of what it took to get them here, I am listing my 'issues':

- The pulled/strained muscles from my uterus pulling and the babies moving all over
- The sciatic pain that wakes me up at least every 90 minutes while I try to sleep
- My teeth and gums are so swollen and sore I can hardly chew
- My carpo tunnel is coming back in both hands
- My pelvic pain and pressure is so bad I literally can hardly walk. Definitely not without limping and holding the bottom of my stomach, which is SO heavy on me now
- TMI... I have the worst hemmoroids. Ever.
- My entire body is just.. useless. Sore. I can't move.
- Sleep? forget it.

I firmly believe that it will not be the babies that put me into the delivery room, I think it will be the fact that my body is shutting down on me.

We did have our biophysical profiles and appt with Dr. V on Tuesday. We passed our bio profiles, although no thanks to Mr. Ben who really wanted to sleep through his this time. And my cervix and all checked out wonderful.

And even though I feel like shit, apparantly, all 4 of us are still doing amazing. I know he could see it on my face that I was about to lose it, as did the two nurses. He put his arm around me and let me know I am his star triplet mom. And not only am I doing everything I am told and cooking my babies like a rockstar, but apparantly I am a favorite of all the nurses there who tell me that I am a pure pleasure to work with. I was like what? Who? Me???

I am going to call the office tomorrow if this pelvic pain is still this bad. I am going to beg to be admitted next week after my 32 week check up if I am not before that. I also made him promise to deliver the babies before he leaves on October 24th. My 34 week mark is October 21. So I pleaded with him to please take care of us before he goes away. Or I'll be in the trunk of his car. Or in the loony ward at the hospital anyway.

So that's the update. I am thrilled that I have made it this far. I know I saw that on every entry but every week.. every day is sooo important right now.

Nursery is finished.. almost. And another trip to L&D

2008-09-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

Here are some nursery shots...

We didn't really do a theme per say. We picked bedding that we like and built around it. We are both huge baseball fans but I didn't like the cartoon type look of the baby sports bedding that was out there. So we got a few vintage baseball pieces and hung them on the wall. We've got a really old Norman Rockwell lithograph that Jeff snagged at an auction that was just perfect for us. We haven't had a chance to have it framed yet, but it's on the list and for now, Jeff's got it stuck up on the wall. Then he manged to get a 1930's baseball mit which is hanging from the old bat made into hooks. So we'll keep adding to the room as we go, but for now it's a good start!

I meant to get this post up early yesterday however, I ended up in the freakin hospital again.

I woke up yesterday and my left side was so sore I thought I was going to die. It felt like I had pulled every muscle in my left side. And it was sooo tender when I put any pressure in one area. By later afternoon when my evening contractions started up, I was really in a world of hurt and went into L&D.

They checked everything (cervix fine, babies fine, contractions every 8-10 minutes). At the end of it.. they think that my uterus is pulling away from my body due to the weight and my body is fighting it. Not to mention that the 3 babies have basically all changed positions and the excess moving has put more strain on me. Has anyone had this happen? I just can't believe how much this hurts. Like I worked out for 10 hours and pulled every muscle in my body. I am now on full bed rest and we're going to seriously discuss hospitalizing me tomorrow at my Ob appt. Ugh... I think I am ready for that. I honestly can't take care of myself anymore!

30 weeks!!!

2008-09-23T18:49:00.001-07:00

30 week shots!

I did it!!!!!! Or.. I guess I should say that me and the 3 little monkeys did it!!!

We met our next really BIG goal. 30 weeks and 3 pounds + each!!!

I am really ecstatic about this. It's such a big milestone. We had another growth/weight u/s and bio physical profile appointment yesterday. It was great. The babies all still look just perfect and each of the babes passed their Bio profile in less than 5 minutes! This is really great considering that they give each baby 30 minutes to pass each of the tests and my tech told me that some don't pass till the 29th minute and they have to use outside stimulation. Not my monkeys! No one.. nothing can keep them still. Yes.. I am afraid of what they are going to do to us once they are on the outside.

Weights as of Monday, September 22:

Baby A: 3.6 pounds

Baby B: 3.2 pounds

Baby C: 3.8 pounds

I officially have 10 pounds of baby in me!

The only bad thing at the u/s was that they couldn't see my cervix. At all. They said it was more that they thought a baby was in the way then that it was gone. They called Dr. V and he said for them not to do the vaginal check and he would check me Tuesday.

Today we visited with Dr. V for my weekly OB appt. He checked the babies and my cervix. All wsa good. Again. Shock. I continue to be amazed that my cervix has held up this long. Dr. swears it is because the twins.. who sit very low.. are both breech and therefore, the pressure of having their heads down there is a non issue. He is now determined to see me stay out of the hospital till 32 weeks. I will be totally amazed.

On the flip side.. I can seriously hardly move. My whole body aches. The sciatic nerve thing is killing me. It wakes me up 2 or 3 times a night and makes walking really difficult at times. Sleeping is even worse. There is no way to get comfy so I usually end up sleeping in 1.5 to 2 hour intervals through out the day and night.

Of course it will all be worth it for 3 healthy babies who spend just a couple weeks in the NICU. And really, I can do this for 4 more weeks, right????? =)

28 and 29 week Belly shots

2008-09-16T17:56:00.001-07:00

The first shot is 28 weeks. Next two are 29!

I just keep getting bigger!

We had our first Bio Physical Profiles today and they went awesome! All the boys got their 8 points in a matter of minutes. They are watching each baby to be sure their hearts and breathing are good, their hands and feet are moving, head is measuring correct and moves. It was so damn cute. At one point, I got teary eyed. It was cool that they kept the ultra sound thingy on each baby for like 10 minutes so you could really watch them. I felt like a spy into their world. ohhhh Soooo CUTE!!

Cervix is still holding steady at 3.68. No change from last week! yeah!! I avoid hospitalization for another day!

Precious Moments

2008-09-14T19:32:00.001-07:00

One of the reasons I started blogging in the first place was to record my thoughts and feelings. Of course, when I first started, it was about our struggle to concieve. I needed an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Ya know.. cause my husband, friends, acupuncturist, therapist.. none of them were enough! LOL.

Of course in the end, I had hoped it would be a place to record what was going on in my pregnancy too. Thank god it is!

Tonight was just to precious to me to let it go by without writing it out.

I cannot stress enough how active these babies have been today. Today is 28 weeks, 5 days. I have been getting kicked every which way but loose! All. Day. Long. I think today takes the cake! They have been kicking me in many places I don't wish to be kicked for sure. And I don't know how many times I have gasped out loud due to a mighty baby blow. I honestly have thought about 100 times today, these monkeys are going to surely break one of the water bags in there clear out of me today.

And it really hit me: I could have them any second. These moments of feeling them inside me like this could really be numbered. Don't get me wrong. I am miserably huge and it's soooo hard for me to sleep or walk or.. do anything. But I was so sad and crying tonight to think that if they are born tomorrow I would never feel another baby inside me again. And certainly not my 3 monkeys. So I just sat on my bed for like two hours, holding my tummy and feeling every little move they were making. Trying to soak it all up. This is the best feeling I have ever had. Ever.

One year ago today....

2008-09-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

Was a really bad day in my life. In fact.. one of the top three worst. It was one year ago today that Jeff and I found out that our second pregnancy was yet again.. ectopic.

We were suspicious from the start but were very hopeful as the the beta's were doubling perfectly. I went in for an ultrasound first thing in the morning and clear as day... there it was in my right.. and only remaining fallopian tube. My Dr. and I talked quickly as we knew what the most likely out come was going to be: Go directly to the hospital. Do not go home, do not pass go.. nope.. after the horror of the burst tube 9 months earlier, we were not going there again.

But I had one request this time since we caught it before it burst. Please please please do what you have to do to save the tube. Please do not remove my last chance to ever conceive again with out In Vitro. The Dr's agreed and said they would do all they could.

I came out of the surgery about 3 that afternoon to learn that they did not take my tube out. They took several masses of tissue that they had to believe one of which was the pregnancy. As happy as I could be in my anesthesia state, I was.

I slept all day Tuesday and went in Wednesday morning for a follow up to check my incisions. They also wanted to do a beta to be sure the pregnancy was gone and my HCG was on it's way to zero again. Because it wasn't 'urgent', I would get the beta the next afternoon. That was fine.
Later Wednesday evening, I came down with a splitting headache and threw up. Oddly.. it was exactly how I had been feeling the last couple weeks when I was pregnant. Something told me I still was.

Sure enough, I got the call about 4 on Thursday. My beta had almost doubled again. And the pathology reports all came back negative for pregnancy tissue. The baby was still in me. I was to report to the hospital first thing Friday morning. More surgery. This time, I was told the tube was coming out. It was to damaged to ever use again. Safely. I was just distraught, but I knew they were right. If I got pregnant again, I could be in this place for a 3rd time. I couldn't do it again. I just couldn't.

So they took my tube out and this my fertility and part of my women-hood. I know that sounds dramatic, but let's get real, it was a dramatic situation. I could hardly get passed that to morn the loss of yet another baby.

So that was one year ago today. Today, September 10, 2008, I am laying in my bed on modified bed rest 28 weeks and 1 day pregnant with triplets. Once again, the saying.. "what a difference a year makes" has held true. I kept trying to tell myself that last year at this time as it has held true for me before. It's hard to see through the fog to the light, so I try to be patient. It was a long 17 months to this place, but I am here. I am here with Jeff. But just because I am here, I certainly haven't forgot the road that led me here nor the 3 babies I lost on that road. I mourn them for sure. The "what if's"

But, in 6 weeks or less, Jeff and I will be parents.

We really really will.

28 Weeks

2008-09-10T08:15:00.001-07:00

This is one of those milestone weeks that makes you feel a little bit better. Not a ton. But a little.
Had another level 2 ultra sound on Monday. The babies weighed 2.12, 2.7, and 2.9 so all and all I have almost 8 pounds of baby in me. Oh.. so that is why I am huge hey?

My cervix is also holding steady at 3.68. Dr. V was very happy with me this week. Even though I had my usual laundry list of complaints. Like.. my back is killing me, my tummy just kills at the bikini line when I stand cause the belly is sooo heavy. Belly is sooo hard when I stand I feel like it's constantly contracting or something. But I guess not. I am fine he says. Since I made it to 28 weeks and have not been admitted to the hospital again, he was like.. let's get crazy and shoot for 30 now! Sounds like a plan!

My MIL and step FIL came for the weekend. I think she felt bad about the whole crib bitch sesssion or maybe she felt bad cause I found out about it. Whatever.. she was clearly trying to make up for it. Took Jeff shopping and got us a bunch of stuff.

I also got a wonderful box in the mail the other day from tripletmom from the Mulitples board. Bundle me's for the trips car seats this winter and some fabulous premie boy clothes that were oh soooo cute! Thanks Kelly!! LOVE IT!

Last but not least.. the boys. They are still moving around like little monkeys. Holy monkeys! And the kick of all kicks so far happened the other night by........ my quiet one! Ben! That kick was so HUGE I gasped! It was unreal! By far the biggest strongest one of my pregnancy. Jeff also got to feel how Nate goes NUTS when I try to lay on my left side. It's non stop. He doesn't stop. I don't think Jeff believed me until he felt it for himself.

Ahh... the monkey love! This is the part of pregnancy that truly amazes me. I am soooo lucky!

Tagged!

2008-09-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged! How fun! Thanks Rebekah!
http://to-infertility-and-beyond.blogspot.com/

Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Ok.. 6 random things about me.. here goes nothing:

1. I've lived in 4 states: WI, MI, IL, FL
2. I wish I was young enough to be on American Idol
3. I once played basketball with Magic Johnson
4. I was once told by Disney recruiter that I'd make a great Princess Jasmine or Esmerelda if I was having trouble paying my bills
5. My knees are double jointed
6. I would rather work at Starbucks than my current job

ok.. I gotta figure out who to tag cause almost everyone on my list has been tagged already! Drat!

27 Weeks..

2008-09-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

Wow.. I can't believe that I am really 27 weeks. I am soooo thankful to have made it this far! I saw my OB today. I have to go every week now as really.. who knows. He did an u/s on the babies and they were looking great. They had been relatively calm the last couple days, yet still pretty active. Calm for them! Dr. V says they are probably getting a bit squished now. I said.. they still find a way to kick the crap out of me! Love it!

I passed the 1 hour glucose test so no gestational diabetes for me! yeah!!!! I didn't gain any weight this week. After my 5 pound loss of a few weeks ago and subsequent gain of 2 of it back, I am back up to a total of about 35 pounds. I am fairly certain a good 20 of that is my stomach alone and the rest in my butt and thighs!

My cervix is also still doing well. Amen. I know these things can change in a matter of hours but it's good to hear at this point. I think once I hit 30 weeks, I *may* breathe a bit easier.

I am sooo big now. It actually hurts to walk. My stomach is just sooo heavy. It's always tight too which makes it hard to breathe. I think this is the babies trying to stretch me out for more space. I feel bad, poor things! I haven't had any stretch marks yet, but I think my time is coming FAST.
Leaving the house is a total chore. I am becoming a total shut in now. We had a ton of people in and out this weekend and it was waaaay to much for me. So... that won't be happening again. Sadly.

Hard to believe that I will be a mom in 7 weeks or less! Holy Shit!

26 Week pics!

2008-08-27T04:51:00.000-07:00

Yikes. How much bigger am I going to get?

Oh well.. things are actually going really well this week. I had a level 2 on Monday and my cervix has grown! Almost back to 4cm! And... the babies all have hit 2 pounds now! I am so thrilled with this! They are 2 lbs, 2.1lbs and 2.2lbs! No wonder I am huge.

My Ob was happy with me yesterday too. He felt the cervix and concurred, I am doing great. I had to do the 1 hour GD test yesterday. After a weekend full of brownies.. humm..

The babies movement has progressed from just kicking to full on wrestling matches. They never stop!! But that is certainly better than the alternative! Go baby boys!!

I Have a Nursery In MY House!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

I honestly thought I would never see the day. Never. There is a bedroom across from mine and Jeff's that is now painted the most beautiful color of light blue my eyes have ever seen! This is a pic of the nursery in progress...

Ever since the day we moved into this house, that room was going to be the nursery. Then.. it was going to be nothing. Or just stay the guest room. Forever. But now.. finally.. it is going to be a nursery! To THREE babies!

Jeff painted it last weekend. Last night, our cousins were over and we all went out to dinner and cousin Scott so graciously helped Jeff carry up one of the cribs and the changing table. Jeff will start working on putting them together in the next day or so. We're both thrilled!

This week was largely uneventful. I saw the MFM/Peri on Monday. They did an internal and checked my cervix. He said it was fine. Still long and closed, although he also said it was softening. ugh. Even that scares the bejesus out of me. I talked to him about a variety of little issues/complaints I've been having such as: nose bleeds, trouble sleeping, pelvic/pubic bone pressure and the newest... movements. I felt the babies move for the first time at about 17.5 weeks. Then.. I didn't really feel to much until 19 weeks. Since then, I have no peace! In the last week or so, they have progressed from kicking and pushing to full on flipping and flopping. It is non stop. Jeff and I will just sit and watch my stomach move. It's really amazing. They are having a wrestling match, water polo, gymnastics.. something crazy is going on in my tummy!

This is all great of course. Active babies = healthy strong babies. However.. the twins sit very low on me and when they are engaged in this behavior, I literally feel like someone is about to fall out of me. It's scary! Every time I go to the bathroom, I think I am going to hit a foot or a hand! Gross I know.. but so true! They are NUTS IN THERE.

So I am trying to hold out until Monday. Monday I have another level 2 u/s and they will check my cervix again. Tuesday I see Dr. V. He will check for everything else. I am trying not to panic, but to rather be greatful for knowing that they are ok in there. Or at least.. I know their little hearts are still beating cause I sure know they are moving!

Unfortunately, I need to be selective now with when I go to Triage at Labor and Delivery. As of July 1st, they started charging it like an ER visit of which I have a freakin $75 copay. So I now owe the hospital for two of those and $250 for when I got admitted. This sucks and I can't let the money affect my decisions where the babies are concerned. But I'd be lying if I said the money wasn't going to be a factor from here on out. Ugh... I just hope my little guys can hang on for another 8 weeks.

Just Hangin Around..

2008-08-16T13:43:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday was our last shower. Shower #4! Jeff's mom threw it up in Midland so it was convenient for his friends and family. It was not without some drama. But nothing involving his mother ever is. The shower itself was really nice. If only MIL would just learn to shut up and say nothing when she can't think of anything good to say. I could go on and on about her, but it's sooo not worth it. I just know I don't ever want to put my husband in the horrid position both my brothers are in thanks to the ignorant bitches they married (not that they aren't big boys and aren't at fault of their own) so Jeff and I just don't talk about it.

That said, we got great stuff! All three of our pack and plays!!! 3 Rain Forest jumparoo's (two are going back to the store), the final high chair, boppy.. lot's of goodies. Of course we still need a bunch of stuff. The unfortunate thing with having triplets are all the things you need multiples of. So instead of having a completed registry.. we have 3 pack and plays, high chairs.. you get my drift. Now onto finishing all my thank you's. I have already done them all from the first three showers except for a few where people sent me things and didn't make the showers. I have some addressing hunting to do. Let me tell you what a joy it's been to write out all these thank you's with carpo tunnel!

In baby news.. some significant news!

We had another level 2 u/s on Monday, the 11th. In the 13 days between this one and my last one, the babies have each gained 7 ounces!!! EACH!! They now all weigh 1lb 8 ounces!!! GO BABIES!!!!! Not only that, since they all weigh the same, there are no signs of Twin to Twin Syndrome in my identical twins! YEAH!!!! I have almost 5 pounds of baby in me already! If they cook as long as they should, I am will NOT be having small babies! Of course all this points to HEALTHY babies!

As for mom.. I actually LOST 2 pounds when I saw my Ob on Tuesday. I was like huh????? They gained a pound and a half and I lost 2??? How??? I did not fair as well at the u/s as the babies. My cervix went from 4cm to 3.58 in one week. Boo. I am still in the normal range, but I really do not want this to be a pattern. I hope there are no more decreases for a good few weeks now. I was exactly 24 weeks to the day when I went to the Ob and I was measuring 37 week! ACK!! I knew I was huge but geesh!!

Anyway.. I have been really hanging around the house for the most part. Glad the Olympics have been on to keep me company. I imagine that my babes will some day be in them too. LOL. One will be the next Michael Phelps, one will be a beach volleyball stud, and the third a track and field superstar! Hopefully they are all taller than Jeff and I. LOL

My Boys

2008-08-09T19:28:00.001-07:00

I wanted to take some time to really remember what is happening to me. Not the bad scary stuff which is what I feel like I can only focus on. The hospital premature labor shit. No. I want to remember the good things.

I feel them kick all the time. It really is the most miraculous thing that has ever happened to me. I feel them constantly. They are already letting me they are with me at all times. Giving me some peace of mind in this crazy race to the finish line I call a healthy delivery.

They are already developing personalities.

Alex, my fraternal guy is camped out on top of the other two. He lays just below my breasts really. By like 2 inches or so. I have nick named him Alex "the worm" Johnson. He is all over the place all the time! I will look down at my stomach and I can see where his little butt is sticking up! My stomach will look like I am the Hunchback of Notre Dame! Last night, I just sat and felt him flipping over and over again for like 20 minutes. It was amazing! He is always on top and yet, I could seriously see him moving last night and it was like he was trying to invade Nate and Ben's space by moving down as far as he could go. I told Jeff... there is a rumble for turf going on in there! Alex will be the ring leader. The instigator. The one who will stand up for his brothers. The one who won't let me forget he is here!

Nate gives Alex a run for his money! Nate lays on the bottom left. His head (or feet, which ever way he's facing on a particular day) lay next to Alex's head. I can just picture them in there having a fist fight and pushing each other out of each others space! Not only does he defend his space, he also makes his presance known! If try to lay on my left side, Nate has something to say about it for sure! I lay on my left and I get the crap kicked out of me! He HATES it when I try to lay like that. As if he's saying... get off me mom! You're squishing me! He will not be a wallflower that's for sure. He will always let me know when something is not right and speak up and he will be heard!

Ben is my quiet one. Just when I wonder how he is doing in there and that I haven't felt him kick for awhile... wham. He let's me know he's still there. As if to say.. don't worry mom. I am ok. All is good in here and they haven't pushed me out yet! Ben lays next to Nate on the lower right of my tummy. He also does not care for me trying to lay on my side. When I do.. I feel him kicking and then he'll stop as if to say.. ok I get it. Mom needs to sleep. And then I will lay there until the guilt gets to me and I can't squish him anymore. He is my peaceful baby. He will be the momma's boy, I just know it!

In a nutshell.. I adore these monkeys. I feel like I've known them all my life already. I can't wait for them to get here so we can start our lives together.

But I beg all 3 of them to just stay in the belly for another 10 weeks!!!

In and Out of the Hospital

2008-08-05T17:55:00.001-07:00

So it happened.. got admitted to the hospital.

I woke up about 2am Sunday morning and felt unbelievably 'tight' and short of breath. My stomach just felt rock hard. Earlier that day I had been having some sharp pains here and there but I was attributing that to gas and my lack of being able to go to the bathroom (sorry tmi).

Well, Sunday morning I still did not feel right at all. Still couldn't go to the bathrooms.. on and on. I called my Dr. and told him I was going in to Triage at L&D. He agreed and told me to get my butt up there. Sure enough, once hooked up to the monitors, I was contracting like crazy, but with no pattern. They manually checked my cervix and it did seem long and closed and I wasn't dialted. But.. then they gave me that FFN test for pre term labor and it was totally positive. So, I got admitted immediately.

They pumped me full of procardia to stop the contractions and kept me in bed. Yesterday I got a level 2 u/s yesterday to measure my cervix officially and it was still 4cm. So we were all happy.. but the contractions hadn't totally stopped.

Then I had a surprise..I have been b!tching for weeks about this carpo tunnel and my Dr. wanted me to see an orthopedic surgeon. Well, I just hadn't had a chance. Guess who pops in my room yesterday afternoon? The ortho dr! So at that point, they shoot both my wrists up with cortisone for the carpo tunnel. Ok.. I am a baby.. but that did NOT feel good. So they decided to monitor me one more night and watch me for any side effects on the cortisone shots. I am home now. Contractions have way slowed. My right hand is much better but still tingling and my left is only slightly better. But they said it could take a few days or not work at all. I am totally exhausted and my nerves are shot to shit. I had a few hysterical moments Sunday and monday which I am sure didn't help me.

These boys better cooperate with me for at least another 7 weeks!!

22 weeks 4 days

2008-08-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

That is what I am today. That and a bit sad. Jeff is up North without me for the weekend for a wedding of friends of ours. The whole group will be there of course. Except me. Me who cannot walk much farther than from my house to the car without getting winded. I cried this morning when he left. Of course I am so thankful for these babies and can't wait for them to be here. And they need to stay where they are for at least 12 more weeks. But to some extent, I now feel like a prisoner in my own body.

Jeff was really sweet about it and reminded me that I have bigger and better things to be doing today. Cooking our babies. My head knows this, it really does. But I can still be bummed out right? My day consisted of a couple moves from my bed to the couch and I did go out to CVS to pick up my folplex and Pad Thai for dinner. So I did leave the house for about 30 minutes.

I guess I should also update that we had our Detroit shower last Sunday. Kim threw it for us and it was just soooo wonderful! The food, the company, the gifts. All of it was just perfect. We got so many great things that we need. I think I am going to park in the basement tomorrow and start going through it. I know that will help get me back in the baby excitment mood again instead of being depressed about the fun things I am missing out on this summer.

I ended up in the hospital again this past Monday so that's been the cause of me taking it extremely easy now. I am not on bedrest per say. I was having a ton of pressure in my vaginal area so I was terrified that my cervix was going to crap. I got checked a million times and again on Tuesday. It was still long but a bit softer. So.. I am now the proud owner of Procardia, a preterm labor drug. The babies, however.. looked fabulous! They all weigh over a pound now! 3 more to go boys!

oh.. and the best note of all? I am DONE DONE DONE with work and do not have to go back there for a good 8 months! YAHOOO!!!!!!!!

20 Week Belly Shot

2008-07-21T19:20:00.001-07:00

Yes.. I am getting HUGE!

Shower Cake!

2008-07-20T04:05:00.000-07:00

How stinkin cute is this? I've been referring to the babies as Donald Duck's nephews, so my sister took it to another level and made this shower cake for us!

Every week... A New Adventure

2008-07-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

We just got back from the Upper Peninsula on Monday night. It was a great time. My mom, cousin and best friend threw me a baby shower. It was just beautiful. Really, I can't say enough about it. There were about 30 people and it was just the perfect size. My sister made the most amazing cake one could imagine. I have jokingly been refering to the triplets as Donald Duck's nephews, Hewey, Dewey, and Lewey. Well... they showed up on my cake! I will be posting lots of pics. It was all so amazing.

It's strange, but the whole time I felt like it was an out of body experience. Am I really having a baby?? Really? this is for me? I am so humbled. I got so many amazing gifts! And I have two more showers to go!

I also had another trip to Labor and Delivery this week. My feet swelling is just awful. omg. And the carpo tunnel no longer comes and goes. It just stays non stop. I am trying to get used to functioning this way and it's now easy. All my tests/labs turned out fine thank god. there was one mishap. My 24 Hour urine analysis. This is when you have to collect EVERY DROP of urine for 24 hours, put it in a jug and then lug it into the hospital the next day for analysis and more blood work.

After starting it Tuesday morning, I had to lug my jug of pee with me to the hospital and e ery where I went. They need to check my volumne output and for protein for the pre ecamplsia. It was a pain in the ass. Our only bathroom is upstairs and the pee has to be refridgerated. All that equals me going up and down my stairs a million times and a few during the middle of the night of course.

Yesterday morning when I finished, I had to take it to the lab at Beaumont drop it and let them take more blood. I park in the structure and get out. I go to get my pee out of the back seat, open the door and it fell out and spilled all over the ground. Ok. I realize this sounds gross and pretty funny. But after you've been hauling your fat ass up and downstairs for 24 hours and lugging that jug around the hospital.. it was anything but. I was totally sobbing.

Yes.. I cried over spilled piss.

So I am home doing it again today. I told work officially yesterday to take me off everything. I can't take it anymore. I will probably go in a couple times next week for a few hours, but other than that, I am done. I expect to be 100% done after next week. I woiuld say I am 75% done now and they know it.

Thank GOD. I need to be done with work!!!!!!!

Ugh.

2008-07-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

Last week was very stressful. It began with me not sleeping over the state of my leave situation and just went from there. On that front, I finally did talk to our practice leader and he was a bit more receptive to the idea that I would not be punished for not coming back after 12 weeks. He was pretty cool about it and didn't blame me for thinking that way. And honestly, if they won't hold my job another 3 months. Fine. Lay me off. I'll take the unemployment. There are plenty of other places I can work. I am done with this worry.

I continued on with my worry for my ultrasound last Wednesday. Jeff was in Toronto and I was absolutely petrified to go to that u/s alone. Everytime I went alone in the previous pregnancies, things didn't go very well. He has been with me at every single one thus far in this pregnancy and things have been perfect every time. And it is about this time where you can start seeing things that could be wrong. Like Down Syndrome markers. But I went. I held my breath. And my boys look perfect.

Thank god. Breathe.

I do think I turned a misery corner this past weekend. I was sort of depressed that it was the 4th of July and we were doing nothing. I was exhausted and I had to sleep. So we stayed home all weekend. I needed it. However, my hands are terribly swollen to the point they hurt. And are now developing what you would call Carpo Tunnel. I thought I was having a damn stroke or something, but I looked it up on the internet and it seems that this is completely normal in pregnancy. WHAT THE F???????? It totally kept me up half the night last night. It's miserable.

There were some high points in the last week. First, I think I felt a kick!! And a few other movements. I just don't know for sure as well.. this is my first time with babies in me this long. I get choked up whenever I think about it! Moving babies at 18 weeks!

The girls at work also gave me a beautiful little shower. Wonderful food, many gifts. It was really so much more than I was expecting. and my first real baby shower!!!!

This past weekend was nice in that we went to Mark and Sonja's for a BBQ and left with the mother load of baby gear. I cannot believe what they gave us. Swing, bouncy seat, boppy, more sleepers and onesies than I thought I would need! I am definitely off and running in the baby goods in the last week! As much as I feel like I have, I know I will need so much more for the trips. How blessed are we to have Mark and Sonja? WOW.

I also visited with my friend Heather and her IUI miracle, Lilly. Another IF survivor for sure. And Sunday I visited with my friend Melissa, who is another golden Nest find. She is on bed rest due to her twins wanting to show up before they are supposed to! We always get a good laugh to think that the 7 of us are hanging out. Me, her, her twins, my trips. Oy. I can't wait until we can take them all out somewhere and let the staring begin! LOL.

Last but not least, I am 19 weeks now and we're heading home to see the family and best friends for my family shower this weekend. I pray to GOD nothing comes in between me and this trip. I am dying to see my mom and my best girls. I can't wait for them to see me pregnant. I've waited 35 years for this and this is probably the only time they will ever see me like this.

*fingers crossed*

Swollen

2008-06-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

I can no longer tell where my legs end and my feet begin. My once skinny ankles are gone. My fingers are now little sausages and my toes are smaller sausages. It's not a pretty site!

I had no medical mishaps this week, knock on wood. However, we did go to two Tiger games and I have vowed they will be my last of the season. Between having to hoof from the car to the stadium, suffing myself into that little seat, then sitting in it for 3+ hours with the only break being if I can hoof up 40 steps to the bathroom and back, and last but not least, back to the car... I wanted to die. Oh yeah.. it's been like 85-90 degrees with like 90% humidity. I really wanted to die. I am done. I told Jeff he either finds someone else to go with to the remainder of the games we have this year or he sells them. I'm done.

I guess the news of the week would have to be work. It literally kept me up like 3 nights in a row. No one will talk to me about my impending leave and what I do get out of my direct supervisor is that I can basically forget anything beyond 12 weeks and they are scarcely willing to work with me on a reduced schedule pre-me going out for good before the babies. Honestly, I do not know why I am shocked. I've been treated like shit so many times in the 4 years I have been at this fucking place I just don't know what to say anymore. The leave and HR people told me I need to talk to our practice leader. My supervisor tells me he needs to talk to the practice leader, the other girls who've been out on leave tell me I need to talk to the practice leader and then my supervisor tells me I need to talk strictly to the HR girl. I call the HR girl and she can't fathom why my supervisor would tell me that. Honest to christ. Can I get a straight answer out of anyone? Oh.. and I have been trying to talk to my practice leader for over a month now and he's ignored all my emails and requests for a meeting.

So finally the HR girl told me she would call the practice herself and tell him he needs to talk to me. I am thinking I am going to tell the HR girl I would prefer she be in on the conversation too as I can just imagine what is going to be said to me. All the by the fucking idiot who wasn't in the office for MONTHS after his WIFE who does not work out of the home gave birth. Yeah. The more I think about it.. I will be asking HR to listen in.

Of course, I get the feeling they want me to just quit. They know I hate it there. All of my friends have left because of the shitty treatment. I have only stayed for one reason: The IVF benefits. And now I will take my leave and i will leave by this time next year for sure. But I still have a few more things to take from this fucking place.

2008-06-22T18:52:00.001-07:00

First trip to Labor and Delivery is in the bag!

2008-06-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

Here I am at 16 weeks.

About a week ago, I started having really nasty cramping/pain at my bikini line. It runs under my belly or right where the belly starts to get really big (really really big these days). From all I had heard and read, it seemed like it was most likely round ligament pain.

I talked to my MFM about it on Monday and he said that was probably what it was. Of course I had an u/s and the babes were fine.

As the week wore on, it had progessively gotten worse. Sometims it hurt me so bad, I could hardly walk. Thursday, I had my big HMO meetings all day. Before they got started that morning, I called my OB to see how often I could and if I could be taking Tylenol. I told them the RPL was still going and blah blah. They basically demanded I go to up to Labor and Delivery to be hooked up to the monitors to see if I was having contractions and to have my cervix checked.

Of course hearing that totally freaked me out and I started bawling at work before my meetings. I made the decision that since this had been going on for 4 days, 6 hours wasn't going to make that much difference. I know I know.. my babies are the most important. But I really thought.. what is 6 more hours? So I went to the meetings and then drove myself to the hospital.

I was there for about 3 hours or so. They said I did have some contractions.. a couple over the hours I was there. They check my cervix too. Oh.. and that was so fun. NOOOOOT. The resident.. a small girl Dr. must have had her arm in me up to her elbow and she said she couldn't feel/reach my cervix so it was really high and closed. I was like.. great. Thanks. That felt great. Let's do it again.

I will say that hearing I had contractions has totally freaked me out. I am now terrified of preterm labor and am convinced I 'll be in the hospital soon. I have still been achy and sore all weekend. Not quite as bad, but I do feel these little jabs that I am not convinced are all contractions.

I had another level 2 u/s on Friday. Once again.. the babes are all boys. They checked my cervix again and it measured MORE then great, so that was a relief. (ok..I am still panic'd)

So it's official. I started shopping BLUE this weekend. We returned the adorable gender neutral bedding to babies r us and made a trip to Pottery Barn Kids. This is the new model for the nursery..

http://www.potterybarnkids.com/room/rom/romnur/romnurchs/index.cfm

These are the cribs we are getting:
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2932217

I am telling my boss this week to start preparing for life with out me. I don't think I am going to make it through July. I don't want to in fact. I want to be done in the next couple of weeks. Especially with all these pain and contractions. I am scared out of my mind.

I live till the next Dr. appointment.. Tuesday!

Just when you think you cannot be shocked anymore....

2008-06-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

you are.

We had a level 2 ultrasound for growth and development last Thursday. The tech thinks that all 3 of the babies are boys!

Holy shit.

I had to take a moment and get a grip on myself. BOYS. I don't know why, but I wasn't really expecting that. Now.. true that about 60% of IVF babies are boys, I guess I didn't think they would ALL be boys.

Most importantly, the tech did say that at this point, all 3 looked great. Like 14 week old babies. Thank god. No visible signs of any problems. HUGE sigh of relief. That is THE most important thing to me. That I bring healthy babies into this world.

But of course, I must admit there was a little piece of me that was a bit bummed by the boy news. I really did want a daughter. I don't know why, but I always thought of myself as the mom of girls. Again.. not sure why. So I did have to take a moment and say good bye to that dream. I was a girly girl for sure. I played with Barbies, spent 15 years in dance classes, loved dressing up and shopping. That kind of girl.

But it's all good. Not only can a beggar not be a chooser, but I do get to raise three boys! And there are many exciting things that come with that. And no matter what.. after all we've been through, I can't question my destiny. I was meant to have these babies. Not the three i lost, but these babies and I am truly honored and ecstatic about it!

Anyway..I think the ultrasound tech bruised my cervix when checking it. I have been cramped up and sore ever since. He was pressing so hard on me I was almost in tears and kept pressing myself into the bed I was laying on. It hurt like a bitch and I've been paying for it since. I see my OB tomorrow and he promised to look at my cervix and stuff to be sure everything is ok. Damn. Talk about unnecessary pain!

We also went up North to Jeff's nephew's party this weekend. It was fine. We told his family about the babies most likely being all boys and his mother didn't surprise at all me with her reaction. I could tell it was not a happy moment. Which just makes me want the boys all the more!

Officially in the 2nd Trimester!!!

2008-06-01T06:33:00.000-07:00

I seriously can't believe it! I have actually made it this far!! After not having made it out of week 5 without major drama and knowing the pregnancy wouldn't last in my other 3 pregnancies, it is sooo hard for me to believe that we are in the second trimester with triplets!!

I've been feeling pretty good since the bleeding incident. Well, I should say that good to me is probably really shitty to other pregnant women. I really am tired all the time and going up the stairs of my house takes the breath out of me. I wasn't in the best shape of my life running 5 miles a day like I used to when this pregnancy started (which I blame on the 17 months of surgeries, ectopics, fertility treatments and just overall depression =) but damn! Who would have thought I would lose breath going up my stairs!

I had another ultrasound this past week at exactly 13 weeks and all three little munchkins were doing just fine again. This Friday, when I am 14 weeks, 3 days, I will be having a level 2 ultrasound to check for growth and development. I will have one of these every other week until I hit 20 weeks. Then I will have one every week from there on out.

We've officially started shopping for everything. I have to. I may only have 6-10 weeks of being able to be out and about left in me before permanent bed rest! We've been looking into cribs hard core this past week. It's kind of a bummer. The really excellent quality ones are like $400+ and while that would be fine if we only needed one, we really do have to economize since we need 3 plus the mattresses. Jeff's mom has offered us $1000 towards the cribs & mattress (thank god), so we are really trying to get what we need for that $1000. Which means no $400 cribs for each of our babes. And then there's the stroller situation. Holy crap. Let's just say that when you need a triplet stroller, your options are limited and the good one is over $1000!! And of course, ideally it is compatible with infant car seats in the begining so you can snap and go. Well, the only car seat that it is compatible with is $250 a piece!! So.. again.. we'll have almost $2000 into this thing by the time all is said and done. Thank god my mom is offering up $$ to cut our expense in half on this too. If only we could find a good used one. But.. you know if someone else has triplets and been using the thing for a couple years, then it probably isn't in the best shape. ahhh.. it's all a consipiracy!

Anyway.. I am a bit nervous about my impending ultrasounds. It's now when they would find something if something was wrong with one of the babies. I am getting more comfortable in that their hearts will still be ticking.. but what else could be out there? ugh..

Loving the modified bedrest!

2008-05-25T17:16:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of the belly at exactly 12 weeks..

Can you say huge? What the hell am I going to look like at 20 weeks? 30??

Anyway.. really loving the modified bedrest thing. Can I stay like this for the rest of my pregnancy please? I LOVE that I was told to take it easy. I.E. sleep, nap, rest, watch tv, read.. AND.. I can still get up to go to the kitchen, walk around for a few minutes every hour or so. But rest. I have loved it. I have even hardly been on the computer. It's been nice not the be tied to the computer. While I am really enjoying the relaxing, I have no desire to go through the bleeding episode again that got me here.

I have also found this week that the menstral-like cramping is back full force. I had plenty of this in the beginning at about 6 weeks. Then again at about 8-9 weeks. And holy crap. It's worse than ever now. I am assuming the trips are having a growth spurt but it doesn't do anything for my peace of mind. Especially when you add the cramping, to the continuous leakage of the progesterone suppositories on top of the fear of blood. Yeah.. good cocktail for total freak out neurosis 24/7.

I have ventured out of the house a few times now. Friday, I went to get a few groceries. Saturday, I went to Babies R Us to look into/buy bedding. Jeff and I have only been looking at gender neutral bedding with high hopes that the trips are a mixed bunch. I never really thought I would find GN bedding that I would love. I figured I would find something I could live with. But we did find someting we loved AND we completely agreed on!! Well.. I wanted to add it to my registry but Babies R us is fazing the line out. Of course. So we decided to buy it now and if we do find out the trips are all boys or girls, we'll just return it.

Here is the link to the bedding and model of our nursery as we stand today:
http://www.wendybellissimo.com/products/product_detail.php?id=65

Saturday night, we also went to our friends, Mark and Sonja's. They gave us our first baby gift! Rattles, pacifiers, and a picture frame for ultrasound pics from the 3 trimesters. Sooo awesome!

Other than that, we did more cleaning today. Probably more than I should have again, but I stopped after like an hour this time and went really slow. And here I am in bed relaxing again!

The First Scare

2008-05-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

So..I had some major drama this week. I should have known this pregnancy was going along to smoothly that something had to happen sooner or later.

I had gone out to eat with some friends after work and went to the bathroom at PF changs just as we were leaving and everything was fine. I got home sat and talked with Jeff for about an hour. Went upstairs and was going to lay down and relax so I went to the bathroom again. I always wear a panty liner cause of the progesterone supps and this time, the panty liner was full of brown blood and a bit of red. But full. Just like that.. in an hour. But I didn't seem to be bleeding right then.

I of course FREAKED called the doctor. He says.. ok.. no work tomorrow, go to bed immediately and stay off your feet. Come in at noon when I get there and we'll do another ultrasound. Not to urgent since the blood was all brown and I didn't think I was bleeding then.

woke up at 3am to pee. Nothing. No blood. Woke up at 6am to pee. Blood again. and a small clot. Then I really FREAKED. Hysteria sets in. Going to ER. Call Dr. again, he says come to office at 7:30, he'll meet me there, it will be faster. What a great Dr. to go in and meet me when he sooo did not have to!

Go in.. get pelvic exam. He says no active blood. Just brown old blood. Get ultrasound (mind you, I am sobbing hysterically at this point) all three babies moving and ticking hearts beating away.
Diagnosis? Well..threatened miscarriage caused by a few things:

1. Irritated cervix from many growing pains
2. broken blood vessels
3. growing pains forced out old blood
4. placental irritation.

No way to tell for sure. One thing is for sure.. It was my wake up call to SLOW down. My Dr. said.. You are not to continue life as normal. O.V.E.R.

So.. I am on house arrest/modified bed rest until next Tuesday when I go back unless something happens that it gets worse. No work until next Tuesday.

I am exhausted from my hysterics. I slept all day Tuesday after I got home from the dr. I've been so tired and exhausted that maybe this really was my wake up call to slow down for sure. No more acting 'normal'. I really needed a break. This was perfect timing really. I have been sleepwalking for the past couple weeks. I really have not recovered from the trip to NYC. I sleep like shit every night due to getting up to pee all the time and then it takes me like an hour to go back to sleep. Having this time off to be able to nap during the day has made a HUGE difference. HUGE. My babies come first and no matter what, I am listening to my body from here on out.

On a more fun and positive note, showering planning is in full swing!! How exciting! I never thought that i would actually be having a my very own baby shower! Actually.. three! One each triplet I like to think. They each get their own. when I find out what they are and we hae names.. I want to have like a cup cake or something with each of their names on it at one of the showers so that they know each of them were individually special to me from the very start. Gay I know. But I love my babies!!

Worlds Worst Blogger!

2008-05-08T19:11:00.000-07:00

omg.. I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since I've updated. I can only plead.... so busy I can't see straight.

As I bitched about before. Work is horrendous. Not that I shouldn't be able to fill 8 hours while I am there but there is no break for the 9 or so that I am there. I haven't taken a lunch hour more than twice since my best buddy left on April 4th. So I get there, I work from the time I sit down, through lunch (of course I eat - several times a day at my desk) and until the clock hits about 4:30-5:00. Sometimes I do leave a few early to get a break on the construction traffic that also has me sitting in the car an extra hour or so every day.

I know my boss is pissed. But even if I wasn't pregnant, I still would NOT be willing to work 14 hours a day right now. I just don't care enough and that's the bottom line. I don't like my job. I've been there for the IVF benefits for the last 14 months. And I'll stay there for the next 3 months till I go out on disability, maternity leave, and then FMLA. I have to bite my tounge on a daily basis to not say what I really want to say to my boss. My only hope is that in the 8 months or so total that I am gone, things change. But I will be looking for new job as soon as I am ready to go back to work.

Anyway.. enough time wasted on my job crap. I was also gone on vacation for 5 days. Jeff and I went to New York. We went to see the Tigers play the Yankees, did a broadway show, visited with my niece and Jeff's sister, went to see the progress at Ground Zero, and of course, shopped and ate at some fabulous New York places.

Another very awesome thing we did was to meet up with one of my favorite girls from the Nest board, Wannalil1, aka. Ann Marie. That was so great to meet her. Even though we only got to spend an hour with her, she was just as personable and fun as I imagined she would be. I know if we lived in the same city, we would totally hang out!

In other BIG news, my good friend TheSkimmy (aka. Kim) had her baby last Friday, May 2. Charlie is here! I am so mad he came when I was out of town. But I am looking forward to meeting him this weekend!

Last but not least... The triplets are still going strong. I had an ultrasound on April 29th before we left for vacation. All three little hearts were beating strong. This was also our last appointment with Dr. Abuzeid, our RE. We graduated to the OBGYN and Perinatologist. I see my new OB for the first time on Tuesday, May 13. I hope to have an ultrasound as at that point, it will have been 2 weeks since the last. I gotta be honest, it's making me sweat. What if? That's all I think. I HATE that I do think like that, but let's face it, TTC has been a shitty experience for me and 3 pregnancy losses later, I am what I am.

For now, I try to assume everything is ok. I have totally popped out already and am showing like crazy! For 10 weeks, it's just ridiculous. I have been in full on maternity clothes for the second week now. I look more like I am 15-18 weeks pregnant. Seriously.. if I am this big at 10 weeks, I shutter at what 15 or 20 is going to look like. I am still hungry like crazy. oh well.. I'll take it!

Feeling... f.a.t

2008-04-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

Man.. I am starting to show already. The nurse said that by 10 weeks I should be popping out quite a bit so get ready. That the normal person most likely starts to show around 13-15.. I need to back that up a few weeks. I've been wearing nothing but stretchy things and draw string cargo pants.

I actually allowed myself to walk into a maternity store for the first time in my life on Friday. I went in and bought a bella band so I could still wear my jeans. It was like entering into a new club I had never been allowed to join before. There were so many cute little pregnant women in there looking fabulous. I sorta felt like a member, but who am I kidding. I might be sort cute during this pregnancy for about 5 weeks and then I am just going to be a whale. But that's ok. I'll be a whale if that means I have 3 healthy children.

On that note, I see the RE again on Tuesday and will have another ultrasound with him. Then, I have my first appointment with the Perinatologist/MFM on Friday. This pregnancy will certainly be a whirlwind of Dr. appointments. I am trying to stay positive but it has a healthy side of worry. I am worried enough with this whole mono to mono twin thing. I have been trying to block it out. If I don't, I get beside myself.

I am also going to speak to one or both of my Dr's about getting a note from work. I hate my job on a normal day (ok.. sans the 100% IVF coverage and healthy chunk of $ they pay me) and lately.. it's been unbearable. Someone quit at work and they've dumped 80% of her work on me + another client. I was working 45-50 hours a week before this all happened. And if I hear my boss say to me one more time that they are really looking to lean on me to step up and get all this done, I am really going to lose my shit. I wanted to scream at him on Friday.. were you not fucking present at the conversation I had with you on Tuesday that I have just entered into a horribly difficult high risk pregnancy?????? Did you hear a word I said? I almost lost it on him. But I checked myself for a moment and remembered: I could very well be out of there for 8 months to a year in the next 12 weeks. I just need to let my Dr's do the talking for me. So I love that I will be asking for a note already that says I am not to work more than 40 hours per week.

On the positive.. it's been a real hoot telling people I am pregnant with triplets! I should have brought a camera around with me. It's been just hilarious!

Ok.. off for some pie tonight. Have I mentioned I am an eating machine??? LOL

So much for uneventful!!!

2008-04-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

Well, we've had quite the 24 hours. We had our first ultrasound yesterday at 6 weeks 6 days.

Triplets.

Yes, triplets. I keep saying it over and over again cause may be it will sink in one of these times. We are in total shock. Not that we didn't go into this knowing it was a possibility, but it was a remote one so we just thought.. naw! It won't happen to us! For those of you wondering, yes, we did but in 2 blasts and one pre blast at the IVF transfer. But since we put two in last time, we really were not expecting any, let alone triplets!

And actually, only two of the three did stick. One of them split and we are having identical twins and then a spare!

We are absolutely thrilled to be expecting, don't get me wrong. But we are seriously freaking out. Jeff is more like.. omg.. the $$... the daycare, we need a new house, car.. all those fun things. And I am worried about.. how the hell do I get all three of these babies safely into the world? How?? And if a triplet pregnancy weren't scary enough, my RE thinks the identicals are mono to mono twins. This means they are in the same sack and even though they are identical, they should have their own sack. The risk is that their ambilical cords could tangle and that would be very bad. It would mean immediate delivery. ugh. I can't even think about it, it scares me to death.
It's early so hopefully the membrane separating the twins will eventually show up and I can have one less thing to stress about.

Usually with a triplet pregnancy, you have to go to the Dr. every other week. Because of the mono thing.. I go every week for the duration or until they see a membrane. I will be watched like a hawk. They said I should probably prepare to be on bedrest by 20 weeks. omg. I will be in bed by August!

There is just soooo much to process. I am already exhausted by it. I hardly slept last night. My mind was every where.

I think the best part of yesterday was the heartbeats. We not only got to see them, we heard them!! At 7 weeks!!! They were beating away.. all 3 at 125 bpm!! I was totally overwhelmed with joy.

My cup truly runeth over!!

Still pluggin' along..

2008-04-06T18:50:00.001-07:00

So I will be 6 weeks pregnant tomorrow. And it's been... um... Dare I say... uneventful?

*knocking very hard on wood*

I thought when I got pregnant I would be blogging every single day recording exactly what was going on in my body so I could remember every single moment. But the reality is that I am so scared to pieces that I am going to lose this pregnancy too and be stuck reading all about it later that this is my first entry since I found out I was pregnant. I've been kind of a nut case about this. I have moments where I am almost cocky. Like.. of course this pregnancy will work! It has to! I've paid my dues, right??

Then there are the other moments where I am a raving lunatic and can think of nothing but the moment I will lose this pregnancy too. Where will I be? What will I be doing? How will I react? In fact, last Monday when I got my second beta results, I had a nervous breakdown that night. And my results were wonderful. My beta was doubling just perfect with a 45 hour time frame on them. Still... this wasn't good enough. They doubled last time and we all know how that turned out.

So the nurse told me there were thrilled my with my beta's, I didn't need another and they would see me on the 14th for my ultrasound. Till then, I will rejoice in the moment. I am pregnant. And I should get used to saying that right?

My symptoms have been pretty mild so far. I get crampy alot. They feel as though aunt flo will be here any second although they are not painful and do not last longer than a minute or two. They come and go. Nothing big. I am told this is my uterus stretching. I sure hope so! I also wake up to pee like clockwork at 4 am every single frickin night now. And sometimes twice a night. I haven't made it through the night in two weeks now. Last but not least, I am crazy hungry. Like every 2-3 hours I have to eat something. This will be great for my ass for sure! But like most infertiles, I am still hoping for a good bout of morning sickness or any time nausea to really prove to me that I am pregnant. Ya know.. cause the 7th pregnancy test I took as recently as two days ago is not proof enough. I want to throw up too!

So that's it for now. I am still pregnant. Still so thankful and still praying it sticks.

Shock

2008-03-26T18:29:00.001-07:00

The cycle that I wrote off has worked! I am pregnant! I keep saying it over and over again and to Jeff and we both still feel like we are talking about someone else. Surely this isn't us? Surely this good luck that we have been utterly blessed with isn't us?

I cannot be the one who got a faint bfp at 5dp5dt and then an unmistakeable one at 8dp5dt and then a line darker than the control line at 9dp5dt???? And at 11dp5dt got a beta of 239, progesterone at 200+ and estrogen over 2000??? Surely.. this cannot be me???

I am just in shock.

As my experience has jaded me, I am still in defensive mode and am having a hard time believing and celebrating. Don't get me wrong, when I saw that line turn as soon as the pee hit the stick at 8dp5dt (I didn't test the two days in between days 10 and 13), I had a an absolute crying fit. And on Easter Sunday no less. I was sobbing. This can't be for real. This can't be me. To say we are thrilled would be the understatement of the year. We are overjoyed. To say we want this child would be next understatement of the year. We are dying to be parents. To love a child. Our very own child. The biological child I have seen slip away from me over the past 8 months. It might actually happen now.

I am just in shock.

I hope that I soon believe that this wonderful blessing, this glorious gift from above is really mine. Mine to keep this time.

And the embabies have landed..

2008-03-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

The transfer went good. God.. I hate that big ass speculum. That and I guess my bladder was TOO full so Dr. A made me get all in position on the table, checked it and twice I had to get up and go pee to get rid of some of it!! Fun.

Anyhow.. when we got there, we were told that of the 8 that had fertilized we had:
2 blasts
3 pre-blasts
2 morula's (which are pre pre blast, LOL)
1 of the 8 had finally pooped out

We were very happy to hear that. Beats the crap out of my first IVF cycle for sure! He said they are going to freeze on day 6 this time so I should get my freeze report in the next couple days, but he said the rest were all in a sort of pre blast stage so he expected most, if not all of them to be frozen. That would be nice to have 4 more snowbabies for use at some point if we need them.

So then came the conversation of "how many". Dh and I decided that we would let the Dr. make the call. He did.

Three.

We put in the 2 blasts and the most advanced pre blast.

For 3 reasons. 1) b/c Ivf is the only way I can ever get pregnant. 2) I have already had a failed IVF with 2 blasts, and 3) my age.

He said he really believes this is going to work and he also said that with the quality of these embabies, we walked out of there with a freakin 10% chance of triplets. So I am 50% freaked out by the triplet possibility and 50% like.. yeah right, been here before and I still have no baby(s) so why would this time be different?

I made a comment to that effect as we were waiting the customary half hour on the table after the transfer. It was the first time in this whole process of IVF 1 or 2 that I have seen Jeff get choked up. He asked me to please not say anything negative in his presence or the presence of his embabies. I know he wants to be a dad.. bad. But he is usually so good at hiding his hurt and fears to keep me strong. Today.. I felt how bad this is affecting him too. He really wants this work. Which of course just makes me feel more like a total defective failure.

So tonight I did PIO shot #2. My ass has hardly recovered from the first one. Thank god I only have to do them every third day. But I have the suppositories 3 times a day. I also had to do half of another trigger shot or booster as they call it now. So I had a huge needle in both of my butt cheeks tonight. It was fabulous.

Now the waiting begins.

Doing 5 day transfer

2008-03-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

Got the call about 8:30 this morning. Being pushed to a 5 day transfer. I was told that all 8 of my embryo's are still going strong.

I seriously find this very hard to believe.

Ah well, sending all my love and positive vibes to my little embabies who are currently residing in a petri dish some 20 miles north of me right now.

Fert Report

2008-03-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

And it's good this time! It's a freakin miracle.

13 eggs
9 mature
8 fertilized normally

I am thrilled with these results. I have to remember that my ovaries are 35 years old. Thus, I will not get 20 eggs of a 20 something year old. It just won't happen. So I have to be and am thrilled with these results. Although.. again, I am knocking on wood cause I feel like.. this is going to smoothly. When is the rug going to get pulled out from under me? Oh well.. until then, I am going to roll with it.

So I am still sore. So sore.. it's actually scaring me a bit. I am sure I don't have OHSS but man.. I did NOT feel like this the last time around. It hurts to walk, laugh, sit. ugh. I am really uncomfortable. I am praying for a 5 day transfer if only to let my body recover from the ER.

My friend Beebe929 got some rough news on her embryo's today. I am sure she is terrifed. Sending one up to the big guy for her.

Third Check

2008-03-08T14:41:00.000-08:00

And last check. Thank god. Today's appointment went better than expected. Well.. they have all gone better than expected this time since I expected the same shit as IVF #1. That was fun. NOT. So today, Nurse J was my checker. She is bitchy on a regular day let alone a Saturday. (have I mentioned what bitches most of the nurses at this office are?) She was succinct to say the least today.

So J starts with the right ovary and starts dictating the numbers to me. We get to about the 5th one and she says.. 'whoa.. I'd say you are ready girl'. And that was before she got to the left! I've never heard these words before! Not from them anyway.

At the end of it all, I have a total of 14 follies that are 15mm and over right now. The biggest is only at 19. That's a good thing. They are all growing together. No pack leader. I also have about 7 that are between 10-13mm. So maybe a couple of them will pick up by Monday and be mature.

E2 came back just under 2500 so I officially trigger tonight at 10. ER Monday at 11. I am already so bloated and sore, I just can't wait till the trigger shot hits these follies and I am doubled over in ovulation pain. Good times ahead.

It's GO time.

Second Check

2008-03-06T07:10:00.001-08:00

And... it's going down. Not surprising. This seems to be my pattern of sorts.

Today.. from what I remember:
Left Ovary3
1 @ 16mm
1 @ 13mm
2 @ 12mm
2 @ 10mm
1 @ 9 mm
1 @ 8 mm
2 @ 6 mm

Right Ovary
1 @ 15mm
2 @ 13 mm
1 @ 12mm
2 @ 11mm
1 @ 10mm
2 @ 6mm

Nurse will call later with E2 level and guess I should come back on Saturday.

*nurse called* lining is at 9.2 and E2 is at 1176! Ok..I am totally happy with that. I was hoping for at least 750-800 and I am waay over that! Here's to overachieving for once! LOL. I am to continue with my drugs go back on Saturday. Most likely will trigger on Saturday!!

First Monitoring Check

2008-03-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

I had my first ultrasound this morning. It went well. Good actually. But then so did the first one for IVF #1 and I was in danger of getting cancelled so...I take this with a grain of salt. I was "half listening" to her as she was calling out the sizes but from what I remember, it went like this:

Left Ovary
3 @ 9mm
2 @ 8mm
4 @ 7mm
6 @ 6mm

Right Ovary
4 @ 9mm
3@ 8mm
3 @ 7mm
3 @ 6mm

The nurse called and my E2 level is at 291. She said that was perfect for only 5 nights of stims. They are making no changes in my medication levels. Truth be told. It was a good report and I am happy with it. I just can't get happy with it if that makes any sense. To nervous. I go back on Thursday.

And... we're off...

2008-02-27T15:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday marked the official begining of the big begining. The baseline ultrasound and first shot of stims. I went in for the u/s and b/w. Everything came back where it should. I.E. E2 was <60 and progesterone was less than .5. Today is the first full day of stimming. Did my Menopur shot this morning along with my Lupron. Will do my Gonal F shot in about a hour or so. I am doing the stim shots 12 hours apart. It's kind of a pain in the ass. oh well. I don't go back for a u/s check until Monday. So I will stim for 5 full nights till I have a check. Pretty standard and probably to early for me since I had to stim for 14 nights last time.

There are a couple of things we're doing differently this cycle:

1. I did one shot (half my dose) of stims last night on cd1. Full stimming on cd 2. I did not start stimming until cd4 last time. I wonder if this is contributed to only getting 8 eggs. That seems late knowing what I know now.

2. I am doing Gonal f instead of Bravelle

3. I am doing the 150 of Menopur in the am and the 225 of Gonal f in the pm. Keep the ovaries pumping 24/7

All of that said, I am different also. I am not as excited as I was the first time. I do not have the hope that I had the first time. If it fails, it fails. I am done being devastated. I am done letting this rule my life. If it fails, we're adopting. The application is 80% filled out and the stamp will get licked the day I see a BFN.

I am detached. Complacent. Accepting.

Perhaps it's a defense mechanism. I don't know. I just can't be devastated again.

This One is for Jeff

2008-02-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

Since this is my blog, I am going to take the opportunity to say that I am married to the most wonderful man on the face of this planet. I am humbled, honored, and just plain ole' bewildered that I ended up married to this man.

How did it happen you ask?

Well, one very cold wintery night, I was on my way home alone from a 30th birthday party celebration for a friend at a bar. It was snowing and I was bored so I wanted to get home. I was walking the 2 blocks to my car alone at about 1:15 in the morning after another night of being out at the bar and meeting absolutely no one of any interest. As I approached my car, I saw two guys also walking in the parking lot, which by the way, was the parking lot of St. Mary's Catholic church. As I walked I heard, "excuse me, do you the the time?" I said "sure, and I am sure you do too if either of you have a cell phone" and kept walking. They came up next to me and at first I was a bit startled. But they said.. yeah, you're right.. do you want to have a smoke with us?

Well, I was in no hurry to get home to my lonely bed and they were both dressed in suits and coats so they looked respectable, so I said sure, why not? I talked with them for about a half hour and then was cold so I said good night. Then one of them said I just want to tell you how beautiful you are and can I have your phone number? I laughed. He was cute-ish. I gave him my business card and said I don't give my number out. Sorry!

He emailed me. We emailed. We went on a date. And another and another. I moved to Chicago and he didn't let it go. Through a twist of fate, I got another job back in Detroit and came back 6 months later. We bought a house and got married.

We had the most beautiful dream wedding I could have ever imagined and an even better first year of marriage. We decided to wait to try for a baby as I had never been pregnant before, but never had a 'female' issue in my life and was a 28 day clock. My obgyn said, I'll bet you'll be pregnant in no time. So we waited. And we've now been waiting 16 months. If my first pregnancy had worked out, we'd have a 6 month old baby now. That's how is should be. But it isn't.

Jeff has taken care of me, supported me, cooked for me, cleaned for me and.... nursed me back to health through 3 surgeries and 3 pregnancy losses in these 16 months. I often ask him if he could have ever imagined what he was signing up for when he married me. He got me and all this shit.

He says he wouldn't have it any other way.

Yeah for AMA!!

2008-02-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

I officially have something else wrong with me says the world of infertility. I can now add advanced maternal age to my diagnosis. I turned 35 on February 7th.

When did this happen? How did I get to be 35?

I don't feel 35. I don't think I look 35. And I know I sure as hell don't act 35. This is not what I pictured 35 to be.

When I pictured 35 many many moons ago, I thought I would have the big house out in the suburbs, 3 kids, and a career I loved. It's so strange for me to admit this, but I never thought I would have a good marriage. I knew I'd be married. I just thought it would be full of drama and discontent. Either on my part of that of my husband. Afterall, that was what my dating life was full of! Crap! One broken engagement, one declined proposal, and countless dead end relationshps. I always assumed I'd have a crappy marraige!

Well, I don't have the 3 kids or the big house out in the burbs or even the career I love. Not even close. What I do have are two dogs I worship and adore, a medium sized house in a hip neighborhood that is close to the job I loathe that pays really freakin good and covers IVF. And.. a husband I love love love and who love love loves me. We are peanut butter and jelly. . Spaghetti and meatballs. I can't believe I got SO lucky.

It was a nice birthday. I got treated to many things. Lunches from coworkers, dinners and drinks from friends. Jeff also took me to Morton's for a big fancy dinner. It was amazing!

I couldn't really think of anything I really wanted this year. What I want RIGHT NOW is a vacation. And that's the one thing I can't have. Not staring down IVF #2 in the face. So, I asked for a plan. And tickets. And that's what I got. Tickets to see the Tigers and the Yankees. In NYC!! So we bought the tickets and booked the flights for the first weekend in May. I cannot wait! Pregnant or not! We are there! We have never been to Yankee stadium and they are tearing it down after this season. So away we go!

Can't wait!

I Am Not Alone

2008-02-05T07:59:00.000-08:00

I know this.

But sometimes I think I am the only one who is having trouble having a baby. The only one who repeatedly keeps losing pregnancy after pregnancy. The only one who IVF has bombed out for.
I know that's not the case, but I can't help but feel like this a lot.

Yesterday I was reminded. I have two TTTC friends that I met on the Nest and are local here in Detroit. We see the same RE. They both have had long roads as well. Both were able to try again in December after various surgical procedures. Both got pregnant in December. Both have now miscarried.

After I found out they were pregnant, I was jealous. Why was our RE getting everyone pregnant by me? Geez! And now I feel terrible for ever having thought that way. They have both now joined my little club.

There really should be a rule: If you have THIS much trouble getting pregnant, you get to STAY pregnant.

Seriously.

In other news.. I was around 100 little children over the weekend. I did have moments of longing and saddness. But I didn't cry. I made it through.

Last night was the 'first day of school' for Bailey and Kali! We started our first 'children' in doggie begginer training last night. Bailey really doesn't need it but Kali does. We thought we might as well do it together and it couldn't hurt Bailey. It was fun. And already Kali made progress! Have I mentioned how much I love these dang dogs and how much joy they bring to our lives?

A Window Has Opened.. (just a crack, though)

2008-02-01T07:04:00.000-08:00

After the IVF failed, I decided it was time to officially start getting used to the idea that if I am ever going to have a child, it might be through adoption only. As I think back over my life, I never really had a big opinion on adoption. I would hear of people adopting and I have a few friends who are adopted. I always thought it was a great thing. Thank god there is that option and that there are women brave enough to have a child and give it up.

And of course, Hollywood has manged to almost romanticized adoption. Making it look like it is as easy as going down to the local Walmart and picking up a kid. Sure, when you have unlimited funds and unlimited use of a private jet to get you to whatever exotic local your child is at, and bypass the lines and hussel your application through whatever State department you have to....adoption is a snap!

I guess I always thought adoption was a wonderful and beautiful thing.... for other people. I never felt 'called' to adoption. I always thought I would get pregnant, have my own children and be done with it. Adoption was just something I surely would never have to do.

Then life through us the Infertility curve ball.

Throughout January, I have been looking into a few agencies. I wanted to find one that would mesh with our beliefs and parenting plans. It's not as easy as you think! With most agencies, there's always one or two things that disqualify us or that we don't agree with. I've read about 1000 pages of application procedures now, I think.

I've narrowed it down to two agencies. One is definitely the front runner. I talked with both agencies over the last couple of days and for the first time since my fertility was taken from me back in September, I actually can see a baby at the end of this. True, it is not a baby of my womb, but it will be our baby. And even if it is still a year away, I can sorta make out the light at the end of the tunnel. It's a nice feeling. I hope I can hang on to it.

IVF # 2 is officially underway

2008-01-31T12:43:00.000-08:00

Yippee Skippee.

I guess I just don't have the excitement I did when #1 was getting underway. I was so sure it was going to work. Or maybe not sure, but at least very very optimistic that it would. Now I feel like all the innocence (oh please.. I guess what smidge there was left) has been taken away from me and I'll be going through the motions. Or really detached from this. It's not that I don't have any hope, the only way I can describe how I feel is detached. So strange.

I had my SHG on Monday. It went fine. No issues were found, thank god. Dr. A himself did it so I feel good about that. I also am in week #2 of my birth control pills. It seems so far away right now, but I know it will go fast.

I visited with my therapist yesterday. I asked her how she thinks I am dealing with everything. She said this:

You get out of bed every day
You shower every day
You eat every day
You feed and play with your dogs every day
You go to work and function at a high stress/fast paced job
You visit with friends and make plans with them. Even the ones with newborns or are pregnant
Your marriage seems to be as solid as ever, if not more
You are doing just fine

I thought about it. She's right! I still have my bad days and breakdowns. I still cry. Alot. But I do manage and manage pretty good. And I am proud of myself for that!